I didn't want to tj so I wanted to reply to you here.

you said...



most likely, IMO...he is still lying about something. In my experience..both with infidelity and otherwise...unless a person has an ah-ha moment, you will never get to the full truth. My ex needed to be interrogated too...and I am an ex-cop that knows how to do it...and let me tell you, I didn't know half of the things until she made a decision to come clean. So, if you have never gotten a confession about things and based on your H's behaviors now, I would say that he is either holding on to secrets or is still in contact with the OW. I would bet it is the secrets issue.

Let him read my post and see what he says. Offer to let him PROVE his words with a polygraph...trust me, you will learn things that you do not know today.

Give him a safety zone for letting you know the rest...if there is more to be told. Let him know that while you will be willing to move past these things if he comes clean...that if he is continuing to lie to you at this point, then he obviously does not love and respect you. Lead him to a confession.

Polygraph...personally I think every single WS should be hooked up to one before gaining entrance back into a M. It would save a lot of time and heartache for a lot of people out there.

Oh...and don't hit him...I know you would want to if you found these things out...but don't stoop to that level! And his swearing on the kids means NOTHING. Many have done the same thing...including mine...dozens and dozens of times.

DF,

I'm moving my question from the other tread.

Does he go to individual counseling, too? If not, he should.

LC

DF, i believe i get stuck like your husband, it comes and goes. DH has said he cannot comfort me, i accept that. i let him know when i am having a bad day and then i keep my distance so he does not have to be around it. sometimes it can be harder than others to snap out of it. i am finding that forcing the logical side of my brain, by either getting involved in a difficult work issue or by playing sudoku, helps.

the theory that this means I must have secrets left is not the case for me.

DF, please read what another poster, betrayedinjersy, just posted on the family comes first thread:


just thought it was something worth seeing.

given how recent the discovery is, even though the As were long ago, you have a lot of healing to do.

i hope your DH can find ways to comfort YOU.

I pray God will be with you both as you heal.

MEDC,

I tend to agree to, I do feel like there is something H is holding back. I am an awesome interrogator (like yourself job related) I am also a good lie detector, to bad for the children, who are grown and awesome kids who couldn't get away with anything, its a small town and the whole dept. watched them. I just feel in this situation I am to close, but always knew H had lots to hide. I have explained many times how important it is to have the whole truth, I do not want any intimate details, just who and what year. H is so distraught when we talk about certain time frames, H tends to get very helpless in recovery sometimes and then other times does very well. I do tell H its ok to cry or be sad for a moment in time but then step up and decide what to do about it and what to do about the future. H literally gets paralyzed with emotion and then dosen't know what to do. I tell H that I am not leaving without a good fight, I already left once and now I am back, although I am very fearful and giving it my best and that is what I expect from him also.

Lifechoice,

Yes H does individual counseling, when we were seperated H went without fail once a week for 90mins, read every thing that was suggested and did everything that was suggested. We have only gone together once since I have been back. We did not have joint appts when we were seperated, I did not want to, I really wanted to heal me and then worry about us, plus I really thought that the D was eminent.

FLT2H,

H has more bad days then I do. I refuse to let anything suck up my joy on any regular basis, I do stop and smell the roses and really try to be thankful for everything I have. I feel that H is over the top in punishing himself. The MC say she would expect this from his personality and how H was raised.