Sometimes I sit here and think about him being with her, in bed, anywhere really and wonder why on earth should I forgive him. Does he deserve my forgiveness.

He has had the excitement of an affair, of another body. It must have been great for him at the time.

I don't suppose for one moment he gave a thought to me and our marriage of eleven years. She knew he was married and still carried on the relationship - she was single (no ties, easier for her).

On the surface I am being so calm and rational about his A. I feel like a swan, serene on the surface but paddling like he!! below the surface.

Why should I feel like it should be me making the effort to save our marriage, after all I haven't done anything wrong. I truly haven't. The reason my WH had an affair was because he was away from home for three months at a time, he had the opportunity and he took it.

I am seriously venting here. I am sick of being understanding and doing Plan A though I know in my heart that that is the real me.

Sometimnes I feel like I have been so abused.

Am I always going to secretly feel like this? I am I lining myself up for a revenge affair?

I suppose I feel like this about 5% of the time, the rest of the time I am in Plan A.

How can I get rid of this 5%.

kimleigh2

I think you shouldn't expect to get rid of that 5% for a long time yet. Dday was only 6 weeks ago for goodness sake - he deserves your anger, venom, thoughts of revenge, hatred etc. I was calm, like you, when confronted by my husband's A and three years on I'm still pretty p*ssed off for at least an hour a day! That's not very encouraging, I know, but what I'm trying to say is it's completely NORMAL to feel as you do.

Yes, I agree. I think 5% is very small, to boot.

I read that anger will remain until the BS can see that the WS understands the enormity of the pain/damage they have caused.

A little anger is a good thing, and a protective thing. IMHO

It ain't over until there is retribution. This is a Harley principle. So what has hubby done to atone?

Larry

PS: I just posted something about just compensation - please read it.

KL2,

You do not ACCEPT his affair!!

You ACKNOWLEDGE his affair. Then decide if you wish to save the M or not.

If you want to save the M then Plan A is the means to BREAK UP the affair, get the WS to sign and send the NC letter, go to counseling, etc, etc.

""I suppose I feel like this about 5% of the time, the rest of the time I am in Plan A.""

How you truly feel and Plan A are two different things IMHO.

Plan A is how you ACT to woo the WS back to the M.

Furious, betrayed, worthless, grief stricken, and all the other emotions we BSs feel (which the WSs can never get a grasp of) is how we feel ALL THE TIME not 5%.

So you do not get rid of the 5%, OK?? There is no 5%, there is 100% which fades slowly as time goes on.

But it will always be there.

It will change from the open steaming chest wound you have now, from where he ripped your heart out, to an ugly scar over time.

An affair is a dramatically life changing event for all involved. Be prepared!

kirk

Exactly what I was about to say. You do have to learn to accept that it did happen tho.

To that I add my wholehearted agreement that only 5% is pretty good. I'd say that although my marriage is recovered, I am still pi$$ed off at my FWH at least 25% of the time for how badly he screwed us up .

What I don't do is LB him for it. He regrets it and is working hard with me on our marriage which is pretty much the best he can do.

We are forever changed by HIS actions, but he CAN"T undo them so we had to chose to leave the past behind and work on improving our marriage and protecting ourselves from future potential "affairs."

Is your H on board with MB principles?

Who

Thabk to everybody who responded to my post.

Whome - I feel much the same as you (on my good days six weeks after D Day).

My WH husband can't undo what he has done. I know that he wants to put it behind us. He knows how much hurt he has caused. I think (from what he says) that this has also hurt him. He has said to me that he didn't realise how much hurt his A would cause me.

I think he has been living in Affairland for the last twelve months but now reality has stepped in he has had to acknowledge the damage he has caused.

His A was when he was working overseas. No chance of me finding out.

I think the reality of what he has done has hit him like a ton of bricks - and hopefully knocked some sense into him.

He says that all through the A he never stopped loving me. Funny way of showing it.

He was a cake eater, nothing more, nothing less.

I have told him I can get over his A. I can but I wonder if I will ever feel the same way about him again.

I would like to feel like I did before. Do you think this is possible. I am only six weeks after D Day so maybe things are still a bit raw for me.

I do love my husband and I am Plan A-ing all the time. He is putting tons into our love bank at the moment.

I have told him I will not be made a fool of again.

Is there hope for me/us?

kimleigh2

Yes. It will take time and effort. You choose to do (or not do) both.

We are all here to help you and all have different levels of A experiences and recovery issues. Stick around, keep asking questions, venting frustrations and offering help where you can. One caution....do not hide your anger and hurt from your H. He needs to see the depths of your despair in order to really understand what he has done. Only then can he be truly remorseful for what he did, not for what was discovered/revealed about his acts.

I've had multiple D-Days (aka false recoveries) because I forgave immediately, thinking it was the Christian thing to do. Without just compensation, however, I did us both of us a disservice (pre MB) and allowed my WH to continue his secret contact.

Story in my sig line...it ain't pretty.

Ace

Its been 11 weeks from D-day and I still feel the way you do. But we have only been working on the M for 5 weeks.
Good Luck....It'll get better, that's what they tell me.

Your marriage will never be the same again.

But, hopefully, in some ways it will be better.

W

Ok Help? How often do you do this?? I was under the impression that you do Plan A and make it seem like there is hope for the M, reminding him of the pain every once in a while. I feel down every day...but Im not suppose to tell him everyday am I? I think that would make me unattractive to complain of his A everyday....even though its how I feel and he deserves it. But I dont want him to go "Oh boy, here we go again." Which is something he loves to say.

Hi Ace and Waking Beauty

At the moment I am doing Plan A but I agree with Waking Beauty about how long you can do this without the WH getting pi**ed off. I think it is a very fine line.

At the moment my WH is overseas and I am so aware that I could shoot myself in the foot and totally pi** him off with my neediness.

At the moment he is very understanding of my feelings but I don't think I can do this for much longer without pi**ing him off.

I think it is much harder when you are trying to do Plan A in a long distance relationship.

My main initial reaction when I found about his A was anger, shaking anger. Not throwing stuff around but calm anger. I am usually a very calm person. This in itself
shocked my WH.

I told him how much he had hurt me, how disappointed I was in him and how I thought he was a better person than this. I think that really hit home with him and made him realise what effect his actions had had on our marriage.

I am asuch an easy going person and I thought we had a good marriage. I think he just took me for granted.

kimleigh2

Are you in IC or MC? There is a time and a place.....set up in advance and controlled....and preferably with a professional to assist you. That's what we did after D-Day #3. I felt badly at the time, but after a week, I had vented all my anger (including uncharacteristic dropping of the f-bomb several times)...and we discovered MB principles a few months later. It was good to see that venting anger was healthy, as long as it was assisted with a professional.

Others have far more experiences in "how to do this" and Dr. Harley has an article on "Forgiveness with Just Compensation" on the Q & A section.

Ace

no IC or MC....through EAP would could go and it would be free..........HOWEVER....OW works on the complex....so we would have to find another MC....well if I go by myself I could see IC through EAP....But I dont think it would be good to go see one IC alone and then another MC/IC that's paid....I/We should just stick with one to tell all our feelings too, $$ is what topping us....WH uses finances as a way to avoid MC....but he has the money, just dont wanna spend it.

How close is "on the complex"? Are they still working for the same company? Sorry I don't know your sitch. Free MC would be worth the risk if there is a way to steer clear of OW. If she is within reach, someone needs to quit and move. Until then, there must be a way.


If WH does not want to go, you could benefit from gaining coping tools until you're able to get MC together.



We did NOT have the finances for MC, but WH said he would do anything to help me heal so we took out a cash advance on a credit card for the 10+ sessions @ $150 (that WH lied to nearly the entire time <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />).

Check out a couple posts on my Smiles and Trials thread about how much our present MC has helped us. (This was someone we used to see 20 years ago but he and H became fishing buddies, so H did not want him to know what he had done.....until H lied again and I said call this fishing buddy MC or else. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> He is awesome....has given us hope and coping tools when we lose hope.)

Specifically the analogy of stirring up sewage on the first page of my Smiles & Trials thread was very helpful.



Please explain what this means. Are you thinking you will be recovered within 2 weeks?

Thanks,
Ace

lol no....well one of my thread explains this....but in a nut shell....I decided to do Plan A. A day later WH decided to come back home and work on the M. Plan A is over 9/20/07 by then if fed up I would go into Plan B...if (seeing that he is home now and working on M) all goes well...I will officially call it recovery on 9/20. And its a good thing were not in recovery now because he broke contact a week or 2 ago (OW had some medical condition and he was checking on her so he says. Med. Cond. is true, for that being the reason to call her....I'm sure he believes that, but I dont) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> But still Plan Aing.

Well you have to pass where she works to get to free MC...my problem with y i dont want him to go to free MC is I dont want him anywhere near her. I dont want him to see her if were together and I definitely dont want him to pass her by himself...he may feel the urge to go see her. The only way this could work is if we went on her day off. But then, who knows that?! That's why i said i could go by myself to see free MC. But i dont want him to go.

WH is willing to see counselor....he's just not willing to pay for it (right now-but i have a feeling no time would be right). Sure if i could pay for it, he would go. I dont want to take out a loan because he may stick me with the payments. I know we're M but he can easily do this. He use to be soooo giving....now he's sooooo I dont know. Anyway, if the loan aint in his name....he wont be willing to pay for it on a regular basis. As a matter of fact...all of the hospital bills for birth of sons are in my name....its like pulling teeth to get him to HELP pay.

HE WASNT ALWAYS LIKE THIS! Money was never an issue for him. I think he find it hard to give because he's no longer in love with me. and now he puts me in a group with all the other REAL moochers that are around him and always begging.

So why did he come home if he is thinking of you as a begging moocher? He must have some feelings for you, unless OW dumped him. Could that be the case?

I'll try to read up on your sitch. Hopefully others will be able to give you more insight in the meantime. Do you have your own thread going you could link this to?

Thanks,
Ace

Have you exposed to OW's boss yet? I would think that if her presence is preventing you from getting needed counseling that you're apparently entitled to for free, counseling you need because she is involved with adultery with your husband, then she should be transferred or fired ASAP!

-----------------
[color:"blue"]Me - 50 yo
Him - 48 yo
OW - 41, single, never married
Children – 3 boys from my first marriage – 24, 19, 17
Married 11 years, together 15 years (second marriage for both)
D Day – 20th July 2007[/color]
------------------

Kim,

After reading your sig tag line, I need to ask. Were you and your current husband still married to previous spouses when you started seeing one another?

Jo

I was wondering the same thing.