I am separated from a 28 yr marriage after finding out about my husbands 2nd affair. As we talk about our past, it seems as if has been painted over with a dirty paint brush. He has always been unhappy. I have never supported him, etc. I have always been angry.

He has said he knows the affair was wrong and he is sorry...however he was looking for someone to say nice about him.

I have told him I love him and am for healing in our marriage. He is not with the other woman, but just does not know if he thinks I can change. Although I have apologized to him for not meeting his needs, he thinks I have to just come soooooo far and he doesnt know if I can do it, or he can put up with the same crap while I am working through this change.........

I have tried to stop being defensive, and try to listen to him. I continue to take a long look at our marrigae to own what I have brought to it that added to it's brokenness. I realize this affair is his own choice. I am just trying to address my part to this marriage that is so hurting.

I feel he is in a 'fog'. He says that if we are going to say the Corinthians 13 is our definition of love, than I have never loved him and he has never loved me. I guess this is his truth, but it is not THE truth. I dont know what or how to respond to this. Any help?

He's following the wayward script. "I was never happy, it's all your fault, etc..." He'll find every little thing he thinks you did wrong in 28 years and try to use those as excuses. Probably will make up somethings, just for good measure.

And anything time there's a "I'm sorry, but..", don't even listen to it. That is no where near a sincere, repentent apology.

My heart goes out to you. Keep focused on God. Sometimes it feels like this is all too overwhelming, and the only thing that got me thru was God.

tawny,

The dynamic you describe is very common here. We call it "rewriting history" and it is an attempt for the WS to justify their actions. This whole article is great:

http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/4368/coping_with_infidelity_and_divorce.html

But here's an excerpt that does a great job of describing exactly what's happening in your marriage:


Of course you probably want to know what to do about it.....and really....you may be able to do nothing. Often, once the affair chemistry fades....the true history of your marriage will re-emerge. In order to keep the guilt and shame away.....he needs this rationalization....so the more he needs it....the longer it may take to fade.

Study up on Orchid's babble back strategy.....because that's all this is....incomprehensible BABBLE.

Tawny,

Rewriting the history of the marriage is the way a WS can attempt to justify what they have done and what they clearly know was wrong. It is the tension between what they know to be right and what they are doing that requires that they find a way in their own mind to make themselves something short of evil.

As for the I Cor 13 definition of love...

In the Greek, which is what the NT was written in, there are three words for "love" as it is translated into English.

The first word applies to romantic love and is the word "eros." This is the root of the English word "erotic." This is what we feel toward our spouse and hopefully how they feel toward us. This is not an action, but a feeling or emotional response. As such, it is dependent on specific things, all quantifiable. This is "Love Bank" love.

The second word applies to the love between brothers or even friends and is the word "phileo." Thus, the city of Philadelphia is "the city of brotherly love." Phileo is the love for mankind by mankind.

The third word is the word "agape" and was originally translated as the word "charity" in I Cor 13 by the translators of the KJV of 1611.

This word describes a love that is not a feeling but an action. It is how God's love is enacted toward us and how we are instructed as believers to show God's love to the world. It is the kind of love Christ showed toward us by dying for us though He knew many, even most, would reject Him.

This kind of love does not make your heart beat faster or give you goose bumps when you are near to the object of your love. That is not agape, but eros.

This kind of love is not a strong bond that causes one to have a strong desire to care for someone else that can withstand the test of time and can weather the storms of life. That kind of love is phileo.

What I Cor 13 describes is the kind of love that makes a person give sacrificially to someone they don't even know. It causes them to care about others over their own desires and even needs. It is the kind of "love" for which there is not a word in English that adequately describes how a person can give their all to another in spite of feelings and emotions, expecting nothing in return and accepting nothing in payment. It is unconditional love at it's purest and is really only possible by God showing His love to others through a believer.

Agape is the way "love" acts, not how it feels. In I Cor 13 Paul is not telling us how we should feel, but how we should act. He isn't telling us how it is, but how it should be. And he certainly is not describing the feeling a man has for his wife or the one she has for him.

Neither one of you should ever mistaken agape for eros or the other way around. While you might at some point show agape toward each other, it has nothing to do with what you feel or want to do.

What you seek to rebuild is eros, not agape since agape is how we act and eros is how we feel.

Mark

Thanks so much for your posts. I am really struggling today. I am angry. I am trying to keep the stone out of my hand....'he without sin throw the first stone'.

I dont know where to go from here. WS is not in the relationship anymore, it was short lived and I found out after he can stopped it. I am mad because I feel like he speaks to me from this arrogant place... More and more I do see how I have not loved him well ..... however, he talks to me like there is only one side...only one person [him] was not feeling loved. I do know, that even though I have not done things well, I have been IN this marriage and working at it. I have cried out to God the last 28 years.. I read continually and have gone to counseling on my own.

OK so.. it is common that WS re-write history - how do I respond to that? Do I tell him that he is rewriting history? I told him last night that I want to listen to what he is saying and to underderstand his thoughts. He is just making me out to be someone soooo ugly and angry. It is not who I am. I dont want to defend, but inside I am struggling. How does plan A look in this situation? He is living with his mom and we do not see each other much. Mainly we talk or see each other when I call or ask him over......this process is sooo filled with differing emotions. PAIN, remorse, sadness, hope, hopelessness and today anger....

IMHO I don't think you should spend much time even listening to the hateful, "it's all your fault", diatribes.

It's all BS-BS anyway and will just make you feel even more hurt and angry.

The more injury he inflicts the more work it will take for recovery (with or without him).