I feel where you are coming from.. and believe me, it's what I -want- to do.. but my lawyer assures me that it will do irreparable damage to my case.. I have to believe him as he knows the judges and the courts well.. he's worked in this town for ages...

J,

MEDC is right about the best thing is for the children to be at HOME. But, I have to tell you that I am not surprised by the response from your A. You just don't have the right A yet.

Unfortunately, so much of the world is desensitized (sp)to separation, adultery, and all of the true horror that goes along with it. Many people just accept it as "that is the way it works".

YOU get to determine how it works for YOU and your kids. Either make this A do as you wish or better yet, find another who shares your viewpoints. This will be a long haul and you need someone who is truly on your TEAM.

I say "your kids" because you are a father to ALL of them, just like I am Mom to my DSS. That will NEVER change no matter what our WSs say, think, or do. That is something inside of US and something we have shared with our kids that will last a lifetime.

Although it is general, vague, and not worth the paper it is written on, I did have it put into my parenting plan that I get to see my DSS. Frankly Drac can pull that out from under me at any time. BUT, at least it is there IN WRITING for DSS to see someday that I always WANT him in my life. Drac, in fact, is using this very thing right now to get to me. It hurts that he would pull this crap,,, just like your WW is doing to you.

Stay strong. Fight the good fight. Don't let anyone tell you that you are wrong for fighting for what you know to be RIGHT and in the best interest of your kids!!

Bugsmom,

Did your lawyer say there was any chance at all in you getting visitation for you DSS?

Why would these idiots not want you guys to see kids who have become attached to you? Especially when they need to have some kind of simblance of normalcy and continuity. I don't get that. I mean after all that has happened with my DD's dad and her step-mom and how hard I fought to maintain the parental lines, I would break his friggen neck if he left that woman now, after my daughter is attached to her and her half-siblings. Argh! These people! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

Weaver,

My lawyer was very specific,,,, there was NO chance of me getting any LEGAL rights to my DSS. Period. End of story. It's all at Drac's whim and fancy.

The saddest part in my sitch is that DSS's Bio Mom hasn't seen him, called him, written to him, sent a gift or a card since he was 7. *I* paid the lawyer and guardian fees when Drac filed for FULL custody when DSS was 6.



Neither do I!!!


Good for you for seeing this, and doing what you know is best for your kids!!

J,

sorry for the TJ.

What's happening in your world???

Because that would be a violation of parental rights. While I agree that it is terrible, the slippery slope that would be created by taking away a parents right to decide what is in the best interest of their child would be an even bigger travesty.

Had a good weekend with my DS and DD... still no contact with DSD despite my DD even asking to speak with her on the phone.

Took DS and DD to a monster truck show at the state fairgrounds on Saturday and spent most of yesterday after Mass outside in the yard with them.

It breaks my heart hearing my son say several times over the course of the weekend that he wants to come home.. and he wants mommy and sissy to come home too. It hurts because that's what I want too.. more than anything.

When WW came to pick our son up on Sunday she stood outside on the front porch and didn't say a word.. not even a hello to my DD who she hasn't said a word to the entire time this has been going on.. Told her that I was making an appointment to sit down with one of the priests in our parish and that I would like her to come, and would tell her when the appointment was. Looked like it hit her right in the gut.

Putting in a call to my lawyer today.. it's taking -way- too long to get a judge IMO.. the longer this goes on the more my son suffers.. and the harder it's going to be to break the new status-quo.

Is it common for a WW to be so completely cold?

yes, that is common.

IMO, you could get an emergency petition to have a hearing regarding your son by weeks end. I did it...I think you can too.

I'll bounce that off my lawyer.. his opinion thus far is that for there to be an emergency that we need to show an immediate physical danger to my son... unfortunately the only thing I can show is how emotionally distraught he is over this situation, and that she is now isolating DSD from me and her stepsister.

there was no physical danger to my son...none was alleged either.
and you don't know what type of danger your son might be in...you just don't know.
go to the court yourself and talk to someone down there...tell them your son has been taken from his home and you need help.

Agreed!

The WS has no right to bring a third party parent into their child's life, and then take them away. Which is why I fought so hard against my DD's step-mother acting in a parental fashion. But now that she is in fact family to my DD, and a "mother" figure with half-siblings involved, should he pull this crap, I would have to fight with her.

So many on here think I am wrong to insist that my husband remain only a "good friend and good host" to my DD, leaving her dad and I to act as her parents...but this is why.

It's about the big picture.

James, still reading, nothing else to add to your sitch at this time, except hope you are eating and sleeping, and taking care of yourself through all this. There is joy after this kind of devastional nightmare. Trust us on this.

MEDC.. still waiting to hear back from laywer on this.. will keep you posted.

Weaver: Yes.. actually eating and sleeping well. Still managed to go from 210Lbs to 180 since Aug 16th. The appetite isn't as big as it used to be and I'm pretty sure my capacity to put it away has diminished.

I was the cook in the family and I -love- to eat good food.. but right now I still can't taste anything.

I've committed to myself to stop smoking and finally get on a regular schedule with the workout equipment I bought for my birthday in July. I think this can only improve my self esteem at this point and might make me more attractive to the WW at the same time.. I'm actually almost back down to the weight I was when we first met.. and have actually given myself a bit of an ego boost as a result.

Add to that there are some A/D drugs that go with the smoking cessation thing.. maybe it'll help take the edge off of some of these lows... I can only hope.. Sunday was a very painful day for me.. attending mass was something that we always did as a family.. I had no contact with the Catholic church before her and honestly didn't know if I had it in me to go back..

Putting my faith in God right now because He is the only one who can speak to her heart.. I can't educate her.. I can't show her anything but how strong I can be in the face of this ****** she is putting me and our children through. The priest said to me: Be to your wife as God is to the Church.. though many wander away from his grace from time to time, however, we all eventually come to seek it again. So will it be with your wife. Continue to love her and be a strong father for your children. They need you desperately in this hour.


Just want to say thanks again to everyone who is posting.. I thrive for at least a little while on the encouragement I am receiving now after I spent nearly a month screwing things all up.

I did spend a lot of quiet time after my daughter and son went to bed this weekend to evaluate some of the things that I did that made her feel lonely.. Things like my band and leisure activities that she wasn't necessarily enthusiastic about or made her feel ignored.. I would give these things up in a heartbeat if she were to walk through that door.. but I don't know if I want to give them up in the face of the very real prospect that she won't.. Things she doesn't believe I'm willing to do.. and I guess maybe she's right that I'm not.. unless it is what I have to do to save my marriage. Right now playing music and working with my band have been some of the best therapy I've had..

I've committed to myself to stop smoking and finally get on a regular schedule with the workout equipment I bought for my birthday in July.

I was a light smoker until my former wife's affair and the divorce. I quit twice during that time. The first time I lasted about five months. Then I stopped taking ADs without consulting my doctor. I didn't even realize at first that I was using nicotine to replace the things, but I was smoking like crazy. I'd get these little earthquakes of intense sadness and I'd just smoke my way through the aftershocks. I didn't finally quit for real until the divorce was over with and the dust began to settle. One night while traveling I stood on the street outside my hotel puffing away. I finished the cigarette and put it out and something happened in me. I thought to myself That's my last cigarette and dip me in sh*t, it was.

Quitting worked when I got comfortable with the thought that I can never smoke one single cigarette, not ever, no matter what. That's what worked for me. Cold turkey 4evah!

Right now playing music and working with my band have been some of the best therapy I've had..

Same went for me. I remember telling my friend one night during the bad time that my life was filled with sorrow and that the only time I got a break from it was when I was playing music with him and the rest of the band

GC

GC.. I can't tell you how much I appreciate a kindred spirit out there like you.

To everyone.. thank you so much for your support, and caring for this miserable soul, and my family. I thank God for each and every one of you every day.

Well..

Looks like her and OM are looking to get a house...

Deep deep deep fog.. I feel so incredibly betrayed, hopeless..

She has -nothing-.. gross is $550/week.. how the ****** is she going to afford a house????

What the heck is she thinking?

Granted she's looking at about 750/month in support but dang.. houses have bills, constantly need maintenance.. WTF!?!?

She's completely lost it.. there's no reaching her.. there's nothing left..

How could she do this to me.. my family.. my kids.. entire lives completely destroyed and for WHAT!?!?

For some 25 year old kid who isn't going to last?

Stupid stupid stupid!!!

I've been there.

My wife and OM looked a couple house too. I found a listing flyer in her car. Found out much later in recovery it was just part of the fantasy. My wife was actually a little hestitant but she didn't dare let on to OM, lest he get insecure and not give her her dose of affair bullcrap.

On the proactive side. She's got no FINAL child support order to show any lender (temp agreements and orders mean nothing to them). You may yet be able to get a ding or two on her credit report by paying a credit card late. Of course, that will effect your credit too and this assumes you still have a joint card. Maybe the you pay your joint mortgage a week late this month. Nothing like bad credit to screw up any plans to buy a house. Then...if they still do it...it will have to be 100% on OM's credit and ability to pay. Worst case, she can leave him high and dry when the affair goes down the tubes.

Jamesus...this is par for the course. Usually, waywards dream big but fail to take action. I hope that for now all you are getting is indications that this is what they intend to do...not something they are in the actual process of doing. Big difference.

Plus..if they buy a home outside your daughters school district that's another item on your side of the custody dispute.(nevermind...forgot she's your DD and wife's SDD) Courts like consistency and are hestitant to make kids switch schools. Plus...it opens up a new can of exposure targets...new neighbors.

Keep your head up. This ain't over by a longshot.

Mr. Wondering

I remember what this feels like. You think you've felt some bad stuff and you've absorbed the blows and collected yourself and gotten prepared for possibly more attacks from that side. Then you're hit from a different direction and it gives you a new kind of pain that reveals your vulnerability and seems almost ingenious in its design.

I remember being amazed by how brilliant my wife had become at inventing new ways to hurt me that I had not predicted.

If you're not going to turn your back on her and divorce her quickly you have to be prepared for the escalation. She'll keep finding surprising and seemingly clever ways to hurt you. She's just bumbling into them but when they happen they almost seem like the work of an evil genius.

These are the things that can eventually cause you to just check out, or else hate her.

GC

Just to add...

WWs are like flaky friends or acquaintances that move away and then tell you how much better their new situation is and six months later it's fallen apart and they're back.

Except some WWs believe the damage they've done cannot be repaired, or they're too proud, or too embarrassed, or pregnant, and so they don't come back.

Or they think what they did is perfectly okay and they don't come back.

Or you've told them "I hate you; don't ever come back" so they don't.

GC

Well...

With the revelation that she -is- getting out of the terrible living situation, I had a thought and called her last night, left a message on her VM saying:

WW.. I really don't want this to be a completely adversarial process, and I would like to avoid if at all possible dragging our son through the courts. I'd like to try and work something out with you that we would both think is fair, like a 50-50 week on/week off arrangement, which I am entitled to at least until temporary orders are given. I'd like to discuss it with you and try to come up with something we can both live with.. call me back so we can discuss this.


Well.. as I'm sure many of you have already guessed, she called back about 1/2 hour later and her answer was an adamant 'no f'n way'.. saying that it would be too unstable for him to go back and forth between us. I explained that it would be less pick ups/dropoffs than the every Wednesday and every other weekend thing, and allow us both to continue to have the best relationship we can with our son outside of him having two loving parents together trying to work out the marriage.

That part of the conversation obviously went nowhere, but she opened the floodgates and we had a 2 hour discussion where I remained perfectly calm (she saw it as me being a condescending [censored] though) and tried my best to talk through many of the issues with our marriage that made her unhappy. Ultimately of course she was adamant that she's moved on with her life, and there's no way she would ever consider coming home.. she did say at one point though 'I care about you.. you're DS's Father.. but there's nothing else'.. slight variation on the ILYBNILWY fogtalk I think.

True to plan A when I referenced things I stuck to the good parts of our marriage, happy times, and how I know and understand that right now she is very angry.. and I fully accepted my responsibility for making her feel neglected.. and I told her about many of the changes I've implemented in my life.. of course to her it was 'too late for that now'... We kept talking, and working through issues.. and while I don't think any -real- progress was made in getting her to come home, I do think that the emotional barrier that has thus far kept her from talking to me has weakened a bit.. I kept saying things like 'I'm committed to our marriage.. I believe in you.. I'm sorry you feel that way.. It doesn't have to be this way.. This is your choice.." etc...

I don't think I LB'd badly.. of course with her calling me a condescending [censored] several times.. I probably did.. but I kept with the message of 'I love you.. I love my family and am committed to making this marriage work.. to making it better. We both deserve a better marriage than the one we had.'

I dunno.. maybe there's some 2x4's in order for me today.. but honestly I think we made progress.. and she admitted that she thought so too, but it wouldn't change anything..

I'm going to ask my lawyer today to send a request to her lawyer for equal parenting time at least until orders are given.. I know she won't agree to it, but at least it'll be documented that I'm -trying- to be diplomatic with her and work this out without involving the courts.

MEDC.. before you go ballistic on me for this, know that I'm not dropping the temporary custody thing.. and I am loading up my ammo for the family court.. eye is on the ball. I got the book last night by the way, and am about half way through it.. got interrupted by the phone call.

Oh hey... forgot to add this one..

During one of her 'you're talking like a condescending [censored] again' she made the comment 'You're acting like I'm some crazy person who doesn't know their own mind.. '

I had to pause.. can't tell you the way the smile spread on my face... I certainly wasn't talking to her like a crazy person and I said to her 'Honey.. I'm not talking down to you.. I'm trying to understand how it is that you feel about these things..'

Also.. caught her in a lie about the daycare.. she said that he's been going every day.. I asked her to send that to me in writing.. she asked 'Why would I do that?' I said.. well, how many days in August did DS go to daycare after you left me? No answer (he didn't)... how many days before September 12th did he go to daycare? Her answer 'What's your point with all of this?' I said, 'I'm just trying to get an honest answer..'

Heh... WW's are funny sometimes.. honestly slept well last night dispite cutting my normal sleep time down by about 2 hours.

By the way.. thanks guys for keeping me focused on the goal.

Know I didn't say it in my post but you're right Mr.W.. this ain't over by a long shot.

But it is something they are acting on it seems.. she says she's preapproved and has been looking at houses in the school district we are currently in. No help there... no dinging her credit at this point since we never joined our finances (I know.. probably one of the big problems in our marriage was that we did not effectively discuss finances and lived financially as independant people responsible for certain bills each month and anything left over was gravy.. seemed to work for us.. but in the end I think it ultimately worked against us bigtime..)

She has however had at least 3 overdrafts at her bank in the last month.. I have a hard time believing she's actually going to get financing for a house.. heck, her bank turned her down for financing to get the Van in her name.