Well...

I can't -prove- that he's staying the night there.. all I have to go on that is what DSD and DS says... which gets tossed out as hearsay.

We presented it... asked her about it and she -admitted- on the stand that he was her boyfriend..

But then his mom got up there and said he wasn't staying there.. that she really wasn't sure what was going on between the two of them... actually their stories didn't even match up right..

the judge -still- awarded custody to her.. it's crazy.

I am sooo sorry, but remember these ARE just "provisional "orders based on he said, she said statements. Doesn't mean that's going to be the final outcome. Getting an ad litem is a great idea-- someone impartial to actually TAKE THE TIME to look at and evaluate the situation as opposed to a Judge sitting on a bench and basing a decision only on what's in front of him at the moment.

You can do this.

Thanks Mr.W... you've been very up front with me this whole time and I appreciate that very much.

I know it's going to be hard.. I'm going to do everything I possibly can though.. get a custody eval etc going and psych analysis..

If the court appointed evaluator recommends against me then that'll be it.. I don't think there's anywhere to go after that other than to keep documenting down the line and if something -really- screws up.. pounce.

I realize it's an uphill climb.. I realize my chances are slim to nill.. I realize it's going to cost me a fortune.. but if I don't do everything I can to get my son out of this mess.. and protect him from the damage she's going to continue doing to him with this terrible cycle in her life.. I'd never be able to forgive myself.

My resources aren't limitless.. but I'll go starving in the streets before I give up on doing what's right for my son.

Thanks weaver and PM.. I appreciate the support. I hate to say it but I -really- need it right now.

I'm sitting here at work.. thank God it's almost time to go.. I don't know how much longer I can hold it together.

You're right.. it's temporary orders.. it's an uphill climb.. I think my best shot right now is to get someone in my house.. that same person in hers.. someone to climb in my head and realize that I'm doing this for my son.. someone who will see past her lies and realize she's in it for the money..

I don't know guys.. but I'll be damned if I'm not going to find out... I'm not quitting.. this is just the beginning.

Oh, James. I am so sorry. I was hoping you would get him, but you are right..this is only the beginning. I am glad you are not just giving up. My heart goes out to you and your son. I will continue to pray for you and hope that you triumph in the end.

Jamesus,

I am also very sorry about your temporary outcome, but I am NOT surprized!! We are all supposed to be on equal terms huh? Well there you have it, the proof is in the pudding that women are still favored as the custodial parent in most if not all states regardless of a better home environment with the father.

Remember, these judges as they will have to run for office. I would consider obtaining a different counsel. As MW stated, he should have never advised you to wait until a hearing. I don't believe that he had you and your sons best interest in mind.

Any vindictive female attorneys where you live? Keep a close eye. As you should have noticed in pulling up the OM criminal record, he is prone for DWI and for cannibus abuse (if my memory serves me correctly). It's just a matter of time, but you need to be ready to pounce if you ever have first hand information related to any wrong doings.

I wonder, since the OMM chose to LIE in her sons behalf, if you could also accuse your WW of drug abuse and ask the court to have her ordered to provide a urine drug screen???

Hhhmmmmm......fire with fire??? maybe???? nooo????

Prayers be with you my "brother from another mother"!!!

Go have a cold one..:)

I may get some crapp for this...but this outcome was expected. It was expected because dad's need to put up a more aggressive fight in order to gain custody of their kids. James should have unilaterally either decided that the child was NOT leaving his home or at the very least, kept him a minimum of 50% of the time. He got involved with a good old boy network attorney that didn't want to rock the boat when an attorney that specializes in father's rights was called for. I don't blame you James for being lulled to sleep by this lawyer...but right from the get go, he has NOT been close to aggressive enough. A new normal has been established for your son...and even though this is a temporary order...you can fully bet that without aggressive action on your part, it will not change in your favor.

I would be playing as dirty as possible right now and I would find the meanest bull dog female attorney that specializes in fathers rights. Something has to change and change soon...your son's future depends on it.

No crap from me MDEC.

Switching attorney's maybe but it's really hard to tell. Can't hurt to interview a bunch of them. Some of these "men's rights" firms aren't all they are cracked up to be. There's one here in Detroit that advertises heavily but from my estimation they merely milk men of all their money on the premise they can win. They shuffle cases to associates fressh out of law school who will bill your file to the hilt to make their yearly required outrageous billable hours requirements.

Ultimately it YOU that has to win your case.

I think someone in Jamesus's position has to fight really hard to stir up crap over the next year without getting perceived as the instigator of crap (delicate balance) in order to deonstrate a significant enough "change in circumstances" to allow the judge to change the status quo (which he agree to the last 2 months and the judge just rubber stamped).

The "GAL" "custody evaluator" is his best hope but they are often musier than judges. They have a desk full of files that they just want to move along. They will NOT give you hope of favorable recommendation lest you fail to settle and they have to continue representing child in an endless battle for very little money. It depends how the system works in Indiana but it would behoove you to find out how GAL's get paid. Is it per case? or can they bill a case that keeps going? I view them typically as facilitators for settlement and from the outset they need to be made aware you are not a hardass...but reasonable man however WW having legal and nearly full time custody and you only visitation will NEVER be acceptable. Let them know from the outset that this case is NOT going to just go away ...they will need to do a full and adequate assesment one way or another. But smile and win them over when you state this.

Does your attorney have much experience WINNNING? Ask for some contact info for satisfied clients and get their opinion. Research. Don't get handed off to associates. Hire the best you can afford and work exclusively with him/her.

Finally...another reason to delay. Sometimes the infidels get so eager to get the divorce finalized THEY become willing to settle in your favor just to be done with the matter. Not often but they generally lose interest in the fight and mess up their own cases continuously. In the end...they may mess up so much the GAL will finally take your side (though they never indicated such until months and months of WW bullcrap).

Have patience and fight.

Mr. Wondering

James,

I am sorry this 'inital' round did not fare better for you. But, the war is not over yet.

You are getting some great advice. Hang in there and keep fighting!!

{{{James}}}

I'm trying to remain optimistic but it's difficult. I feel like I'm picking myself up off the floor again.

I hear what you're saying Mr. W, and MEDC.. and you're absolutely right.

I'm going to stay on top of things and try to get the ball rolling back in my direction. I've got lots of good witnesses to testify for me at the final battle.. good people including DSD's grandparents, neighbors, friends.. I'm going to have them all with me.

I know her living conditions even at the new house won't stack.. and the judge didn't help her any by giving her a monetary boost.. he made the support payments effective last friday rather than 2 months ago. I was prepared either way though..

I'm going to have to get rid of my dog and focus on getting the house ready to sell in case the end result doesn't go my way. If it doesn't work out I'll be staying with family until I get our financial situation under control and am able to get out of the mountain of debt we accrued while putting WW through school and building a foundation for our family life.

It just bothers me so much that we went through all of that just for her to take the kids and walk out of my life.. I may not have been the perfect husband, but I feel so completely used.

This is a big dip in the rollercoaster, and I'm not well today. I go to see IC on Thursday.. hopefully that will get me in a better headspace. God keeps telling me to hang on, so I'm holding His hand and letting him guide me at this point.

don't get rid of the dog...it helps show that your house is a home, lowers stress and is not a hinderence to selling your house. That decision can be made later...perhaps someone can hold the dog for you for a while.

Are you still playing your guitar? Still playing with the band? How about working out...can you hit the streets or the treadmill? Exercise makes a big difference in keeping your brain chemicals balanced which have a hard time staying balanced when you are sad and anxious for prolonged periods.

Thanks for the suggestion Weaver.

I am working out regularly.. I bought myself a weight bench for my birthday this past July, and set it up in the garage. It has helped for sure. I'm not playing like I was in the beginning.. part of why WW left was because she felt I put the band before family, so I've pulled back from that.. As it becomes clear that she's not coming back I might throw myself back into it.. especially if DS isn't going to be with me every night. DD loves the whole thing as she's been around me and music her whole life and thinks it's one of the things that makes me the 'Coolest dad ever' in her eyes.

But to be honest, I haven't even been able to bring myself to play at home.. I ended up writing a song for WW called 'Right Before My Eyes' that I still haven't been able to bring myself to choke out completely... beautiful song though in my head... and the music is kind of the whole John Mayer/Dave Matthews somber feel.

I am, oddly at peace today.

As I was hanging out with friends last night, I think I had something of an 'ahah' moment for myself. Honestly, once this is all said and done.. once it's all over and done with if we stay on the D train, I know I'll have the confidence to wait things out, and become whole again.

Without trying to sound too 'uppity' I think I'll be able to turn away when the time comes, knowing that I'm the one of the two of us who has actually grown here, and 'figured it out' so to speak.

What it boils down to is love. I'm not going to get into the argument about love being a choice, an emotion, a chemical reaction etc.. but there -are- different kinds of love. There is the romantic love that happens at the beginning of a relationship, and is often what we see in affairs like the one my WW is in.. it's almost overwhelming, undeniable, irresistable, and extremely intoxicating. Thing is, it doesn't last... and once it's gone, it's very difficult to get back in the same person.. because you start to look at them differently.

Then there's the deeper love that people who are actually committed to eachother for life feel. In a perfect world, this is the kind of love that matures out of the 'romantic' love.. it's -almost- the same kind of love that a parent has for their child. It's not unconditional, but it is rooted and based in the bond between two individuals who will share themselves with eachother for the rest of their lives. This is why parents and children can have the bitterest of dissagrements, possibly not even speaking to eachother for years.. but always that love remains, holding them together at some level. Now that isn't to say we should consider our wayward spouses children, but that is the type of bond that we, as people standing for our marriages despite being hurt so incredibly deeply by the decisions and actions of our spouse, can keep going, wanting them to come back and being willing to forgive even this, in order to have a wonderful relationship with them. To have their permission to openly love them.. to raise a family with them.. to become their partner again, and to continue to be their best friend.

That's where the head is at today. I know that I love with that depth and devotion, even when all those around me tell me that she is undeserving.. and her actions perhaps make her so.. but the person she truly is within, is the one I love.. that person I know well.. the reason this hurts me so much is that I see her acting in ways that while, they are in her character, are not in line with who she truly is, and who she wants to be. That is what continues to give me hope.

While I pray and will work very hard towards bringing DS home at the very least.. even that will be a small consolation as I not only want to spend 100% of my time with him.. but I want to spend it with her, and DSD, and DD too.. I want more than anything to have her permission to love my family again, for us to be whole.

hugs to you. Isn't that permission what we all hope for?

Jamesus,

Any new updates or expected time to recieve them? Have you found a new attorney yet? Have you spoken to your attorney and received any feedback from him? Have you considered trying to get a court ordered drug screen?

Inquiring minds are desparate to know!! You cannot possibly continue to keep up the suspence! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hehe.. sorry LT. Nothing new new.

I'm not planning on changing lawyers here at this time, this guy is my guy until the end of this.

I have however, told him that we're going to do whatever it takes to fight this. I guess he has to go through the process, contact some evaluator in Carmel that he wants to use, and get things set up. I'm going to be setting up an appointment to see him and discuss our next steps and get a clear strategy on what is going on. I don't have that yet, but I feel my best chance now isn't to change the Judges mind, but to win over the evaluator. Evaluators aren't bound by the same rules of 'evidence' that judges are, and I have no doubt my living situation is, and will continue to be better than hers. It's my best shot, and I'm going to take it.

I'm inclined to think that the judge -may- have done this to give WW the chance to get the house, get on her feet and -then- make a decision.. another consideration is, how serious is this guy? And I'm going to prove to the judge that I'm -very- serious about getting my son home.


In other news, I've been doing a lot of reflecting on things that she's been making the biggest gripes about during the separation. Primary among them is financial support from me, complaining about the bills I've saddled her with and that I haven't paid support (well until having been ordered to do so). Financial Support probably wouldn't appear on a top 5 list of needs if she filled it out today, but -knowing- her as I do.. it's probably in the top 3 realistically.

Just like me, she now has a fairly clear picture of what things are going to be, and has been ordered now to take on the bills I've 'saddled' her with so far. Now she can't blame me for it.. she stipulated to it with me. Now she's staring down the very real barrel of trying to secure a home loan... we who have gone through the process know that an approval amount and actually securing the loan are two vastly different things.. and what she -didn't- know is that I put a security freeze on my credit with all 3 reporting agencies -after- she had already gotten her preapproval. I know she used my credit to get that amount because her 'temporary' address appears on my credit report... go figure.

Anyhow.. what she doesn't know is that I also know that she's taken a keen interest suddenly in work from home websites and has reactivated her career search online... looking for new jobs.. maybe she's realizing that she's not going to be all that 'set' even with the support amount I'm going to owe... go figure.

Reality is starting to zero in on affairland.. she's been agitated at the kids.. apparently unhappy with her work situation (which will be -great- and get her away from that work friend who has so sadly influenced our M)... I'm feeling guardedly optimistic as a result... I can only imagine it has to be taking its toll on the relationship with Wonderboy.. maybe the next realization to set in will be that he's still very much a kid, living at home, no responsibilities... can she turn him into a man overnight? Heh... she's got work on herself to do first.

Maybe she's starting to see that this -isn't- the easy way... that she had it the easy way.

I'm not going to rush into -doing- anything.. at this point I think my best move is to grab a frosty beverage, sit back, and watch the fireworks... I'm going to wait until the dust settles before going in to look for survivors.

Glad to hear it my brother. Just keep your chin up and in your moments of weakness and self doubt come back here. I check the boards frequently and if I see a recent post from you will jump on board.

Your doing great, but just wish you had a lawyer with more balls. (sorry, I know that he probably has some) but in my opinion could have done better by you.

Later <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I agree LT.. and yeah, Mr.W and MEDC are right, but I was the one not aggressive enough, not my lawyer.

However... I'm playing the long game here, all 18 holes so to speak. I'm making it clear to the court that I'm not just going to go away and lick my wounds and say.. ok.. she's won.

This is going to be drawn out.. I'm not giving up.. not going anywhere.. not laying down.

If I can stand for my M through all this.. I can definitely stand for my DS for longer.

James, I'm late getting caught up, but sorry about the court outcome. I'm glad to hear that you sound strong and aren't going to give up! Hang in there.