Oh God... today is -so- hard..

I cannot believe how painful such a day could possibly be.. it's almost worse that D-Day.. at least then I was angry.. it helped.

Today.. is just.. agony.

It's been about an hour and a half since the exchange.. and today wasn't bad at all until then.. but now.. it's just me, alone in this house.. trying to watch some football and distract myself.. she's going to visit with the IL's today.. got an e-card from FIL.. heard from DSD's grandmother.. this is -my- family too!!! I'm not just losing my wife.. not just losing an every day relationship with my kids.. not just completely being shoved out of DSD's life.. I'm losing 'Dad'.. and I'm losing a sister.. and a brother.. and nieces and nephews..

All the while this fking piece of $hit gets to live -MY LIFE-... I want it back... I just want my life back..

Jamesus,

You are in my prayers and have been all day long. I am so sorry you are alone and in the pain you are in. Please know that you are one day closer to receiving the blessings that G-d has planned for you.

He loves you and will walk you through this pain, trust him and know that there are some many people on here who look to you for your strength and are here for you now.

Warmly,
SG

Today seems better at least. Spent the day watching movies with DD, and got to lose myself for a little while.

This downtime without work to distract me is difficult, but I'm getting through, keeping my mind engaged in a lot of other things. Hopefully tomorrow will be more of the same.

I can't imagine what Christmas is going to be like..

By the way.. and I might take some 2X4's for this.. but I did send a pie home with DS.. pumpkin. She didn't seem uncomfortable accepting it, and she looked 'touched' when I wished her a happy Thanksgiving.. Plan A..

She really likes Pumpkin pie.

Dunno if it did any good.. probably not, and that's ok. I -wanted- to give her the pie.. wanted her to have it. I hope she enjoys it.. I'm not nieve enough to think a pie will change the situation.. it's just.. something nice to do for her and my kids.

Made me feel good at least.

I'm good today folks.. another ride on the rollercoaster.

I woke up this morning about 8:30.. haven't slept in that late since DS was born, almost 4 years ago.. woke up with an odd feeling of peace.. same one I used to wake up with when I was single.. It was almost satisfying.

Jim...one of two things happened...both of them not good for you. Either the pie would up in the trash....most likely...
or she and her "friend" shared it.

If it made you feel good, I guess there's a small benefit....but again...objectively, it is a mistake and really was most likely viewed as pathetic(sorry). Respect James is the goal. Only do things that will help you reach that goal.

MEDC.. thank you for your post, and I really did consider what you said and the probability was very high that what you said was what was going to happen. I knew this going in though.. didn't think it'd make me look pathetic.. right now my objective for the most part is to not look like the angry spiteful ex with a chip on his shoulder...

Anyhow.. for those who are interested in what happened to the pie.. I did find out.

Apparently she showed up at SIL's house for Thanksgiving.. just her and the kids (she said Wonderboy was ill.. .funny he wasn't too ill to drive her to pick up DS at noon..).. and she was brandishing... of all things.. a nice pumpkin pie.

I'm pleased with the result actually.. means I didn't have to miss a year contributing to our family Thanksgiving.

God works in wierd ways.. and I gotta imagine it's rough on a guy not getting invited to your girlfriend's family Thanksgiving... tsk.

Today is a good day. Went to Mass this morning and there was a procession afterwards where we walked through the streets of the neighborhood near the church and sang of giving thanks to the Lord.

It was an opportunity to witness to those in our community, and it truly solidified my walk with God. I know that come what may, the circumstances in our lives will be moved by His will for the best outcome.

I'm starting to think about what I'm going to do for a Plan B letter, what boundaries I'm going to establish in my life, and the reasons I'm going to give her for ceasing the communications.

I really cannot allow myself to continually go down this path when her decision has been 'made'. In order to fully heal myself I'm going to need to remove myself from this madness. I don't, and won't understand why she feels the need to continually cast deceptions and poison in my direction. I can't put the pieces of my life together if she is going to continually come along and toss the table.

I read BrambleRose's loving detachment thread today for the first time, going to print that one out tomorrow and keep it in my back pocket with the Do's and Don'ts of Plan A. I'd recommend it for everyone trying to get themselves mentally ready for Plan B.

I'm starting to get my head and heart in synch.. going to give it a week or two more to make sure.. and then it'll be lights out, and full time healing for Jamesus.

Honestly I think things are crumbling in affairland.. perhaps without a third leg to stand on it'll fall apart that much faster. Not my problem anymore though, won't be either unless or until she comes knocking on my door.

Jamesus

Just wanted you to know that I am in Plan B now (have been for nearly 5 months) and though it is not easy, if you ultimately decide that is the route for you to recover yourself (and perhaps your M as well) it has been a good experience for me. Definitely teaching me a lot about PATIENCE--a trait I definitely need to work on. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Best piece of advice I can give as a current Plan Ber is come here to vent and get guidance as Plan B is certainly counterintuitive--you'll have days where all you want is to contact your WS, especially when they try to test your resolve.

WS: Wait, did my BS say something about boundaries, NC, ending the affair before they'll see me or support me with money, family fix, whatever?? We'll see about that!!.
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

DON'T COME OUT OF THE DARKNESS!

The support and counsel I get here are invaluable as I journey through. As one Catholic to another, I'm pulling for you--all the way... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Smartiepants

Hey there Smartiepants,

I haven't seen you post on here in a LONG time. I loved talking to you today and hope you have a great week.

Jamesus, listen to her. She is an amazing woman who has learned alot through this process.

SG

SG

It is ALWAYS good to talk to you. It's true I don't post as much as I did in the beginning, but I only come out of the darkness now for very special people (and that don't include no WH!!) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

You have a great week as well!

Smartie

I'll be talking at cha girl, and praying for you.

SG

SG and Smartiepants, thank you guys for helping me feel 'special' this morning <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.

Honestly Plan B kinda scares the he11 out of me. I'm willing to detach from WW, but I'm very concerned with potential legal rammifications through the custody fight though I'm thinking of ways to construct the letter such that it won't hurt me too badly.

I think in truth though, I'm more afraid that once in Plan B, I won't -want- to come out. If I completely detach and don't go after -my- fix of WW.. well, then I think I'd just completely let go and wash my hands of the whole thing in a relatively short period of time.

I know also though that if I keep putting myself out there like this.. I'm going to reach the same place, but with bitterness and resentment.. things I thought I was for the most part past. I'm not.. they reared their ugly heads this weekend. Thankfully though DD and I spending lots of quality time together helped that a lot.

In the process of writing a new song.. sounds pretty good so far, but we'll see how it turns out. Was a good way to take my mind off of things for a few hours last night.

Do NOT do anything without the okay of your attorney. I would highly recommend against Plan B at this point (nor do I think you should be in Plan A). The only plan you should be in is the one that will afford you the most time with your child down the road. I am not suggesting you leave the boards James...it is good to get support here...but MB cannot help you with your main issue right now...which is the kids. If you were to follow the plan at this point, I believe you will wind up hurting your standing with the court.
You have put your trust in your attorney..run everything past him at this point. So, skip any letter. Do not engage your wife unless it is on advise of counsel.

This is kind of what I'm thinking too MEDC, that I might want to wait to Plan B out of necessity until the D is final.

I just don't know if I can Plan A that long. I'm not hurting myself legally with Plan A, I'm just not helping myself emotionally and mentally with it if it goes on too much longer.

I think though that the risk of losing all of my love for her is far outweighed by the need for me to give the best fight I can for my son.. I'm sure you'd agree.

I'm going to keep up my Plan A from a distance, try not to worry about what effect it's having on her, and try not to overly concern myself with what's happening on her side of the street. I'm doing pretty well getting my life back in order, and determining objectively what my personal boundaries are going to be now and in the future.

Really, work on myself and treating myself well at this point are what I'm able to do. When DS and DD are with me, I can focus the effort on them.. It's just a process of being able to push out the thoughts of her, to push away the 'feeling' of being victimized by all of this, and understanding that being the victim is a choice. I can be a survivor if I choose to be one.. the only one holding me back is me.

I've taken full ownership of the flaws I bring with me into a relationship, and have been working to change some of those things about me. I've gained a lot of satisfaction knowing that I am able to recognize these things and work on them.. not for her, but for me.

I've also come to some quasi-acceptance about her choices in all of this, and that I am powerless to affect her unless she gives me that power by choosing to care about me and our family. She's not making that choice.. she's intentionally standoffish when he's there and can hear her on the phone.. she is more open to talking and we can actually reach agreements together when he isn't around. It's that warped loyalty.. ahh it makes so much sense. /sarcasm

Honestly though, the pain of this weekend has helped the 'letting go' process quite a bit. I've developed some strategies that work for me to get past those feelings rather than dwell endlessly on them. Thursday was hard... Friday was tough.. but then I -did- something for me.. and kept the trend going on Saturday and Sunday.. worked out well, and I got some -great- time in with DD.. good stuff.

James,

Thinking of you........

Thanks CW <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

So what are your thoughts about the unnecessary phone calls?

I've been kinda mulling over a call she gave on Wednesday..

It was about 20 minutes before I -usually- pick DS up from daycare but I was early as I had to stop by the support office at the courthouse for my weekly extortion.

Phone rings and it's the Ice Queen. Very pleasantly she said "Hi there.. I got off work early and was wondering if I should go pick up DS."

Me: Nope, I just picked him up, we're on our way out for the night. I had to get off early too so I could stop by the courthouse since they weren't going to be open on Friday for the weekly payment.

Her: Oh.. oh well, the paper you drew up said 6:00, so I was just wondering.

Me: Oh.. ok, well I assumed that I'd get my regular time with him. I specified 6:00 because that was what you asked me to specify.. and since it was my Wednesday I didn't figure there would be a problem. Sorry if I made a bad assumption.

Her: No.. nono, it's ok, I just didn't know and didn't want him to sit there at daycare waiting for someone to get him.

Me: Ahh, ok, well no worries there.. he's right here with me.

Her: Oh.. um.. ok.

Me: You want to talk to him?

Her: Huh? Oh.. sure.

IQ and DS talk for a minute or so before DS hands me the phone.

Me: Hello?

Her: Yeah?

Me: Oh.. I didn't hear DS say bye, was just wondering if you were still there.

Her: Oh.. he said bye, it's ok.

Me: Hey, listen.. I'd really like to see DSD if she wants to come with us tonight.

Her: Oh.. um.. well.. I don't know...

Me: Ok.. well, at the very least give her a big hug for me and tell her I said Happy Thanksgiving.

Her: Oh, ok I will..

Me: Ok.. well, we'll see you tomorrow.

Her: Yeah.. see you tomorrow.

Me: Bye.

*click*

Ok.. rather innocuous conversation.. she's concerned about DS right?

I don't think so.. my friend at work thinks the following and I'm almost inclined to agree.

A) If she had any concerns about pickup and the 6:00 thing she had since Sunday when she signed the document.

B) She got off work early and wanted to go pick him up so that she would have to see me.

C) She called like the previous times under the guise of worry for DS.. just to hear my voice.

I dunno.. seems like a bit of a stretch, but it would be consistent with what I've been seeing of her being more open when he or his family isn't around..

Sorry I haven't stopped by sooner. I'm about your age (32) while I don't have kids I empathesize with your situation.

My take on un ncessary phone calls has to do with Plan James.

People tend to want what they can't have so while being in Plan James you've effectively said to her, " I'm own my responsabilities and I'm taking care of me"

She is calling because there is somewhere in that alien brain a sense of loss and inequity. She's basically still in limbo.

Keep fighting, James. Whiel there will be days that sting terribly just keep fighting for you and keep staying positive even in light of numerous setbacks.

I'm with you here. Even if I'm some guy who is fighting for his WxGF.

Some equate the struggle to God challenging us others equate it to pushing us to a better karmic path with greater enlightenment.

While it seems impossible that the ones we loved loved us with everything and then claimed greater love for a complete stranger we can take solice in the fact that we understand love in its entirity and that's enough to push forward.

Thanks for the post man. I've lurked on your thread a few times, and you're getting some good advice.

You're absolutely right.. and I've said it several times and still believe it. Those of us here, fighting the odds for our marriages understand that there is a deeper love.. a mature love out there and -that- is the love we're fighting for.

Our Waywards have obviously read too many romance novels that end -way- before the real work of a relationship and a -true- romance takes place.

Keep your chin up brother.. I can't say I fully understand the desire to keep on with a woman you're not married to, and have no children with.. but if that's your path, you walk it and don't let anyone tell you different.

I'd be -very- careful though before marrying her.. like years careful.

I know it's a treacherous path but I've never felt as much love as I did when I first saw her. I just knew.

She's a biproduct of her paretns separating and cheating plus she was accused by her aunt of cheating on her aunt's boyfriend and while the aunt was accusing her she died of an asthma attack.

She needs serious help but the good thing is she's got a lot of positive things going for her.

The desire is more of a promise that I made to myself.

While we were not married we lived together for over a year.

Her parents love me and knew that I love her with all my heart.

I've set up very high boundaries should decidde she wants to start anew.

You keep fighting the good fight.

Sounds like you've already done a much better job of getting on with yourself than I have. I'm getting there though, and I really appreciate the support.

My boundaries are pretty simple, though not something I figure she'll ever agree to, because along with NC with Wonderboy, I'm going to enforce a boundary on NC with Co-Worker chick as well.. she's no friend to the M. It'll force her to change jobs.. but them's the breaks. I'm also asking for total honesty and transparency.. for both of us. Finding out several things in the past months that she has been dishonest about throughout our M really bothers me.. I won't be able to continue without those things in place.. I wouldn't want to.

I don't figure she'll be able to meet my demands.. which is another reason I hesitate to go to Plan B with the letter spelling them out.. but it's how it would have to be... period.

Right now though the priority is getting DS home where he belongs.. reading a new father's custody guide called 'Civil War'.. it's pretty good.. You heard of this one MEDC?

It's just an act really fake it until you make it.

Not to mention you have much much more invested than me.

Boundaries are important and you might just be surprised that with tougher boundaries she might respect you more and go along with them.

Kids are great. I love 'em and they lvoe me that's why most people I meet think I'd be a great father.

Too abd my WxGF is often wasting her life and missing out on being a mother. Yep we had kids names picked out she even said things would be easier if we had a child a while back.

Stand tall and firm and at the end of the day you'll be able to respect yourself.