Hummingbird--<P>I was just wondering if the weekend ended as good as it started?<P>How are you feeling today about everything?

Hi Holly,<P>Thanks for asking Holly, it was very nice. <P>Even though he hunted Saturday morning and had to work 4PM- 12AM Satuday night, the in between was good. <P>Sunday morning we had a nice breakfast and then he practiced shooting his bow & arrow from 9:00-11:30AM (which bothered me), he does this alot when he's not hunting and even over the Summer at least 1/2hr each day. I tried to just not think about it, I did some chores, got on the computer and took my shower, but that time he was done. <P>When he came in he said he wanted to go the mall. I was surpised but I'll always go shopping. On the way he said "I've been thinking about your B-day, I wanted to get you Opera tickets for Phantom of the Opera, limo, dinner, etc. but I didn't think of it soon enough and I can't get them for this Saturday (my b-day is Oct. 16), would it be OK with you if we do that for a Xmas gift to eachother? And I want to get you jewerly for your B-day but I want you to pick it out to make sure you like it (he always has me pick out my jewerly he has very little self confidence that I'll like what he picks)". I said "Oh honey, I'd love to go to the Opera for Xmas, maybe we could stay overnight in the city and go on a horse & buggy ride through central park too? He agreed. I said "if you want to get me jewerly, you pick it, I'll love it, surprise me". He kept saying no, so we went to a jewerly where I saw a beautiful ring which he got me.<P>Later in the afternoon I wanted to see my mother because my dad and sisters were gone for the whole day and I knew they wouldn't be home until very late. I mentioned if he'd like to come but saw his face so I said "Really, it's OK if you stay home, I'll just go for an hour". He stayed home and I had a really nice visit with Mom. <P>Mom of course asked me how things are going. She also gave me alittle more of her advice. She said "you know it's really hard to find a good man today, your sisters haven't found anyone yet". Now my one sister is only 23, not interested in getting close to anyone. My other sister is 26, she'd like to get serious with someone but it very picky. She's even more romantic than me, she's waiting for someone where they'll eyes will meet, everything is perfect, fall in love and live happily ever after. She also had a talk with me on Saturday night and said "it's not easy being alone either, it's very lonely and there are alot of jerks out there".<P>My mother continued to tell me that even though my husband has his faults and he's wouldn't of been the first choice for me, she feels the most important thing is that he loves me. That I should try to ignore his hunting, when he's out to come over there, go out with your sisters, take advantage of the time "as my time", she said "you don't want someone who's always glued to your side, it's nice to have your space". Try to look at the good side. When he gets angry, try to ignore his comments, don't answer back, he'll cool down. She said "your husband never been my type of man I'd be attracted to as a husband but then you've said you could never my married to father, your father has alot of faults too". She said "you know what you husband's biggest problem is, it's that he's bored, he needs kids, that will stop he's stupid spending on all his toys, then he'll have to grow up and sometimes a child is the best thing to bring two people together." I don't feel this way, but I'm not arguing with my mom, I just listened.<P>When I came home he practicing shooting his bow again, but I was OK with it. We had a nice evening afterwards. <P>Sometimes Holly, like after this weekend, I see hope. But then I think of all the problems we have and have to work through it seems so overwhelming. I still miss the OM and my mind still goes to him, it's not as much, but he's still there. I think of my fantasy world with him and how we'd have no problems to work through and how perfect he was. How I felt that "love" for him and it's not there with my husband now. I know my withdrawal clouds things, it's so hard, I still feel that I love the OM. Even in the bookstore on Saturday, a man walked passed me that smelled just like the OM. I got goosebumps all over. God, I loved the way the OM smelled.<P>I feel at times that I have nothing in common with my husband. I said to him last night "Tell me, why do you love me?" He said "You know why", I said no I want to know "why", he said you know I'm not good with words "I love you because of who you are, your a wonderful person, a bighearted beautiful person, you put up with me, you give me so much and I just love you because of everything you are". I said "it doesn't matter to you that we don't have alot in common?" he said no it was OK with him.<P>Holly, I'm sorry for this long message and thanks again for asking. How was your weekend? You seem to be much better in getting over the OM.

Hum, every time you post these conversations, we learn so much more about your H. You should go back and read them...he tells you so much during these times and sometimes you can't see it.<P>Your H is sort of like mine to the Nth power. Low self-esteem from being the "designated family sh*thead", conflict avoider, problems managing anger, seeking some "parenting" from the wife, etc., etc.<P>Hum, I'm with WhoDat -- H knows you had an affair. It's sort of nebulous "stuff" in his mind, but he knows. The kinds of fights you've had lately scare the heck out of him, and in his own semi-inept way, he's trying to make amends for some of the lunkhead, destructive, nasty things he's done. <P>Yes, he "knows", but whether he wants to KNOW is another story. Like I "know" that something happened in S.F. last year between H and PSBFH, but I don't want to KNOW.<P>Your mom made some excellent points, most notably the notion of using your H's hunting time to your own advantage. However, she is WRONG, WRONG, WRONG if she thinks that having kids will "settle him down" and make him stop needing toys. Why do mothers always do that? What a terrible burden to place on a child, to make him make his father "settle down." Awful. Just awful.<P>You know, in many ways your H is a little boy himself...that may affect his ability to be a father. My H just knows he doesn't like children, but I think in reality, he wants all the nurturing in the house for himself. He's willing to share me with the cats, but that's it. <P>Your H is grateful that you are willing to put up with him. Mine's the same way. They don't think much of themselves, and they don't know why we do it. Sometimes they push us away. He gives you what he can, but he doesn't have much by way of reserves to give you. I have to learn how to live with those limits, and so do you. It's hard when the little red needle is pointing to "E", though.<P>One thing about the "romance" stuff though -- clearly your H is good at those accoutrements of romance on an infrequent basis. I'll tell you something, though...those highs are the inverse of some pretty serious lows. NO relationship, not even with OM, would consist of that all the time. When real life sets in -- work, laundry, housework, bills, kids, romance becomes far less frequent.<P>There's definitely hope with your H...but you are going to have to learn how to deal with his limitations, and learn how to nurture yourself.<P>

Your mom did have some good advise. I like my space, too.<P>The jury is still out on your H as a dad. If he got some help controlling that anger and was up for the whole package of a child, boy or girl, he may make a wonderful dad. My H is a fantastic father and because we are so different, but respect and do not compete with the differences, we make a dynamic parenting team.<P>My H is gender neutral and tries to involve his daughters in everything he does. I would not be too keen on the hunting with kids, but your H may turn out to be a great playmate, which is fine as long as he can handle his share of the grunt work with kids.<P>However, never bring a child into this world to fix anything. This is clearly not the right time. My H and I accidently got pregnant at a kind of a low point in our marriage and it did turn our marriage around, but unless you have a rock solid commitment to your marriage and your H is fit to parent, don't do it.<P>But otherwise, you Mom's giving you some sound advise. I'm betting she likes her family to revolve around her, though, doesn't she?<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

Hummingbird<BR>I just wanted to tell you that my H has the hunting thing too. Bigtime. I have been dealing with hunting season for 20 years now. My birthday is in Oct. - right in the middle. Elk, deer, antelope, ducks, pheasants.....<BR>Does your H fish too?<BR>When I had my first miscarriage in 1982 I had the nerve to start miscarriying right before a weekend fishing trip. Guess what my H did?<BR>I have learned to live with this over the years. If I can help you out in any way please let me know. I don't want to ramble but wanted to let you know that I can really relate.<BR>

Hum--<BR>I'm glad you had such a good weekend...I hope things continue to go well for you. It sounds like your husband is really trying.<P>My weekend was pretty good...no complaints really. I spent alot of time with my husband and I actually felt like I wanted to be with him.<P>I am starting to forget about the OM. He still crosses my mind alot...but it doesn't hurt as much to think about him anymore. At this point I'm really quite thankful that things didn't work out between us. Sometimes I think what my life would be like right now if I was with the OM and it almost makes me laugh...I would miss my husband and everything I have with him. I still wish I had that "in love" feeling with my husband, but I think that was withdrawal talking more than anything else.<P>In all honesty, I think part of my problem was the recent move to North Carolina. I was desperately hanging on to the OM because I didn't want to give up my life in New Jersey. Now that I'm starting to make friends and get used to my life here it's getting a little easier.<P>It sounds like you are making some great progress...hopefully the OM will keep his distance.

My husband is a still a kid in many ways. And I do fall into the "mom" role, I handle the bills and I feel like it's up to me to say "yes, we can buy this, or no too expensive". I feel into this role because money flows like water threw my husband's pockets. I'm more conversative. I want to an "emergency fund" and I think down the road about children and if I decide to stay home for even 5 months, we'll need my salary saved up. <P>My husband is excellent with children. He's almost a magnet for them. My parents, relatives and friends have commented on it. Maybe because he'd at their level! He jokes with them, clowns around, etc. When my cousin came last weekend to stay with us, she has 3 kids, a 10 month old girl, 2 1/2 old boy and a 4 1/2 old boy. Well the 2 1/2 cryed all the time because he missed his home and basically we kept him busy with barny videos (stopped his crying), but the <BR>4 1/2 (who is very shy), clinged to my husband. He was my husband's shadow. They were in the backyard digging for worms, restling and playing. My cousin kept saying to me "this is man who doesn't want children?" I said "yes, but you see your children are going home tomorrow". My husband's sister has a 3 yr. boy who looks up to my husband and repeats everything my husband says. <P>When he has spoken of children he has commented on how a little hunting buddy would be nice but he has also said that a little girl could be my best friend and I wouldn't miss him so much when he's hunting. Also having a child during hunting season is definitely out, we would have to make sure that didn't happen. I know we could try but I also know there's no guarantee on that one.<P>OM looks very sad today. I know I shouldn't be looking at him, not my problem. It's hard though, just want to ask if he's OK but I won't.

Holly, I've been meaning to comment about where you live now in North Carolina. I read alittle about it on another thread and it sounds beautiful. Your very lucky . I'm not sure where in New Jersey you lived but where I am it's very congested and very expensive. The taxes alone are increditable. I don't mind it but my husband has commented many times about moving somewhere where we could have deer in our backyard, real woodsy. I do enjoy privacy but I also like the mall close by.<P>It must be hard though to leave family & friends. I assumed you moved for work reasons.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR> I don't mind it but my husband has commented many times about moving somewhere where we could have deer in our backyard, real woodsy.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Well, Hum,... at least then he wouldn’t be gone hunting too long... just open a window, stick a gun out and BAM!<P>OK... bad joke. <BR>

It's so strange to hear you all "complaining" about hunting season.<P>I LIVE FOR IT.<P>It means my H will be gone for an entire weekend (maybe two if he doesn't get a deer the first weekend).<P>I'm sorry. I'm just not on the same wavelength as you all are. Yeah, I used to not like him to leave ... but that was 100 years ago. Now I look forward to it ... even wish it was longer.<P>

Maya,<P>Everyone's telling me and I feel I should take on a hobby to occupy my time, but I still feel I want time with him, that I'm only doing it because I have to. I do miss him when he's not home (I know that means something). I guess it means I need to still try in my marriage. <P>Part of me is afraid that will come to a point that I won't care if he's home or not, I will actually be relieved he's gone. I don't want a marriage like that. I want a companion. There has to be some kind of balance. Maybe if the time we spent together was real quality time and was satisfied I wouldn't feel so empty when he's gone. I will try an activity or time with family & friends but I'm not sure it'll fill that "companion" void I feel.<P>How was counseling? Will you continue going?<P>WhoDat: Your joking but my husband would be in heaven! <p>[This message has been edited by Hummingbird (edited October 11, 1999).]

Counseling is not till the end of the month. But I'm considering canceling it. I can't explain how I'm feeling ... so much despair, so much pain ... I just wanna give up. I just can't see how ANYTHING is gonna help me.<P>Sorry. I know I'm bringing everyone down when I write like this ... I'm just feeling so hopeless ...<P>I'm ashamed that I don't long to have my H has a companion ... ashamed that I look forward to him being gone so I can be alone ... I dream of that way too often I'm afraid.<P><p>[This message has been edited by Maya (edited October 11, 1999).]

Hey Maya,<P>It doesn't take a degree in rocket science to see that you're exhibiting most of the signs of clinical depression. Get back to your doctor and discuss this.<P>And gee, if you KNEW how to solve all these unsolvable problems, you wouldn't need a counselor's help! Whatever you do, don't cancel that appointment.

Maya,<P>I'm sorry I thought you already went . I've been going to counseling for a month now alone, I feel it is helping if not to just have someone to talk to. <P>Don't cancel your appointment, go. I know it's not a quick fix but it really does help to relieve some pain and pressure. I don't know if you have anyone to talk to about your maritial problems (recently I told my family, but they don't know about my affair), I didn't except my OM which was BAD. No one knows about my affair except the OM, my friends here and now my counselor. I felt like I was going to explode.<P>I'm sorry I don't know your story and I know my advice is shakey as well right now. But please try counseling.<p>[This message has been edited by Hummingbird (edited October 11, 1999).]