Thanks SDGuy... I remember reading you dealing with these kinds of thoughts..

I'm trying to be more active.. definitely spending more time and being more involved in DD's sports stuff is helping.. but I'm also meeting mostly women at these places.. and it's nice to be admired -by them- for my involvement in my kids' lives.. so it's kind of a catch 22..

As for the TJ.. it's not.. it's actually very relevant and something I think ought to be explored.

I too agree with grandpa <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> that there's probably a big difference between dealing with WW and WH's... Honestly, from things I've read on other sites.. things I've picked up along the way.. stories and such.. WW's tend to completely emotionally check out of a relationship to join in a new one. WH's seem far more likely to fence sit.. not that there aren't exceptions.. I'm just saying more likely.

Women tend to internalize issues while men just act out.. men typically are able to let go of things that happened in the past much easier as well.. there's a reason for the stereotype of trying to have an argument with your wife about something that happened today, and having to defend yourself for things that happened for the past 4 months.. frustrating, but tended to be true in my case at least.. FIL mentioned this to me last week at one point.. one of the reasons he 'dates' but doesn't ever plan to marry again.

I think one of the reasons I relate to SDGuy is that I don't see my WW being able to admit to herself the wrongdoing.. and assuming she ever does.. won't forgive herself for it or allow for anyone else to.. I think that's part of why she's so standoffish.

I think the avoidance of dealing with the people who actually know her speaks a lot to this.. everyone has the impression that somewhere deep down she has to KNOW that this is wrong.. or she wouldn't be acting the way she is acting towards everyone.

Good info...nothing to add but can you please clarify this for me?

It's good to have guy's POVs...thank you!

Well.. I guess the best thing I can do is give an example.

My trigger: Empty soda can on the counter, steps away from the trash can.

Her trigger: Not moving the 'empty' clothes hangers to a spot where they aren't mixed in with clothes and easily accessable.


My response at first was to get irritated and make some off-the-cuff remark about how silly it was, and couldn't she have just taken the extra step to throw it away?... After a while I just threw it in the trash and walked away.. didn't think of it again after that... ACTING OUT..

Her response pretty consistently was to just fold my clothes and leave them in the hallway outside of our room.. and then at -some point- weeks or months later.. blow up about it when arguing about some completely unrelated issue... internalization.. or basically keeping inventory and holding on to minor irritations that build and build until they can later be more effectively released.

Ah...keeping score...Gotcha...

Guilty as charged...POWS went to work and came home to watch TV and get on CPU...I did alot of score keeping cause I was mad as ^*ll he wouldn't get off [email]his@SS![/email]

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Thanks! I was the one mad about the coke can all the time! LOL <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Yeah.> WW did a lot of the same scorekeeping.

Only problem was.. I didn't jump on my PC or play games or whatnot until AFTER I had worked with DSD's homework, played with DS and kept him busy, made dinner, cleaned up after dinner and was on the way to put the kids to bed.


Now.. I realize.. I -should- have been spending that time giving WW attention instead of playing games... but.. she had her romance novel and seemed happy.. I just missed the boat.. something I'd do different -this- time around.

Well, that's an area I felt entitled to be mad about BUT...

I think I had reason...I don't think I'm justifing...since it can up I think that's something I want to watch too...speak O&H, right up front and left it alone...

I think that would be easier to do now, since I'm less judgemental than I ever was...I accept things so much easier these days...

Thanks!

James,

I think I could be the QUEEN of regrets and should have's and could have's etc.

What I have come to realize through this book I am reading on the 23rd Psalm is that G-d put obstacles in OUR LIVES for his purpose.

We are LEARNING very valuable lessons and LIKE ME, you have been willing to look at what your actions did to your part in the marriage.

I'm not sure what exactly I am trying to say, accept know that you are in a different place and a different person and G-d knows that.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
SG

Ok folks... a day of weakness for Jamesus..

Culiminates in a devotional which restores my strength.

Getting ready to go to IC..

Was directed to the following.. I -encourage- it for all BS's who feel doubt or ready to give up: Psalms 37, 91, and 119.

TRUST..

BELIEVE..

FAITH..

I need to stop with my doubt.. I've come too often with doubt in my mind.. and just really trust.

GuidedCertainty has it right in her sig.

James, it's good that you can tell when you feel weak and even better that you know where to go when you feel weak to counter those feelings.

It's difficult to resist temptation when you have been forsaken. However, I will say this. Whether your WW comes back on not you need to continue to gather strength for yourself for either the incredible difficult reconcilation period, or simply being strong enough for someone else who deserves a complete you.

Faith in love and facing our faults is the key to life. If nothing else you are giving love and facing your fears and your faults.

If you want a good book to blow your mind read Many Lives, Many Masters by Dr. Brian Weiss. It will make you feel better.

Thanks for the suggestion Infodude.. I'm still working my way through a couple of Father's Rights books and trying to keep my focus in the right place.

IC session last night. No breakthroughs and of course I did get a thwack for the last 2 days of thinking about DD's mom.. but I deserved it.

Mentioned that WW cut off the IL's.. and she said 'Well.. for now at least'
Then I mentioned FIL's email back to her that pretty much said, 'This relationship won't last long, and we'll be here for you at the end of it.' and her eyes got wide and said 'Well.. that, I'm sure puts a lot of pressure back on her.'

She just shook her head regarding all the stuff with DSD.. said it's a real shame what she's doing to that little girl.

I have to agree.. unfortunate in the extreme.

I'm going to wait things out.. let things happen around me and see where I'm at. Taking inventory of things one day at a time, and trying to make the best decisions for me I can.

Listening to God.. doing as He instructs and waiting on His promise.

We'll see what happens.

I'm feeling pretty good today. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't still nagged by thoughts of DD'sBM, but like I said before.. I'm going to let things happen around me and see where the dust settles over time. I'm going to BE STILL.. and wait for the Lord to guide my steps.

I believe He has told me to WAIT... hasn't specified on what yet.. but He has told me to WAIT.

So that's what I'm going to do.

Who knows what tomorrow will bring... I pray for a repentant and broken woman at my doorstep with my children in her arms... looking for the husband and father they love.

Good morning,

Tomorrow doesn't matter, just today and the lessons and work that G-d is doing in each of us.

I too am lying down and being still so G-d can strengthen me for the battle I am in and oh so tired of.

I wish you a spectacular day, <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I wish the same for you SG.. I understand being tired of the battle.. but we must remember that we have found favor with God to be called to stand for our marriages..

We need not lament our sufferings, but rejoice in them because they temper our souls to be ripe for His healing and guidance.

Though I love the lush green pastures and still waters.

It couldn't have been a cruise with hot sun and tanning stuff to completely relax? LOL Not to mention with my shades. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Mmm... a cruise..

I think once the dust settles, I'm going to schedule some vacation time and actually take me one of those.. I pray that it will be a celebration -with- my wife...

On the other hand.. could take DS and DD on the Disney cruise <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.. I've been wanting to do that -so- bad.. tax check.. pamper self..

Yep... a cruise.

And yes, take time for vacation and rest. And I pray it includes your wife.

The cruise I would take my Hubby on is to Alaska. Somewhere he has always wanted to go to.

Hubby and I took a cruise to the Carribean and it was an amazing time we had. I have that picture of us on my desk. People comment how different he looks now.

Not the happy, open, loving man I married.

Hey everyone, happy Saturday.

My little guy is spending the day feeling a little under the weather. Had a little tummy ache this morning that turned into us seeing breakfast again.. WW called around that time and DS had no desire to talk to her at all.. I told her I'd call her back later when he was feeling better.

Called back a few hours later and told her what was going on. She wasn't suprised, and said something was going around. Let her talk to him for a few.. he told her he was feeling better and handed the phone back to me.. Had him give her an ILY and tell her bye before I hung up... was a pleasant conversation overall.. but nothing I'd even categorize as a LV. I suppose if I were to give it a LV tag was that I'm finding it easier to talk to her about things. Plan A is going well I guess.. the progress is for me, not her right?

Well.. last night DS had his Christmas program for daycare. It's my weekend so I picked him up, brought him home and got him ready for the show. He was, of course magnificent and cute as could be. We were there early as he had to get his elf outfit ready. WW got there about 5 minutes before showtime.. I caught her peeking in the main hall for me and then apparently decided they would go up to the balcony to watch. Was WW, Wonderboy, and his mom.. no DSD which kinda bugs me.. DSD should have been at her brother's show.. I'm sure she wasn't there because I was going to be there, but who is really being 'punished' by this.. DSD and DS.. I'm sure she'd have -wanted- to be there.. and it continues to bother me that WW seems to have no problem leaving DSD behind whether it's to come pick up DS from my house or now this.. it's just sad.

After the show WW and Wonderboy were waiting in the lobby, and I brought DS over to see WW. Wonderboy tried to say something to him but DS ignored him and gave WW a hug and let her fawn on him for a few minutes. I made a comment to her about when he came out in his elf outfit I thought he might do the 'booty shake' dance he did last year.. she kinda chuckled at the memory.. hugged him goodbye and promised to call him in the morning. Wonderboy was mute, but again -had- to be within arms reach and overseeing the situation.. such confidence in that one.

There was only room for one car through at a time on the way out.. and I moved over for an oncoming van, only to realize it was Wonderboy and WW in my van coming at me.. passed as he stared into my car.. and I just smirked.

I took pictures of the show on my phone and sent some of them to her in an email this morning.. Plus another of DS sitting with a ball on the basketball court in the middle of her HS logo and mascot.. more plan A type stuff.. I'm sure she's not expecting it.

Here's the email.. I think I'm doing things right.. y'all can slap me around if you've got better ideas.


WW,

For whatever reason most of the pics from last night came out too small to get any detail out of. Thought I'd send you a couple that I thought were pretty cute so you'd have them too. There's also another one in here I had in my phone that I thought you would appreciate. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Please give DSD my love, and be careful if you go out today or tomorrow.. it's getting pretty nasty outside.

In my heart and in my prayers,
James

James...I am ANGRY for you. I would love to shove my size 13 shoe in your wife's butt. How dare she come to that show with OM. How absolutely disrespectful can one human be?
I am shocked at your sending ...or wanting to send her that email...I truly don't get it. You do what you feel is best, but I just don't see how any of this is going to help.

WB should have been thrown head first off that balcony....just my opinion.

Honestly MEDC..I totally -ignore- Wonderboy when he's there.. and honestly it kind of amused me that DS did too. He just kinda stood there mute and looking uncomfortable in the lobby... I honestly think the more he -is- there when I'm around her and DS the more he may see that I'm not the monster I've probably been made out to be.. and it may cause him to consider things.. Honestly his body language and comfort level are very telling of how 'secure' he is in that relationship.. and I have no doubts it'll eventually lead to LBing between them if it hasn't already.. WW doesn't do 'clingy'.

Yes.. Wonderscumbag is a problem.. but by not making him a big deal I feel like I can personally trivialize him... he's not important.. I'm at a point where I don't feel at all uncomfortable talking to WW in his presence just as if he weren't there... If I were to make issue of it, it'd probably just push her towards him even more than she already is.. I'm calm, cool, confident.. and am acting just as if he doesn't make any difference at all.. she says our breaking up has nothing to do with him.. so to me I'm going to treat him like he's nothing... eventually he will be.

Interesting sidenote to that last thought..

SIL pretty much trivialized him too in her email back to him last week.. Wonder how long it'll take for him to get the message that nobody on -this- side gives two shakes about him... he's like the piece of trash nobody has gotten around to throwing away yet.

MEDC,

I can tell you from first hand experience like James, they DON'T CARE about us or what it LOOKS like. They do as they please - it's all about them. Like it's meant to punish us or rub our noses in it. Maybe cause the S inside is fighting and they are pushing back harder. Who knows, but it's dispicable and hurtful and cruel. But those who know what's going on, also know how insane they are acting and are disgusted by it.

James,
I think they way you are handling it is great. I KNOW how hard it is and I am just in awe of your spirit. Wanna send some my way today.

My kids are grouchy because I am asking them to do chores. It's like my WH and I am the piece of crap that gets all their anger.

I'm really spiritually tired and mentally exhausted today.

I'm praying for you dude. Have a great weekend with DS