I'll consider it some more.. I'm just weighing the 'he's nobody' vs making him a big deal..

I feel like I'm making progress little by little in getting her to open up again.. in being able to show her over time what she's missing.. even with him sitting right there..

Not sure how I'll approach that guys.. but we'll see.

James:

MEDC has a point.

He can be tough sometimes, but on this, he is making a very valid point.

WB shows up to pee on your tree. To establish HIS boundary on YOUR property.

Read over on MustandDrivers, Papaof3, POMDo3?,etc various threads. He did get divorced, and his Ex-W would bring the flavor of the week over every time at pick up and drop off of the kids. It made him crazy. Since he was divorced, there wasn't much he could do.

Your NOT. So start enforcing that boundary.

HIS family was gotten physical with you and intimidated YOU. So, give a little push back. And not allowing him at your house, is just one way to get back. Park your car at the END of the driveway, so that HE can't pull in. THEY have to walk up. It isolates you with WW as well.

Then do the itmes discussed above. Insert yourself between your Wife and kids, and him. Turn your back to him. Keep him OUT of the center of any activities that happen where you are all present. Let HIM attempt to squeeze back in.

Your W will respect that. WW will whine and cry and stamp her FEET. So What. You want the respect. And W, will respond to that. Down the road.

It's these little battles, that HELP YOU the most. WB realizes what fragile ground he stands on. So shake that ground. It is good for you in the long run.

LG

Ok.. how about this.

WW,

I'm going to ask one time that you no longer bring WB with you for the exchanges. It's troubling enough that you feel it is ok to parade him around our childrens public functions, but I feel no obligation whatsoever to continue to put up with your boyfriend showing up at your husband's house as well. He is no friend of mine or my family, and is not welcome.

J

PS. Regarding the Christmas exchanges, I see no reason to alter what we are doing currently. Whichever of us is 'picking up' does the driving.

How about..simply..to the point:


I do not want WB to be present for the exchanges between us.

(BEAT YOUR CHEST!!)

Your letter sounds whiny to me.

I agree that you need to put your foot down about this.

Say what YOU will not put up with.

Plan A is NOT about you CATERING to her or ENABLING her DISRESPECT of you.

So just that..

Maybe I'll put it in together with the Christmas exchanges.. she made it a point to say that the only thing ambiguous in the guidelines was who did the pick up and drop off.

How about something like this:

To: IceQueen
From: Warrior Jamesus
RE: Exchanges

WW,

Regarding the Christmas exchanges, I see no reason to alter what we are doing currently. Whichever of us is 'picking up' does the driving.

Furthermore, WB is no longer welcome to come to my house with you for exchanges.

James

I'd be interested 2 hear Steve's or Jennifer's opinions on all this.

-ol' 2long

A good question to consider is: Where were you lacking in the ENs department?

What were her issues with you?

I'm attracted to my H's FAMILY COMMITMENT: "I'm going to protect my flock"

The issues she's stated center mostly around my emotional availability to give her attention and communication. She basically felt 'lonely' and like we were just roomates.. or that we were just together for the kids.

I think it's a good idea.. I'm just a little stuck on the best way to put it out there.

I think tying it into the response on the Christmas visitation would have the proper flow.. but at the same time I don't want it to seem like I only mean it to be during that period of time.

Had a thought about it over lunch..

how about:

WW,

Regarding the Christmas exchanges, I see no reason to alter what we are doing currently. Whichever of us is 'picking up' does the driving.

In addition, since it apparently was not made clear before, my wife is and will always be welcome at my home, her boyfriend is not. I do not wish to be seen by my children, neighbors, or otherwise to condone or endorse another any mans relationship to my wife except her husband.

James

Well.. checked my email and noticed that she'd changed the contact email on my credit card (which she has been ordered to pay in the temporary orders) without even letting me know she was going to do it.. I sent the following and just hit it all in one shot.


RE: Exchanges and XXXX Card

WW,

Regarding the Christmas exchanges, I see no reason we should alter the current pattern of whichever one of us is 'picking up' doing the driving.

Also, I would appreciate it if your boyfriend no longer accompanied you to my house, he is not welcome.

FYI: I received upon my return from lunch that the notification email on the XXXX card has been changed. I have changed it back since the card and credit is in my name, I left the account accessable to you as a convenience only to make the payments you have been ordered to make, not for the purposes of making changes to my account. I have no problem promptly forwarding you the reminders and notifications of when payments post if you wish to see them.

In my heart and prayers,
James

Well.. opinion or no.. it's sent.

I'd be interested too.. and I understand that I need to set up a consultation with them.

I know their advice is the trained professional advice, but to be honest.. it's sent.. it's something that has been bothering -me-.. I was really uncomfortable with the implicit notion that I was endorsing or condoning this relationship by allowing my kids to leave my home with him.

What she does as the custodial (temporary) parent at the place she is staying is up to her.. but I don't have to, and won't be made to compromise my own moral values in my own house. There really isn't a lot I can do or say if she wants to have him wait in the street for her... so long as he doesn't come onto my property.

WONDERFUL!! I see you STANDING TALL now..and BEATING YOUR CHEST!! Let no one make you live in opposition to your own beliefs and values.

ONWARD WARRIOR JAMES!!

I don't disagree that it needed 2 be sent.

But I saw you considering wreaking some violence on Wondermoron's hiney, and though we'd all love 2 see the snot thwacked out of someone interfering in someone else's (edited: I meant FAMILY, but digital dyslexia had me type FANTASY) fantasy, the simple and disgusting truth is that it isn't illegal 2 have an A, but it is illegal 2 wreak violence.

I hope the email evokes some positivity from your WW, but it likely won't.

I'd still like 2 know what the Harleys think you should do in this delicate si2ation.

-ol' 2long

I'd like to know too.. and I'm sure it'll be part of whatever 'strategy' we lay out once I do finally get my [censored] in gear and do a consultation.

I have no intentions on giving the beatdown the boy so richly deserves.. The only thing I asked (and nicely too I thought) was that he did not come to my house with her.

I'm very much in control of myself here, and would do nothing of the sort which would jepoardize my chances of winning custody of DS.

As far as Wonderboy goes.. I plan to pretty much treat him like he doesn't exist.. on the occasions we must be in the vicinity of eachother the most he's going to get out of me is a knowing smile, smirk, or grin. If he initiates a confrontation I will defend myself, but I will not initiate violence.. I'm well in control of my faculties in that regard.. no worries ol chum.

Oh... and about this:



I doubt it.. I'm sure that nothing about the email will particularly make her 'happy'.. but I don't think any of it is a LB, it's not flowery or anything but it clearly and concisely states my position. I think the only 'positive' thing she can do is comply.. and if she doesn't.. well then I'll have the email to document my request... I'll give it to my lawyer and have him send the same request a second time to her lawyer.

I liked your email, Jamesus.

Great job.

Thanks Sushi... It's taking me a while but I'm getting the notion on the respect thing..

sometimes respect is not earned..

sometimes you have to command it.