Actually my congrats are sincere GC.. I sincerely want her out of that environment with WSB's family all around her all the time. I don't want my kids there either.. I also sincerely think the sooner that happens and she's forced to actually be responsible for daily life etc she'll have a greater appreciation for all of the things I did, and still do for our family.. also I firmly believe it will bring about the demise of the A that much quicker.


And I totally agree.. no fault divorce is the work of the devil in our society.. it weakens the covenant of marriage, morality, the church, and the people.

Well.. talked to the lawyer this morning, and he says because we deviated over Christmas Vacation and I got him the whole time that we shouldn't make issue of her getting him this week.

We did get a response out of the Custody Evaluation group that we wanted to come in.. the ones that don't do the psych testing, but do come and do in home visits and talk to the extended family/ OP's / etc and do a thorough eval. Says both times he's dealt with them in the past they have ruled in the favor of the father, but that doesn't necessarily mean anything.. They do work in our county.. it's going to cost us.. but we're petitioning the court today to get them assigned.

James,

One thing that *I* think is important is that at the start to be sure that you stick to the schedule. Once you begin to deviate from it, it just opens too many cans of worms down the road. Too much back & forth.

From here on out, make SURE that you know exactly what is stated in the agreement and stick to it. I've been working on a calendar for the entire year for myself so that i know in advance EXACTLY what the agreement states so that I can plan accordingly.

If the WS doesn't do the same, that's their problem. I've found the agreement works just fine as long as you plan around it for your kids,,, which of course I do and know you will too. It's usually the WS that has issues or wants to make changes as they are planning their lives around the AP instead of making their kids #1.

Hang in there. Glad to hear that you are getting those folks involved that can help your long term sitch,,,,,,,,,,and that "cost" is not an issue. I am so proud to read of another Dad out there who truly understands what the TRUE costs are by not standing for their children!

I'm going to keep fighting until I don't have any more clothes to wear or sell to get the money to keep fighting.. whatever the costs.. my children's futures are worth it.

Jamesus,

I know there are several places where you can utilize co-parenting calendars to keep up with the visistation schedule and other activities, appts, etc. Yahoo used to have a free one....but I can't find it. Here's a couple that I could find:

http://www.jointparents.com/

http://www.parentingtime.net/info_calendar.htm

It would be so great if you didn't need these at all, and I'm still hoping the new year will reunite your family....but in the meantime....this is a helpful tool.

((((((((((((((((jamesus)))))))))))))))))

Thanks for this Star.. I appreciate it.

I was hoping we wouldn't need something like this but I guess it is what it is.

Good morning,

We haven't spoked for awhile and you are so in the best of hands. I am thinking about you and hope you are doing ok. It sounds like it, but I wanted to make sure.

Excellent! Do they also interview the children?

PM Yes they do.. this was an important consideration as well.

Now I'm not sure what an interview with a 3 year old will net them.. and I'm not sure I can force the issue with DSD either.

We'll have to see how that works.

Honestly though, I figure a few minutes on the phone with Dad or SIL might be enough, if the right questions are asked.

SG

I'm doing ok I suppose. I can't say I have not faltered, or even fallen a few times in the last couple of days. New Years was really a lot harder than I probably let on to anyone.

I'm still hanging on to the 'Should Be' instead of 'What Is'.. and should probably be beaten about the head and shoulders for it.. but really it's just me torturing myself, and I need to let that go.

I have an IC session coming up tomorrow.. and since I won't be having DS tonight as planned, I think I'll spend some time in the adoration chapel.

I'm hurting today.. it's not overwhelming, but it is distracting and at the very edge of my awareness. The daily Psalm today speaks of God's victory.. I'm ashamed to admit it, but it is difficult to believe in God's victory today as I still feel as far as ever from my WW... and then I remember that I am just as much a reason for God to celebrate a victory as my WW is.. I've had to come a long way to get here too.. so yes.. LV after LV this week, and yet I am still saddened.. I'm not sure what it'll take to break this funk, but I'm going to press on, get through today and try to enjoy what pieces I can of it.

Don't think anything has changed enough to get Jennifer involved again.. I'm trying to keep what she said to me in mind. The most important thing for me to keep in mind in my Plan A.. since I'm doing and have done a lot of the self eval/improvement portion.. is to protect WW from my LBing..

I think the phone call last night might not have been a good thing.. I tried to spell out to her what the guidelines said.. but persuing this argument isn't going to get me anywhere.. and if the lawyer thinks it'd be seen as 'petty' to persue action on it since I got the -entire- Christmas break.. it's useless to continue it. I think I will make mention though.. somewhere that we no longer deviate from the holiday schedule.. make things less confusing.

I think your lawyer is right on about this. Choose your battles carefully.

I don't think YOU should make mention of it to HER at all right now. I think a friendly little BTW letter from your attorney to hers about future adherence to the guidelines will get the point across just as nicely and leave the emotions out of it.

But IF you really wanted to say something though and throw out a Plan A zinger, how about this? You know W, I just want to apologize for you for getting STUCK on the rules yesterday that have been set up for us that now control our lives. It's not easy for either one of us and I know DS loves us both and would love to spend time with both of us together. But of course, that's not possible right now. Anyway, wishing us both God blessings in 2008.

James,

You will be okay. I know what it is like in the middle of the battle. You will endure, as long as you keep your eyes on Him.

That being said, I wanted to point out something. Now, I might be wrong about this...but, I am feeling a little uneasy about some of the validation you are giving your WW. Nowherein Plan A does it say that you must validate her affair or anything to do with it. That isnt Plan A...that isnt meeting needs...that isnt stopping love busters. That IS being a doormat!

You congratulated her on the house. Why? No matter how you felt inside about it being better than where she is at for the kids...it is still worse than where they all should be at.

You are under no obligation to ratify or deal with her improper and immoral choices. You dont have to deal with or be friends with the OM. You dont have to say nice things about her choice of homes, etc. What you should say, at thevery least, is NOTHING. Plan A does allow and encourage things like "Honey, you look great today." Or, "congratulations on your promotion at work!" Those are things that have nothing to do with the affair.

Anythingto do with the affair should be dealt with as toxic waste. Her buying a house would not be happening if she wasnt in an affair.

When my wife got her own place two years ago, I refused to come in the house. I even refused to step on the property. I remained at my car, on the street. Now, you may think that was a little thing. But talk to my wife now. Talk to other FWSs and see if it is little.

What I did was continue to treat her immoral choices as immoral. I wouldnt normalize the abnormal! Which is what all people in an affair want.

By you saying congratulations, in a way...in her foggy mind, it meant that you are beginning to accept her choices as valid. And they certainly are not!

I'm not saying beat her up over the choices. That would hurt Plan A. All I am saying is...if it has ANYTHING to do with the affair, then just dont say anything, unless you have to. And if you have to, state what is real.

My response to her when she got the house, if I "HAD TO" respond, would have been "that's too bad." Not congratulations.

On the visitation thing and Christmas, you need to stay vigilent. Never give up your time...ever. At least not until after the divorce is decided. Stick with the judge's order.

Anyway, hang in there and stay on mission!

Ahhh... I see what you're saying MM.. so no more congratulating wayward behavior..

I hadn't looked at it like that really.. but you're absolutely right.

It will, in the future be dealt with as toxic waste.


PM.. I sorta took your advice, and sprinkled in a little something MM said a week or two ago that has stuck with me. The email looked like this:

WW,

I just want to apologize for the confusion yesterday, and getting stuck on the rules that have been set up for us that now control our lives with our son. I realize that none of this is easy for either of us, especially since we're already facing the loss of either 5 or 9 years worth of being the active parent in our son's life depending on the outcome of this. As a devoted husband and dad, I hope you'll understand why it is that I am not enthusiastic about missing a moment with any of you.

May God be with you today and always. Please give my love to our kids.

I've heard that DSD has an upcoming cheer event. Please especially let her know that I'm very proud of her hard work, wish her the best of luck, and hope she has lots of fun. I'd love to be there to support her if you'll forward me the information.

Always in my heart and prayers,
James

Great email James. Probably not at all what she expected.

It will, in the future be dealt with as toxic waste.

That was well put by MM.

Your DS and DSD having to live in a house full of sh*t for brains affair assisters is not great, but their relocation to a more private "Affair Lair" is hardly something to celebrate.

GC

Well.. here's the exchange as it continues:

It was -so- not what she was expecting.. and it merited 2 emails (one came as I replied to the first.. so I'll do them in order).




Here's the email that came in as I was replying to the first.. my response follows:

Ok... and her final word on the matter:

Another rattlesnake feeding proceeds as expected.

Oh yeah... she is SO rattled.

Wow......

You are in my prayers. Reach out to G-d dude. He is there for you.

Remember, they are sick, they are addicted and you are interfering on that world. Remember what I told you about the fire breathing dragon spewing their fire on you because they need to give it to someone. G-d is there, taking care of you.

I spent most of last week online here just feeling like I was connected to people who not only understood, but cared and were helping me. TMTS, literally spend a day and a half helping me not feel so alone as did so many others.

Come here and seek us out so that we can support you during the tough moments. Because they are truly awful.