Your current life is revolved around reacting to your WW.

She is in charge and calling the shots because you allow it.

Why not take back your Power and lead the way to the life you want with people who support and care for you and in way you can be proud of?

Why continue reacting to someone who has clearly done this before and hasn't learned from her past?

You may be well served to spend a couple of hours going back through your thread. It paints a picture. One you need to see.

Agreed.

James

No sdvice or anything like that. Just wanted you to know I was thinking of you and continuing to lift you up in prayer to God.

I, too, am tired. But God will give us rest and peace.

Give a kiss to your sweet DS. He's a treasure.

((((James))))

Smartie

Thanks for the input folks. I really appreciate the prayers and suggestions.

Queenie, you're right, and thank you so much for keeping me focused where I need to be forcused. On a relationship I -can- do something about.. my relationship with God, and with my children.

TJD.. you make a very valid point regarding her 'pattern' that she's set in her life. My IC has touched on this several times in our sessions.. and you're right, until she chooses to learn from it and make changes in herself, this cycle will keep repeating.. with guy after guy after guy.. and there's nothing I can ever do or say that can protect her from herself. It's letting go of that, that I've been struggling with. I love her enough to have tried.. but I really think I've tried just about everything I can to 'rescue' her from this decision.

You're also right that I've been 'reacting' to her throughout this entire process. I've been off balance for 6 months now, feeling like I have no control over even my own life. Problem with that is, is that she -is- in the driver's seat when it comes to DS and DSD.. and while I realize that part of what I have to let go of is the notion of reparing my relationship with DSD right now.. it may happen in the future, it may not.. but it's definitely off the table right now.. so I need to stop worrying about what I can't do anything about.. like WW and DSD.

The custody eval got approved.. now I'm just waiting to hear from the evaluators about when they want to come visit the house and see DS and I together separate etc.. however they handle this business. I'm driving that, so I feel like I'm doing what -I- can to give myself the best chance for DS. I really honestly wish none of this was necessary and that WW and I could come to, what strikes me as the only -reasonable- thing to do (given the divorce) and do joint physical and legal custody with equal time spent with both parents.

Smartie, thank you so much for the prayers, it means a great deal to me. I'm sorry you too have grown weary, and hope for both of us that God gives us the strength we need to get to where He wants us to be.

I'll be sure to give DS some lovin from the wonderful strangers he'll likely never know about in his life who care enough about him and his dad to help through this. You're all wonderful to me, and in your own ways God's angels to keep me from crumbling against this situation.

Looks like many of you are in tune with my IC these days.

IC doesn't see much hope for the situation either. All seem to agree that there is an opportunity here to improve communication, and I've got to change my approach to talking/communicating with her.

Had an opportunity yesterday to do just that, and I don't think I did too badly, though there were a few spots that I probably could have handled better than I did.

DS's birthday is tomorrow, and I let her know that I was going to be bringing in goodies for him at daycare, and made the offer to keep him overnight tonight and tomorrow so that she didn't have to worry about pickups or taking him to daycare. I also invited her to join us for the goodies with the kids from daycare.

She responded that she was planning to bring in a cake for them, and that they were having a party for him at the kids pizza place on the first, and invited me to join with a warning after that WB would be there.

My response was that I was planning on bringing cupcakes but if she was taking a cake I'd bring ice cream and juice and such, and that I'd like to try and coordinate it with her. I left it that I'd try to talk to her about it when I called DS last night.

The call with DS went pretty well as usual, and then I had him hand the phone to her. She's just dropping the cake off when she drops him off in the morning.. she kept making statements about how she's done it 'every year'.. as if he's been at daycare for more than just his last birthday. The only time she did it.. if she did it at all (she never told me about it) it was last year and that was it.

She went way out of her way to sanctify herself about how she always spends time with him on his birthday etc.. I just let it go. I told her that I'd be happy to come to the party on the first to share that time with DS.. and she went on and on about how WB was going to be there and how she didn't want anything to happen to spoil DS's day. I told her that I wouldn't cause any trouble and that I knew it was DS's day and about him, not me.. My tone there was a bit frustrated though I think because she was just belaboring the point.. I need to work on that ten count.

So.. looks like there are going to be opportunities for interaction.. I figure I may even get to see DSD a little bit during the party. It's DS's day so I'm not going to cause problems.. just be there to share in the joy and happiness of my son.

My plan at this point is to avoid interacting with WB if at all possible.. I'm not going to get my competitive stripe up either.. just let DS have fun and enjoy.. not going to let anything get in the way of that.

Good luck on the party and spending time with your children.

Let us know how it goes.

Well.. I can let you know how it went already.. and it's not even March 1 yet.


Got an email from her yesterday afternoon, UNINVITING me and my daughter.


I have not, and will not respond to it.

Emails get lost all the time, you know. Maybe you should talk to your ISP about that after the party? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

What a great idea. Bit <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

But then that wouldn't be honest and that's a Love Buster.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Let's see what others come up with. Though I like the idea myself.

If I read this correctly, the party is at the day care. Go. Do not worry about love busting...you are way beyond that. Your wife is an evil woman James. Evil.

I'm sorry James. You and your daughter must go. Start polishing up your teflon suits of armor.

Your daughter is a half-sister, right?

I pretty much had to quit reading this thread after totally processing what she has done to your stepdaughter. How she broke that little girl's relationship with her dad, let you become her acting dad and stepfather...and then cut you off from her completely.

She cares not for her own children, let alone any one else.

This isn't the fog James, and that is what we have all wanted you to see for so long...

Getting back with this woman would insure a life of misery for you. It'd be good for the kids because you would be back in their lives as full time dad, well especially good for the children...but not so good for you.

I do believe that otherwise good people do accidently get caught up in affairs, and do get lost in the fog...but not her.

She's just a nasty person. She may some day change by the grace of God...but you deserve so much better.

She is just so hateful, James.

She was nice to you for one night, the night she first kissed you. And then...

I hate to see anyone hurt like this. It's just so wrong.

James,

Everytime I read this thread I think of the old myth about the frog and the hot water.

"If you throw a frog into a pot of boiling water, he’ll jump out. But if you place a frog into a pot of lukewarm water and slowly turn up the heat, it will boil to death."

You need to take charge and change the dynamics of the game that is being played against you.

I think you are absolutley dead on, TJD... I'm sorry to say.

Oh yes, take one more thing - a male friend or relative (preferably a relative of WW) with a video camera. He's there to immortalize DS' birthday...and any altercations that WW, WB, or WB's family decide to start with you.

You, of course, will be totally suave and calm should this happen...

Yes. Plus with her uninvitation and WB's appearance at the birthday bash... just more evidence for your AOA suit.

That was probably too depressing a story to post here...

deleted after giving it some thought. Sorry.

James,

I have been reading and I elected to stay out of this as much as possible because of my feelings on it. But I can't stay quiet anymore....

James...WAKE UP!

She isn't going to come home nor should she. You have to let this poison out of your life. Divorce her, get custody of your son no matter what or how long it takes, and move on with your life.

You are kicking a dead horse and now it is time to stop. You are only hurting yourself now and your chances to get your son.

MEDC and I have agreed on one point through all of this..you are focusing on the wrong things. Forget her and get mean and get your son. Trying to get custody of your son and win your wife back at the same time just shows the court that you don't really think she's that bad since you are trying to be with her.

Think, man..think.

Offer her joint physical and legal custody and when she turns you down..get your gloves on and fight for your son.

James, you are a good man in a bad situation, but you are hanging on to a woman that doesn't want to be hung on to. Sorry to be blunt, but you look pathetic while doing it. Let it go...I mean really let her go.

No more talk other than about your son. No more gifts or anything for her. Cut her out of your life. Opening your door to her is like opening your door for a serial killer.

She doesn't want you, James. She doesn't want your marriage. She is right..you aren't listening. You are making out of it what you want it to be..not what is. For the life of me I can't figure out why you would want her back anyway.

I am still standing behind you..just a little further back than before.

And, yes, go to that party. If it is at the daycare..go and be there for your little man. Who cares what she says. She doesn't tell you where you can and can't go. It is time to put your son above all things. Get that boy out of there and then find a woman worthy of all this devotion.

I'm unsure how to do this exactly.. she does hold all of the cards right now.


There is no AOA stuff on the books in Indiana anymore, I've looked into it thinking that might be an option several months ago. No dice.

I am however keeping this as evidence of her clear intent to alienate me from my son's life.


This.. unfortunately is the plan at this point, and the only way I see for the pain to stop, or at least let up for me and my son.



I spent yesterday off work, and went into the daycare to celebrate my sons birthday with his friends and teachers at daycare. It was nothing short of wonderful, and DS was very proud and happy to have his dad sitting with him and his friends while they ate lunch and then had cupcakes my mom made for the occasion, ice cream, and some cake that WW dropped off with him in the morning. They even made him a little crown declaring him 'king for a day' at daycare.

After lunch the kids typically take naps, but DS and I left and went home to open his birthday presents. We spent the day playing together and watching his new movies.

WW came early or so I thought, and when I got the door open I asked 'You're running a bit early hmm?' in a calm and pleasant tone.. she snapped back that it was 8 instead of 8:30 for his birthday. I didn't respond, and simply finished getting DS ready, gave him a hug and kiss and told him Happy Birthday again and that I would see him tonight after work. I wished WW a good evening on her way out and didn't make further issue of things.

After they left I logged on to check my email and got a notification of WW's new address and phone number effective today. Looks like she got an apartment clear across town in another school district. Looks like her home ownership ambitions are curbed at least for now, and it's back to apartment living for her and the kids.

Nice thing is though, I didn't trigger about it the way I did back in December when she was talking about closing on a house. I'm not sure if it's the 'temporariness' of an apartment or just that I'm getting to the point of acceptance of the very things you guys are talking about lately. I am however glad that she and especially the kids are going to be getting out of He11house this weekend. It doesn't help the custody situation I know, but regardless of how that comes out, it will be better for the kids for her to be out of there.

I talked to my lawyer this week, and it looks like all I'm waiting on right now is for the evaluators to call and arrange a time to come visit the house and talk to me.

As for the birthday party thing.. The March 1 party is one that is being put on by WW and WB for DS at a local kids pizza place and she's invited all of the kids from daycare to come. Her rationalizations for uninviting me are that I have apparently displayed to her an inability to get along with WB and until I do her apparent intent is to keep he and I separated. She's taken my demand that he not come to my house and blown it into a situation that will prevent me from taking part of special events in my sons life. Honestly I haven't had occasion to say a word or hear a word from WB in about 5 months.. the last he and I said to eachother was during that bizzare conversation where he tried to demand that I respect him and his place in my wife and children's lives.. he can go climb a tree on that one. Her last words in the email are the most telling though, as she said pretty much that since WB is helping her plan the party, and I'm doing a bunch of stuff with DS this week and this weekend, that it wouldn't be fair to ask WB not to be there at his birthday party. Her email really makes no sense though as WB and I have been present in the same place for DS's Christmas program, and while dispicable that she brought him, the occasion passed without incident, and I have also picked up DS from He11house with him present and caused no incident.. she's just trying to rationalize further behavior to hurt me.

The amusing part of this though, is that the toen of the email was very condescending and trying to treat me like a child, including the 'until you can show me you can try to get along with WB' blah blah.. Like I owe him, or her anything resembling getting along with him at this point. Unfortunately what she isn't considering is that my son would likely much rather have his dad there at his birthday party than for him to miss it. Once again, DS and I are made to suffer the consequences of her poor choices and decisions. This will be key in proving her intent to alienate me from my son.. I think I can establish a clear pattern of behavior with this in black and white from several denials of extra time with him, the cutting off of DSD from not only me but her family, and now this.I think it will bode pretty well for me in the custody fight.

Yes folks.. I'm moving on with my life, I'm not triggering like I did before, which tells me at least that I am disengaging from the emotional attachment to her. I really truly just want this to be over with at this point so that I don't have the constant uncertainty about what tomorrow will bring.

For now though I am going to focus on today, and I have my son this weekend, so I'm going to try to make his birthday weekend very special to him.. guess I need to update my sig to reflect DS 4 now.. he's such my little man.

Oh.. and by the way..

I took him on Wednesday night to that pizza place and DD, my mom, and I had a little party for him there.. and he had a blast.

I'm not going to impose myself on her little party.. she's told me not to come and I won't.

Instead I got to celebrate his birthday on his birthday.. and celebrated with him and his friends at daycare.. all without her. We're going to make a whole weekend out of it too.. so I honestly think DS and I are getting the better end of this together.

James,

Why would you want to attend an event where WB will be there? What would it prove? Why do you CARE about 'getting along' with WB? It gets you NOTHING. It gives HER power.

Her un-invite, her email, her telling you that "until you can prove yourself" is pure manipulation and her attempt to MAKE you agree to her new way of life. Why would you want any of that?

You have to face the facts that if you want to share Special Events in DS's life, then YOU create them in YOUR life with him. You aren't going to be able to SHARE them with your W as long as she is a WW.

In November, my DD had 2 parties. One with me. One with Drac. I HATED it, oh yes, I HATED it. It was Drac's choices that put us in the situation of it having to be that way and it tore me up. But it wasn't about ME. It was about DD. I didn't like it for her either. Of course I know that it would be best for her to have 1 party with her Family in tact, but the fact that Drac is still Drac and not my H is just that. It's a fact to be faced and dealt with.

You continue to read my struggles,,,I KNOW it's not easy. But man, please stop allowing her the control. Take your life and your future back into YOUR hands. She only gets to have the amount of control that you GIVE her. Sure, the courts have influence on that, but if you continue to sit there with your hands in the air, nothing good will come of it.

There are 2 sides to every story. It's your job to make sure YOUR side of the story is out there. Shout it from the rooftops. No matter what you do at this point, do you see HER actions being any worse? Really?