I never doubted your motive. It seems clear to me that your motive is pure. I'm not sure if we ever disagreed in the past but if we did it must have been handled with class and respect because I sure didn't notice it.



I hope you reach your intended audience and I really mean that.

EVERY formally wayward spouse started off as a wayward spouse. EVERY SINGLE ONE. From my perspective, there is no single greater pleasure in these forums than witnessing that transformation. It can’t happen to those that come here and are then promptly chased off simply because they fail to IMMEDIATELY accept a good old fashion beating, who would? I’m here with the hope that I can help these folks just as much as I am the betrayed yet it seems to me that it is with the wayward where the greatest opportunities lie and the greatest opportunities are squandered.

Ace, have you ever used a cross word with anyone? Not that I’ve read. Yet your contribution here is significant.

Mr. G

Thanks, Mr. G. I have been a bit paranoid that I may have inadvertently stepped on your toes when you created a new thread for Lindy on JFO and I moved it to GQII when she wanted to find Lousygolfer.

I was also expecting some sort of feedback when I moved your conversation with doingfine from the recovery fun thread to her own GQII thread, but listed your name in the title.

I'm paranoid by nature and like to nip conflict in the bud before it develops into something needing to be avoided. (My H WAS a major conflict avoider but we are now able to meet on common ground.....usually.)

When you mentioned some folks needed to apologize, I jumped at the chance to do so, IF I had offended you in any way.

I'm sure I've offended many posters on these forums without saying "one cross word". Especially if you count 'gaslighting' which I am finally learning about. My H and I were both expert 'gaslighters' and it lead in part to many of the behaviors that resulted in our detachment, my search for a justifiable reason to end our M, and ultimately H's affair and my choice to try to recover instead. (On D-Day #1, my husband had said he would agree to a D, but DS25 tearfully begged us to 'not give up but to fight for our family'.)

So now we are fighting as hard as we can ("with", not "at" each other) and I am grateful for MB or we would not have made it these 10 months.

Which brings me to why I am here.

Briefly:

1) To learn
2) To build strength
3) To gain confidence that I have something to share with others.
4) To welcome and/or bump threads of newbies letting them know someone cares.
5) To gain knowledge and experience so I will instinctly know what to say to help fearful newbies like I was a few months ago.

When greeting newbies, I often formulate what I might say and then watch what the MB vets say to see how often I am correct.....occasionally I will say what I think and wait for the 2x4s to come. That's how I learn. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

These are the brief reasons, but more details are on my Smiles and Trials thread so I don't TJ this one.

Thanks,

Ace

Hey Ace - I really like you're #4... hope you don't mind, but I'm going to add that to my list! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

******RIF's Reasons for Being Here******

My reasons for being here on MB are to:

* Give people hope that you CAN rebuild your M.
* Share what Mrs. RIF and I have learned while rebuilding our M.
* Help people that are dealing with an A (especially military families)
* To welcome and/or bump threads of newbies letting them know someone cares.
* Keep Idiotville on the front page during the night-shift! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

Semper Fi,

RIF

RIF, I am honored. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Steal away...hope it helps more people.

Since I can't post during the day, I'm really limited in being able to meet and greet. Now I can't even lurk since the IT police noticed how often MB came up on my work screen and stuck a censored pop-up directing me to contact the ES director.

So I'm layin' low.....counting on posters like you to carry on with Newbies. Oh, and RIF....... glad you're here, too..... especially on Mark's Fishing thread (Recreation) and the 50 Something thread (Recovery).

Thanks for this thread, Orchid.

Ace

P.S. Kiwij/Jen.....check out RIF's I-Ville post on the Fishing Thread, too. You'll be intrigued in light of our 'fun thread' debates <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Orchid,

Your question is one that I ask myself occasionally when I feel I’m losing focus.

I’m here because this to me is a support group for people that:

1. have had adultery/infidelity infect their M or R,
2. are trying to stop a WS from the selfishly wrecking actions that are synonymous with adultery,
3. to give back that compassionate 2x4 caring that was expressed to me when I arrived here in the summer of 2005,
4. to help me find balance with issues that I still face to this day in dealing with the ramifying effects of the entire disaster that occurred in our M,
5. and sometimes I have fun corresponding on a public forum with some of the most dry senses of humor that walk the planet.

Of course, there are some of us that have found this place BEFORE an A had a chance to fester in their M. That’s a double dipper as far as I’m concerned.

Most of the results that I have experience here are positive and promote marriage pro philosophy.

I cherish the time and effort that utter strangers have offered me in support during some very black days.

And honestly, these days I’m fairly preoccupied with my time here being the support of people using the MB plan. I find myself less and less offering my opinions on weather they should try to save their M or not.

There were countless souls that could have told me to “ditch the bit__” when I was going through ****** on Earth, but they respected my decision to fight, and that’s why I try to honor theirs.

Some of us have been successful, and some haven’t at saving their marriages. It’s the fight that is the important thing IMO. The saving is a great big bonus.

Once sprung into this area of the unknown to me, I slowly discovered a COMPLETELY different way of thinking that has been positively weighted in my life.

I'm new here I'm a BS. I'm learning. I'm trying to follow MB and unfortunately mess that up on occassion. I would like to THANK EACH and EVERYONE of you for being here for us newbies. A place we NEVER thought we'd have to be. The support and even the criticism for me is welcome. I hope that as H&I go thru our rebuilding process I will have learned enough to return the favor of support and wisedom to others that find themselves here too.

What am I here?

When I first discovered MB, nearly 15 months post d-day, I was really in distress. My FWH seemed to be doing fine and I was really suffering. His apparent ability to move on while I was still hurting so badly, mostly in silence, made me feel like there was something really wrong with me. It also made me resent him in some ways.

I was constantly obsessing on the OW, on the anniversary of the dates they spent together, and triggers at every turn. At that point, we had reached the point where any affair talk ended up in huge fights. I really had no one to talk to about what had happened because I was so embarrassed that FWH had been unfaithful to me. I didn’t know what to do, but did know that I could not continue to live with FWH as things were.

MB provided me with that outlet and with the understanding that what I was feeling was completely normal, and that I was not alone. That alone was very helpful, but still, we failed to take seriously the MB principles that would ultimately lead us to recover our marriage.

We bought the books, read them, and then failed to apply the knowledge we had gained. It was only when we started the marriage coaching that we were able to gain the focus and accurately apply the concepts into our marriage, that we were finally, after more than 3 ½ years, find recovery.

I lurked and posted throughout our journey and stay now because I still feel a comradery with many folks here. Beyond that, I feel and hope that due to the length of our struggle to recover, I might be able to convince someone who is similarly struggling to stick with it.

Who

I came here to save my M, when that sank I found MB simply saved me... I stay to let people know I am recovering ok, to touch base with my adoped family... And maybe someday I can lend a hand. My M failed but I didn't fail. My M sank but I survived. Maybe someday I can help someone else... not all M will survive but mayne i can let them know they will survive this

Jim

Orchid,

I came here a total mess, in denial of my reality. I have comed to learn I didn't know much about how to create a successful marriage for 20 plus years. I also came to learn how to create this in our M, w/o a lot of direct support from FWH. I continue to come to learn and to grow, to try to understand my self, my FWH and the circumstances arounde the A as well as how to move past it successfully. By helping others, I help myself overcome this BS.

I try to help where I think I can. I hope to give more to make deposits in the MB's bank! I took a lot of withdrawels!

Skimming over posts that don't resonate or are not helpful is the best method to not be drawn into other's drama when it is negative.

Thanks for this post

I came here in November 2006 because my wife wanted to leave me. I read a lot , got some good advice, kept my wits about me through some dark times, and found that an affair was going on.

I've grown a lot in the time I have been here, and made some friends along the way who have been both a great help and inspiration. I am better for it, and I still hold on to the hope that my marriage will be better for it one day.

In the meantime, I am here for three reasons:

1. I hope my story inspires others.
2. I hope my words of encouragement will help others.
3. I still need advice on my own journey.

I'm here because I know how it felt to go through the HE!! of the affair and subsequent recovery without any support at all. My family couldn't understand why I fought so hard to save my marriage. No one understood when I LISTENED to what my (at the time) WW had to say, and used it to actually fix the things that were wrong in my marriage. No one understood my plan...which turned out to be remarkably like marriagebuilders.

So now I post advice. I try to be here for others who don't have that support. I try to give specific, action-based advice to people who need it.

I try to understand what the other poster (be it BS, WS, whatever) is going through, see things through their eyes (it doesn't matter if what they're feeling 'makes sense'...its still what they're feeling)...and give them some of that action-based advice. Make sure that they realize that they NEED a plan to get to where they're going.

That's all there is to it.

I'm here as a testament of just how ugly a fogged out spouse can get towards you.

Sometimes they WILL go as far to kill you to cover up their affair.

I thought I could save my toxic wastedump of a marriage, but instead gained the tools to stay alive and rebuild my life for the better.

1. I am here because my WH had an affair.
2. I am here because I needed a safe place to go to vent, to cry, to get advice & to learn how to listen to my WH & see what the problems were in our marriage.
3. I am here to learn a way to make a better life & marriage.
4. I am here to learn from others here who have been in my shoes.

No one should get all up in the air because of what someone else says. Everyone has a right to their own opinion & their own feelings. I haven't always agreed with what some posters here tell me I should do. Doesn't mean I don't like them. Sometimes God hits you over the head with a pine tree & he uses the mouths of others to get his point across. I have gotten good advice here. I have gotten advice I didn't want to take. I hope I haven't made anyone mad with my replies. I try to be respectful whenever I post.

IMHO, this is a place of safety & learning for those who are going through he[[ because of an A, be it one or many in the marriage. This is a place for people like me to get things off their mind before they run their mouth to their WS & ruin their chances at recovering their M.

Thank you to those of you who showed me ways to get my point across without LBing, even if in my stubbornness I didn't alway listen. Thank you for those of you who had a different opinion of how I should handle things, from your own sitch & POV.

This is not a place to use AO at other posters because you don't like what they say. I'm eternally grateful for everyone here. Because in my threads, especially the one I started for my WH, something said made he & I think, something said made the fog lift from him. It could have been a 2X4 for him or for me. Who knows. I just know that something here made the light go on in his wayward head.

Because I'm going through one of the most painful experiences in my life so far and have found nowhere else to read about and interact with people that have successfully rebuilt their marriage after discovering infidelity.

I also hope to help others avoid the mistakes I've made as I've tried to apply the MB principles.

Thanks to all who continue to help me.

An interesting question ! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

I've pretty much left now but I still look in sometimes. My hat is off to the "Orchids" of this place who make it a duty of each day to help out here. That humbles me, and one day I might be able to do so myself. For now its time to live the good life I wrestled the very devil to gain.

Hope that answers the question Orchid !

To all who have posted and read thus far,

A big Mahalo! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Your posts are encouraging and bring light to the many who are at the beginning or in the frustrating middle of this journey. It may not have been one we choose or wanted but it is one we are and will survive. Please continue to share when you can. Many more are grateful than you will ever know. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

To those who are reading..... realize that these are voluntary posters whose posts are often filled with supportive thoughts and ideas. They can be a bit off the wall in concept but for many of us, they worked while we were dealing with the weird A world.

Remember why you are here. It is guide you in your posts, questions and responses. It will keep you focused so you are a help to yourself and others.

The simple act of posting can be therapeutic for many. It was and is for me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Today is 9/11/07. It is a time of rememberance for many. The message from those who have been through the worst is to move forward making their lives better which in turn serves as a respectful memory to those who tragically suffered through this horrible time.

I recall even back then, some of the 9/11 sufferers also had to deal with that tragedy along with the A. A few were in the local police and I believe even firefighters from that area. There were BS and WS dealing with this issues while all that was going on. It was a difficult time.

One of the greatest defeats for those who thought their acts of violence would beget them a good spot with their god, was when the survivors showed themselves to be better than those bullies.

It runs along the same pattern of the BS and recovered spouses (Xws' turned back to spouse - <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> ), the bullies of the A (WS & OP) don't win. Why? Because there was never a contest between a family and an affair. Families win hands down each time. A's never win. NEVER! At their best it is a facade. Just like the terrorists, they will NEVER be happy or productive (in a good way), NEVER! Why? Because their own twisted minds prevent them from doing what is good.

It is important we keep focused so that we may never succumb to that kind of selfish attitude. It is toxic and destructive. It s/b our personal aim to destroy or nip in the bud anything or anyone who manifests that type of attitude. Not the person, the attitude.

Aloha,
L.