Well, it has been almost 3 weeks since my STBXH asked for a divorce.

I am doing okay, day by day. I have my ups and downs. It is still so hard to believe everything is moving so fast. I was served on Thursday, and was shocked to see what he filed under...

Irreconcileable differences AND EXTREME CRUELTY!!!!

Uh, Excuse me??????

I just can't get over the fact that EXTREME CRUELTY was put in there. I have been through so much with this man. We have been married for 13 years and in those 13 years he tried to leave 2 other times. The first time was 2 years after we were married. I was pregnant with our eldest son. The 2nd time, he was having an EA with an ex from HS. And now this. He is a 33 year old man suffering from depression, and blames the marriage for a big portion of it.

Now that a few weeks have passed, I have really been analyzing everything...I have been in visits with our counselors (a psychologist and a behaviorist) and both of them said that I can't force him to stay here with me, no matter how hard I try. My boys are so upset, but to be honest, I have been walking around on eggshels for a very long time. I think back and remember how much hurt I have been through...All I wanted was for us to make things work...all I wanted was to be cherished and honored. But, He just couldn't do it. As he said himself, "I don't love you! I haven't loved you for a long time."

Those words were so hard to hear. How could we go from where we started to where we are now? How could we have let our problems consume us so much to the point that he felt he had to walk out. He admited he just gives up. No more. He is just done.

I am hurt, but I know I will get through this...I don't wish this on anyone at all. I will keep posting on how things are going. Day by Day is all I can do right now....

Please continue to pray for me and for my children....and...For him as well.

~*WoF*~

WOF, I am so sorry to hear of your troubles. So many of the words, thoughts and emotions ring so dear and yet as you said, I would not wish them on any one.

Sometimes I feel like I'm just along for the ride. I sincerely hope it goes better for you than it has gone for me.

He's saying that he can't be what you want him to be and he's going to just "walk" to prevent ongoing arguments. There's much debate on what a Christian wife is to do if married to a non-Christian or someone who isn't living up to Biblical expectations. We are told that divorce is wrong, and the shrinks are right, you can't force him to stay. And if what you are doing isn't working it might be time to actually give him the space he's asking for. You signed the papers now try to leave him alone for awhile. He made his choice and you can let him LIVE WITH IT. Read Dr Dobson's Tough Love book, I think there's some valid points to his strategy, he says if someone wants to leave like this, let them go, try to disassociate so they are stuck with themselves alone and can't BLAME another for their own problems. I can tell you personally it works, after I left my husband I had to live with MYSELF. It was easy to say it was his fault that I was so tempermental, well guess what, I'm still moody and as a single mom for three years now I know I blamed a lot on him that was ME. If your husband suffers from depression, and you leave him alone to live with the consequences of his decision, it won't take him long to LIVE WITH HIMSELF. This might wake him up to the point that he'll work on the marriage again, it might not. He might just run off with someone else rather then looking at himself, that's the "easy" way, supported in our shallow society. Then it won't be until he's remarried, repeating the same issues, that he'll look back and regret. Sorry.

This was posted on another site... there might be some wisdom here for you...

LET IT GO
>
> There are people who can walk away from you. And hear me when I
> Tell you this! When people can walk away from you... let them walk.
>
> I don't want you to try to talk another person into staying with
> you, into loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see
> you,
> staying attached to you. I mean hang up the phone.
>
> When people can walk away from you let them walk. Your destiny is
> never tied to anybody that left.
>
> The Bible said that, they came out from us that it might be made
> manifest that they were not for us. For had they been of us, no
> doubt they would have continued with us. (1st John 2:19)
>
> People leave you because they are not joined to you. And if they
> are not joined to you, you can't make them stay... Let them go.
>
> And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person it just means that
> Their part in the story is over. And you've got to know when
people's
> part in your story is over so that you don't keep trying to raise
the
> dead.
>
> You've got to know when it's dead.
>
> You've got to know when it's over. Let me tell you something.
> I've got the gift of good-bye. It's the tenth spiritual gift, I
> believe in good-bye. It's not that I'm hateful, it's that I'm
> faithful, and I know whatever God means for me to have He'll give it
> to me. And if it takes too much sweat I don't need it. Stop begging
> people to stay... Let them go!!
>
> If you are holding on to something that doesn't belong to you and
> Was never intended for your life, then you need to... LET IT GO!!!
>
> If you are holding on to past hurts and pains... LET IT GO!!!
>
> If someone can't treat you right, love you back, and see your
> worth... LET IT GO!!!
>
> If someone has angered you... LET IT GO!!!
> If you are holding on to some thoughts of evil and revenge... LET
> IT GO!!!
>
> If you are involved in a wrong relationship or addiction... LET IT
> GO!!!
>
> If you are holding on to a job that no longer meets your needs or
> talents... LET IT GO!!!
>
> If you have a bad attitude... LET IT GO!!!
>
> If you keep judging others to make yourself feel better... LET IT
> GO!!!
>
> If you're stuck in the past and God is trying to take you to a new
> Level in Him... LET IT GO!!!
>
> If you are struggling with the healing of a broken relationship...
> LET IT GO!!!
>
> If you keep trying to help someone who won't even try to help
> themselves... LET IT GO!!!
>
> If you're feeling depressed and stressed... LET IT GO!!!
>
> If there is a particular situation that you are so used to handling
> yourself and God is saying "Take your hands off of it," then you
> need to... LET IT GO!!!
>
> Let the past be the past. Forget the former things. GOD is doing
> a new thing!!!
>
> LET IT GO!!!
>
> Get Right or Get Left... think about it, and then... LET IT GO!!!
>
> "The Battle is the Lord's!"
>
> By T. D. Jakes

I will be praying for you. I went through the same thing. My ex had multiple addiction problems.

When it came to the end, he filed exteme cruelty on me as well. It angered and hurt so much. I had 26 years of abuse and he claimed cruelty. One of his reasons.....I kept him up at night....because I was crying because he beat me..or because I had found out another instance of his continued affair.

I learned not to let it bother me because I was too busy working on healing myself.

work on yourself and your kids.In NJ there is a great program for displaced homemakers. They offered separation/divorce emotional health courses..IT WAS GREAT!!!! I also took their financial workshop to learn to handle everything on my own.

Take care, I know this is a difficult time for you and it seems like it wont ever get better, but it will. God will work it all out. You just have to let him.

Smiles,
Dawn

H2- Thank you for that wonderful post...extremely enlighting...

WoF- you will be in my thoughts and prayers...right along with your boys! Keep your head up!