I've been sad and lonely in my marriage for 10 yrs. I tried to do everything I could think of to make him happy and love me more. I started confronting my husband 5 years ago about my wants and needs. Things did not get better. I asked for a seperation 1 yr ago and told him I am not in love with him anymore. He said no, he would change, we could fix things. I asked for a divorce 6 months after that because I didn't see much change in him or my feelings for him. He said no and we went to counseling. The counseling helped me understand myself better and talk to him better, but it did not bring any feelings back for him. I had an affair during this time. He found out about the affair and agreed to give me a divorce. Two days later he asked me to stay again so I agreed to try some more. I'm tired of trying. I don't have any feelings left for him. I'm reading these books, but I don't enjoy most of our discussions. I feel like he is guilting me into staying for his own selfish reasons. How do I know when enough is enough?

Not to be critical, but having an affair certainly wasn't the answer especially during counseling when you were supposedly "trying." No one can "make you stay" and if you really feel you need to try separation, rather then constant threats, go do what you "need to do." Some people stay together because they made a commitment to their marriage partner, feelings come and go, there are peaks and valleys in any marriage. Is your husband reading the Harley books to? You say he's not meeting your needs, are you meeting his? If you are going to make your marriage work you can't run around having affairs, you can't have one foot in the door and one foot out, you have to make a commitment to REALLY trying to work this out. Are you even sorry about your affair? Those of us who've been cheated on know the pain and suffering affairs cause. Perhaps you can start with an apology, and looking at yourself. There's no perfect marriage out there, while the grass might be greener on the other side I think you'll find separation/divorce a rude awakening. If you post on the emotional needs part of this site, you can give details of your problems and get some better advice then here on the divorce part.

Seems like you have already decided enough is enough. You even went as far as to have an affair, which is about as detached as you can come from your husband IMHO. You are just waiting for him to give you his approval for a D. Why is that? You want it, so go do it.

nofeeling, I am curious when you met the OM? How long was the A going on before you decided you wanted a D? It is very typical of waywards to rewrite their marital history so I have my doubts about your feeling "sad and lonely" in your marriage for 10 years.

Have you tried going completely NC (no contact) with your OM and really giving your M one last try? You cannot do so while in contact with your affair partner.

I do see it as a good sign that you are here on a sight called Marriage Builders. Read the site carefully and fully familiarize yourself with Harley's methods for a good marriage.

Hi NoFeeling,

Welome to MB! Marriage is hard work, but a divorce is even harder and the results are devestating, especially if you have kids.

Regardless of how "bad" you think things are in your M, a divorce will not solve the problems or issues. Many marriages can and do recover after an affair.

I understand what you're saying about not having any "feelings" for your H. There will be many times where you don't "feel" in love... One of the things that I've learned is that Love is not a feeling, it's an action and a committment. I definitely didn't "feel" in love with Mrs. RIF when she was involved in all of her A's... but I chose to stay with her and love her despite her shortcomings.

I think that if you will give your H a chance to meet your emotional needs and will work on trying to meet some of his needs, that you will find that the "in love" feelings will slowly start to return.

Please give this some thought. You might also want to post your thoughts and questions on the General Questions II board as there are more people there that can help you.

Semper Fi,

RIF

I find it improbably to be "sad and lonely" for 10 years in a row, without any form of "happiness." You have the right to feel that way, or any way. But feelings come and go, and feelings tend to paint reality differently.


Sometimes what one thinks is what is needed by the other person, is that what the other person needs. We often give what we think they need, when it fact, it is what we need from them.


Sometimes doing things alone works, but sometimes it completely misses the mark. There are many marriage counselors that are available and referred by health insurances. These counselors do offer tools for the couple to find solutions.


Do you feel remorse about the A? Are you still in the fog of the A? Do you know about such thing as fog? Was there any No Contact? Was the A revealed to everyone?


Maybe he needs to find out for himself what he really wants.

NF,

In what way(s)- exactly - did you "try"?

Are you still in the affair?

If your husband has been going to counseling, doesn't want the marriage to end and is willing to, or has changed...what's the problem?

I can only assume that your husband still loves you and is willing to work things out - despite your affair. Do NOT discount the significance of his commitment to you - it is not easily found in this throwaway world...

I forget who it is, but someone on this board has the following great quote in their signature...it's wise...

"The key to having a successful marriage isn't finding the right person, it's BEING the right person"