My wife's brief affair was exposed a couple of months ago. We have agreed to reconcile. The past couple of months have been rough. I want us to start marriage coaching over the phone with Jennifer. However, my wife is very skeptical about it all. She's not outright hostile. She just doesn't believe it can work. She really thinks relationships are all about instinct and just doing what feels right. (Obviously, this is a pretty immature outlook.) My wife is afraid that both of us will never be able to get over the affair (my anger and pain; her guilt). She also says she feels enormous pressure for us to succeed at reconciling.

To me, when I read the basic concepts and various books, it all makes sense. I look forward to putting all of the concepts to work rebuilding my marriage. But, my wife thinks it is all very cold and analytical.

Can anyone give some concrete examples of how marriage coaching helped them? I'd like to be able to present these stories to my wife.

WS & I met with Steve for 1 session. He was in the fog but agreed to meet with Steve. He claimed he didn't like Steve but WS hogged up most of our session. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

So expect your Xws t/b skeptical.

Read SAA & HNHN. Take the EN questionnaire and then talk about meeting with Jennifer. She is worth every penny.... and then some. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

L.

Been There, Done That.

We've never seen a MB coach, but 2 years' later, my FWW is still here...

I think that coach would be the preferred choice, but "forcing" your FWW to attend is likely not going to work. The great thing is that the MB concepts are very easy to understand - there's nothing stopping you from putting them into practice and "leading by example"...

That is a freeloaders mentality. She only wants to do what comes naturally and is not willing to do any thing to maintain the marriage. That is like freeloading in a house and doing nothing to maintain the house. Pretty soon the house falls apart. check out the book, Buyers, Renters, and Freeloaders by Willard Harley:

Freeloader is unwilling to put much effort into the care of his or her partner in a romantic relationship. He or she does only what comes naturally and expects only what comes naturally. It's like a person who tries to live in a house without paying rent or doing anything to improve it unless the person is in the mood to do so.

Renter is willing to provide limited care as long as it's in his or her best interest. The romantic relationship is considered tentative, so the care is viewed as short-term. It's like a person who rents a house and is willing to stay as long as the conditions seem fair, or until he or she finds something better. The person is willing to pay reasonable rent and keep the house clean but is not willing to make repairs or improvements. It's the landlord's job to keep the place attractive enough for the renter to stay and continue paying rent.

Buyer is willing to demonstrate an extraordinary sense of care by making permanent changes in his or her own behavior and lifestyle to make the romantic relationship mutually fulfilling. Solutions to problems are long-term solutions and must work well for both partners because the romantic relationship is viewed as exclusive and permanent. It's like a person who buys a house for life with a willingness to make repairs that accomodate changing needs, painting the walls, installing new carper, replacing the roof, and even doinf some remodeling so that it can be comfortable and useful.


She is probably correct given her reluctance to do anything to get over the affair. Do nothing, avail nothing. Its real simple. Hers is a self fulfilling prophecy. If she doesn't make changes,ie: affair proof the marriage and commit herself to CARING for you, y'all WON'T get over it. You can't grow a garden unless you plant some seeds and grab a hoe. Gardens don't happen by magic and neither do good marriages.

I would let her read this article about forgiveness and what it will take to gain your forgiveness. In order to recover your marriage, there needs to be JUST COMPENSATION: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5042_qa.html

An article about the success of phone counseling: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7200_phone.html

Your wife has the same attitude about MC as my WXH did:

"If it ain't broke why fix it" AND if it IS broke why not just go find a new romance someplace else?

Basically this is laziness IMHO.

I read somewhere that marriage is like bread: you have to get up and bake it every morning.

Unfortunately some folks would rather go stand in a bread line for free bread than actually have to make (or earn) their own bread.