First i would like to say im not knew to MB I have been on for sometime, I've posted and read my butt off.

My divorce was final july 09, 2007 and let me tell you I have come along way however im still sad and I still love my walk away wife. I do believe she is in an active relationship which is the one I discovered during our recovery and i finally could not stay in the house any longer to keep my own sanity.

I'm really lonley and sad. I continue to hang on to hope that one day my wife will return not this alien. This has been going on since feburury of 2005. I'm exhausted mentally and physically. M WW still attempts to control me even outside of this marriage by telling me what to do with our 4yr old daughter.

WW still wants her cake and eat it too. I'm currently living with my sister and she has been great however she has her own family to tend too. I'm getting ready to move to an apartment on sept 15 or sept 30. My divorce has cost me around 8500 dollars and I came out with joint legal and physicall custody. this divorce has deystroyed me financially. I'm in debt to my ears.

I get my daughter 3 days a week and pay 300 dollars a month in child support which I gave into. I sould be paying only 75 to 150 per friend of the court but I could no longer continue court due to the fact it was killing me inside. I did fight my butt off.

My ex continues to tell me on what and how to do it. She did not allow me to take my daughter on my scheduled parenting time because I had to work one of the days which i had my sister lined up to watch her and she told me that our daughter should always be with a parent, see I work afternoons and every day I have off is during my parenting time except one of them every other saturday. she refused me to take her and after I left she told me on the phone i could of taken her which was not true she continues to play games and continuse to stay in my head.

My exww works days and it was ok for our daughter to sit at a sitters while she worked for her 8 hour shift but not for my one 8 hour shift every other saturday. I cant take it anymore. She sends me text messages asking me how she is even after having her for 6 days in a row and if I don't answer she gets pissed and threatens me by wanting to go back to court and wanting full custody. My ex wife has had 5 affairs that I know of since this begun and who knows if not more i finally gave up on the investigation when i found out about the last one that begun back in june or sometime after we got back together. I found out by text mesasages on her phone and her behavior was the same.

When we got back together in june of 07 she started to go to college I asked her dont you think this is bad timeing to go to school when we are trying to put our marriage back together and she replied oh I see you don't support me i knew you wouldnt and you're jealous. I said no I just think our marriage is a priorty.

My ex had an apartment when we got back together and she signed a 1 yr lease in july and I had the house i told her we cant afford both and my finances are out of control her reply not my problem but continue to ask me for money to help with our daughter groceries etc.. i did it thinking it was the right thing to do.

I'm tired i will post later i need some support some responses would be great thanks...

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ME38
W27
D3
Married 4yrs
together 7 1/2 yrs
DDay 01-01-05
divorced 07-09-07

Let me see, I took my daughter to school and exwife text me to find out how her morning went and asked me about something that was missing from the basement which I have no clue. I gave in and told her "she's great"

One thing I can say is during this whole ordeal I was never able to go completely dark from her. She has always managed away to suck me back in and still does.

The other thing that really troubles me is how she has made it like im the one who cheated and everything is my fault. Exwife continues this type of behavior towards me all the time. It drives me crazy. Yes if I was the one that cheated then yes I would understand and face my cosiquences...Something that she has never seemed to have done. she is constantly putting me down because I wont give her extra money for our daughter to go places like water park and disney. Ex wife says i should help pay for these events in her life and this about our daughter not us.

I can say this I would of done all those things if we were still together if im wrong then someone tell me. I told ex these are her choices not mine we are Divorced. She continues to tell me Im going to tell her why she can't go etc.. because daddy wont pay... Ex tells me she does everything with her I need to take her more places... Look I love my daughter and i will do anything for her. I take her to the park fishing, bike riding, wrestle with her etc... I didnt know everything I do with her has to cost money... I'm broke from all of this, my ex and I make around the same amount per year.

There are days I wish I never met her and days I miss her so bad not this evil person but my wife who was so good to me at one time. I don't know this person at all.

The roller coaster ride continues to this day, its not as severe but some days are bad. I know time heals all wounds but these wounds are deep and the way she treats me they continue to bleed.

I have done alot of MB principals and she just got worst when I found out about the affairs she came unglued and blamed me in every way possible. Like being married to you anyone would cheat etc... My wife and daughter where my priority yes life with a child slows down I understood it I dont think she did.

If you read my origanl post I did a couple of yrs ago you would understand more. My past has created my present situation...

I hang onto hope somedays and others I know there is none. I'm currently on an antidepressent and thank god for that because if I wasn't I have know clue wher I would be.

I do great with my daughter and she is having her own emotions with this like I believe she has seperation anxiety for instance when she is with me I can't be out of her site for one second... the ex is always saying I dump her off when I have her. I dont all my days off are with her because I work afternoons only one day she has to be left with my sister. I reasure my daughter all the time. See my ex is always accusing me of all this nonesense when all it is a reflection of her self and thats been proven during my investigative days.

I would just like to get some support and if anyone else is dealing with all this also. thanks.

Have you been to an individual counselor? I ask because the main issue that I see is that you have no boundaries with your ex-wife, or if you do then you don't enforce them.

She cannot MAKE you do anything. She can only guilt you into doing things if you ALLOW it. Take back your life and take the control away from her. She's not your wife anymore. She doesn't get to tell you what to do anymore.

You have the right to decide what you do with your daughter during your visitation time...including who you leave your child with during your time. Stand up for yourself...

cathyso1, I agree with you 100% however she is one heck of a manipulator and has always guilt me into doing things.

I do stand up for myself all the time now and that just seems to make things worst with her. for instance I did not answer the phone for her at all yesterday and she called me about 10 times leaving me 2 voice mails and text me about 5 times. I answered the one text which aske how our daughter was and my response was "great" however she texted me again and I didn't answer. 1 voice mail was about something to do with work equipment and I have no clue or responsinility with it so I never answered and she went on to say I don't know why u donn't answer.

The call i did anwer was around 7:45 pm i thought it was my daughter calling and it was the ex and she started off ok. ex tells me theres a problem I said what is it and she said DD is crying about a friend of mine, her daughter telling me she is crying and she wants to see her and thats when ex began to call me names so I hung up on her. This friends daughter is a women I have known for yrs when she found out I had brought DD over to swim and BBQ a few times the ex demanded to meet her and accused me of having an intimate relationship with her which we did not. So I made the decision to stop bringing my daughter there and now thats her leverage and telling me I'm playing mind games with my daughter. I stopped it because all i get is grief from the ex, but during one of her active affairs while we were married she brought the married man and his daughter around mine and when I told her that is nonsense she gets mad and hangs up. I havent even had a relationship at all since this has happened jan of 05.

The thing that troubles me is I still love her a lot my wife not this person, I dont even know this person. Its like all she does is continue to stay in my head when I pull she comes pulling me back into the game. it is so wearing. I have to believe its over and the ex is never coming back (my wife I married) I did everything a person could do and more than anyone could handle trying to get her back. I'm emotionally and pyhsically tired. I'm having trouble falling asleep it takes me 1 to 2 hours to fall a sleep because my mind races with thoughts. I'm going to go back to counseling it helped me before. I can't get her to stop from getting into my head.

When she came back to me it gave me so much hope and then she pulled the rug out from me and i will tell you this that made it worst of for me. The first time she left I didn't drink I worked out and went about my business this time she left has left me crippled. its because everything she did to me into believing we had a chance. well I have to run and spend some time with my daughter.

There was a lot of information in your post. Cathy is right. Your ex-wife is a controlling fruitcake. First, she can’t withhold the child from you on your days unless you have a “Right of first refusal” where you’d have to offer her your daughter if you were going to be away for a period of time. A couple of hours with your sister does not really qualify.

The next time this happens, tell your ex your daughter will be picked up. Get her picked up. If your wife refuses to release your daughter, go to the police and get it documented. Make sure you have a copy of the custody agreement. You need to start documenting this, as well as put the fear of God into her. There’s a possibility she could be in contempt of court, and would lose her custody if she persists.

Second, you are entitled to parent as you see fit, provided you aren’t abusive or neglectful. If you decide to let your daughter eat her dessert before her dinner, that’s up to you. You could even take your daughter to a PG-13 movie if you wanted to. (Note: for obvious reasons, I don’t recommend this behavior) So, as soon as your ex-wife starts to dictate, interrupt and say “Thank you for your opinion, but I’ve got this under control.” Personally, I think the “Thank you” is important. It’s rather disarming, plus it makes it clear you’re not going to get sucked into a dance where you have to defend yourself.

Third, I think you need to accept that this alien may actually be the real woman you married. It’s been two years, and she hasn’t changed back. Maybe the wonderful person you fell in love with was just a façade, a lovely mirage. If you stay so focused on your ex, you’ll miss the world that’s opening up around you. (And honestly, would you really want to spend the rest of your life with a woman who is so manipulative and controlling and downright bossy?)

What kind of world could possibly be opening up? Well, I don’t know. I do know that once I found the strength to leave my manipulative, controlling, bullying ex, I found strength to do a lot of other things in my life. I changed careers. I fixed up my house. I fixed my finances through some sacrificing (no TV for three years, and no high-speed connection among other items). I found a nice church I like. I made new friends. I learned a new skill.

Does that mean my ex suddenly can’t yank my chain? No. He still tries. Recently, he told me to tell my mother to contact her accountant or tax people about an idea he had. It was nuts. My ex still takes advantage of me sometimes, and I let him if it means extra time with the girls. Recently, he dropped his cat, oh, I mean the girls’ cat that lives at his house, off at mine when he went away. He never even asked! But since I like Siamese kittens, I took care of the cat. If it happens again, I’m looking up on the cat as a gift. LOL. Either that or I’m dropping my cat and dog at his house when I go away.

The loneliness will get better. When you move into your new home, you’ll be really lonely. Find stuff to do. Go out with friends or take up a new hobby. I used to go out to the library, then go to a pub for a glass of wine and some dinner. Just getting out feels good. Develop a routine for when you have your daughter and for when you don’t have your daughter. Routines help a lot.
As for paying for trips and special events for your daughter, that’s fine if you’re taking her or it’s a school trip. I certainly wouldn’t pay so that her mother can take her. That’s ridiculous.

Greengables, thanks for your response. I can tell you this my ex is bossy and manipulative to the point she tells me I'm screwing up our daughter, for instance the other day she complained about my daughter staying with my sister and when I picked her up sunday, I asked my daughter how was her day yesterday she replied good I played with nicole and mom left... see I have know control of what she does and I don't want to know what she does, the point is don't reflect what u do on me...see dhe accuses me of dumping my daughter off so i can go out , I don't I had to work. Second she dunpmed her off on saturday for what ever reason and when i confront her she gets mad and tells me why are you questioning her and why would I lie. My daughter does not know what lieing is and I talked to the ex on saturday when she said she was with her, but when she told me she took her to nicoles her times didn't ad up and my daughter said her mom left while she played...

I know other people had told me that it was a facade and a mirage, but how can someone do that for about 4 yrs wouldn't that wearing. She was a great person and yes there probably was warning signes, I guess my love was strong and I over look them...

I do get out and I do a lot with my daughter, doing all kinds of stuff, I know my girl is 4 but she always wants to go somewhere or by something thats getting a little wearing...my ex says I need to take her more places like ballgames waterparks etc...I always thought it was quality time that mattered, not spending every dime you have, heck I'm broke from this divorce and she knows it.

I know right now I'm focused on all this nonsense when a lot of times I remember the good times. Yesterday I talked to my ex and asked how our daughter was and what she was doing I told her eating dinner with her cousins, my ex told me she remembers when she would come home and eat with her mom and dad and how impotrtant that is, I reminder her our daughter doesn't have that luxury anymore and she blew a gasket telling me yes she does, My daughter gets to have dinner with her father or mother but not together. I'm sorr thats the truth. I'm not sure why she would even say that. Of course my ex tells me she has to go her stomach hurts another thing she does when the conversation doesn't go her way plays the sick roll or just hangs up....

I do miss my wife not this person I don't know who she is anymore. I do agree I do go out for myself but its hard when you work afternoons and my days off are with my daughter so I have to put something together.

thanks

My dilema is as follows, I work afternoons and my ex knows this, she uses it to her advantage, I think because I have no social life on this shift. So today I get a text if I can take my daughter tomorrow while she's at work (she works days) because she has absoultely no one to watch her.

My Dilema is this I feel as if she does this to monopolize my time and my social life, see if I take her saturday I have to get up early and pick her up by 7:15 am. I get off around 12:00am I could also have the chance to work overtime tonight plus its friday night I can make it to the local watering hole and have some social life.

I feel like this if I take her then her comes ex husband bailing her out again thats all I have done and if I don't take her here comes the your a piss poor Dad etc... and I also will feel bad because I could spend sometime with her, however I might be tired and she just went back to her moms yesterday. Please dont't take me as a selfish person, because I'm not all through this process for the last 2 1/2 yrs I have bailed my ex wife out several times not just with our child but financialy also. its all in my original post. Some responses would be great I'm tired of all this....

Stop focusing on your wife and what she thinks. This is not about her. And who cares what she thinks?

This is one situation where I personally don't have strong boundaries because I want to have my children as much as possible. Therefore, I take them whenever possible. If I were in your shoes, I'd take your daughter if I didnt' have plans. If I had plans, I'd say so.

Greengables, I know you're right about who cares what she tinks, I guess I have been manipulated for so long that I lost my identity ****** I might even be codependent.

I hang on to this small piece of hope that she will return and if I'm there for her she will see what a great man I am and then the other part of me says stop letting this women take advantage of you (doormate) let me find me again and stand up and be a man whether she like sit or not.

The both times we were seperated she would call me and say we don't have a sitter and I would always come up with a solution and get one or take her myself, heck I called into work before. When we were together this past year I worked a 24 hour shift and then 3 days off so guess who was with our daughter me and when we seperated again back in feburury 07 samething I was there. I started afternoons at the end of may... see I'm always bailing her out everyone does and she faces no consequences.

When we reconciled she would not talk about the affaires and I told her we need to be open and honest, I didn't want gory detailes just why it happened and why them, she reused to ever discuss it or have no contact, we worked with these people, I was played and that killed me inside. I'm a victim, however I'm not focused on that to much the thoughts do come in my head but i'm pretty good at stopping them.

She has not faced any consequenses in this situation let alone her whole life someone is always bailing her out. ie parents, friends or me...I have to man up so to speak, I havent answered her text back, she even called me, I didn't answer. I'm tired of being a whipping post, scapegoat I say this because she still blames me for everything.

a part of me does want to take her to help my ex out I want to be there for her because I hang onto a small piece of hope... This sucks.

Well I sent her text back telling her I can't and I have plans. She replied "I figured. thanks for the help again"
She's using the guilt trip on me and yes it works, but she makes it sound like I have never been there and thats all I have is been there. I have only told her no once before in this long gruiling 2 1/2 yrs of emouional pain...

I feel bad for not being there for her...codependency, I don't want to be like this anymore, she made her choices when she divorced me I did not want this so now she has to deal with her own issues...

Being a doormat does NOT make you a great man, just a door mat. Find yourself. Figure out what YOU want. Do it. Don't take her into consideration at all while doing this. This will help improve your self esteem and make you stronger for dealing with her.

Tabby1, you're right being a doormate doesnt make a great man and its hard not to think about her, I do know what I want the women who fell in love with me and treated me like a king, see she was so into me and I was into her we were great together at onetime...

I do have say what really has troubled me is how she has treated me through this whole process and still does very mean vindictive and spitful like i'm the one who had the affairs, puts lots of blame on me no matter what. Her first affair was while we were still together EA unknown on PA but knowing who this guys character I'm sure something happened anyways as things went on to seperation she believed it was not an affair with the 2nd one and 3rd and so on see she filed for divorce back in 2005 and she also stated while going through a divorce it wasnt an affair, she doesnt understand marriage. We reconciled and she still had that same attitude like what happened was during seperation and during divorce so it to her it didn't count as an affair. While being together I caught word from someone she was spending alot of time again with someone from work so i investigated and yes it seem to be happening again. Ex also is still mad that I investigated her all the way up to the point of me moving out then I stopped. Ex told me it was wrong to find out what she was doing and not normal behavior and of course I was the physco stalker she still throws this in my face to this day. Is it because she got caught? If she only knew, I dont have a lot, but what i did get was enough and the other thing is to this day she wants to know how I found out. I've been accused of breaking into our home while seperated etc... I can tell you this I never showed up to any place she has gone heck I dont even know where she has been, but anyways this is what I deal with all the time. She has told me she hates me and wishes me dead many many times. I'm not sure why she continues to make me the bad guy when I didn't go outside of my marriage to this day I haven't but its time to get out there. Its like she has anger issues.

Well thanks for the respnses and I would like to keep them coming.