WH has the divorce application ready and wants me to sign it so he can file it this week. Here are some of the issues:

1) In this province, you have to wait a year after separation to get a divorce. We have an SA that states we separated April 27, 2007. If he files it now, it won't be processed until then anyway. Also, according to my lawyer, the court might dismiss it since it is in too early.

2) The only way to get a divorce faster than a year is if there is adultery or abuse. However, only the spouse who was cheated on (or abused) can file. In other words, me (he can't file for divorce based on his own infidelity). I had no intention to file, mainly because I have no intention to remarry and having a piece of paper stating that I am divorced is of no use to me. I handled all the details of the separation, I figured he could do this part if he wanted it so badly.

3) If I check of the adultery box, it asks for details. I have the opportunity to name OW if I wish. Since he will freely admit the adultery, I don't have to, but I can. My lawyer didn't really recommend it since she will also be served with the papers and given a chance to defend herself - i.e. she can deny it and even sue me for libel. In reality, this will never, ever happen. Even if it did, I have evidence of their affair before the separation so any such lawsuit would go nowhere. Basically, there is ZERO risk to me if I put her name on the form.

4) OW and OWH are currently heating up a custody battle over their daughter. OWH has been extremely helpful to me through this whole process and if there's any way I can help him out, I will. If I name his WW as my OW, it could speak to her character. My lawyer doesn't think it will make much difference wrt custody. Maybe it won't on it's own, but in combination with other things?

So my questions are: Do I make WH wait his year? Do I check the the adultery box and get it over with now? Or do I check the adultery box and name her as the OW? On the one hand, I wasn't mentally or emotionally prepared to be doing this now (I fully expected to wait a year). On the other, if I can help a friend out just by doing something now that's going to happen anyway, shouldn't I do that? And finally, am I even just thinking this way out of bitterness and is this a proper state of mind to make this decision?

What would you do?

I will say this. I was never given the opportunity to check that adultery box. I live in a "no fault" divorce state. It would have made the blow dealt me emotionally by the divorce a little lighter knowing that the entire county would know that my husband committed adultery and with who. That being said your separation was very recent. If you think that waiting that year may give you an opportunity to save your marriage I would wait. Check that box only if you are ready to divorce, don't do it on a cheating spouses terms. You are an equal partner in this.

I don't think there is a chance to save my M. Certainly not within a year. I believe the reason for the hasty divorce is that they are making wedding plans (OW's dd has mentioned this to her dad). WH seems to understand that the process will take a year (from separation), so I'm not entirely sure why he feels he has to do this now. Whatever the reason or whatever I choose to do, I will be divorced eventually.

I hear what you say about the "no fault" divorce situation. Even if I check the box and write down her name, it won't have any real bearing on her life save for whatever shame she might be capable of feeling (which there is no evidence of so far). It's a tempting prospect. Even more so if it has any chance of helping out OWH who got screwed over just as badly, if not worse, than me. I'm waiting for him to talk to his lawyer before I respond to the email.

One scenario I thought of since posting is that WH may not want me to check the box and write down her name (though I have a feeling he won't care). It could stir up another battle. This would be the only case in which the law would be on my side since as the BS, I have the right to file for divorce on my own without his knowledge or consent. The real question is, am I prepared to be divorced? I wish I knew.

And all that said, with the exception of re-marrying, the law recognizes us as separate entities anyway via our SA so I'm agonizing over a stupid piece of paper.

Is there anything I haven't thought of that I should consider while making this decision?

I see it as a karma question. In these cases, I rely on my "common courtesy" theory. As in, what courtesy would you give or how would you treat a stranger.
Theorectically, with children involved, post divorce we should treat the x's as a business partner. If you knew of information which would be beneficial in a business sense, should you share it?

1. If you are doing it out of spite, then it will come back on you somehow.
2. If you are doing this (disclosing) merely as informational, and benefitting OWM, then I personally would consider it. (taking in the comments that you think X won't even care. If he cared, go back to the first statement).


Good luck on your decision.

I put adultery and OM's name on my response to my wife's suit.

It got EVERYTHING out in the open.

While I can't fully deny #1, #2 is still valid. I'm waiting to hear from OWH if disclosing the information on a legal document will help him in any way. He's waiting to hear from his lawyer. If that is the case, I may put it to WH as something I'm willing to do to expediate what he wants. Either he'll agree (because that's what he wants) or he'll refuse (because he really doesn't want either of them to be recognized as official pond scum), in which case we are back to checking the separated box and waiting a year.

Naming OW on my divorce papers will make no difference to OWH's custody case. That said, it would still make me feel better. I managed to put WH off a little more - he called twice Saturday but I was "busy". Sunday I discovered something else he stole from my house since the separation. So today I called him and offered to expediate his divorce by checking the box. I said I wanted a letter from her admitting to the affair to protect myself from future litigation. He FREAKED!!! We had a 7th grade-level argument in which he threatened to call my mom (??!!??).

I asked him what the rush was, pointing out that he would get his divorce in due time with our without my signature. He didn't have a good excuse - said he just wanted to get it over with. We fought again over things I knew he stole from my house and things I suspected. We fought over things he has done that served no other purpose other than to hurt me. At the end, I said I wouldn't sign it now without the adultery box and a letter from her. He was p'd with me but refused to agree to this (even though I pointed out that I could do it with or without his signature).

So for now, I guess I've put him off until the year is up. I did glean from the conversation that he got his information from the clerks at the courthouse, not a lawyer. OW is seeing her lawyer this week for the custody issue with OWH. OWH thinks the rush may be related to that (perhaps he wanted it signed so he could bring the form to him?). I'm not sure. In any event, I'm almost relieved that he(they) is(are) going to see a real lawyer to get real advise. Maybe with a clearer picture of actual legal rights they will stop acting like they are entitled to everything their little hearts desire regardless of what it does to others.

Then again, probably not.

Wish me luck that I don't hear anything until my year is up.

Tabby,
You mentioned provinces. Are you anywhere near Toronto? I'm there for business 4 times over the next 2 months.

Tabby, remind me again... if you want to name him, why don't you counter-sue for divorce and name names?

Meanwhile, you should go through the house with a video recorder and get on tape everying in the house. I'd also let your STBX know you've gotten video tape and if one item is missing, you'll be suing him for theft.

My word, he's being a pain in the tushy.

I am very close to Toronto (I work there). Autumn is a good time to visit here.

WH took a bunch of extra things when he was moving out - nothing major but they had some sentimental value to me. One thing we fought about (Jerry Springer style in the front yard) was a crystal vase we got for our wedding from one of his relatives. It was a frustrating time for me because he would never come to the house when he said he was going to and always managed to be there when he knew I wouldn't be home - to the extent that I had to get friends to stay at my house (my mom was going through open heart surgery at the same time & I had to take her to see various drs in various cities).

Since he has moved his stuff out and taken his name off the house, I've had the locks changed. But that didn't stop him from coming inside once when he was picking up DS. I'd left instructions with DS NOT to let him in but he did. While inside he took 2 eggs. I know - not a big deal - but the eggs belonged to my boarder who had just moved in (I replaced them). I am also certain that he went upstairs and into her room - one of the cats was locked in there when I got home an hour later and she hadn't been there for several hours before hand. She is very careful about keeping the cats out due to her allergies. Just prior to this, he had asked me for the marriage certificate (to fill out divorce forms) and I had removed the box it was in and hidden it elsewhere in the house. I had even considered putting it in her room thinking he wouldn't go in there. Good thing I didn't. He admits to being in the house and he admits to taking the eggs but denies going into her room.

This weekend, I discovered my chainsaw was missing from the shed. The shed is not locked, but there are far more valuable items in there that are still there. He knew I was giving the chainsaw to a friend in exchange for installing crown molding in my dining room. He swears he didn't take it but he's lied about so many other things. I now have a lock for the shed which is unfortunate because my neighbour and I frequently exchange tools (no, he doesn't have the chainsaw either).

Yes, he's being a pain in the tush. And yes, I can fill out my own papers and check whatever box I want. If sufficiently motivated, I might just do it. As it is, I don't NEED a divorce, I'll be getting one anyway (at his expense) and there is no actual effect of having their names on the form other than it might make me feel better (but probably won't).