My WH has been living with the OW for 6 weeks. He has even introduced her to his parents!!!!! We haven't even gone to court for a temperary settlement yet. He has made no attempts to come home or do the right thing. We have 2 kids, 8 and 5. He acts like he wants to see them 'whenever I will let him see them' but never wants them when she is not working--she works 3rd. I am so hurt that his parents agreed to meet her--she too is still married(was for 26 years). Should I just GIVE UP. My feelings for him were so strong, but the longer he is with her the more I am starting to really HATE him. Not to mention that it is really starting to set in what the reality is for my children. He has not had the OW around the kids--in SC its prohibited by law until we are divorced.

"He has not had the OW around the kids--in SC its prohibited by law until we are divorced."

Well, God bless South Carolina.

Have you let the other woman's husband know about the affair?

First and foremost, sorry you find a need to be here.

Second, purchase and read "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Willard Harley.

Third, read all you can here until you have the book. Read about EXPOSURE, the number one way to throw a bucket of cold water on the affair. Read about Plan A, doing all you can to stop the affair, or make it very unsavory for the WS to continue, and about self-improvement; changing those things about you that might have help create a marriage that was vulnerable to an affair.

Read all the threads here you can, as there is good advice in all of them, and you will quickly see how common and predictable a wayward's behavior is, and will continue to be.

Knowledge is power. Arm yourself with reading and learning how to combat this evil that has impacted your life.

Continue posting with questions and for support. This site and MB philosophy works for many people, and may help you save your marriage.

SD

The affair has been EXPOSED to everyone. She left her H and she and my WH are living together in another town. For about 7 weeks now. Everyone knows. I think I'm done. He is lying and saying he has to work when he could be with his kids and then he is with her. They are together ALL the time. He owes his own business and he is barely working at all. I just hope that some day I will be able to recover from this pain. It never stops hurting. I just can't believe that the person that I've been living with for 17 years has done such vile and ugly things. I think he is the devil.

I know how you feel except for the living together part. My WH never would live with OW. The pain gets better with time. I had been married for 23 years when the A happened. After coming here, I can see the things I did that contributed to his decision to cheat. But I am making the changes for me & not him, which makes me happier. For three weeks after I found them together, I couldn't eat or sleep & I lost a lot of weight. If he shows the same behavior as the other WS's here (& he will probably follow the same script they all seem to use), changing things that you need to change & letting him see you can go on with your life will probably make him want to come back. Mine said, 99.9% of the time, word for word what other WS's have said. He read some of the posts & admitted he could have written them himself. He is now working with me toward recovery.

Everyone here knows the pain you're going through. For days, the pain was so great, I could hardly breathe. Once, my WH & I were talking & the pain got so bad I couldn't hold it in. That time, the fog lifted temporarily & he saw the pain I was going through.

Keep coming here, it helps.

My WH has NO intentions of us getting back together. He has told me in no uncertain terms that he has started a new life that doesn't include me and only includes the kids 'when I will let him see them'. I'm sure its over. I saw him and the OW in a sexual act and I don't think I can ever forgive him now. Its just gone too far. Its just HORRIBLE. He's been gone from home for 3 months.

HB,

OK, so have you seen an attorney? Your WH really does sound like the textbook WS right now, but you need a legal support agreement, especially because he is his own boss and isn't working.

Make sure that you and your kids are financially taken care of. Get as much as you can, it will help reality set in more quickly.

Make sure you take care of yourself, and remember that you are not alone.

Who

We go to court next Friday. I'm so lonely. Its just the most horrible thing I've ever experienced. And to be honest I think things happen for a reason and I'm beginning to see that there is no hope for fixing this. After the A was exposed, I found out from others that this wasn't the first time my WH has done this, in fact, I don't know that he was ever faithful to me. And for 17 years, I have honestly had no clue. I feel so stupid and so hurt. I honestly thought he was a good person. I think that I saw them in the sexual act for a reason---to make me see that this is truely over. Now I'm just trying to stay above water and get through the days.

HB,

You are not the first, and won't be the last to feel many of those things. It's so very sad, and my heart goes out to you. You received some great advice: Come here often. Vent, ask questions, don't be afraid to ask for help. It DOES help.

I know where you are right now, we all do. We've all been there. You will hear all of us say the same things you are, have heard from your WS, it's nothing new. It helps to hear that. You know you are growing stronger when you really start to believe that.

It sounds very early in this A, so don't lose hope. Give some thought about what you want to do, and if you want to save your marriage, there are some great people here who can help you.

God bless,

Jay

But at what point is it too late? Should we not come to a point where we say enough is enough? I don't think I could ever trust him again or that I ever want to be married to someone who can be so selfish and vile. Don't you think that sometimes its just easier to start over. I do still love my H but when is enough--enough? He has told this OW that he never really loved me and that is why he had affairs in the past. I feel like he just used me all these years.

First of all.... sit down and do this (don't do this while driving or operating machinery <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />:

1. Put your right hand on your left shoulder
2. Put your left arm on your right shoulder
3. Squeeze

Ok.... there.... you have just received an MB {{hug}} from us. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Now, you do recognize your H is babbling. 3 months is a short time. He is in the fog and reality has had little time to set in.

If you are dealing with a serial cheater, then you need t/d the following:

1. Shore up your finances (WS' are very greedy and expect the OW to want more than the WS- she will want your title and possessions....including what belongs to you and your children).

2. Document this issue including the impact on the children.

3. Get the children into IC as needed.

4. See your doctor for AD's as needed.

5. See about securing the business since that could crash as a result of the A.

6. Do a complete background check on the OW.... yea... everything. Expose.

7. Find out why by getting it directly from In-laws....why it is ok with them to support the A. Yes.... let them know that they are now considered by the WS that they are supporters of adultery. That should go well with them and their neighbors. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> I let OW's neighbors know along with our neighbors. OW lived in a another town. LOL!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

8. Get yourself to a good MC familiar with MB principals. Preferably call Steve Harley @ MB for phone counseling. He is good but you have to read SAA and take the EN questionnaire 1st.

9. Meet with your attorney and secure your home residence and support. Notify him of the A as much as he needs to know. He will let you know what t/d.

10. Post here as needed. Read Love must be tough (by Dobson).

That's the start. Later we can discuss techinques to protect you and your family from the fog and onslaught of the WS' vile spew. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

take care,
L.

hb,

Mine told me he never loved me either. In my case it was his first & so far only A. They will tell you lots of things. Mine told me it was over & to file for divorce. I did file & that very afternoon he called & said it wasn't what he wanted. I dismissed it because I knew in my heart that I was making a mistake. I was told I could never make him happy, he would never love me & never had & I should just let him go. The last time we separated, I sent him a letter doing just that, letting him go. I had accepted the fact he was never coming back to me. One week later, he moved back home. This past Thursday, he read some things on this board, looked at me & said "I just realized how much you love me & I also realize that I love you." So far, the fog is still gone & we are working on building a better marriage.

I know the despair you feel. I felt it, too, as did everyone here. Some of us have had WS that have been gone for a lot longer than 3 months & in the end, they came back home & they are now in recovery.

Just work on you right now. Identify the things that caused problems in your marriage & change that for the better. I did & I feel better about myself. I didn't understand what my WH had been telling me about his EN for 23 years. Now I do because of this place.

Keep coming back. We don't mind if you get mad, whine or cry. We'll listen & help in any way we can.

Hi guys. Thanks for all the good advice. He showed up at my house last night and was worse than ever. I don't think I can ever live with a man who talked to me the way he did last night. He was awful. Everyone knows about the A and he and the OW have moved to another town about 35 minutes away. He has started a brand new life with her. We go to court next Friday and hopefully then he won't be able to demand things from me.

Why did he show up?

Have you changed the locks on the door? You could start with that if you haven't.

Shut him out of your life. Read up on plan B. Any contact with him will affect you badly (this is an understatement)

Why was he treating you badly? Was it abuse? Verbal, mental or physical? Could you get a restraining order on him?

Change those locks. Go to a very dark plan B until the big D.

Could he be treating you badly, so you will hate him, so he will feel less guilty?

Stay strong and protect your babies.

kirk

He was just calling me names--which when we were married and together he never did. We had a really great marriage and now he goes from F-you, F-Bit--, to calling the next day and saying he's sorry he said those things and that I didn't deserve any of this. But he has no intentions of trying to fix us. My attorney doesn't want me to change the locks until after we go to court. The OW left her H of 23 years for them to be together and now even if he ever did want to work on us, I don't think he would ever leave her because he would have to live with ruining her life as well. I guess in his mind it was better to ruin the lives of his wife and children!!! I don't even know who he is anymore. I know that he loves the kids, but I just don't even know if its the best thing for them to be around him. He can't have the kids around her(against the law in SC).

HBinSC,

""My attorney doesn't want me to change the locks until after we go to court. ""

I BEG YOUR PARDON???

So does he just barge right into YOUR house? Does he knock first and wait for you to answer the door?

If you did not want to see/talk to him, and he knocked on the door (and didn't have a key), would you still answer it or just stay put and wait till he went away?

If you were gone would/could he walk right in and take the TV or go on your computer? Make long distance phone calls on your phone?

This man is a stranger to you correct?? Then why let a strange man that verbally abuses you have access to your home?

I am very sure that a plan B does not include access to the home by the WS....if and when you decide to go to plan B.

You need very much to become PRO-ACTIVE concerning this dirt bag. Rebel against being victimized.

Got pepper spray? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

kirk

Good Lord, he has no clue what life is really like without you if he can just waltz in anytime he wants.

If you legally can't change the locks, then when he walks in, you walk out. When he leaves, you come back. You do NOT have to participate in his hateful conversations. Once you have the hearing though, that'd be the 1st on my list of things to do to get to a very dark Plan B.

bump to get HBinSC attention

He sounds like a prototypical WS. A fogged-out zombie, possessed by an alien. Not himself. If he used to be different, he can be that person again. You can have a marriage with him again if you have the stomach to do the work.

If that's what you want, I suggest you follow Orchid's advice: read Surviving an Affair and His Needs, Her Needs. Read about Plan A and Plan B. Schedule an appointment with the Harleys.

And stop lovebusting. If you're like most of us, you have expectations in the aftermath, expectations about the way things should be. They aren't that way. You get angry or hurt, and when you interact with him you're probably lovebusting. I know that I did.

If you want to give up, no one will blame you.

HBSC, I just went back and read your other threads. You will get better advice if you keep to one thread because people will be able to keep up with your situation.


No. Your situation, at least from what I have read, is far from hopeless.

I see that you exposed--that was good. What else did you do? Did you Plan A? Did you consult with the Harleys?

From your subject lines, I can't tell whether you are asking for permission to give up or are frustrated because you aren't getting more help. If you want more help, post more information. Give more details. Like I said, if you want to give up, no one will blame you.