Need some advice about how to proceed. My wife affair with her half-brother was exposed a couple months ago when she was in Mexico for the final processing of her immigration status. During her time in Mexico, our three very young children were with her (4-year old girl, 18-month twin boys). When she and our children returned, she agreed to reconcile. Her primary reason for returning was to ensure our children knew their father. Her brother advocated simply disappearing with my kids and pretending he was the father(!). Thank God, she didn't fall for that.
After she returned, she broke off the relationship with the brother, but continued to remain in contact. This contact has diminished significantly, but is still very much part of her life. I have found this continued contact very painful.
I actually encouraged my wife to return to her lover in Mexico. I reasoned the relationship would collapse on its own. She told me enough about him for me to be pretty confident this would happen. However, I made it clear to my wife that she could never have a relationship with her brother and have our children in her life. Basically, she had to choose a life with her brother or our children. She decided to choose her children. But, as I pointed out, she wanted to keep some kind of relationship with the brother. Also, during this time, she was very depressed about not being with her brother.
I wasn't that familiar with this website earlier this summer and didn't understand the concept of no contact. In the middle of the summer, my wife decided she wanted to join the Navy(!). She'd actually talked about this during the course of our marriage, but it was not possible due to her immigration status. I'd also point out my wife is very young (22 years old). I am much older (41 years old). Since my wife needed to focus on getting an education, I was supportive of her efforts. She succeeded and will be shipping out to boot camp in about ten days. Contact with her during the next two months will be very limited. Immediately thereafter, she will be sent for job training for about another month.
We've decided that after she returns, we'll decide our future. If our marriage were good, I'd look at following her to wherever she is deployed an adventure for the family. However, given our broken marriage, I need to think very carefully about how to proceed. I have a good job and I certainly need it to support my children.
If we decide to reconcile, I'd like to start marriage coaching with Jennifer. I've heard very good things about this. However, my wife is skeptical of the coaching; she is unwilling to break the relationship with her brother; she seems like a freeloader here. I've immersed myself in this website the past month or so and I can clearly see how we can use it to save our marriage. She is not motivated to do much of anything other than simply resigning herself to staying with me for the sake of the children. But, I have no interest in a loveless marriage. Frankly, this just seems like a recipe for her to have another affair.
Another complicating factor is her new career. I assume she will have periodic deployments which will separate her from our family. The duration of these is very unclear at this time.
One last detail is that my wife's primary motivator for staying with me is our children. She is terrified that she won't have any relatiionship with them. She had a very unhappy relationship with her parents. I'd also point out she is a very loving mother. Regardless, I'm adamant that our children have no contact with her brother. I assume the emotional consequences would be terrible.
My wife tells me that about a year ago she 'fell out of love' with me. Alas, she didn't tell me and, subsequently, the affair happened. Prior to this, we had a very loving and happy relationship. Having so many kids so quickly certainly placed a great strain on the relationship. But, I didn't think anything was wrong at the time (although I always wanted to hire a babysitter so my wife and I could spend more time together).
How should I proceed here? Does our relationship have any hope of successful reconciliation? Any and all advice greatly appreciated. I'm listening.
