I read and see so much grieving & pain here and I thought maybe someone would read my experiences and see that there is indeed light at the end of the dark tunnel. Yes you may
not have what you did before but you can get through the grief, you can grow from it.

When my crying hadn’t stopped a year after my son’s Peter death I had started to believe I was going crazy as many people had told me I was.
I blamed my husband and I hated him for abandoning us to go fight someones war. It took my affair and a break down and being hospitalised to actually go and find help with a
support group for grief and I finally found people who understood what I was going through.

It was at that point that the healing started. For the grief and the affair. Though it still took some time to sort out the grief of our sons death to the grief of the affair and the resulting pain I had inflicted on my family.
I still feel such a sense of failure for letting my other kids down at that time.

However once I found the support group, IC and MC and by the way MB is right up there as well, it was a wonderful feeling not to feel alone anymore. You see everyone grieves differently, there were and are no rights or wrongs, but the healthy approach is to acknowledge your grief and let yourself express it.

We live in a society that with any loss, such as a death or a marriage or long time relationship/partnership, believes that the best therapy is to get on with life.

By talking about your grief and processing the feelings, you can get something positive out of an awful experience. I feel strongly that when friends and family don’t talk about it, they are not honouring the person or as here, a marriage which died or those grieving for it. Families who openly talk about death and loss remember things and create
memories together.

In our society we are growing out of touch with the natural elements of life, like death & loss, because we are so in control and in charge of our lives today. Or think we are.
We don’t have much in the way of experiences of not being in charge and grief overturns that state of control and it takes us by complete surprise.

The death or loss of a significant person in your life, even emotionally, is one of the few occasions where we are out of control and in grief we have to find a way to submit to that.
Most people find that even though it is tremendously difficult and painful, if they survive it happening to them, they develop as human beings because of the experience. But God it is so hard!!! By the way God can be a big help for those who have faith or find it.

There are identifiable phases of grief that a person experiences, although these would show in varying ways and time frames.
I went through the same stages and much of the same emotions as others who have lost loved ones. Once I saw it happen to a best friend when I went to tell her her husband had been killed. Its an exqusitely painful experience.

So what happens ???
After the initial shock and disbelief, the feelings can be completely overwhelming and people intuitively often want to go in search of the person they had lost because they felt something was terribly wrong and needed to find them to make it OK.

They sometimes want to visit the place where the person had died, or where they had gone regularly. This behaviour is particularly apparent in children or in mothers
who had lost a baby who turn their house upside-down looking for the lost child, thinking they needed their help and protection. I can remember turning the house inside out, going through our sheds, walking around the local park not knowing what in he11 I was doing or why. I wonder how many husbands or wives do much the same for a different loss perhaps but still much the same reason???

Finally when the realisation occurs that you will not find them, the reality of the death or loss begins.

Then, a preoccupation with that person or their possessions, like wearing something that was theirs, can follow.

There can be complete disorganisation, lack of energy and total despair and hopelessness. This can if not carefully watched lead to depression requiring medical intervention far above anti-depressants, I seriously started to work on how to take my life, didn't tell anyone just planned it.

But then, with help and support you start to feel that someone is hearing what you are saying and you are understood because others had felt this way and survived you begin to feel more hopeful.
That what MB has in part helped me to do and continues to do for so many of us.

Its true that after the betrayal of a marriage, life is never going to be the same and it is about making readjustments to have a happy life again.
When a couple’s whole life has revolved around each other it can be a very painful process. How often have you heard people who have lost a partner say how it has left a hole in their life and that they’ve lost part of themselves. This is true for many here at first.

The best support for someone grieving is being around friends and family.

While people grieve differently, women generally handle the turmoil inside with emotional outbursts as a way of lessening the power of the feelings. Men often worked harder to lessen the power and intensity of the experience so they could return to normal activities. Sound familiar to anyone out there????

The best thing that happened to me was that friends and family just listened and did not advise, mop up or try to make me feel better. I know my mum wanted to but she held firm and held me while I died inside for a while.

What can you do to help the person grieving (remember it may not be a death) ??

Be present and attentive to the bereaved person.

Allow for moments of silence and reflection.

Listen in a non-judgmental and accepting way.

Avoid the use of cliches such as “Think of all the good times” and “You can always have another child” or " You will find someone who deserves you".

Mention the deceased person’s name and encourage the bereaved person to talk about
him or her.

Offer practical and emotional support such as minding children or cooking a meal.

Understand that tears are normal and a healthy part of the grieving process, no one will die of tears, you just feel like it.

Don’t try to fill in conversations with a lot of outside news.

Remember that grief may take years to work through.

Acknowledge anniversaries and dates of significance for the bereaved person.These days WILL be hard for them.

For me will I ever stop grieving my little Peter? No never, but I won't let the grief govern me again. And yes you can & will find happiness again even if it seems impossible right now.

Just don't give up.

What a wonderful, beautiful post, AW....thanks for sharing that!

{{{hugs}}}

NOW

Thank you very much, AW.

LA

Great post, AW. I have noticed since my own son was killed that I am no longer afraid to talk to other people about their deceased loved ones in a natural tone. As I am sure you have noticed, most people are scared to death to broach the subject with us. Teenagers, especially, had no fear about talking to me freely about my son after he died.
I got great comfort from that.

I also got great comfort from the folks who held their emotions in check around me and who DID talk about life in general and acted natural. The ones who caused me the most pain were the ones who were falling apart and sobbing all over me. I found no comfort in that. I know they meant well and certainly don't hold it against them, though.

The GREATEST comfort I received, though, was the knowledge that my son was a Christian and was in heaven in God. Because of that, I knew I would see him again. I KNOW where he is.

How OLD was your son when he was killed, AW? Mine was 18.

I will add that while I did get through my son's death and am no longer emotionally crippled from it, I could not claim to have "grown" from it. I have a hole in my heart that will always be there. It was a devastating tragedy and will always be, IMO.

mel sorry I was on the phone, just got a notification warning so hopefully its nothing serious for any of us wives to worry about (fingers crossed) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

Peter was just a few months short of his 5th birthday. He contracted meningitis and just went into a coma and died. Theres nothing good about it but I can thank God my other kids were ok they were playing in the same pool.

I was so hurt and bitter for a time. Is it painful? Oh yes forever, but no longer hurtful, does that make sense at all?

And yet, if we had not lost Peter would I have Mikey now? Could I choose if God said I can turn back time and give your son back? Which son would I choose? I couldn't, wouldn't. I'm not wise enough to know such things I guess.

Mikey looks so much like him yet so different. I just have to trust that God has a plan for each and every one of us. But my its hard some days. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Thank you AW... that was awesome!

Semper Fi,

RIF