I need to set some serious boundaries with my ex and I wonder how to. He always thinks I'll join him for lunch/dinner with our boy and that he can linger at my house playing with him, when he's here on weekends. For awhile I was adament that I would supervise much of his visits with my boy, because for a year he didn't hardly spend time with him at all. He was still a toddler, but now at 3-1/2 there aren't as many safety issues, he can play at the park by himself without someone spotting him, etc.

Last week while my mom was here on vacation he came to see his boy while he was on a job interview (that's another issue as he might move back to our state, he says he wants to by winter). I told my mom we could just drop off my boy, and I was adament about not going to lunch partly because I didn't want my mom around the garbage. When he hugged and sweet talked her into lunch I went along with it but it was exactly as I've told my mom every meeting with him is. He doesn't talk to me, doesn't ask questions, didn't even ask her questions although he hadn't seen her in a few years, he cut me off in the middle of sentences, but when either of us asked about his job interview, his current life/town, his family, etc he'd go on and on...

As usually I felt depressed just after spending time with him. I feel that he's a fairly good father and my boy loves being with him when he comes. But as I told my mother after even she saw "this" and admitted that this is "over" (coming from her this is huge, as a Christian she's always tried to pray, hold hope, believe he could change), that he's too "selfish" and into "money, lifestyle and himself..." It was obvious that the lunch was all "show," the hug and "how are you" but no further questions. My mom's likely right, at least with the boy they'll have sports and activities in common, I fear that my boy will feel this same thing one day - his dad not listening, not really caring, being invisable as I felt in my marriage.

My ex brought my boy back to the condo after they went somewhere, I told him I was in the middle of dinner with my mom, he wanted to bring my boy and come hang out a bit. I told him no, I said my mom is a good Christian and this is hard for her to watch a little boy being torn between two homes like this, that she already had lunch with him and that was enough. He had hurt on his face when I said this, and finally he left. My mom said I should just be honest with him and say "I can't handle this." I can't. Everytime I meet him and exhange the boy when he lingers or I give in and go to a restaurant, I get this depressed feeling. It drags me down. It's like reliving the marriage. I don't know why he's so selfish and clueless, what a way to get your wife back by ignoring her, not asking questions, not caring. He's been making these 1-2 times a month trips for over a year now, he'll even talk of reconciliation every time I get upset or push for a divorce. The divorce went off file on the county again because I didn't proceed, I was in the middle of moving and was busy when I got a court document so now I'll have to start over with that. A counselor said "this has gone on too long" and that was two years ago, he said I can't continue to play this record in my mind over and over again, he didn't have faith that the man I described would make any changes - and the reason for a separation is "change." There's apparently been none.

I just need to write the perfect email - or letter. He can't seem to discuss issues in person and it's best to lay out the rules without my boy around, my boy was there when I told him enough was enough with my mom and it was upsetting. My little boy doesn't need to be in the middle of this. Somehow I need to say that I won't have meals with them, and that he can't hang out at my house any longer. That we need to schedule when he comes and goes, where we'll meet... I'm afraid this will enrage him more, make him fight me more for custody - and of course I don't want anything in my boundaries email/letter that could be used against me. Of course if he moves here, and the job he's going for is still three hours away, he'll want more time with my boy. I need to pray for peace, this is all quite stressful. But first isn't it fair to set these boundaries and have as little interaction with this man as possible from hereon? Is that ok for my boy? He's 3-1/2, doesn't really understand as I left when he was eight months old so he doesn't remember us together even. But he's getting older, not much time is on my hands to work this out in the best manner possible for him. I do know, my mom saw it too, I can't stand to hang out with a selfish pig any longer, it's demeaning and makes me depressed...

Perhaps all hope is finally gone.

I suggest a clear email stating that you won't be hanging out with him, but that you are willing to work with him on parental issues.

The email won't do anything. YOu just need to say "No" and get mad when he won't accept taht. He's not going to change, so you have to get mean.

Hehehe, you don't really want to know what I think, eh <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I would say that a sheriff's deputy knocking on his door and serving him with a new petition for divorce shortly therafter followed by a letter from your attorney spelling out the terms of custody, visitation (drop of time, schedule, etc.), etc. and suggesting that he sign a stipulated judgment rather than litigating the matter would be pretty firm and send a message <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

In all relatity, sometimes you just have to put your foot down and lay down the law. Whether it's in a phone call, e-mail or otherwise. I commend you for wanting to shield your son from this.

You are both right, I'll have to get mean. I've "stated" in emails before what should happen, this man doesn't respect boundaries - according to my mom's Christian class on Boundaries - that's what makes someone abusive, normal rules don't work. They push and push.

Yes it's time to get the divorce moving again, he claimed he'd willingly sign divorce papers without me having to do "that" again - that being serve him by the sheriff's department in his little town where he's "king." It would embarrass him, but maybe that's just what he needs.

And a lawyer and judge to explain to him there's such a thing called the law. In the meantime I'll come up with an email, maybe post it here before I shoot it out. Of course it won't mean much to him anyways. But next trip I'm putting my foot down. There's no more hanging out at my house, and I'm not going out to eat even for my boy's sake just to be ignored and disrespected. I'm so weary of this. I think he really does think I'll just "wake up" and move back with him, if only he gets this important job here.

My girlfriend is likely right, I haven't divorced him, what else would a man without boundaries think?

Horsey, don't even let him in the house next time. He gets to stand on the door step. If he asks to come in, tell him it's not convenient. I know this sounds harsh, but I sense that he's a "give an inch, take a mile" kind of person.

If he askes you to dinner, either say no thank you, or say you have plans. Your plans could be to clean the house or do some work. It matters not, and he doesn't need to know.

If he gives you a rigamorole about this being for the sake of your son, don't buy it. It's manipulation. Your son is better served getting used to the division now that he's older. Soon you'll be divorced. Someday you'll be dating again. BFs don't take well to their girls going out to dinner with ex-husbands.

Plus, you'll feel strong and powerful and in control. That's what he tries to rob you of.

I'm not going to date again, and I don't care what some future "boyfriend" thinks. Right now I really can't stand men, even looking around, most make me sick. I don't forsee the day, maybe until I'm really old, and some really old man wants to drive around in a motor home or something, but this grown up stuff - playing house, kids, step kids, it's not for me. Only me and my boy. But yes "he" doesn't need to come into my house again. That might help me feel stronger and more in control, he seems to like the upper hand.