I am not sure what to do about my marriage of 14 months. I love my husband, and have in general been happy with him in the marriage.

However, I feel like he doesn't love me as much as I love him. Not only that, but there is another girl whom he loved in the past, and he loved her more than me - she was really the "love of his life." He proposed to her, but she turned him down and is now married to someone else. (When she turned him down, it was apparently the hardest time of his life, he really loved her so much).

Yesterday I found some emails that he wrote to a friend right before we got engaged. He said in those emails that he isn't sure whether to marry me, because he doesn't love me as much or as "enthusiastically" as he loved this other girl. He loved her passionately and completely, without any doubts or hesitations. On the other hand, he said that he is not excited about marrying me, and that he doesn't feel joy at the idea.

He then continued to examine the pluses and the minuses - he said that I am a good woman and would be a great mother, and that because he is getting older, he is unlikely to meet someone like me again, someone good who also who wants to marry him. And he said that he knows I love him, and am waiting for him - so he didn't want to throw away the opportunity. He said it is time for him to settle down and have children now, and even though he doesn't love me as much as he loved the other woman in the past, he can see himself having a family with me.

Reading those emails completely crushed me. I always did kind of suspect that he loved this other girl more than me...but it just killed me to read him talk about it and to admit it so openly. How can I feel good in my marriage, knowing that he loved someone else more than me? He may enjoy my love for him, and appreciate what I do for him, but his deepest heart belongs to another woman.

I just feel so despairing right now. My husband is away on a business trip, he doesn't know that I read those emails. I don't know if I should even tell him. I don't expect him to admit that he doesn't love me...he will try to cover up. Plus, I really shouldn't have read his emails. But I am just crushed, and I don't know what to do. I don't want to leave this marriage, but how can I be happy married to someone who doesn't consider me the love of his life?

Have you discusssed each others emotional needs? How are you doing on meeting them?

You have to talk to him about it before getting married. Take your time and make the right decision. Talk to your family about it. Good luck.

They're already married.

Frankly, I think you should tell him that you found the e-mails and then tell him how you feel. Betrayed? Lied to? You need to tell him the truth or it will fester and bring you more pain to keep it hidden. This is just my perception of the situation.

It isn't the sort of thing you want to have crop up after you have children, and if you do have children, they deserve parents who love each other. He was dishonest, and he owes you both an explanation and an apology.

Many an arranged marriage has survived - and many have been great matches - by parents who knew their children's likes and dislikes, etc. However, I also know of 3 arranged marriage/marriages of convenience - 1 in my family, 1 in my husband's family, and 1 in my friend's family, and they all made each other miserable.

You and your husband do have your friendship, and presumable respect for one another, and certainly you can build from that - but that all depends on you and your husband. I do encourage you to work vigorously on your marriage before creating any children together - for it would be they who would suffer the most if things turned sour.

VZS,

Not sure if you are still lurking around. I see your post was quite a while ago.

On another post you said this:


It sounds like this was an unresolved issue before you married him and continues to be unresolved. I hope you discussed the emails with him regardless of whether or not you were snooping. You both need to be open and honest with each other for your marriage to succeed.

I'm sure you had your reasons for marrying him. You also posted this:


If you're still lurking around, how about an update.