Today my WH is home, and I'm supposed to go out of town to work. It's just until 3 PM this afternoon, I'll be back. We told the OW things were over, and not to ever attempt contact again. For some reason, that's just not good enough for me. I can't muster up one ounce of trust for him. I just called in work and told them I'm not coming. The thoughts of being 80 miles away at work while he is in this town where the OW lives and works was making me physically ill this morning. I was shaking, becoming nauseated, and felt an incredible feeling of dread.

August 31st was the last time I worked out of town while he was home alone. That's the day I found her vm telling him "hi sweetheart" and "thanks for today I appreciate it". I can't get him to be honest with me and tell me what that means, and it's driving me nuts! He claims she was a 'friend' making a long trip with her job, and that he was 'just checking the fluids on her car'. I don't buy that. It feels like, and gut feelings are rarely wrong, like a huge lie.

We are trying to find a home in the new town where we are both working. Our house is on the market, has been for over a month when we took these new jobs. We've not had anyone even look at it, but we have found a home we like in the new town.

My problem is this feeling of physical sickness. I can't just miss work every day he is going to be home alone, but I can't trust his word either.

Help! What do I do? I feel like I should just throw in the towel with him. Why should I let this A make me physically sick and worried? Why should I allow him to make my life miserable?

I remember the jist of your post.

Does H admit to anything?

He admits he was wrong and messed things up. He won't admit to anything else. He keeps saying he just wishes this would go away. I told him it's not that easy. He just doesn't seem to comprehend the deep emotional damage and the loss of trust.

deephurts, it will take a very long time for him to earn your trust back, but it will NEVER COME as long as he persists in keeping the truth from you. He doesn't sound very trustworthy to me so you are right not trust him. I would watch him like a HAWK.

Hello DH,

I completely sympathise with your feelings because I too have experienced them and have made similar U turns on the way to work!


Looking at your other threads, you have been given a lot of advice on this but it is unclear if you have followed it.

Have you read SAA?
Have you exposed?
Has he written and sent a NC letter?
Are you clear on what your Plan A and B look like and what time line they have?

The onus for making you feel less suspicious needs to pass to your WH. Until the A is over that won't happen. Plan A & B are there to kill the affair and they seem to work when executed correctly.


I think it's a natural reaction to a massive assault on your life. It's a truly awful situation to be in and your response is perfectly understandable.


Don't. Follow Plan A & B. Doing so will help you feel more in control of the situation and have something to focus on. From my own experience and what I have read about others, the worry does tend to diminish over time.

As others have said, your other option is to divorce him.

If you decide to try and save your marriage, then it's best to follow the advice you've already received.

Reading back over my reply, I see it could be interpreted as scolding. I don't mean to be. I just understand the paralysing nature of the experience your having and know that the only antidote is action.

first things first, Like Mel says, he needs to come clean and right now! You need to force this issue, I am guessing that you are stewing in your own juices by yourself, do not do that, H needs to know that things are not going away.
Do you think H is still up to something with OW?

Have you read SAA?
Have you exposed?
Has he written and sent a NC letter?
Are you clear on what your Plan A and B look like and what time line they have?


I do not have SAA yet. I am reading all the articles on here in the mean time though. I tried to get hime to fill out an EN questionairre yesterday, and he looked at it and said 'this lets me know you don't feel I love you anymore, and that's not even close to the truth'. He said he knew all my feelings were his fault, and that he had messed us up. He then proceeded to tell me the way he felt about each section of the EN questionairre. He said I did everything right for him, and that I had a big heart which is why he married me. He said he knew he had hurt me badly. However, even though he was saying all this I just felt empty.

I have exposed him to his supervisor and to my brother and sister-in-law. I have not exposed him to his mother because she has herself broken up two marriages and is married to the last guy she had an affair with. His sister is currently going through marriage counseling for problems unrelated to an affair, so I don't think his family would be one ounce of help in this at all.

We have completed the NC and it is done.

I don't know that I have a plan A. I am trying to be responsive to his EN, but at the same time I am nauseated by the thoughts of what might have happened since he is not forthcoming with information except to say he knows he messed us up. Well no surprise there mister! You sure did. What did you think it would do to us?!

I am still really angry by all this, and want to run away from it all. I think about leaving him every day.

How do you make them come clean when all they say is I know I messed up? That's not good enough. I've told him this just won't go away.

I don't think he has tried to contact her by his cell phone. I know he hasn't contacted her by email either at home or his work email--I have his password for this and check it every day. Today would have been the first day home alone where he might have tried to make face to face contact, but I called in. He has asked me over and over how many patients I have to see today. I have not told him I've called in yet.

trust me,,I know all to well about getting the truth out of someone when they don't want to tell it.

I think what you need to do is aquire the proof yourself,,can you hire a PI? Do you know the OW? Who do you think knows about this that you can ask besides H?

Giving him the EN questionnaire isn't a good idea. It makes waywards feel like you are trying to educate them and they hate it.

What about the OW, did you expose it to her family, spouse, employer?

You really need to get that book and study it. Then when you think you understand it, read it again. If you look at my threads, you will see I made just about every mistake possible because I didn't get it.

Plan A is no LBs (anger being a big one) and trying to fulfil those ENs that you know about. The purpose of it is to try and break up the affair and, if it doesn't work, it will make him really miss that lovely person that you became if you go Plan B.

It's really hard but you have to lock up that taker in you and stow the anger. It took me ages to learn that lesson. Vent here instead if you need to because we understand but it is a major turn off to your H. As someone else replied to another post earlier today, do you want to be right or married?

It's tempting to run away but don't make any hasty decisions. It sounds like you aren't really in the right emotional state to take ones that you will be happy to live with later.

MW is right. I had the same problem. When I had things I wanted to say that were LB's, I came here & got it all out so I wouldn't say it to my WH when I got home. I even whined some, in my childish stage. Venting here helps. We've all BTDT so keep posting. I find that getting down in black & white words helps me think about whether I want to say anything or not.

When my husband was reluctant to tell me what happened, I told him I only had one other choice for information:

the other woman.

I asked him if his choice would be that I visited with her for my information, and asked her my questions, which would include what sexual positions, whether or not she enjoyed it, etc.

He wasn't happy that I was more than willing to do this to get my information.

He knew that I would do it. It was not a threat. I fully intended to know what happened, and if he would not tell me, I did mean to get the information from her (and she was a former friend who was actually willing to tell me the truth, and he knew that).

I gave him that choice, his version or hers.

He gave me some information, but not everything I wanted. The story came out in little dribs and drabs, over a long time. I was very impatient, but ultimately found a communication method that made him comfortable and safe enough that he finally gave me the bulk of answers to my questions.

I did, by the way, talk to the other woman more than once to check out if he was telling me the truth. After a couple of conversations with her, I decided he was going to be honest, and I stopped calling her to verify his story.

I'm not advocating that you call her, because what works for one person might not work for another. But it is one possibility that might work for you, something to consider. I don't know your situation, or how well you think the OW might respond, or if she would lie or be truthful. In my case, the OW was surprisingly honest and caring. (Not that she remains a friend, however!)

There are communication styles and tactics you can put into place that are used to induce people to be more likely to tell you the truth, and which will put them more at ease and feel more intimate and close with you. I have a thread I will bump up for you which describes the body language you might want to try which might help to facilitate your husband's feeling safer to disclose to you. I think the thread has body language and memory in the topic. Watch for the bump.

Another thing you might want to take a look at is "Joseph's Letter". You can find it in the "Notable Posts" in the thread at the top of the General Questions forum.

And don't make a hasty decision right now. Your feelings will go up, down, sideways, around, and back again, all in the course of a day. You can't rely on how you feel right now to make life decisions, so give yourself a few weeks to let things settle down. There will be plenty of time to walk away later if you decide to do that. For now, let yourself make it through this hard and devastating point in your life, and give yourself some time to get through the pain.

Schoolbus

Thanks for your replies. I am just so aggrivated right now. I was looking at that cell bill again, and I noticed another phone number with lengthy calls. It was her work phone number too! Now we are well over 52 calls. What a jerk! He doesn't deserve me. I have been 100% faithful to him for over 25 years since we started dating all through our marriage.