I think my husband has came back to me out of guilt because his affair devastated me. we have been married for 16 yrs and have 2 children can he love me again like i thought he already did? because i know he loved her he told her he was going to divorce me at one point He left me twice but came back because he said his heart hurt and he just could not do it I dont know what to do I still love him but feel like a loser for taking him back I never thought I would keep a cheating huband any advice on what i should do would be appreciated

Okay, LB...

Your WH did not love OW, he loved the feeling of BEING with OW...there's a difference...

The question is are you willing to accept crumbs?

Are you in Plan A? Have you read SAA?

Is your WH still in contact with OW?

lady,

Love as more than one stage....the stage generally associated with affairs is called "attraction". It's fueled by very powerful biochemistry that works like an addiction on the brain. Striving is right....people love they way the feel around new love and the chemistry actually mirrors mental illness and cocaine use. But it wears off....it has a short shelf-life and it's not sustainable. My belief is that if it hadn't worn off yet....he wouldn't have given it up on his own.

The kind of love that lasts....and that he has with you...doesn't wear off. The "attachment" form of love has different biochemistry that is comforting and bonding. You have historical and emotional ties that will make you forever connected.

Don't feel so badly about "guilt" being the motivation for returning home. Guilt represents "conscience" and believe me....you don't want a man without conscience. God gave us guilt so that we could recognize when we were doing something wrong....and change it. I'm glad your husband felt guilty enough to end his affair....I think that gives you far more hope than many others I see here. Guilt is the beginning of real remorse and compensation.

However, expect there to be a period of withdrawal where he misses those feelings....because infatuation is as difficult to give up as cocaine. Now that he's home....you need to go through the right process to end the affair as it should be. A no contact letter must still be written. If she was married....the other BS must be told. You must agree to extra-ordinary precautions to protect your marriage and the two of you must recognize and work on the issues that helped to create the vulnerability.

I don't really think you're accepting crumbs...unless you require none of the above things that will actually put you into real recovery.

Be encouraged! (((((((((((((((lady)))))))))))))))

Lady Blue,

Have you read all of Dr Harley's basic concepts on this site yet? I ask because the premise of Dr Harley's methods revolves around the idea that "love" can be built and has to be maintained in order to continue. The "feeling" we call love can be created from scratch if you are willing to do what it takes to accomplish it.

When my wife decided to forgo a divorce and stay with me, rest assured, she did NOT have feelings of love toward me at the time. She was lost in a fantasy of a wonderful future life with the other man. Her reason for staying was actually embarrassment, IMO. She would have had to explain her leaving a 30+ year marriage for a guy who was a serial cheater.

All I'm trying to say is that If your husband is home and has ended his affair, for whatever reason, accept it and be ready to do what it takes to recover and rebuild your marriage, his love for you and yours for him and the trust that has been ripped from your relationship with him.

You do have an option of course. You can simply divorce him and move on without him and it is your choice to make and no one will ever fault you for it either way. But if you choose to try to save your marriage and create a new one that will be what it might have been all along, this is the place to do it.

If he just ended his affair with OW, he is probably experiencing withdrawal quite similar to what an alcoholic or drug addict experiences when they first attempt to quit. You can even help him get over OW and re-bond with you.

It isn't fair that you should have to do any of this, but it has been done many times before by many other people with the help of this website.

It can be hard at times and the ride is not smooth and has been compared to a roller coaster by many who have gone through it. It may be the single most difficult thing you have ever done, but you are the one who gets to decide if it is worth it.

Mark

I have read alot of things on this site and plan on ordering some books from him also this site does give me hope i am just scared to death that when our 13 year old grads from high school he will be out of here i know that is down the road believe me iam the one that wants this marriage saved more than him. and would do any thing to save it but somtimes i wish he would show more compasion for what i have been thru the past year. it does take 2 i know he is home and thats a start but we do need help

thank you so much star*fish. You answered my Q from my thread. You're totally right about the guilt being the beginning of real remorse and compensation. I'm in Plan A and although WH is still contacting OW I can tell he feels guilty for what he's doing. (asking me 'are you crazy, you shouldn't love me, you deserve someone better) I'm hoping that guilt will keep wearing on him and maybe end the A out of guilt. Of course he also believes that nothing will be the same again. I wish there was a way I could make him see that we can come out of this even better than before.... just give it a chance! But of course there is no reasoning with him. He's been abducted by aliens..... (sigh)

I agree.... Be encouraged!!! and hang in there!

How come it seems like I am doing all the work I just get so mad sometimes He should be a little more attentive towards me I think am I wrong by getting angry? I usally hold it in somtimes I think once somthing like this happens it would never be the same he even said that before what about things happen for a reason?

Lady,
You can read my post "Mourning period? How long?".

I am going through the same thing you are but in my case my wife's affair ended 'prematurely' because I found out by accident. She was/is totally infatuated but feels it's 'true love'. She can't even imagine the other guy doing anything wrong etc etc.

Suffice to say, I have just a week ago found this web site and have read as much as I can and feel good that I can take MY destiny in hand. You have to look yourself in the mirror and say "I can make my own future whether he stays with me or not, but for now I choose to do everything I have to win him back within reason" You need to have self respect and you need to find your inner strength. That is what I am doing. Thinking my wife will leave me makes me want to die, but I refuse to give in to those kind of emotions...instead I want and decide to be pro-active. I offer her love, give her support and ask for little in return. I also try and stimulate conversation, and make sure that we sometimes talk about our deeper issues. When we do I keep control of my emotions, and even offer her a warm smile in dark moments.

In this way I feel I am demonstrating my love but I keep my self respect. Breaking down and crying only shows weakness (even though that can happen and does in my case sometimes...but less and less) and confusion. Your mate, all mates, who grapple with their attraction to others outside the marriage, would rather be attracted to a strong, warm person inside the marriage that offers a way forward but without pressure.

I have been waiting for my wife to start to warm up to me in a more intimate way but I still feel I am doing most of the work. Having said that remember, they are doing some work inside their heads. That is where the tug-of-war is. It is so hard but keep your strength and belief in yourself !!

Lady,


Because your FWH is still fogged out and in withdrawl. Unfortunately, the BS ends up doing the hard work in the beginning. It isn't fair, but it is reality.

You have a right to be mad, your life will be defined by this whether you stay and recover your M, or divorce. But come here and vent when you are mad, don't LB (love bust).

If he will agree to work with you on identifying his and your own Emotional needs, then you can work on meeting his most important ones and as long as you aren't LBing big holes in his love bank, he will find the love he still has for you again.

Recovering from an A isn't for sissys so prepare yourself for many trials and tribulations. This process generally takes from 2 to 5 years.

Remember, we are here for you.

Who

you people give me so much right now and I want you to know I appreciate and feel for all of you Thank you for your responses. I just vented on him and should of came here first we will have to see if it is in him to stay

lady,

I know how you feel. My WH has told me he is staying, not because he loves me or is in love with me, but because it's the right thing to do & looks good. He says he doesn't want to fall in love with me again. He seems to think he will just wake up & his feelings will be changed.

I have come here & vented many times. It helps me to not vent at him & stops the LB'ing. I've gotten tons of good advice & hints on how to help myself.

Keep posting here. Everyone here listens & helps.

Lady,


I have a word of caution for you on this. I had so many advantages in recovering because my FWH didn't love the OW, he felt guilty and conflicted for nearly the entire affair. I didn't have to do anything to cause the A to end because he ended it before I found out.

Following d-day, I acted entitled to say anything I wanted to him, no matter how vile. In a word, I was a brat.

Now we BS know why I acted like I did. I was hurt, scared and very angry with FWH.

We read the books, and made a half hearted effort to recover. We did get better for awhile, but whenever things became difficult, I vented and even he vented to a lesser extent.

Even tho we were making some attempts to meet each others EN's our Love Banks were too full of holes for anything to stay in them.

We finally realized in May that we needed some help and started MC with Jennifer. In the beginning, I had to be very careful with angry outbursts and make a real effort, and my FWH had to work on disrespectful judgments. But sure enough, once we stopped the LB's we immediately started to actually recover.

We began to form new habits in the way we treated each other and now it comes naturally without thinking about it (most of the time).

This MB stuff is solid and it really works.

Who

who
Thank you,my husband also ended the affair before i found out and even whent to a therapist a couple of times before coming home I know this has not been the easiest on him either and I really do try and control my anger it has only came up a few times. I think I just think he should act happier about having me back I know he has alot of guilt but I do forgive him. I want to move on and make a better marriage than before. its scary as heck I never thought it would happen in the first place if it happens again I just dont know!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!