I was really struggling w/ being able to forgive WH. I've heard it said, many times, "Forgivness doesn't make them right , it makes you free." But I just didn't have it in me to forgive him.

But then today, it hit me. I was looking at forgiveness as a way of letting him off the hook, so to speak. That if I can forgive him, then maybe that was saying all the things he's done aren't so bad.

And I was also confusing forgiveness w/ reconcilliation. I can forgive and still choose NOT to stay married to someone that has always cheated on me (and is not sorry).

I was really struggling w/ wanting to forgive, but not wanting to stay in the marriage. God does want me to forgive him, but doesn't expect me to stay in a heartbreaking situation where I'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown, and being exposed to deadly diseases.

Why are the BS's the ones that so often feel the most guilt and turmoil over whether or not to end the marriage?

sl77, Dr. Harley believes in JUST COMPENSATION in the matter of adultery in order to effect forgiveness. Here is his excellent article on the subject:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5042_qa.html

But why in the world do you want to forgive your WH? Has he in any way earned your forgiveness?

From Not Just Friends, pg 359

Rituals of Forgiveness

Compassion for the other person makes forgiveness possible. The most important element of being able to acheive a state of forgivenss is mutual empathy. Insight into the mistakes made by the person to be forgiven helps in replacing anger with understanding. Both partners must seek and grant forgiveness for the part they played in the marital problems that proceeded the infidelity or for the hurtful behaviors that followed the revelation of the betrayal.

One partner's capacity to forgive depends on the other partner's efforts to make amends. Unfaithful partners must seek forgiveness for the acts of betrayal; betrayed partners must be willing to acknowledge what they regret about their behavior before or after the affair. etc, etc.

From your post, your husband has done nothing to earn your forgiveness; don't give it.

Beowulf

Welcolm sl77.



Well you would be correct about that. God does not always support reconciliation if the person you are attempting to forgive is unrepentant and continues to sin against Him and your M.

So the choice to R is yours, God sets you free to choose in this matter. It is not God's choice that you live a life of misery over your H's unrenptent A.

Forgiveness is a command, reconciliation is an option that should be weighed carefully in light of what God want's for your life.

All Blessings,
Jerry

Just Compensation would've been great, but WH is a serial cheater, unrepentant, and I'm divorcing him. I'm a christian, and I knew God wanted me to forgive WH. But I just plain didn't want to. I needed to forgive for ME, though.

I gotcha! So, this is not for him, but a way for YOU to feel good? You could release your anger without forgiving him and have the same result. Forgiving someone who does not want or need forgiveness does not benefit THEM, is not in their best interest, but does make us FEEL GOOD, I agree.

sl77-

I am struggling with this issue myself. As a Christian, I want to be able to forgive my WH, and some days I do feel that I have. However, he too is unrepentant and continues to be rude toward me even though I have repeatedly offered an olive branch to him.

I think of the passage in Matthew where Jesus says if your brother sins against you go and tell him his fault. If he hears you, you've gained your brother, if not bring witnesses, the church, etc. If he still doesn't hear you look upon him basically as a non-Christian.

I'm not sure if your husband claims to be a Christian or not, but mine (though we were both baptized together 6 years ago) claims he never was. So I choose to love him as one loves their enemies i.e. bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those which spitefully use you, and persecute you.

I have never had occasion to love my enemy before now. It's sad that I must now view my own husband in those terms, but he has made himself my enemy by his actions.

I'm sorry you have been treated so horribly by a man that pledged to love you. I hope that God will bring you a husband someday who will love you as Christ loves the church and you can experience marriage as He intended it to be.

Forgiveness is for yourself. Its letting go of the anger, hate, or whatever definition of feelings you choose so that you can have peace within yourself. It doesn't mean forgetting, or pretending that it is all okay. If you need plan D, that is not failure on your part either. And you move on and heal, forgive yourself, and let go of the hate/anger/disgust/revulsion that consume your feelings and cause you pain.

best wishes
FTS