Fled,

Well, things have gotten better. It's weird, it's like he's finally saw a strand of light thru his fog. He told me on wed. that he's really going to do this. Even though he has to work with her, he's got to be able to earn some of his self respect back.

He is being really attentive to my needs and worries. He told me that he's tired of just treading water, and he realized that he is the only one who can get out of the water. I know he's really trying, and I know it's really hard for him. I know he still has feelings for her, even though he knows that those feelings are wrong. But he also knows that if he doesn't start working on our M, then he won't have anything at all.

I did ask him when he had sex with her last, but he didn't really give me a solid answer. Well maybe it's just not the answer I wanted. But I think you are right, if I found out that it was after D-day then I don't think I could cont. on. I honestly don't want to know b/c it took so long to get that image out of my mind, I don't want to end up there again. He did say that he's not had any physical relations with her since the last time he told me, which was in June. I know he's struggling with how he feels about me. It's like going to chop liver after having prime rib at least sexually.

This is he11. I'm happy that he's putting out an effort but I'm still second guessing his motivation. I'm finding it hard to take it a face value. Like this is a smoke curtain to cover something else. But when I'm with him and looking him in the eyes (he's finally making eye contact with me), I'm sure it's genuine. It's when he's not around, that's when I start to over think it. This I know it's me trying to protect myself in case it's all a hoax. I want so badly for this to be real and am trying so hard to not LB. You are right that the love must be there somewhere. I find it hard to stay positive though, the "what if's" get overwhelming at times.

My daughter is amazing, she's been very supportive. We talk every day, and she tells me how she feels about this. She is still angry w/him, but she understands that he is trying to right the wrong. I was so worried that she would have less respect for me by letting him stay...that I was being a doormat. But she told me that, it's easier to run away from bad things, but it really takes a brave person to face it head on. That she thinks I'm the bravest person she's ever met.

Next I need to work on my son, he's so different from her. She said that she'll talk with him and see how he is doing. He told her that he already knows what happened, and as long as we work on our M, he doesn't want to talk about it. He just wants us to make things right. I've been trying to spend as much time with him as possible, but I've missed a couple of his waterpolo games b/c I had to stay late at work. He says he understands but I can tell his feelings are hurt. He's very much like his father in that way, unless I push the issue, my son won't talk about it. That is something I'm going to have to help him change.

So as of right now, it seems like we are taking very small steps in the right direction. One day at a time. I hope it cont. to get better. My H is still here for a reason, I just got to help him discover it.

Gotta go to bed, need my beauty sleep!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Thanks,
Tami

I hae things to say but have to go to work. I'll be back. Your daughter sounds great and your son sounds like my DS19, uncommunicative teenage boy (that does improve though,thank god)

Stay hopeful, the demons invade when we are not with the WH. our minds go crazy wondering where they are and what they are doing. It requires lots of time together for that anxiety to lessen down the road, but it does.

Later

Fled

Tami, Home from work but need to bake a cake. We are having DS10's sleepover B-day party tonight. It sounds like your H wants to get there. Not easy but making some efforts. If he really is wanting to try and fix things then you need to keep in mind several things. He isn't full NC so he remains foggy, but as he comes out of the fog there is guilt and shame. These make it very hard to engage him appropriately.

He should be helping you with your pain, but shame and guilt when he sees it may be more than he can cope with well. DH and I went in circles getting depressed. I would be hurting and depressed which would cause him pain because he was responsible. Then he would get depressed. I didn't know if it was shame/guilt or withdrawal. I would get depressed. Vicious circles. How to fix it? TIME, TIME, and TALK, TALK. You have to be able to talk about it. (Honey, you seem really quite today, what is it that is on your mind?) Lucky for me, it was never withdrawl for her. It was shame and guilt for what he had done, to me, himself, our kids, the OC. Never the OW because he quickly discovered when he told me everything and I didn't boot him her real personality came out on top of what he had been figuring out on his own before.

Your kids are amazing. It's important that you and your daughter know the difference between doormat and fighting for your M. It is much easier to cut and run. But it doesn't heal anything for you. You still have to work on recovery, even if it is alone. If it's possible to recover it all, that is the greater prize. You do this, you give it your best, and if it works, you have something incredible, if it doesn't you have respect for yourself for your efforts, you have regained emotional stability for yourself and for your kids.

Your son is like most teenage boys his age. My H's A was when my DS was 16. He would not have gotten it, he was being moody all by himself, and silent as tenage boys are. But, since he knows, you MUST make sure he understands also that you need to try to recover this, that none of it was acceptable to you. That we all make mistakes, how this mistake was made is something you your H, and your kids need to understand so that they can avoid this in their future relationships.
I have to go bake that cake. The ten year olds will be descending this afternoon for an overnight. Then we are doing a 20 mile bike ride through the pines with 3 of them (they will kick my butt <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />)

Hang in there, it's sounding better. What's up with counseling? the Harley's?

Feld

Hey,

Having a bad night. I'm feeling very lonely tonight. I can't even watch a movie that has any kind of affection and I just dissolve into tears. The loneliness is just overwhelming.

He's in withdrawal again....so I've been trying to keep my distance again. I feel so alone. It's like everywhere I look I see everything I don't have. I know he's home but he's not really here. How do you continue to still see the hope?

I'm just in a funky mood. Every time I see any kind of kissing or hugging on tv---I image my H with the OW. The image is so vivid, it's like a knife in my heart.

You are right, when the WH is away, the demon thoughts invade. I'm having a pity party for one. I thought that I got my pain under control. But it keeps sneaking up on me.

I keep asking myself why do I keep doing this? Why do I cont. to put myself through this? My soul says b/c I love him but my mind says I'm being a doormat and my heart is torn between the two.

I think I need to go to bed. I'll be better tomorrow.

Hey Fled, how did the b-cake turn out? I hope the party was the "bomb"! Sorry...I don't think the kids say that anymore. Too bad you live so far away, my daughter just graduated from Western Culinary school as a pastry chef. She could have make the cake. Oh, how was your 3000 mile hike?

I hope all is well in your home and heart.

Tami

The birthday cake was chocolate torte out of a pampered chef recipe book and the kids loved it. Sleep over went well, everyone was quite enough for me to sleep at 1130pm. Bike ride was awesome, 20 miles, mostly down hill grade of 2% so you have to pedal but not much up hill.

I would have loved your daughter to help with the cake, that's always fun.

Tami,

You are still very early in this. I don't know how many times I have turned the channel or shut the tv off or just get up and play sudoku. Sudoku saved my sanity the first 9 months. Nobody has illicit relationships in Sudoku, I can't think about the crap when I'm trying to figure out the numbers. You are not far enough along in this to be able to deal with Hollywood's BS. You are not a doormat, you are giving your M a chance. Keep your mind busy with something that can't be spun into the A.. Stay physically active, it makes your body feel better, helps you get some sleep, and you'll look better when it's all over. I spent 18 months doing a core Yoga work out on DVD. I spent the first 8 months crying through the damn thing. 18 months later "I LOOKED GOOD!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />"

These are normal feelings for you. But know that your kids and the those of us here care about you and know what you are going through. We've been there, it does get better. This site is about recovering the M but its also about recovering you. You will recover and heal. Hopefully, your WH will get on board 110% to heal and recover the M as well.

Best wishes, talk to you later

Fled

Hi Fled,

Just checking in. It's been interesting here. It seems that my H is trying, but like me he has good and bad days. NC is still not completely in place and won't be until he leaves his job or she does. I did find out that the OW has been trying to get H to move out and be with her.

He told her that (again) that he has decided to work on his M. He told me that he cont. to have feelings for her but it's getting better.

I told him the other night that I'm not sure how long I can keep doing this. I see how he scans the parking lot of his work for her car and how he's more excited when he know she'll be working. He said that they don't talk at work, but I told him you don't need to talk to have contact. All you have to do is see her and you will know how and what she is feeling just by a simple glance.

There is no working on the M if you cont. to have contact. If you cont. to have feelings for her, then you can't have "those" kind of feelings for me. I won't settle, I want it all. I want it w/you but I can't be the only one to want it.

I'm just so lonely for affection, touch, and knowing that the person in my arms wants to be there and not just going thru the motions.

In the last couple of weeks, my desire for affection has tripled. I'm not sure why, I'm not looking to get it fulfilled by anyone else. I think that it maybe b/c I'm thinking of this time last year. I found a 2006 calender in the closet and was thumbing thru it. In it I found dates of special events...daughter starting culinary school, b-day, holidays, parties....and knowing that he was doing her thru all of it. I cried.

I hate this, b4 the A, I never had crying spells, or anxiety attacks or self-doubt. I don't like this "weakness" for myself this is not the person I want to be. I can't watch tv, or even listen to any love songs without having some kind of reaction to it. I look like a idiot sitting in my car ugly crying over a stupid song (Dolly Pardon's I will always love you...is the worst).

But when he's around and it's a good day mode, then it seem bearable. I just don't want to fool myself.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

I'm just maintaining my sanity. Oh for me, mah jong is what helps me, or any puzzle games. There's always a happy ending!

How are you doing? I've seen a couple of your posts out there, I think it was the one about being afraid. I hate feeling fearful, but sometimes it's so strong it's overwhelming. You give me hope that there's a chance to recover, and the strength. Thank you sooooooo much for all your time and care. I appreciate your support and wonderfully sound advice/opinions.

I've got to go, my son has a friend over (who won't stop eating) nor will he go home!!! He's rummaging thru my fridge again. I'm gona have to send a food bill home with him!!

Oh and your cake sounds fantastic!!! I love chocolate torte. Yummo (per Rachel Ray)!! She's really way too perky for me but in small doses she's okay.

Take Care of you.
Tami

Hi Tami, I have browsed through your posts and wanted to point out that it is probably time to go into Plan B if he won't end contact. The maximum amount of time a BS should stay in Plan A is 3 months. SIX WEEKS is the ideal timeline if you are a woman.

It is not in your H's best interest or yours to stay in plan A because you just become his enabler. That does not help him and can cause grievous harm to your mental state.

Have you exposed the affair to the OWH, your kids, the workplace, your WS's parents?

This is why it is not a good idea to stay in Plan A for long. Plan A is supposed to be very short lived. Women have nervous breakdowns and suffer from YEARS of post traumatic stress disorder, from living like this. Plan B is designed to protect you from a nervous breakdown so that when his affair DOES END, your marriage can be salvaged.

If you are crippled by a nervous malady, because you wouldn't protect yourself from his abuse, then you won't be an available or attractive nor will you be able to be there for your kids.

Go to Plan B, Tami.

Dr. Harley, written to a woman about her H's ongoing affair:

I would take him up on that offer. Tell him you have thought it about it, and have decided he is right. You need some space until he has ended all contact with the OW. Tell him it is too painful for you and nicely ask him to leave.

Then after he gets all moved out and you have all your finances in order [he should continue to pay the bills] then you would deliver a Plan B letter and go into a complete DARK seperation.

Tami, keep this in mind, it is not in his best interest or the best interest of your marriage for him to stay there while he carries on his affair. It only serves to enable him and cements a wayward mentality. He has had his needs met by 2 women for several years now, and he will not give that up easily. That is why you should protect yourself from him.

Tami,

I'm glad ML has jumped in here. This is beyond my experience as I told you long ago. I didn't have to go through this. I have my own special crap to deal with.

How are the kids? I know what you mean about the food bill for the friends. They can return many blessings in your life that way though, for both you and your son.

These feelings of fear, and not being strong, the rock everyone turns to are normal. They don't feel that way to us, you spnd your life working to be the person that people turn to when they need help. It's what makes you pick nursing as a career, but now it's your turn. It's okay for us to need help to, it's just VERY foreign. But you are very early here. It doesn't last forever. You will find yourself again.

Have you ever contacted the Harley's? For yourself? It would probably be helpful, some of the insurance companies also cover the costs or part of them. Maybe a discussion with one of them to lay out your plans for you would be most helpful.

Maybe ML and some of the other's that have gone through Plan A/Plan B and into recovery can help you. Have you been putting together your Plan B?

I'll check in with you tomorrow

Fled

Hi Tami4,

You are correct...there is no working on the marriage when there continues to be contact with the OW.

Obviously there is still contact or why would he know about OW working on getting him to move out and be with her. I can see how you'd justify it because they work together but there are ways for him to work around that.

For your sake and for his, it would be better if he makes up his mind completely!!! You might need to help him with that by moving to plan B. The turmoil in his mind will continue with the way he keeps hanging on to even little bits like looking for OW car etc..

I know you fear that he will be with her and live happily ever after. My guess is that he knowing the OW history that its not going to be a happily ever after type thing. He would be stupid to pick that choice for his life. Evidently that is why he has chosen to keep the marriage but how confusing because has he really chosen the marriage?

Another thought, do you think this could be a midlife crisis thing for him? If he thought it was midlife crisis issue, would he be willing to go to counseling for that type of issue? It is interesting that he has been faithful for so many years then this happens.

Hope I don't get anyone riled up on this site about an excuse like midlife crisis but it kind of makes sense to me and I ran it past my husband and he thought it was a possibility too. Regardless it is not an excuse for your husband to continue his behavior but maybe another thing to look at to help him get out of his dilemma.

Just some thoughts hope I didn't offend anyone.

Denise4

ML,

I know you are right and I have taken steps towards Plan B. Even though my H thinks that b/c he isn't contacting the OW directly, he still isn't involve in an A. But just to be in the same building together with nothing but a wall of pillows separating them is still contact. He sees glimpses of her, smell her perfume and hear the other employee talk about her. He can still get his "fix".

I have told him that I can't do this for much longer. That the efforts he has put out is not enough b/c he is still cake eating. Since his biggest EN is SF, which he can't see having w/me. I don't really see how we are to "recover".

My kids know, they have pieced together the story on their own. My daughter has come right out and asked me about it. So I have told her the truth. My son doesn't want to talk about it, but he has talked to his sister. The OWH know cause the OW moved out, it would be about 4-6 wks ago. My H best friend knows but his family doesn't know but suspect that "something" happened. We are not very close to his family and I don't have an extended family to talk with. I have told some of my close friends. My H employer does not know....but I think most of the employees does. He works for a large retail/grocery store.....these types of things happen everyday.

My mind is already on plan b, but it's my heart that holds me back. I know he's home cause it's comfortable....he can keep the illusions that all is well. I know if I stay in this M as is, i will end up hating him and myself for being weak. I know I deserve much more then this.

Denise--
Thanks for posting....midlife crisis? Maybe...he is 42, daughter moving on with her life....son almost done with high school....and he has not felt adequate with his life's work thus far, he found what he thought was missing with the OW. She made him feel good about where he is in life....I know he has been in contact with some old schoolbuddies....I'm sure he's comparing what they have achieved and where he is.

The bottom line, it doesn't matter. The A happened, it is continuing to happen even if it's from afar. Those feeling he has for her will never be put to rest....and if you read thought out MB.....for some they never "get over it". Do I want to live always wondering if this will happen again? That instead of fully pulling my head out of the sand, I submerge myself with denials and my own "fog"? NO, my survive instinct is too strong for that, that is not to say I won't hang in there until I can't fool myself any longer.

With each passing day, the writing on the wall is becoming clearer. He will need to hit bottom b4 he does anything re: our M. Either return to it or divorce.

Hey ML, be gentle.....I hear you loud and clear. Thanks! I have read many of your posts....you're kinda scary....but in a totally supportive, pull your head out of your A$$ kind of way. But I know it comes from your heart and I personally, like a straight answer. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Fled,

Thanks again....what is your special crap? Can I help....I feel like the taker in this relationship. Please let me know if there's anything I can do to help...even if it's just to give you ((((cyberhugs)))).

Tami

Hey Tami,

MB has saved my sanity. I felt like I was living a nightmare in a world that no one else could understand. On the one hand, the things that many of the people over here on GQ are going through I didn't. My H wasn't "in love" with the OW. His reasons for doing what he did go back to FOO(family of origin, childhood beliefs), facing them full on now, I don't expect him to go there again (doesn't remove the fear though or the need for protection from both of us).
Of course the Ho passed on her STD which has the potential of causing me cancer in the future but that seems to be resolving, but just one of those hanger ons that goes forever.
And then his need for admiration, and no harm/no foul, backfired on him. He isn't as good at suspecting others motives as he needed to be. The whole A was designed for the OW to have the baby that she wanted. Isn't it reasonable to a forty yr old man that a forty year old woman with no children who says she will take care of the birth control(both were married, a little fun, noone wants to be caught-would be problematic for both M's) would be capable of preventing that. Whoa and behold, she's PG on the first F... session. Why you ask? How could this happen? Because she used fertility monitoring to ensure she was her most fertile when she set up the F... session. 3 weeks later, husband wanted to stop the interactions only to discover that her wildest dreams have come true. She gets to be a mama. H was busted, but is a conflict avoider. He felt guilty to her for ruining her M and this happening, Guilty to me and COM for destroying our lives, but did not come forward to me until the OC was 4 months old. So he continued to support her, was there when the baby was born while I had COM shopping for dad for Xmas. He was only slowly coming to the beleif that OW had intentionally set him up (duh).

So, I get to worry forever that this OW will call, or show up. That her child will call or show up. My H does not view this child as his (will probably get assualted by some for that comment) but this evil OW intentionally set out to destroy 2 M's, all four lives in our family, her M and H, and worse yet, her selfishness overruled the needs of the innocent she intentionally conceived in the ugly coupling. The OC will never have a F. Never be a wanted member of a whole family, will know that his M is a [email]sl@t.[/email]
The OW thinks her child deserves everything that my children get. What she forgot is that the most important thing my children get from me doesn't sit in my bank account. They get a mother that put their needs first, including, not conceiving them without the full positive desire of parenthood from both parents. A mother that is loving, firm, MORAL, Ethical. One that can teach them right from wrong without being a hypocrite, and bring a well raised, well'adjusted adult into the work force (she won't work she just lives off the CS and daycare she gets from H, that she lied about needing). This OC doesn't have much of a chance. And trying to bring him into our world won't change that, not as long as she exists in his life. It would only cause the destruction of our own COM and our M.
If she could move on and remarry, have a real man in the child's life that would be a good F. But she doesn't want to coparent. She wants to be the center of the OC life, but eventually that child will ask questions and question her values and authority.
So we live day by day, knowing that at some point in the future, all he11 will break loose again. Hopefully, when it does we will be in a position of unity and strength to deal with it. That is the path we are on, but it is a slow one. We are trying to enjoy as much time together as possible and explore the world with our COM and give them what we wanted to in the first place, but were waiting for the right time (never arrives) to be able to. We ar making the time now, we have to live our lives together now, none of the rest of it matters.

I appreciate the hugs, and no you are not just a taker. You can't give a lot when you are struggling through this. But those of us farther on the path gain from knowing that you can get through this and survive. Recovery is not only about the M but also about the individual. It's about healing in the aftermath of all this crap. Becoming someone you can be proud of. I've lost parts of me that I may never reclaim, but I am gaining parts that may not have lived so much in the moment, and enjoying the world God gave me now instead of waiting.

You wil get through this Tami, one way or another, and you will be okay when you get there. (((Tami4)))

Fled

You are right, he is getting his fix every time he sees her. He can't ever withdraw until he leaves. But you cannot reason with him about this, so it will be important to just set your own boundaries and go to Plan B.


He has no reason to end contact with the OW, Tami, as long as he knows you won't do anything to protect yourself.


I would suggest telling the manager of the store along with their HR Dept. I know this chain and this affair puts them at risk of a sexual harrassment lawsuit. They would not appreciate it one bit. It will also be much harder for them to carry on their affair at work if others know. So, even if they can't take any action beyond a "talk" it will put pressure on the affair when they know others know about this.


I know that it is HARD to do, Tami, but let me assure you that you will feel better in a few weeks than you have in MONTHS. Once you are removed from the situation, you will have a clear head and will be better equipped to make important decisions about your future and the well being of your children.

As it is now, you are eroding your mental health while enabling your H in destructive behavior. Staying together out of FEAR helps no one. It hurts you, your H and your children and increases the odds that your marriage will NEVER recover. You have a much greater chance of saving your marriage if you remove yourself from this situation and protect your mental health.


If there is water leaking in from the roof, it doesn't matter WHERE it came from, only that the leak is stopped. The solution is the same, whether it be from a mid-life crisis or a hang nail.

Tami, I would start laying out a plan with some timelines for Plan B and move forward. I realize it is hard, but that is an illusion to keep you paralyzed. This is like avoiding the root canal because it is PAINFUL when you know it is the solution in the long term. The reality is that IT IS HARDER TO LIVE AS YOU ARE. It is also in NO ONE's best interest to continue along the same path.


Support is right, I will support you in SAVING YOURSELF, I will not support you in harming yourself. That is because I am on YOUR SIDE. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

(((((FLED)))))

I am so sorry. You are truly an amazing human being, your dignity and integrity is something I strive to immulate.

Every good day you can achieve with your husband and sons will tie you together. They say that a single strand of rope is not as strong as several strands interwoven together to withstand the most unimaginable pressures. You are doing that with every breath, every minute, every day, weeks, months and years. If and when OW/OC presents themselves, you would have a network of so strong that it would take an army to get thru it.

Remember also, that the state of your M has changed since all this crap happened, the issues are/have/will be dealt with.

I don't know if I make sense or not but I think you understand what I'm trying to say (not very well).

I believe in you! Your story has touched my heart....and the respect that I have for you has gone to a 10!

We all live with the fear, no matter how brave our outer exterior show. I maybe in the mist of my own crap, but I like to think that I can always be available to be a friend or loan an understanding ear(s).

Just know that when you feel low or alone....I'll be thinking of you. YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!!

Take care of you,
Tami

Thank you Tami,

So.....where do you stand in your Plan B development, are you getting things organized to protect yourself? Because when you are ready with it, then you will need to lay out your boundaries to you WH.

one, I imagine might be absolutely no contact with OW. Then what do you do if he doesn't accept your boundary?? Tell him that you want your M to recover, you want him home, but until he accepts and complies with this because this is necessary for your well-being and the recovery of your M he needs to leave.
2. MC and IC for him and for you as well to help you recover. Possibly for the kids if necessary or the kids and both of you together?
3. define, appropriate/inappropriate relationships with the opposite sex, what's ok what isn't for the future.

you can find many people's ideas of Plan B's and appropriate boundaries searching here. Going through this information and establishing for yourself what is okay and not, acceptable today, tomorrow, forever. is important for your own personal recovery Tami. We each have to know what is okay so that we can be happy, what cannot be tolerated so we can say we have given it our best and I will not accept this (OW/OM) in my M.

Orchid, Melody Lane, Mark have given you some suggestions. Put your thoughts together, and then ask again for guidance when/if you decide it's time to stop the pain. Know that you, also are not alone, and that people here will be checking up on you.

All the best ((Tami))

Fled

Hello?

Fled,

I'm here. I've been just wondering around MB, reading threads and trying to get a handle on my situation.

How are you? I hope the weather where you are, is better then here. Lots of rain...I know unheard of in Oregon. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Things here has been weird. I'm a little confused. This last week has been uneventful...I know that he hasn't worked w/OW last week. She was scheduled but called in. I'm hoping she transferred. Anyways, at first my H was kinda distant. I was actually ready to tell him Sunday that I wanted him to leave. I really don't see a point to cont. with the illusion of what can never be again.

It's been so long since we had been "together" and it just feels like I'm getting OW's leftover. So I was all ready to throw in the towel....call it quits. He must of sensed it b/c he started doing all these extras---cleaned the garage, cleaned the house, made dinner, rearranged the junk closet.

I'm not sure what to make of it. He started being more affectionate towards me, though he's not making the first move. Usually, I either hug him or squeeze his hand, before he would just do the "squeeze, pat,pat" like you would from your relatives. But now he's holding my hand, rubbing my back when he hugs me. It just feels like he's more...I don't know....open to it. Do you think I'm reading more into it?

What if this is a trick? Just enough of an effort to keep me around, but don't have to totally commit 100%. My gut says it's real, but my head says it's a ploy.

This so stupid...we could be having the best time of our lives here. I got a job closer to home, so that we can have time together during my lunch breaks. I thought if I can be around more with him, one on one, we would be able to recapture our fire. That was before the A.

I know you didn't have to deal with this, but in your honest opinion (anyone who reads this), If your spouse lost the "loving" feelings, can they ever get it back? (I mean loving as in physical). And in that same vein...how can you be with WS knowing that the last time they were in this position it was with another person?

I know some heavy thoughts but that's where I am at this point. He's not in the clear yet, we'll see how long this will last. I just don't want to get too hopeful...his timeline would be really short for someone who's been in an A for almost a year. I just don't trust that it's heartfelt.

I have a job eval coming up...it would be 3 months. I'm hoping for a nice bump in my salary....that would enable me to take care of all my needs on my own. Maybe that's his motivation...cause he knows that I can/will be able to take care of myself and the kids. Hmmm just thought of that.

Ohh, ortho stuff here....I saw the coolest thing today. This guy had a bone spur growing out of his leg. Yep, just like a little horn! I didn't know that was possible. Of course he wants it remove!?! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Take care of you,
Tami

Hi Tami,

According to everything I have read here Tami the answer is yes. Does it happen 100%, I don't think so. But it does happen. They have to get through withdrawal first, that's why the complete NC is so important.


This one IS a battle Tami. It takes time, once you return to SF. Thoughts may occur to you and are very painful. Fortunately for me, DH understood. It was the worst when it was the best <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> But it has gotten much better with time. The frequency of those thoughts invading your good time decreases and the effect it has decreases. DH just would hold me when it happened, was very understanding. Not all the WS's are, some get guilty and withdraw. If you have problems with it you have to talk about it, why it hurts. It's also why asking for specific details about the A can be a problem. If you ask for details and you get a clear image of something that image can snap back into your mind when you don't want to see it.

The weather here has changed. We had four inches of snow 10 days ago, 80 the day before. We are running in the 50's with really misty days this past weekend and possibly snow next weekend. We may not go camping like we had planned <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> Oh, well, next time.

Have to go get the kiddo from swim lessons,

take care,
Fled