I'm closing in on our one year anniversary and still have more down days than up. It seems that the ones that are the best I put myself in la la land and just don't really think in general. By not thinking about any of it I can at least function and enjoy parts of my day. Is that healthy and is it going to come back to haunt me. I feel that I will have to be there for the rest of our relationship as I will never see the justification in what he did. Any of the detail bring such anger and resentment.

I have such a battle going on inside on the moral part of this. By the BS staying in the marriage and providing a plesant happy existance for the WS aren't we just allowing it to be justified. Maybe there would be a lot less A's if the WS outright new the outcome would be to loose everyting they take for granted.

DTR

DTR,

Would you consider you're in the anger phase of recovery now? Do you think anything can be justified, really?

You can choose to see anger as a stage of mourning...grieving the loss of your marriage pre-A. Your FWS stayed, I take it, chose you and the marriage, is that correct? We usually feel raw fear until they really do choose to work on recovery and stop their A...and for months, we fear they will choose differently.

When the anger comes, after the fear, there's an ounce of relief in it...like a first sign of healing being an itch...circulation to the wound...cells being repaired and new cells forming. Okay to feel the anger...sure can tank recovery if you react to it.

Is your spouse a FWS now? Or as your sigline says, still in the A? I can't tell...so I'm guessing.

Do you feel taken for granted now? Do you think you can make others not choose infidelities by your choices?

Recovery takes awhile...lots of layers to heal and a new marriage to be built. How's your personal recovery going?

LA

LA
Yes, I think I am in the anger phase and that is why I just try to not think. It is the only way to get through the day without a break down. But is that really dealing with it or extending it? I have been better at not screaming at him or verbally hurting us in the last few months.

I have a hard time with the terms FWS vs WS. What are the rules? I don't think he is actively cheating and he says he isn't so....I guess that is FWS. If someone rapes someone then isn't he a rapest or does he get to be called a former rapest?

In some ways I do feel taken for granted. I surly was during the A as I took care of ever commitment we had at home and he got to do what he wanted. He is focusing on us now but you do have to wonder for how long.

Yes, recovery takes a long time in my head I think it is a lifetime.

Thanks!!!!!
DTR

Any other input on "living in LaLa Land" helps or just entends the pain?

What are the rules on when a WS becomes a FWS? Is it time or talk?
DTR

Look at retribution. I posted something on this a few days ago. Time to go read Harley, now isn't it? Many of the answers are fight there.

Larry

I have read that and the other material on the site. Please pardon my ignorance in all of it.

I was looking for insight on not focusing on the A situation and how that affects the long term recovery. Is that a healthy way to "work" at it. I have given myself a time frame that if I don't feel I can function any beter I will seek medical advise and medication.

I was also just pondering the overall view of society and our "forgivenss" contributing to the increase in A's.

Thanks for your response.
DTR

DTR,

""By the BS staying in the marriage and providing a plesant happy existance for the WS aren't we just allowing it to be justified.""

This is one way to look at it, but it is not the right way to look at the process if you wish to keep the marriage, reconcile with your (F)WH, and try to OVERCOME (not justify) this tragic betrayal.

If your (F)WH is totally remorseful, committed to rebuilding the M, has totally no contact with the OW, and is trying his darndest to make this up to you and make the M stronger than ever, then you must LOOK at you providing this pleasant happy existence as your part in rebuilding the M and, at some point, forgiving his transgression.

Maybe you should stay in la la land until this anger phase diminishes. The anger and resentment are not good things to help rebuild. Agreed?

IMHO

kirk

DTR,

You have not approached the Doc for anti depressants yet? This could be the answer and should not have been your "last resort".

kirk

Krusht,
No, I really hoped that my personal strength and exercise would be enough to get me through. I've always thought of myself as a strong person that could handle anything. This may be the straw that break the camels back.
Thanks
I am in better shape than I've been in years!!!
DTR