Post deleted by bluemonkey

you need to do more snooping to get all the proof you can.
sounds like you have some, do you have enough to confront her so she can't deny it? thats the point of the proof,,they lie lie lie. Never devulge where you got the info from

you said you have kids, you need to protect them, has she taken them on any trips with the guy she picks up?

Read all about plan A and plan B,,the best thing to do is order the book/s,,but you can go to the plan A and plan B forum and get started.

Good Luck.

The symptom is screwing your wife.

What is this guys situation? Is he married? What is your kid situation?


You really mean this? She is still your wife.

You need to confront and then expose, and expose huge. Is there any way you can intervene on this weekends hookup?

Should have posted this in just found out...

Alas, yes I can blame her for this. At the same time, I guess what I'm getting at is that I can understand it. I haven't been there for her emotionally and she's sought out someone else to be there. It makes sense. It's not right, but it makes sense.

I'm pretty sure if I directly confront her she will not lie about it. It's just not her. She keeps things from me, indeed, but she has never lied to a direct question I asked regardless of how bad it is.

Hoo,

I have been trying to catch up a little on your threads from Emotional Needs. There are huge infidelity red flags throughout those posts and I am surprised others did not mention them more forcefully.

You nailed it that she is cake eating and fence sitting. You take care of her needs for home and money and someone else is taking care of other "needs".

Your WW's behavior is textbook wayward spouse fog and babble.

Get your proof together and confront and expose.

Are you still trying to Plan A? Until the affair is dead you will get little to no response from your WW. Killing the affair is now priority one.

Yes, there were a lot of red flags. I guess it's hard to see that when you just want her back, makes it easy to ignore all the signs.

I'm not really in plan mode at all right now, I'm still just trying to figure it all out. Right now I'm leaning towards calmly confronting her when she comes home. However I should probably figure out if I care about what may happen with our marriage at this point.

At this point I'm just about to throw in the towel. I think if she still wanted to make our marriage work, we could handle an affair. However, she's already told me she's done and doesn't want to make it work, and now I find she's having an affair, it would seem like it's futile to keep fighting at this point.

I should also note, like I said two of 'my' kids are not technically mine, they are step kids.

I had been contemplating adopting them before my wife and I seperated, not just for legal reasons but also to make that committment to them. I'm now wondering if perhaps I should approach that and see if I can get that taken care of before I confront her, because afterwards she would likely be less agreeable to it...

Purchase and install a keylogger on the computer, that will catch everything, including all passwords. Google specter pro.

Scour cell phone records and look for the number that pops up most often...that will be his number.

Hire a PI to track her down and get all the evidence you can get, as Waywards lie, and lie extremely well, and will deny anything you can't prove.

Likewise, closely examine all credit card purchases. Look for gifts, lingerie, lunches and gifts. They all leave tracks, if you look in the right places.

Also, purchase a voice activated recorder and hide it in her car. Make sure she doesn't find it! It is illegal in some states.

Start a list of people to whom you will expose this affair. This list should include all her family, close friends, pastor, and anyone who may influence her to stop the affair in any way. If the A is work related, expose her at work. Expose to the circle of friends who will most likely be "friends" of the marriage. But most of all, expose to the OM's wife or SO, and his parents. The PI can help acquire all contact information.

Read everything you can on this site. Learn how to beat this. Time to make a stand for your marriage. Sorry you have a need to be here, but this site can help you through this, with a positive plan, and fewer mistakes.

Best wishes,
SD

She says she is done and does not want to make it work because she is having an affair. Standard wayward poo.

She also says she is not ready to leave yet and would be happy in a little apartment in the basement. Standard wayward poo.

Confront and expose.

Is there anything you can do about her meeting the OM this weekend?

that is obviously what she is saying now but that can change depending on how much you fight for your family.

so that is the question... what do YOU want?

don't let her behavior, espcially right now, make you change who you want to be, what you want to do.

many FWS here will tell you how badly they wanted out at the time and how thrilled they are that their BS fought for the marriage/family.

I know this because I am one such FWW.

i'm sorry for your pain and your need to be here but i hope you can find the hope here to fight for your family. (if that is what YOU want).

prayers to your family.

Find out everything about the OM - right now - and call his wife or girlfrind.

Don't wait.

Exposure makes trouble in turd-land.

Because exposure means the fantasy turns into reality, and their "love" just can't live in the sunshine.

Sort of like vampires.


If you want to save the marriage, confront her about the affair as quickly as you can. I would call her right this very minute, and let her know exactly what you suspect - or better still, hire a babysitter, and go talk to her. If she hasn't already left for the weekend, stop her by confronting her before she goes.

Do not stand idly by and let her go. If you confront her and she goes anyway, expose the second she walks out the door - do not warn her.

She is a typical wayward spouse. What she says is babble. You do have a chance to save the marriage. You need to take action if you want to save it.

And there is absolutely NO way she should be hanging out with you financing her secret love life. If she won't give up the other man, then SHE leave your house. YOU STAY PUT. And your kid stays with you.

Ok, yes, I understand that she is saying these things because of the affair. I was forgetting about that part, and it certainly explains why in a very short period of time we went from 'we just have to fix some things' to her acting scared every time I tried to get us to do something together. It explains a lot.

I guess the big question is, am I willing to wait around still? I don't know yet.

Confronting and exposing... I don't know how I feel about that. I understand that nothing can happen while she is having an affair. Yet at the same time I have trouble wrapping my head around the idea that pissing her off by exposing it is going to leave me with any sort of shot.

Seems there are two basic strategies. First, confront and expose. You piss them off, but you end it and hope that in time they come to their senses. Second, you just ignore it and try to become a more appealing option, waiting for the newness and trouble free romance to wither away. I don't know which approach is better. Of course there is also option three, kick her out of my life...



No. Only thing I could do is call her and tell her I know he's with her and I don't approve. Of course that wouldn't change anything, and based on the past times she's went away it would be a safe assumption she wouldn't even answer the phone.

Call her anyway. Tell her that you know exactly what is going on, that you want her to come home.


Regarding the exposure issue: your marriage can survive her being pi$$ed off. It cannot survive her being and staying with another man.

Go ahead and expose. Tell her family, tell yours. It just matters that you tell them that you love her, want your marriage to work out, and that you are asking them for their support to help her break free from her addiction to this other man, who, by HER OWN WORDS - is a womanizer. He obviously is not a man who will be faithful to her.

She is in a deep fog if she brags about him!

Gosh, my boyfriend has lots of girlfriends.............


hmmmmmmm


That's not a good thing, honey. Wake up and smell the coffee! I just have to laugh at the wayward thinking sometimes!

Sb

You need to get over this or your marriage will be toast.

She's screwing some other guy and you're worried about pissing HER off? Did I miss anything here??

If you have trouble wrapping your head around that idea, read my story and just about anyone else's story who has recovered. Your WW will get over it.

Good lord...

If only I'd ever had the chance 2 pi$$ in my W's and Rat Meat's cheerios when they were off on one of their fantasies. But I never knew until after the PA was over for 3 months.

You have an absolutely GOLDEN oppor2nity right now, so you'd better take it. Call her. Leave a message if she won't answer. Tell her you want her home. Call her grandmother. Make that your first piece of exposure. I doubt she's even going there.

Definitely EXPOSE, and right now. It has been said many times on here: If the WS gets angry, it's a sure sign you did something RIGHT.

Do NOT placate her. Do NOT allow her 2 shag it with this OM one more time without telling her exactly how you feel about that.

Also... ...do NOT have sex with her again until she's been given a clean bill of health. STDs can KILL you.

-ol' 2long

I don't know, I have so many mixed ideas right now <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I've calmed down now. I'm really glad I didn't contact her last night about it, because there is no way I would have been rational. I would have said hurtful things in anger and it would have ended badly. Of course it might have broken up the fantasy weekend, but I have vowed to myself to choose to act rather than react and that means taking time to figure out if I'm sure a course of action is right. I realize that means allowing them to spend the weekend together. Maybe that's a mistake, I don't know, but I do know that I'm still not certain what I want to do and I don't want to react blindly to the situation.

I had a mutual friend of ours come over last night and told him everything. I told him I didn't want to put him in the middle but I really needed someone to talk to. We had a good several hour discussion. Got some interesting perspective. He basically agreed with my philosophy about marriage and told me that he had always felt her defense mechanism against difficult situations was to run, and that he thought that's what she's doing. I agree.

Right now, I think I'm going to confront her when she gets back home. I'll do it in a detached, non reactive, emotional way. I will tell her I know she met up with this weekend and ask some things and hope that if I just listen and don't blame or guilt her, she might open up and talk to me about what she's seeking, what she wants out of relationships and life, etc. I don't know if at this point she'll really be willing to talk to me but I can try. I really just wonder if she feels like she's not capable of handling the stability of a long term relationship, that maybe she just craves that excitement of a new love and feels trapped once that fades.

I'm not going to file for divorce. I plan on telling her that regardless of this, I still care about her and I still want a marriage with her, but that I will not stand in her way if she wants out. I plan to tell her that I know what she's going through, I know it's hard, and that above all I still believe in her and I know she has the strength to make the right choice.

After we talk I'm going to give it some time to sink in. Not sure what I'll do after that, I guess part of it depends on what comes out of the talk when I confront her.

HLV, gosh, I'm sorry to see that this was the reason. HLV, I really want the best for you, and the best chance that you can give your marriage is to listen to these folks who have BTDT and call the Harleys, who can get you on a plan to end the affair and restore the marriage. You have 101 reason why things can wait. Would you be willing to just for two weeks try being a little more proactive here?

I really am feeling so bad for your kids, who've been through a lot already and whose mom doesn't have their best interest at heart. It's hard on an 18 month old to have a parent away for extended periods. She's alays taken the leadership role in the past, right? Right now, HLV, you are the ONLY chance your marriage and these kids have. Are you willing to step up an be the lighthouse?

Does her sick grandma have a telephone? Since most, if not all, cell phones have a caller ID function why not call her cell from Grandma's house. If she doesn't answer, leave a message that you went by Grandmas to see if she needed anything and wondered where she was since she wasn't there. This will most certainly put a monkey wrench in the rest of the weekend festivities. She will, most likely, be too freaked out to enjoy the SF.

Of course she will call you and explain away why she wasn't at Grandma's <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />, but she will probably be paranoid and distracted the rest of the weekend that perhaps she might have just been busted.

I'm going from a BTDT POV. I remember one time FOM and I were at my house just hanging out and my H called from work to ask me something. My H NEVER called me from work and his phone call "ruined" the whole day. I was a paranoid mess and was sure he knew. Ends up he didn't know anything at the time and the call was just a coincidence. It still ruined the day and I sent FOM home. Hindsight, I am very thankful for that call that put a HUGE damper in our plans.

Just a thought.

LC

HLV,

I agree - make a call to her at least. Just throw some rocks at the party. "Why aren't you at Grandma's??????"

Also, you should be EXTREMELY concerned that she is "popping Xanax" with children around. Tell your attorney about this - it will embolden your case for custody of your biological child at least. The combination of alcohol and this drug is extremely dangerous, and she should not be mixing them, and you should not leave her alone with them if you believe she will do it when you leave.

The weight loss is also of concern, if she is losing weight at that rate, you might want to look into why. There may be other drugs involved that you don't know about.

Her behavior sounds reckless.

Definitely install a keylogger - get one on the computer now, while she's out of town. Today would be good.

SB