Bad idea?

Are you hoping to get back together?

NO WAY!!! We have hurt one another so much emotionally. We have tried the counseling and so forth. He has a hard time giving love, or accepting love. It has been 3 1/2 weeks since he has been home. I have been the one talking about sex. Even though we were going through our problems, sex was always WONDERFUL. He just can't give emotionally. I accept that and to be honest, I am glad that he is no longer living in the home because the "expectation" is no longer there. I don't expect him to show me love, or be emotionally connected.

We are still going through with the divorce. Even through I never wanted this, I am starting to enjoy ME and the time I have a lone. I am learning so much about myself too.

At this point, no, I do not want to get together, but find myself wanting him sexually, no emotions involved. Is this wrong? Am I having a hard time letting go?

I just don't know. But no, I do not want to do it with the expecation of him coming back. I know he can not give to me emotionally. I can't ask him of that, and I can't give to him emotionally either.

Sounds like a bad idea to me. Why continue to be physically intimate when there is no emotional intimacy? Is that's what you want - isn't that what lacked in your marriage?

My husband described sex like having a good meal, you can share that with anyone! I never felt very special, and ultimately learned that he was so resentful not having "variety" that he just lived in a secret world where his instincts were satisfied.

I don't think it sounds good for you or your STBXH

but what do I know.....I see my STBXH every week for dinner!

Well, if anything, it was him who was lacking emotionally. I feel I held onto the marriage for as long as I could. But, I am not stopping the divorce. This is what he wants. I told him, that if we are going to do this, ground rules have to be set. So far, the only one, is, if we both start seeing someone else, then, we stop what we are doing with one another.

We also agreed, the kids can not know. We will not let friends know either. He would "sneak" over after the kids are asleep and vise versa, but we both have to be willing and if the other doesn't want to, we don't push or get upset. Just take it as "Not Right Now" I don't know, it is sort of fun to me, all the sneaking around. But then again, I am keeping all my emotions in check. I do not want to discuss the divorce at with him. That is the job of our lawyers. Also, I am not getting my hopes up. I have been there for too long. If anything, we are filling each other's sexual needs.

My husband described sex like having a good meal, you can share that with anyone! I never felt very special, and ultimately learned that he was so resentful not having "variety" that he just lived in a secret world where his instincts were satisfied.

I don't think it sounds good for you or your STBXH

but what do I know.....I see my STBXH every week for dinner!
_______________

dinner but not a good meal?

can you explain what you meant by he lived in a secret world where his instincts were satisfied.

It may be difficult for you to completely separate your physical and emotional needs, especially since you have had emotions for him in the past (even if you are over them now). While it may sound fun, you are in grave danger of becoming emotionally attached again. Even if deep down you want him back, I'd be careful how you go forward with this.

WOF73,

I think it is a really bad idea.

Black/White

Up/Down

In/Out

On/Off

Committed/Entitled

Married/Not married

If you were really attracted to the neighbor, would you have sex with him? Or the guy in the hardware department at Walmart? Or the cute guy in the next cubicle?

Mark

Everyone here is so right. I guess it is the whole "commonality" of it all. Is that even a word?

Are there any leavers here who have actually went back to their spouse for sex? If so, what where you intentions?

And to the one who didn't want the marriage to end, did you, at one time, allow your spouse back in? Did it do anything to you or to your spouse????

WOF73,

I think it is possible to not only allow the WS back into one's life, but to reconnect and even remarry one day. I have friends who did just that. They got married 17 years and 1 day after their divorce was final.

But both of them had grown up a lot and had changed a lot of the things that had led to the divorce in the first place, not least of which was always trying to fix and change each other.

Dr Harley even suggests that a marriage might be recovered for up two years after a divorce is final. I just think that there have to be permanent changes made by both parties that go deeper than ending an affair.

But remarrying is not the same thing as having sex with the ex...

Mark

..so he can share it with 'anyone' - sounds like you're just 'anyone' to him. He apparently is a very selfish person - does he also believe in 'open marriage' too?
I believe I'd tell him to HIT THE ROAD JACK.
JMHO.
You're only letting yourself open for even more heartache and hurt.

Terrible idea - I know because I did it. The difference is that I always was hoping that it might bring us back together. Sex was wonderful between us also, but it meant more to me, so ultimately I set myself up every time.

Another problem - even if you can keep emotions out of it. You are not allowing yourself to heal. D is very painful and boundaries need to be set. You will not be able to start your "new" life over if you are continuing certain behaviors.

Definitely a dangerous road with no lasting benefits.

Well, I have to say, I wrote this post before we did it, and have since have. I wanted to, but now feel like I miss him so much and want to be with him. NO MORE. I can't do it anymore. I do need to heal. I just can't imagine myself with anyone else. If I hold onto that, I will never be able to move forward. I need to let him go. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

i wish i had seen this post before you "did it"... my ex and i did once, i thought the same as you did, that we could at least just have sex. it was my way though of hoping at the time that if he was getting it with me he wouldn't get it elsewhere. it was awful. i felt terrible afterwards. it was like, just sex, and he left. i felt cheap and used. and he was still my husband at the time!

we both agreed that could not happen again.
when you have been married you cannot help but have emotions involved with that person. you just can't.

my ex and i had a good sex life too, but you will find that with someone else, in an exclusive relationship, when you are ready. in fact, exbf and i had a fabulous sexual relationship, far beyond what i EVER had with my ex.

hugs, i am sorry, but maybe you had to do it just to see that you could not do it....

mlhb

Some of the Christian counselors I've read about on these sites will actually encourage those separated to have sex, as a way of bringing them closer in hopes of their reconciliation. Your name is womenof faith on this site, I haven't read that many of your posts but is that because of your faith? When you say "he can't meet your emotional needs" what do you mean? And why are you giving up all hopes of reconciling yet you'll have sex with this man? Did this event make you feel close to him at all? If he really wronged you that bad I can't imagine you would want sex with him let alone, the feelings that might have gone with it. This might be something to consider, based on your feelings at the time. No one is perfect, not everyone is going to perfectly meet our emotional needs, if you are a woman of faith going to church, getting support groups, reading, praying might help, no husband can meet every need. And Christians are to be more concerned with giving and then the rewards come back. How much giving did you do, were you meeting his needs? What were they? Did the counselors even help you define the issues in your marriage - some counselors are awful and if real work wasn't done with a good counselor you could get another opinion here. A divorce isn't a divorce until it's final... and I think your thoughts could be indicative of something more then just physical, but I don't know you or him.

Now I remember you say he cheated on you repeatedly and then asked for a divorce and you wanted him back. I think you need to look hard at what you are doing here, if the man's been this much of a jerk - and if you set some boundaries here - so that he won't be such a pig, even to the next woman he dates, sex is OUT. You are saying he treated you with such disrespect, then sex isn't a way to get respect out of this man, nor is it a way to respect yourself while leaving such a marriage. You seem quite desperate, men dont' respect women who are desperate - they walk all over them. Even if you don't feel this way, when you interact with him, try to behave as confident as you can. Crying, whining, sex, etc isn't gonna work if this is how you are trying to "get him back."

Yes, I am a Christian. I am aware that he can't meet all of emotional needs. I do believe in turning to God.

I guess I haven't given up all hope. This past week we have spent more time talking, not about us, but about our kids, and we are still going through with the divorce process, although it has been 2 weeks since I signed the summonds and complaint agreement. I have since counterclaimed what he is filing for.

We have gotten intimate 2 times now, and we have also spent some time talking to one another either through email or text messages. He never used to respond, but seems to be making an effort now. Although I am the one who always makes the first move. I had an appt with our DR and so did he. As he was walking out, he noticed me in the waiting room. He turned around and said, "hey" Then we just had small chit chat and as he was leaving he says, "Text me or email me when you get back to work."

Today I was at home sick. I text him to tell him and he asked if there was anything that I needed. I told him OJ and he brought me some a few hours later. I just don't know what to think about all of this.

I would love to say that the D isn't going to happen. But, it seems that things are still going to be moving forward. We are preparing to move out of this house...and he is going to come over to help us prepare for the sale.

I told him yesterday that I wish he was still here. He asked me. "What do you mean? Here for good?" (as in back in the house) I told him that I better not answer that. So, I didn't.

I care for him so much. Although I would love for him to come home, I think that the both of us need to go through this first. We both have to be on our own to figure out what we want and where we want to be. I just know that God is going to lead every step of the way.

I do not regret being witn him those 2 times. If anything, it was nice, comfortable and we both enjoyed one another, as we have in the past 14 years. After all, we are still married. But, there is no talk of reconcilation at this time.

Where to go from here? I don't know.

Okay, I am sorta lost as to where you are coming from Horsey....My H has not cheated on me...he had an EA with a girl many years ago that lasted several months. I too did the same thing, an EA, but NO TIME DURING OUR MARRIAGE did we have a physical affair. I guess it is a form of cheating, but that was the only time that others were involved.

As far as having sex with him, I called him up last Thursday and told him that we have got to stop. Our relationship has taken a turn and it seems that we both are much closer now, as friends, than we were in the marriage. It is so weird and hard to explain, but I see it as a good thing in a way. We are still going through with the divorce, he has plans to find a more permanent place to live, as do I. I am in the process of putting house on the market and looking for an apartment in which the boys and I can live.

We talked about things, I told him that it is extremely hard for me. I told him I want things to go back to the way they were. That we need to keep our conversations strickly business and about the children. He seemed really down and hurt. He said to me, "I think it is great that we can be friends and talk. This is the most we have been able to talk to one another in a very long time." I too agree, but the sex part of it all is so confusing. I asked him, "Why do you think it is okay for us to do that? Why, if you don't want to be married any more, do you want to continue to do that? How can this be so easy for you????" He said, "This is the hardest thing I have ever done. It isn't YOU that I had a problem with, but the marriage. We have hurt eachother way too much and need to grow up." I asked him if there was another chance for us, and he said that not right now. I then said, "Then why do you think it is okay for us to sleep together?" He said, "You are all I have known for the last 14 years of my life." I don't know how to take this comment.

Yes, I am all he has known, but why, does he feel it necessary to walk away? Give up? Move forward? How in the world can this be good for us??? He even said that he doesn't know what the future holds and he doesn't want to tell me to wait for him to get his act together. He said that wouldn't be fair to me. I so agree with him.

I miss him so much....his phycial presence in our home. Yet, I look forward to the days when we do see eachother because they seem to be so much better. He really looks at me now, and talks to me, and I do the same with him. We both are in shock at how nice we are being to one another.

We haven't had to deal with the lawyers now for 3 weeks. I counterclaimed and so far, nothing else has happend. I am not sure why. I know he has to see his lawyer about my counterclaim but has been so busy with work.

The other night, I had some friends over. My STBXH and I have been talking via text messaging. We will talk about anything. He asked me what I was doing and mentioned coming by to see me. I told him I had my girlfriends over and I may even go out, but am not ready to. He asked my, "why don't you?" I told him that I was invited to go out with a male co-workers of a friend of mine, and that I am not ready to do that yet therefore didn't. He said "Oh, I didn't know you knew anyone who worked with B_____." I told him, "I met some of her co-workers last week.

He later text me and asked me if I wanted anything from Taco Bell. I was like, Okay....Uh...WHy are you asking? He then said, "Hurry, I am at the window." I ordered some food and he came over.

It was weird to have him here, he just stopped by, even with my friends over to have some food. I stepped outside and said to him, "That was really nice." He said, "I was in the neighborhood so I thought I would ask." I gave him a hug and he left.

After that, I walked back inside and my girlfriend said to me...."He is so checking up on you!!! He wanted to see if you were really home!" (Because of the mention of going out with some male friends.) I just didn't understand it, maybe he was just trying to be nice?

I just don't want to get my hopes up. I miss him so much, but know I have to draw the line. Do I allow him to do stuff for me? Should I offer to do stuff for him? It seems that the past week, we have really been helping one another out...whether it be with the kids, or little favors like running to the store. Is it wrong of me to do stuff for him? Is it wrong of me to accept when he wants to do somthing for me?

I just don't want this divorce. But at the same time, I am ready to start new...a new me to grow into the woman I am supposed to become...but my heart is VERY guarded. I am sure it will be for a long long time.