Post deleted by k468180

Welcome K4, to MarriageBuilders...

Have you read the articles which are linked to the right of your screen...Basic Concepts, Emotional Needs (ENs), Love Busters (LBs) and The Four Rules of Marriage?

In the Four Rules, there is the Policy of Joint Agreement. You are asking your wife to do something that she believes will cost her...would be a sacrifice...not great for your marriage.

How important is this EN to your marriage? What if you got up an hour earlier to see her for an hour dressed up? Can you find out if part of this desire comes from feeling number one in her life, wishing she would want to impress you more...which means you kind of switch places with the "others" who are not in your marriage...so yes, you get to be the one she fears in judgment, wants to fit in, and trade off feeling comfortable, connected and vulnerable with...

Guess what I'm saying here is be careful what you wish for...you are the only one who can share with her your own why...why this is an issue for YOU (and it is your issue, not hers)...why it's important now, how important and what it symbolizes emotionally.

I wouldn't ask for what you want if you don't know all this...so you know what you may lose when you only see gain.

I don't believe for a minute that she dresses up for other people to meet their ENs...or that she wears wet clothing FOR her family...your perspective that what she does is about others...doing for them...comes from your own perspective.

Check it. Check and know your own stuff...share what you find out honestly with your partner...not for her to fix or change...so she can know you...all of you.

Do you do listen and repeat (empathetic listening)?

What you want isn't unreasonable, weird or wrong. Knowing why you want...because it turns you on...and if it turns you on at HER expense...which means you are actually making withdrawals from her love bank...does that STILL turn you on?

Sexual Fulfillment (SF) is an Emotional Need...understandable these issues are important, real and have real emotional responses in you. Doesn't mean she's doing or not doing anything to you to cause this...you're feelings are valid. They are yours.

When you get to your own whys of your desires, please share here...because that's what transcends us from separate, equal human beings in a relationship...into partnering each other in a great marriage.

Without that...then you're each earning each others' love...conditional on the correct actions, correct thoughts, correct feelings and beliefs...instead of loving each other from choice, filling up and over flowing with love...and knowing you're her top priority, her rock, comfort, mainstay and life...which is really very sexy.

LA

Post deleted by k468180

A couple of this stand out to me. Most notably, you seem to think all of her actions are either for or against you in some way. For example, you say that she would spend time wiht her parents over you. Maybe she just wants to spend time with her parents. She probably doesn't think of it as an either/or situation. Do you go with her to visit her family?

With respect to the clothing, depending on where she works she may be required to "dress up". I can tell you from experience that women's clothing are torture devises (especially the shoes but even the skirts, nylons, bras etc.). If she's been wearing them all day, she wants them off. So when you ask, what is at her expense, it could simply be her comfort. Unfortunately, sexy and comfortable are complete opposites when it comes to fashion. How about making a special date with her out to a fancy restaurant or somewhere where she would be expected to dress up? And not on a week night, but a Saturday or sometime when she hasn't worked all week.

And finally, your perspective that you are not her top priority is probably not as true as it seems. But she probably doesn't know how to make you feel like you are. She may in fact think that if she slacks off cleaning the bathroom, you'll be disappointed in her - she could be interupting the conversation in an effort to please you more. You really need to be able to communicate well with each other if you are going to fully understand what each other's needs are.

K4,

"What could I lose?"

Good question.

What if...it was a big love buster...you saying, "You don't do for me what you do for others. I want equal treatment." And she hears, "You are an object to me...I only care about your appearance...wet or dry...as a reflection of me. You don't exist."

What could you lose?

I got myself into that kind of a mindset...that's what I heard from my DH in our marriage, when he saw them as thoughtful requests.

Wasn't really about right or wrong, was it?

Wasn't about reasonable or unreasonable.

It was my own thoughts, feelings, beliefs and perceptions at work...which are solely mine...not about anyone else.

And his stuff was equally valid...and equally his.

When my DH got into therapy, he began to answer his own why do I wants...and discovered he was a sex addict...extremely hard for him to own and share with me...had to do so in the safe counselor environs...life finally clicked for him.

As a lot of young males, pornography was just something men did, like swearing, scratching...not seen as a way to disconnect from other humans...to insulate...and as it does, gave him the perspective (training his mind) to see women separately...females as mothers were whole...females as sexual partners were not...too scary...laid them flat into two-dimensions...which felt sexy. Safe is really sexy.

I'm not saying you're addict...I'm asking to see if you your SF, an EMOTIONAL NEED, is being met in a symbolic or mechanical way...you make others be your turn ons...instead of the EN BEING a turn on...the connection between you...her meeting your FS EN, and all the others, as being the real turn on...

So you're both three-dimension people to each other...and you love, are turned on by her essence and she loves you, is turned on by your essence...mutuality.

What is at her expense? Read Tabby's post...if dressing up all day at work and looking forward to coming home, feeling physically comfortable, and you say, "Another two hours isn't too much to ask"...there is a cost. First, what are you willing to do for two hours for her? Equal trade here?

Will you watch the kids for two hours? How about a chick flick...read a book...wash and fold the laundry...talk to her mother...what are you willing to negotiate for?

Maybe that would tell you how important these actions are to you...asking yourself to do something you wouldn't have done otherwise?

Same for wet clothes...for each opportunity she has to provide this, what are you willing to do for her? Each time?

Often in marriage we are not the others' top priority...part of the deep love comes a blind reliance and trust...our awareness (when we are aware from fear) goes down...we're partners now, not enemies. Ironically, when our vigilance declines (and it's highest during dating, courting and the first few years of marriage), then we do seemingly become each others' enemies, gradually.

There are three parts of your marriage...there is yours, hers and The Marriage. What would you feel if her top priority were The Marriage...not you...the marriage?

Next, is SHE your top priority? Do you do for your marriage what you don't feel like doing for your partner? Do you have healthy boundaries, know all your acts of love, and protect your marriage?

I had to understand that resentment was my highest priority...it came in under my own radar. I created, maintained and grew it instead of my marriage. That's where I'm coming from...I focused on what my DH didn't do for me...felt less loved, not a priority...in fact, last place. I chose to believe he was consumed with his work...rather than choosing to believe he worked to meet my FS EN. FS wasn't a top EN for me because he met it so well.

Can you list all the ENs she meets really well? Are you letting in all her love deposits? Hard enough for us to see our priorities...because we may tell ourselves it's one thing and yet not act as if it is...harder still to see and judge what our partner's priorities really are...isn't it?

What if she fears losing her FOO (family of origin...I use this instead of "family" because YOU are her family now) more than you...because you are safe, accepting, loving and she believes in your love more? Not a preference for her FOO...rather, a beck and call fear?

Until you really know...can hear her stuff as hers...not as a reflection of you...then you're assuming from her actions what she thinks, feels, believes and perceives, aren't you?

DJs are Disrespectful Judgments...you can read about them in Love Busters by Harley. Honestly, we are taught to assume to know in life...nothing wrong or bad...just really harmful to our relationships. Not knowing why she won't act on your desires in these two ways isn't awful...rather benign, really...assuming why will give you intense emotions (signals), assuming as you are, like rejection, abandonment, being taken for granted and ignored.

Ouch.

Up to you to know what you know from what she shares...and not know what you don't know and be okay until you do. How well do you listen and understand what she feels and thinks? Do you hear her stuff (what I call thoughts, feelings, perceptions, beliefs and perspectives) as hers? Or about you?

Everyone who comes to MB is responsible for changing their lives...not others. We cannot make others make us complete. We come to know we already are complete...and learn about our stuff better, deeper...and so it reflects in our marriages...often takes us from surviving to thriving.

Learning to use "I" statements is one of the first things I learned. "I feel abandoned, not a top priority" is ownership. "You don't make me a top priority" has no ownership. The second way is what we're taught...what we heard growing up...the first way is what we learned in our adult experience...we can feel abandoned...it's real...doesn't mean it's true.

Our truth is not the truth.

Hope this helps...many, many people come here asking how to change their spouses...and they come to understand changing their own actions and beliefs makes all the difference.

You're not alone.

LA