Hello all. A couple years ago, I had solicited sexual services on a message board. This of course, outside of my relationship.

I don't know why I did it, perhaps I was frustrated in my relationship at that time or whatever, but I honestly can't pinpoint why I did it.

I have taken responsibility for posting the messages and I never followed through on them. My girlfriend, while searching through my e-mail, etc. found the postings and a fight ensued.

Ever since then, she takes every opportunity she can to jab at me. For example, she woke up this morning and had dreamt that I hated her. She instant messaged me at work and implied that she had such a dream because of my past indiscretion.

I comply with everything she has requested, but she still cannot find a way to forgive and to try to build trust.

I love her, but she's really driving me away. How much should I put up with before I have to save my sanity?

Please help. I don't feel that I deserve this. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/teary.gif" alt="" />

First, please change your screen name. I was offended the minute I saw it, before even reading your post. That name is insulting and condescending towards your girlfriend - no wonder your relationship is such a mess.

Change the name and then we will try to help you.
Mulan

She needs to find another boyfriend and you need to find another girlfriend. This job interview has failed the test.

Can I insult him? Please?

Wow.

Brutal.

BrokenNLost ????

Mulan what am I missing?

Sorry krusht. Out of respect for the other poster, I have changed the name. I certainly didn't mean to offend anyone.

Already changed it, krusht (I think).


You looked around because there were problems in your relationship. She's hassling you now because there are problems in your relationship. You can either try to figure out what they really are or give up and move on. Mel is telling you to move on.

Melody Lane is advising you to move on because if you are not married and the two of you are doing this poorly together, there is not much hope for a marriage. Dating someone is like giving them a "job interview" for marriage, and so far this "interview" has not gone well.

Can you give us some more info? Do you consider yourselves engaged? Do you live together? How long have you known each other? Have either of you been married before?
Mulan

Yes Mulan, we are engaged to be married and have two beautiful boys together. In addition, I bring one girl and she brings one, each from previous relationships.

We live together, and have been together for about 6 years.

I have been married before. My former wife had an affair with someone that she met in an online game. The divorce took nearly 5 years due to legal errors and an ugly custody battle.

I was hoping that there might be others out there that have gone through such a situation. Obviously, I made a huge mistake. I've apologized and made changes in my lifestyle to help rebuild the trust, but the part that makes it difficult is the constant "reminders" that she offers on a nearly daily basis.

Is there such a thing as "forgive and forget"? ... or is the reality "accept apology, but never forget?" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

If you are both so unhappy, why cement the deal with a committment? If I test drive a car and it breaks down and makes me miserable, I am sure not going to buy it. Why would you buy the car? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Read Harleys stance on shacking up: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5025_qa.html

OK..so in a nutshell...

Your former wife had an affair...

You started dating and in fact shacked up with this woman while you were still married on paper [safe to say that the midst of a custody battle not really you at your best judgement?]...

Then you started looking to cheat from this commitment you haven't really made...

And you are plowing ahead even though she is bitter and hatefull because...why exactly?

Broken

welcome to marriagebuilders..where the way this forum work is that you formulate a plan and try your hardest to fix the issues at hand....

you need goals

my suggestion is get yourself in marriage counseling where you establish much much better forms of communication with your wife to be.,,,

if she does not agree to counseling
call the wedding off
and get a lawyer....

you have to break this cycle and hurtfu habit now

asap

the question how much PUNISHMENT

my answer is

NONE

what is your intimacy level
what it your time spent together
how often are you two argueing fighting

your kids deserve an honest attempt at this
you need a good counselor to make it happen...

also you may want to change your answer that you don't know why you did,,

that may be the root of her fears

ark

What ark said.

You have children together, and you owe them a better attempt than you have been making (both of you).

'Punishment'?

What makes you think that she has to suffer the consequences of YOUR selfish imoral choice all by herself?

She's lost trust in you BECAUSE you betrayed her trust.

She is having difficulty trusting you again BECAUSE you haven't even bothered to discover what caused you to choose to betray her. THAT is YOUR RESPONSIBILITY! Go to counseling and do whatever it takes to find out what you told yourself to give yourself permission to betray her. She SHOULDN'T trust you again until after you do that!

She had a nightmare BECAUSE she is worried about what you did, why you did it, and if you will do it again.

And you are whining because you don't care that she is hurt and worried BECAUSE of what you did, you just want her to suffer more secretly and not bother you with it?!?!?

She can deal with the consequences of a choice you made by yourslef without taking her into consideration, but you can't deal with the CONSEQUENCES (not 'punishment')?

IMHO you shouldn't get married to anyone until you grow up and start taking responsibility for your own choices AND the consequences.

There is a very good article here at this sight about compensation. You complain about how long it will take... Instead you should be asking what can you DO to repair the damage you've caused.

Also, you shouldn't have gotten involved with somebody new until you were divorced.

You wrote "I have taken responsibility for posting the messages and I never followed through on them. My girlfriend, while searching through my e-mail, etc. found the postings and a fight ensued."

I think she needs reassurance that you can be fully trusted. Have you given her all your emails accounts and passwords? Are you reassuring her when her fears reappears that you would not hurt her in any way like you did in the past? Are you giving her understanding that her fears are legitimate, since you broke her trust? Have you given her any reason to not trust you on some other occasions? Also, do not forget that forgiving does not necessarily equals forgeting.