I have not called her and she has not called me.

You have no control over her. You can only control YOU.

Remember, she's an addict. She's going to react as any addict would if you are threatening to take their fix away.

You remain cool, calm and collected at all times. You are no longer speaking to "your wife". You are speaking to a "temporarily insane" wayward, who will forsake everything for the bad choices she's made.

Get the book, Surviving an Affair and read it before she comes home tonight.

I ordered the book, it will be here tomrrow. It's not in stock at any local bookstores or I would go out and buy it now.

Good plan hooloo

except........


DON'T let her know exactly WHAT you know OR how you got that info.

If you reveal your source you will lose it. She'll merely go further underground.

Just let her know you have positive proof and let her wonder what and how. You can give her some hints if you can do so without letting her know how you know. You might even insinuate "You know not ALL people approve of what you are doing!"

Don't reveal your source and DON'T let her know about this site.

Nerly made a good point - let her guess where and how you found out. You are not in front of a judge eh? You don't have to provide any proof.

I found this on basics for attacking infidelity. It may not fit in your situation fully but for the earlier stages of infidelity - it does break it down in simple pieces.

) Make the affair a hard place
2) Make leaving the marriage hard
3) Make the marriage attractive

1) Make the affair a hard place
This is done by not enabling the affair.Refuse to pay for or do the babysitting. Stay home next weekend. Protect the family's assets from the affairees' . Your accounts could get plundered
Expose to whoever can influence her positively.
Basically affairs thrive in the dark. Do you think your WW wants others to know she has been taking romantic weekends with the OM? If she carries on with her affair/actions then dont hide it from others.

2) Make leaving the marriage hard
Make HER leave if it reaches that stage (later). You do NOT leave your house. Nor your bed.

Research divorce. She obviously is already afraid of being on her own without your financial support. Make sure you know your rights. Like does infidelity factor? Does it affect custody? What can you do to get prime custody? Can you juggle a budget where you pay a nanny rather than CS and alimony? Will D force you two to change homes and neighbourhoods? Do the research - knowledge is power.

Never threaten D. Allow her to do that. But if she does then make sure she knows it won’t necessarily be all nice and friendly.

What you want to do is try is create an environment attractive to R.

3) Make the marriage attractive
Read about the Plan A. Start exercising and working on you.
Perhaps Offer MC – not to save the marriage from her affairs but to “create the marriage and relationship we both want and deserve”. Remember you deserve better. You should never have to share your wife with another.

This is just something I stumbled on. You have received a lot a great feedback. BTW - your plan looks good. Having a plan of action puts you in control .

Good luck and let us know how it goes. One never knows how confrontation will go.

This is one thing I'm grateful for, we've always maintained seperate accounts. The only financial burden we share is the house, and she can't afford to keep it if she were to kick me out. At this point I basically pay the mortgage and all home expenses anyway, so if she were to move out it would have no bearing on me financially. So worst case scenario, I don't have to worry about finances.

I am definately not moving. And I'm not leaving my bed. I'm not going to threaten her that I will make the divorce difficult, but I will tell her that I don't want a divorce and I won't be a part of it.

Evidence is overated. You KNOW she's cheating. How exactly does building more evidence help you?

HLV,

Sounds like a good plan.

When you tell her you know, look her straight in the eyes, and tell her simply,

"I know that you are having an affair with OM."

"I know that it has been going on since at least last month."

"Don't try to deny it, because you are wasting my time and your time."

"Now, let's talk about what we can do together to make this marriage recover and be stronger, and make it a great place for BOTH of us to be."


That would be a good opening. It makes her understand that you know, and your position right from the start.


SB

Of course you need to feel comfortable that you have enough proof, especially if there is another betrayed spouse to expose the affair.

However, I will warn you that the waywards usually won't admit anything unless you have caught them red handed. I had hotel bills when my ex was supposed to be at work. He claimed he called in sick and went secretly to the hotel to "think".

The best idea is a keylogger. That way you will see what they write.

I'm afraid she will develop some excuse for the lingerie.

I am one who agrees with you on the evidence. I had little but suspicions, and times she was unaccounted for, and flimsy excuses. Nor did I know who the OM was. It was not till I recorded a land line conversation between them that I got the evidence I needed, and it took a while to get that.

Even then, he was just a "friend". Right.

If you don't have confidence in the evidence you have, and it's rather circumstantial, she'll deny everything, and it puts you in a weaker position, in my humble opinion.

If I had to do it over again (and I won't), I would hire a PI, let him get the goods, make copies and save the originals in a safe place, and confront with indisputable evidence. But that's just me. Others feel the fact you "know" is sufficient.

Do what you are comfortable with, what you feel will give you the most leverage. Many waywards have been caught with voice activated recorders placed in the wayward's car. That might be your next step?

Good luck tonight... stay COOL!

You might want to put the lingerie aside. Later you could get it tested for semen. That is foolproof.

She might be suspicious that you're on to her, and so would not take the chance to contact the OM while you're in the home.



More likely she's going to either wait for them to be asleep or arrange for them to be elsewhere so she can have some mommy-OM time. I am speaking from experience here. During her A, when I traveled on business trips, my FWW made arrangements to have the kids be elsewhere so she can have some time with the OM in our home.

If I was you, I'd sneak the lingerie out of her closet/drawer and have it tested, though it is probable seeing that she's being so careful that she washed it already.

Whatever you do, make sure that you don't alert her to your suspicions and snooping until you're ready to use the Exposure Bomb.

Maybe but....

It is a very good chance she will deny and deny and call you a crazy paranoid fool. Be prepared for that. Keep your poise.

Get a digital voice activated recorder or two and plant them around the house for whenever you are out. Be sure to put any alarms on the recorder on silent.

"Going out with the girls" probably means "going out with the OM". An active WS will likely not pass up the opportunity for some alone-time with the OP.



Are you prepared to tell your mum why? Because she's likely to ask that. Your WS will also likely realise that you're on to her if she asks your mum to babysit, and your mum says no, and your WS works out why in any conversation following that.



Drop a spanner in the works by letting her know that you plan to call the kids sometime in the afternoon, sometime when you think she might be looking to drop them off by a sitter for a few hours.



Leaving your home, getting a hotel room and then watching out for strange cars seems a bit "stalkerish" to me. You could just cancel the trip if possible. If she asks why, let her know that there's something on your mind that that you need to discuss with her.



My opinion: I think all BS's are like that at some point. We have nagging doubts in our minds that we are reading the signs wrong, that our WS's are actually not betraying us, that it's all a mistake, and unless we actually see them in the act of betrayal, we can't be REALLY sure that they are cheating. I don't know - some call it "BS Fog", but I think it's just instinctual - we are trying to protect ourselves from something that we know is likely to cause a huge amount of emotional hurt.



Active WS's don't stick to any principles unless they are self-serving.

There's one more thing I'd like to suggest: it's time to start documenting everything, and gathering as much factual evidence as possible. While you are apparently wanting to recover your M, you also need to face the possibility that it might end up in D, and in that situation you would want to ensure that the specifics of her adultery can be proven. I like the digital recorder idea, not just to capture evidence of her A, but to record what she says when you confront her about it.

DO NOT REVEAL YOUR EVIDENCE OR YOUR SOURCES. You will need those for a long time to come to monitor the affair.

She will try to deny in the face of OVERWHELMING evidence.
Even if you had a private eye follow her and had pictures she would lie about it!

She will spin the argument to being ABOUT YOU NOT TRUSTING HER, to get you off the topic of her affair.

She will try ANYTHING to get you off track. She will tell you "he's just a friend".
She will tell you the marriage is OVER.
She will re-write the entire history of your relationship.
She will use anger to manipulate you into ending the talk.

You must remain confident, calm, and stay on track.
Your message must be end the affair. We can work on our marriage. I will not leave. I will not divorce you.

Make it clear that she will have to do all the work, if she wants to divorce you -- that you will not cooperate with her whatsoever. Make sure she knows you will not lie for her. You will not be amicable, co-parents, or friends if she pursues a divorce. It will be ugly. Make sure she knows what she is choosing.

Do not threaten her with exposure - just quietly do it. Otherwise she will beat you to the punch and disable your credibility.