Ok folks, just started the confrontation procees.

Prepare for the lies and the justification.

Prepare for her to say "it's over".

Prepare for nuclear anger from her.

Prepare for her to provoke you beyond your wildest dreams. A husband that loses his temper helps her validate her current "delusional thinking".

Prepare for her threating most anything, including leaving and taking the kids.

Prepare to hear how awful your marriage has been for the last 117 years! LOL...WS's love to re-write history.

Stay calm.

Stay on your mantra...I don't do divorce. I am 50% responsible for the state our marriage was in, and for that you APOLOGIZE, and begin changing those things about you that were not conducive to a good marriage.

Do not allow her to provoke you to anger.

Do not make any promises NOT to EXPOSE, or any other promises. Likewise, do NOT THREATEN to expose, or she'll pre-empt you by telling all exposure candidates "not to be surprised that her crazy, jealous husband suspect she's having an A, and nothing could be more ridiculous", and you'll end up looking like a nut-job! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Don't apologize for snooping. Or promise not to do so in the future. HER actions provoke the need for you to snoop, and until you find her trustworthy, you may do so in the future.

Expect a firestorm of mixed and complex reactions from her, and stay cool in the face of the fire! It could be an UGLY night.

Stay in your home and stay in your bed.

Assume a stance of indifference to her emotional outbursts. This is NOT your W, this is a WW, an addict, who is not thinking normally or rationally.

You will hear the very BEST of Fog Babble during this confrontation. This is when a Wayward utters the "classic" lines you'll remember for years. Listen closely for tidbits that have some truth, especially when she begins on how the marriage is dead because YOU did this or that. THOSE may be some of the things you will need to work on, and change, to be a better husband. However, MOST of what she says will be PURE FOG!

You are in for a long night..... STAY COOL!

Best wishes,
SD

I am expecting to hear that it's over, and it's not because of the affair but just because I'm not who she needs and she can't be happy with me. Which is BS of course, but she's clearly in a fog.

Use Orchid's Fog Babble.

"So you're telling me that in a few short weeks you have met your Soul Mate, and life with him would certainly be heavenly, in spite of the fact that you'd be giving up a marriage of ____ years and full access to raising OUR children?" Uh huh?!

"So you think that since your affair partner is the end all to all your dreams, there won't be a few issues down the road when your R with him faces the light of day, a 25 YO single guy having kids around, bills to pay, child care to arrange and the reality of LIFE making it's impact?!!!

Throw the illogical statements right back at her, using her words, and do so in a non-threatening and non-judgmental manner. Let her hear her own fog! But be neutral in your delivery.

You CANNOT teach a WS anything, because in the FOG they cannot HEAR you. They just hear their own TAKER telling them how to JUSTIFY the A. So don't even try. Just use their own illogical statements in reverse. You might want to practice it before you chat with her again. It takes a little practice and training to get it down, but when you do, it leaves their head spinning.

WS's are living in a whirlwind of confused thoughts. The more fodder you can provide to keep the confusion at a high level, the better. Without trying to teach, of course.

Best wishes,
SD

You need to find out if the OM has a GF or significant other, and get ready to expose to her. That will be the single most effective exposure possible. If he does not have a SO, then find out who his parents are, and prepare to expose to them.

Critically important to do this!

SD

Man... I am in just about an identical situation.

do -not- follow my example.. I've done things all wrong and am now in a viscious battle for my son.

I still want to save my marriage but she has all but eliminated all avenues for conversation about 'us'. Seize the moment while you have the chance, and LISTEN to these guys.. hopefully you can save your marriage before she walks out the door.

OM is a player? Right.
She said that to throw you off. So she can tell you that he has lots of girlfriends, he just needs me as a FRIEND.
Blah blah blah...

Is that 25 year old college student ready to take on a woman with 3 kids?
HAH! Bet not.

Call him up and ask him what his plans are with your wife?

Seriously, don't fear her leaving. What is she leaving to?
A boy who can't/won't support her? Family out of state.
Shuffling kids around?

And by the way -- prepare yourself for custody of those kids until her mind clears!

You need to be ready to expose this to her family and friends, your family and friends, etc...

Everyone is right...she's going to be LIVID with anger. Perhaps not...one mistake you've made is in tipping your hand before the conversation.

She's going to spend all day today preparing her story for you and everyone else. She's going to put spin on it to make you look like the bad guy. Lesson learned for you...don't ever give her the chance to prepare for a discussion like this.

Tonite is likely to be far more difficult than it would have been if you'd held off to talk with her face to face without tipping her hand at first.

You might start exposing NOW to friends and family...because its a sure bet she's going to have a plan to make you look like the bad guy in front of them if she's given a chance.

It certainly is the flimsiest excuse I ever read. She's come up with an answer for everything, right? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I think "confronting" her via e-mail was a bad move on your part, for many, many reasons, such as:

1. Your WS is now wise to your snooping. Expect her to go deeper underground
2. You come across as a wimp by avoiding direct confrontation
3. You've allowed her to take time to construct a reply and polish her lies.
4. You came across as suspecting an A, when your tone should have suggested that you KNOW there is an A going on, and you want to talk about what happens next.

On the bright side, the more details a WS gives, the greater the chance of catching them in a lie. For example, what jazz trio was playing? She doesn't know - call the bar in question to find out. ******, call anyway to see if there was actually a jazz trio playing there that night. Do all this before confronting her on her response, and confront her in person.

Well, now you know why it's not recommended!


And you want this 2 make sense... ...why?


Have you similarly verified with her mom's nursing home that she didn't call all weekend?


Horse puckey! Why do you need 2 prove something you both know 2 be true?


No 2 the former, maybe 2 the latter.


She can go live with OM. Make HIM meet all her needs.



Depends on how you define "good." If she has 2 move in with OM 2 save money, she'll see reality a lot sooner than if you enable her indefinitely. I still wish my W had gone off with RM 17 years ago rather than trying 2 make both relationships work. I'd have been through this crap a long time ago.


Wrong again. Even if she insists on that, you refuse. End of discussion.


Her talking about people having affairs, or even suggesting that it's "like" she's having one, are all smokescreens. I'd say she's been pretty effective so far.

As for you not expecting her 2 wait around forever. That goes both ways. And since you're "coming around" 2 the problems in your marriage now, whereas she's just starting 2 entrench herself in a sordid affair and all the lying and sneaking around that goes with it, chances are pretty good that you'll be the one wanting 2 move on when, or if, she decides she's made YOU wait long enough.

Infidelity is a helluva wake up call for the BS. It was for me. I've learned more since then than I ever learned in my entire life prior about relationships.

You will 2.

-ol' 2long

Ooops I accidently went into my lingerie drawer and then I slipped and accidently put that little red number in my bag. Silly me!

Why are you afraid of her?

Don't back down. You are losing power the longer you look the other way.

Ok I'll address a few things.

You deflect her from your "primary source" of knowledge of the affair - your snooping.

Tell her that you suspect because she's said she's "done" with the marriage and that she's behaving like she's single, when she's not.

Tell her you saw the OM's phone number on the bill.

Tell her that because you were suspicious, you called the hotel, bar, nursing home, or whatever and verified that no such events as she described occurred there this weekend.

Heck, hoov, if she couldn't go see her mom, why didn't she just call you right away and tell you, then come home?

THINK, man!

You are trying 2 reason with her. She isn't reasonable!

-ol' 2long

I wouldn't reveal my sources. Just tell her she was observed at the jazz club. Don't explain further.

When she starts up telling her story, just calmly tell her not to lie, that you know about the affair, and what does she want to happen next

When you are dealing with a liar and cheater, you need to just let them know that you know.

It is pointless arguing.

I went through over 8 months of questioning my husband, telling him I knew, showing him proof, and him denying. If I had it to do over, I would tell him I know, and would not discuss it.

The more they lie, the angrier a BS gets. Then they just get more careful in covering their tracks.