A year ago I found out my husband was having an emossional affair with one of my best ex-best friends
He ended the affair as soon as I found out and we worked hard to rebuild our marriage
We went for therapy and really every thing improved, communicating so much openly, much more time spent together (pretty much any free time) so much joy
The affair never stop hurting, I had not managed to forgive him more than 30% and while I had stopped the compulsive cheking, anything I felt suspicious made me fear the worse and check
Last July, after 10 years of fighting infertility we found out I got pregnant! oh Joy
We embarked together in the journey towards good pregnancy, delivery and parenthood, sharing all your dreams and fears alike
I thought happiness was within reach again, I am 4 months pregnant
But I was just fooling myself, I woke up at 11:00 PM and he wasn't in bed, my heart sank. While I hesitated, I put myself together to get up and check
I basically sneaked on him, he was having online sex at a porn site
porn was part of of agreement, no more secrets, he learned what it did to me and to our intimacy, we agreed that we sould watch porn only together
While there is no 'real' woman behind it this time, for me it is the same. Again lack of respect and consideration. Again the lies, deceiving and hiddin, Again the secrets
I've almost there with my decision. I need to end this
I have gone from the prospect of having a family with house, husband a baby boy, a dog. To become a divorced Mom
I know I will somehow survive, but I dont see how
I which there was a way. I find myself inventing excuses for him.
I don't think I can manage divorse proceedings now. I wan to wait until the baby is born. But it pretty much over anyway
Thank you for listening and you have any advise, please be kind and try to reply only if you are too the victim of a recurrent affair and/or braking up during pregnancy
Thank you

Welcome and congratulations on your coming baby.

Has your husband gone for any counseling for his addiction? What was his response when you caught him?

Thank you

The counseling was for both
I took responsibility for my contribution to the affair happening. But that was that time
Back them the affair was his scape because I was difficult to talk to and he avoids confrontations
Talking and being admired by my friend was just easier, he was filling a void (I am not excusing him, those where the uncovered facts)
Clearly, not everything was uncovered
He has issues, but they are no longer my problem, that is his journey now.
His reaction was exactly the same as the first time.
Apologetic, admiting it was wrong and selfish and immature
Promising he will work hard to regain my trust
Swearing that I make him so happy now, he can not believe himslef he has done this again.
I exploded violently when I just cought it (I know love buster) but after 2-3 minutes I just stopped
What am I doing? I said to myslef
I shut up and listened to him rambling about repent and commitments and promises
I am done, but I want him, but I can not have him, but I dont want to divorse, but I have to

Getting up in the middle of the night to have online sex is a sign that he has an addiction problem. He needs to want to fix it.

I would take my time about deciding on a divorce. There is no hurry.

Are there other problems in the marriage beside the porn?

I don't agree this just an 'addition'
Even if it is, how can I ever trust him after he betrays me for a second time after all that hard so painful work?

Getting up in the middle of the night was how he conducted most of his affair the first time around
He would get up to chat, call her on the cell(for hours) and prepare and send love letters.
Their encouters where actually rare and in public places (still wrong because it was on my back)
I discovered the that affair, after denying it for months, researching on our home computer, all the 'overnight' prove was there. It became undeniable. How is this different? this is his second (known) affair.
If he needs therapy why should I help him this time around?

The only possible 'problem' is that pregnancy has gotten in the way of sex
Between some bed rest due to bleeding, nausea and fatigue of 1st 13 weeks, we came doen from 3-4 times a week to once ever other week
I tried to seduced him to do 'other things' 2-3 times, but he would say. Honey, to tell you the truth, I am tired

Number one, we have talked our sex 'issues' caused by the pregnancy and how importnt was for us to keep communication open and be creative pleasing each other

Number two, I had my suspecions before the pregnancy
I sneaked on him other two opportunities before I got preggo, but because I was not wearing my glasses, he had time to turn the monitor off real fast and walk towards me. As with the previuos affair, I pretended everything was fine. I wanted it to be fine
This time I decided to be kinder to myself, put my contact lenss on and walked on him
He tried the monitor-walking trick again, but it was too late, the web content was very clear

He wants to do what he wants to do. Nothing or nobody else matters, just him.I just matter when I get in a position of removing me from him, or the comfort of home from him

I learned I don't need him to be beautiful, intelligent and lovable. I am not angry anymore, I am deeply, deeply disappointed

I have to admit, your words sound hopeful, and I'd love to embrace that, but it will only put me in a collition course again

We havent been able to talk for one reason or the other since I caught him. He doesn't even realize yet I am even considering ending the relationship
Well, he will always be my son's father, but you know what I mean

We always advise that you do NOTHING for at least 6 months after finding out. Emotions run high, and it is easy to make a huge mistake.

Does he treat you well in other areas?

Please forgive me if my responses project anger
I really need, crave and appreciate advise and perspective
I am just trying to clarify the situation so you know where am I coming from

Don't you think this is just more of the same and he is unwilling to keep his commitment and be faithful?
It happened to be an online woman this time, but it could have been any woman that paid attention to him

The Lord is my witness that I pay attention to him now
I praise him on his achievements and remind him how much and why I admire him.I love and cherish him and I am always ensuring he is ok

If this is still not enough he was soupoussed to come to me and talk about it, either us alone or with the help of a therapist. Did I miss the signs again? Or he is just a hopeless selfish person?

Yes, he treats me more than well in other areas
He excels where other husbands get to average in kindness, care, responsibility.
He an an amazing human being otherwise.
I can not do this again, really, and while therapy is worth it it is expensive and I need the money for so many baby needs
I can not do this to myself He is not even trying.
How is it that you see hope? He is a rsurrent cheater
I am also suspecting he is having a 'something' with a woman at his job. This based on some emails I found printed on his car
When confronted, he says she sent those emails to everybody at work
I know her and her marrriage is in distress. I asked him to keep it strictly professional with her, but the emails continued, although the tone settle down. I found another one where she signs xoxox, love you
It might be nothing, and he says is not, but I am not at ease. Why can't he keep it professional as I asked him?

He should not be contacting or emailing any woman, unless it is strictly business. I suggest you put a keylogger on your computer so that you can see all that is going on.

Also let hubby know that online sex and affairs are a deal-breaker for you, and insist he get some sex addict counseling.

Actually they say SA's behavior is not about sex, but dealing with childhood issues.

RecoveryNation has a program, and a good book is "Every Man's Battle".

At any rate, your child deserves a father in the home, if it is possible. Please stick with us, read about the program here, and take your time deciding what to do.

This is not going to be worked out overnight. Please take very good care of yourself. Baby deserves a content and calm mother too. We will help you get there.

Thank you

I am not sure I want to try this
I will definitely encourage him to consider these things for him
But basically, when and if he completes recovery plan and admits/understand that emailing/online sex and affairs are all in the same family of offfences, only then I would consider exploring who he is and choose if I am interested

I love my son already, but I WILL NOT try to save the marriage for his sake alone
If I decide to try again, it will be because I want to be in such relationship.
I WILL NOT expose my son to a weak, fearful, fake resentful marriage
I much rather let him be born to an environment where mommy and daddy live in different houses and they both love him very much and he is the most important thing in our lives

I will not trash the father in front of the son, nor will I seek limited custody. By the contrary, the most shared custody scenario posible with frequent activities that involve both mommy and daddy to be there (picnics, beach, etc) as much as possible

I took my notes
1)recoverynation or similar
2) emails online sex and affairs unacceptable
3) book

Thank you again
I am not divorsing during pregnancy, it is too much stress
So that basically the time he has. I am so done with this nonsense

Husband is a non-religiuos man (I believe God still loves him, because he is kind to others, well, with the exeption of me and himslef)
Can you recommend a book that is less church oriented?
I am sure this will make it easier for him to digest

Try saa-recovery.org. It is the sex addicts anonymous site. They even have a "Are you a sex addict?" test.

You need to very calmly let him know that you are quite serious that he must get help to quit.

How was his childhood? Relationship with his parents?

How his childhood was is his personal journey
I am not willing to assist, coach, direct. Not anymore

But since you have been so kind to me I can no less than answer your question

He is working in insecurity, exagerated need to prove himself and need for acceptance issues he believes are consequence of his father always critisizing him, never anything positive to say about him (he is 42 year old)

His mother was always very loving and supporting but tended to hide things from his father to 'avoid problems'
So there was often tension at home

I got to go for now but will check back in later

"How his childhood was is his personal journey
I am not willing to assist, coach, direct. Not anymore"

That is a healthy thing to realize. It will be up to him to do the work.

But don't do anything right now. Take this time to enjoy being pregnant. It is such a shame that somehow pregnancy seems to bring out the worst in some men. I really don't understand it.

I finally talked to him
I explained how his porn was equivalent to his first affair and how talking to that girl af work was so wrong
I also told him that I couldn't do this to me again where I expose myself to all this pain and hard work
I said I wasn't going to make any decisions durin pregnancy to minimize stress, but my focus was me and my baby
"you are my baby's father, but know that I consider you a partner on this beautiful project but no longer a husband"

This time around is not my issue nor my fault or responsbility. If you choose to work on your issues, good for you, but you are alone. I make no promises, but if you do, you'll be allowed to knock at my door if you still want to

Needles to say, he was in shock. He epxected me to be with him and work through this together. He was also scared
But he soon recovered, and surprise me with the following news:
He had been working on this and he had a plan, he produced a notebook, "It is still a draft" he said. It included getting help to ensure he wouldn't fail me again... and... and... and He is joining the local church...??!!??
You don't understand what this is...a miracle.
I was the one in shock this time

I told him I was pleasently surprised. but to please understand I was not ready to embrace him, it is too intense for me to get exposed that way to him and all his nonsense. He said he understands.

I do not know what this means. I will watch and wait
He asked me if we could go out to grab something to eat. I said, you do not get to go out with me. ok, he said

Still, when he added. "If I do all this things, will we be ok?" I replied, "do what you have to do because is the right thing, don't expect anything in return"

I asked him, are you ready to start being honest?
Yes! he said
"Tell me something then, for how long have you been doing this porno thing"
He didn't answer for how long but how many times and he lied: "oh, this was the second time"
When confronted with how I know it was at least 5, he started complaining that I was setting up a trap, "What do I win with being honest if you won't believe me?" etc etc
"I can not be honest because you get all upset, so I said a number I thought you would accept"

I said: My reaction to your answer is irrelevant, you need to start telling the truth just because it is the truth and not "as long as I dont upset" or "as long as I believe you"

He stopped and said "this is why I will get help, I must suceed this time"
The truth is that I lied about the number of times becasue I am embarrased and I want to minimize it.

Then, you are not ready to be honest.
He agreed and ask me to please let him do this. He asked me whether I would go with him to church. I hesitated, and I declined. I dont need the pressure and you don't need me to affect the way to choose. It is your job and your job alone

It feels good making a separation from him (he is staying home as my partner in labor), it hurts too much to even try to deal with him.
I am a full time mom to be for now
Hopefully, if the miracle continues, I will have both a father and a husband by the time I give birth.
If not, I'll be fine too. somehow

It is good that he has a plan, and good that you are open for a miracle. People CAN and DO change, but they have to want to. You can only control yourself, and I think you realize that. You are much closer to recovery in this than many who post here. Usually one person is trying to CHANGE the other, and that never works out very well.

Good for you for focusing on your most important job at this point - staying calm and healthy and getting ready for your new baby.

I can not thank you enough
Your insight and specially the questions you asked me gave me so much perspective. I was able to sleep all night (after two sleepness nights)

Yes, the most difficult, trying and hard things I had to do was to not only realize, but accept we can not control others. My old habits, my ego and indignation didn't allow me to see it. It is such a hard pill to swallow

I wish every person would realize it, though
I will make sure my son understands that as he grows up
It should be taught in school

Letting go of control is not my stronger point, and most people, specially us woman have a hard time with it

But it is indeed the truch and crucial we live it
I am still scared, because if he fails himself, I will be alone and I haven't been since I was 16, when I met him

But if I ever want to he happy, and I do over all things, he needs to decide to be my husbad and stay my husband in a totally voluntary basis and make that decision everyday

Anything short of that will not work

Lord, I don't want to be stronger, please, if you can, don't send me more heartache. Let my son be born a happy healthy person. AMEN

The sleepless nights are hard. Most of us have been through them. But not good when you are pregnant.

Your husband probably doesn't understand how badly he has disappointed you. He may feel like since it was cybersex, he has done nothing wrong.

But most people would agree that there is a huge problem when you are pregnant and sleeping, and your husband is up in the night having cybersex.

Your story is very familiar to me. I am sure statements like this make your blood boil. Your H is trying to blame YOU because HE is too emotionally immature to tell you the real truth. Most addicts, drug, alcohol, sex, fantasy video games, don't have the BASIC necessary life management tools to cope with life. They present a facade. An outside appearance of being a good guy. In truth, he has a secret second double life that he is ashamed and embarrassed about. In order to get past this, he will have to learn how to deal with life in a healthy and truthful way. Addicts take the path of least resistence. They will lie to AVOID confrontation of the truth. They are immature conflict avoiders. They will take a small situation, decide to lie and not tell the truth, and when found out, wonder why their spouse is so upset. THEN, they will come back later and say they can't tell the truth because you will get upset. They will tell everyone that you didn't make it "safe" for them. In reality, you have every right to be angry and need to be careful how you deal with that anger, but you can not be yelling or LBing and be angry and the "child" inside them cannnot handle the mirror you are holding up to them. It's all bullchit and your gut knows it. I am willing to bet he has been driving you crazy since day one and has blamed most of your marital problems on you.

Addicts are a very selfish species to live with. Their addiction is more important to them than you are. That's why boundaries are necessary. I choose not to be 2nd best anymore. I was ready to walk.

I am impressed that Believer picked up on your H's clues. And I am grateful that she told you about "RecoveryNation". It is a great place for anyone, not just sex addicts, to understand what is going on behind addictions. That site is geared toward sex addicts, but acting out sexually or any other way is just a symptom. People with addictions do not know how to cope with life in a healthy manner. I hope that you will check out the RN site and take a look at the "partner's" side. You will find many familiar stories to you there.

There have been many threads from people on this board that I think are in the same boat. Some just choose to ignore it thinking it doesn't apply to them. You seem to have a firm and healthy grasp on what is really going on though and will recover much faster because of it.

It sounds like you have set your boundaries about what you will and will not accept for yourself and your life, and are sticking to it. That is very healthy and in time, you will be happy, with or without your H as long as you stick to your values.