Today is my first day alone and I am already feeling lonely and I miss him. I knew this would happen, and it is actually not as bad as I thought.

Now, ...I am doing my best not to interfere with his attempts to find a solution (not to control him)

As soon as I read your post I felt tempted: do you think it will be ok if I print your explanation and give it to him?

Oh God, I know I am trying to control him by doing this
Can I not give it to him as a friend?
My fear would be that he sees that as an agreement to work with him on this or, even worse, as instructions on what to do, hindering him from finding his own path

He tends to do "whatever I say" (with the exeption of not cheating). And he tends to ask me to put in a "punishment" and he will do it, to fix the mess

I guess I answered my own question, I had already printed it, but I will not give it to him
I will mention to consider visiting recovery nation (their site is under contruction until Monday)

In any case, just to clarify, he never blamed me for every trouble in paradise. Only for not making it easy on him to be honest. (beautiful, ugh?)

I completely understand where you're coming from. It is very important to both of you that he wants recovery bad enough to seek help for it on his own.

However, I see no wrong in you showing him our responses on your thread. Some men need more than their wive's words to "get the point". I also don't see anything wrong with you telling him about the RN site. But, once you give him that info, you don't need to do anything else. It'll be in his hands. Watch his actions, do not listen to his words, as you are probably already aware of. Addicts of any sort are very good at lying and manipulating your reality so their words don't mean squat. You will be able to tell, after some time, if he is in true recovery.

Read all you can on the RN site so that you can make intelligent decisions for yourself. I still have the link up so you can get to it now.

Here is the partner's link.......

http://www.recoverynation.com/partnersbb/

The "lesson responses" are the addict's SO's stories. The "community section" is a forum like this one. Unfortunately that board is much slower than this one though. But there you will find the answers. Also, read the "lessons" that are posted at the top of the lesson responses. It is also very helpful to read the addicts side which is here....

http://www.recoverynation.com/bulletinboard/index.php?sid=4d5539b8b4bc62a8eac7e422a3d8fd13

I wouldn't feel bad or controlling by giving him the link to the site. I actually think it's a loving thing to do, as long as you leave it at that. He can do the rest.

I wish you all the best on your journey. You are most definitely on the right track.

And BTW.....consider yourself fortunate that he didn't blame you for too much. It sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders so he probably wasn't able to anyway. Good job.

Thanks for chiming in, Mopey. You have some great advice.

LostNow - Is your husband out of the home now?

Thank you again...
I still think I'll let him know about the site, but I will hold Mopey's explanation for now. There is no hurry.

He is not out of the house, but I am alone
I get up alone, eat breakfast alone, go about my day alone.
I come home and there is nobody to talk to, other than our dog (she really pays attention when you talk)
I took off my wedding band

When we are coinciding at home together he makes an extra effort to stay away from me. This is Sunday and I saw him twice passing by, that is it.

I am not hostile to him, I am cordial. But other than Good Morning, we don't talk.

If he is in the kitchen and I come in, he hurry up and leaves. If he wants to watch TV, he goes to the TV room and closes the door. If I know him enough he is honoring my wishes of him leaving me alone other than necesary information exchange about the house, the pets or the pregnancy. He is some sort of room mate.
I hardly see him. He is like a ghost. During the week I'll see him even less. I don't tell him where am I going, neither does he

I know this must be a very unusual arrangement...

some confession:

Basically I told him (no, I didn't ask him) that while he was no longer my husband, to stay as my partner to help out with the pregnancy

I explained that this way money will float better, If I get sick or need anything, he can take care of it and he can help with the house cleaning so I don't have to do it all with a growing belly

I might be abusing but, although those were my instructions. he could have said no and leave. He still can.

I am a very, very pragmatic person. If he leaves, he needs to pay for another place and there will be less money coming my way. I have friends but I don't have any family locally, so I will use all the help available.

I've been told this is also controlling, and I guess it is. Again, he can say no and leave. Also, I guess this way he might feel he will not loose me and don't work as hard. Well, I guess I'll run that risk for a few months until baby is finally here.

Yes, your arrangement is very unusual. On MB we encourage folks to talk and work on the marriage.

But at any rate, enjoy your alone time. I know it may a bit lonely, but after baby's arrival, you will most likely look back and long for some alone time.

Although I am trying to make a separation to protect me and the baby, I feel I am actually working on making recovery possible by stepping back and watch.

I know I am doing what is right because I feel so much better now. I never stop eating but know my appetite is back and my sleep and my mood. I only cried once today and for less tham a minute. I am assuming that I am a single mom
Yes, I break at times because I can not believe my marriage is over. Also because I feel lonely and I love being somebody's girlfriend (being in a relationship) and I am nobody's. Also becasue I miss him, I miss us.I do love him, I love the 80% that is good. I am not a fan of the other 20% that is pure poison.

He might recover and then I will seriously consider dating him. Maybe he wont and I'll have to look for a lawyer and do all the due diligence to divorse

It is your choice how to handle it. But he may believe he is being punished now, and that you will "get over" it. Then he will be hoping that life will go on as usual.

I am not sure I understand your last comment.
Are you advising me to change something?

In any case, I tried to start reading the partner's site at recovery nation, but I can't. I cry on every word, and that just on the introduction.

I am not ready to deal with this. I won't do it now, too much pain. I removed the pain by removing the source: Him
I am taking an emossional vacation

Again, worry not, I'll suggest him to visit it for himself
I hope he also reads the partners side. But, no instructions will come out of my mouth

An emotional vacation sounds good. There is no hurry in deciding what to do. When you do talk to him, let him know that you will not be married to a man who has other women - in real life, or on the computer.

Then HE can decide what he will do about it.

Sorry that reading the site is so hurtful.

TLN.....

*Big hug*



I completely understand this too. I did the same thing. I was already emotional because of months of lies and disclosures bit by bit, and I could only read a little bit at a time at first. It was just too much and I was already so tired of it all. However, I was not with child either, and I'm sure it is much harder for you.

I did ask my H to leave the house on a few occasions, and he did, so I could pull myself together and think. It was hard to deal with while the source of so much pain was right there. I think it is a good idea to have your H stay with you as long as he is willing to give you time to process all of this pain. It would probably help me feel secure knowing he was there if I needed him, because of the pregnancy.

I do think you need time to "lovingly detach" yourself enough to get your bearings. And you can do this with him there. Do what you need to do for yourself. Take your time. Remember to breathe. Even though you need to detach, is your H still trying to take care of you? I hope so.

Keep this in mind, the biggest thing your H needs to learn is about "emotional maturity". My H is working on this. He is starting to become a wonderful husband and is learning to deal with his emotions. He's still learning to decipher what the emotions are. It takes time, and I couldn't do it if my H didn't give "me time" too. It's a slow process but the rewards are peace and happiness. You will have it TLN. I can tell already that you intend to have that for yourself. I think your H may also love you enough to do what's necessary.

Sleep well knowing you are doing the right things.

And BTW....my H does read the partner's side now and he's made a few posts. It does my heart good to know he's trying to understand our side.



I didn't know if you were referring to me or Believer. I don't think it was me though.

Believer....thanks for compliment. It means a lot coming from you. They were hard lessons to learn. However, I think I have the tendency to "go off" of a rant occasionally because I'm still in a lot of pain myself. It's only been about 6 weeks since the latest disclosures. I hope I don't scare anyone off.

So much of "this kind" of behavior, meaning lack of responsibility for actions, lying, etc, has a lot to do with maturity in my opinion and everyone has different levels of maturity and it they handle it differently. It shows up in many ways.

Thanks Mopey - I don't know the latest on this subject. I did just look at the partner part of RN, and there is a coummunity support place for partners.

TLN will probably get more help on how to deal with the problem there. But hope she continues posting here also. Hubby can work on HIS issues, and we can help her.

Here I am
Going back to work was harder that I thought
I had to take 'one hour at a time' so I can do my job
Yesterday I was exhausted so I had a bit to eat and went directly to bed.
I am sleeping well, but I think the pregnancy fatigue is coming back. I talked to the nurses both at my doctor's and at my insurance and it is totally normal.

I was eager to come back and post

B & M
H continues being a great partner, taking care of the house, groceries and respecting my space
He asks if it is ok to talk to me about <subject> and I decide if it is ok or not

The only hiccup yesterday was that he left me a message at work (I didn't answer when he called) saying "I understand all your anger, but that doesn't mean you can shot me down. I need to be able to call and check on you, ok Honey?"..
I replied via email.
========
No, you don't have the right to participate on my daily life. If you have any issue about the house, finances, the pets or your son, we can talk
I guess I didn't explain myself correctly
I am NOT waiting on you to fix your issues
If you do, good for you, then we can see if it is possible to continue this relatioship for long term, for life

My priority is taking care of me and baby. This not only means eating well and resting but also my mental health. I can not have peace if I have to deal with you
I suggest you serously consider making the changes you choose for you and not expecting that will win you your way back to me.
=====

He replied that everything I said was fair and reasonable
He will work on his problem and once "out of the tunnel' he will look for me
He asked that I please don't let my resentment stop me from recognizing his efforts
He added that he wanted to be clear that he will look for me and not for "the mother of my son". He said "Please don't think I will try to use him as an excuse to accept me"
================================
[You can tell he knows me]
I appreciate him stop calling me to check on me
I think it is great he recognizes he needs to work at it, good for him
The rest, we'll see (que sera sera)

Over the weekedn he told me about his experience at church.
I don't think he is doing this right, but I just listened.
With the most high respect to all religions, I think he chose the worng denomination. Yet again, it is his choice

What I find more frustrating is that he is 'again' just trying to be a better 'person' become more spiritual
All that is great, but how about dealing with the issue at hand?

Last time (I can not believe I am refering to 'last time' that was suposed to be 'the' time, the affair)
Anyway, last time, was the same thing, he just wanted me to move on. He would talk about the affair and its effects only when cornered. He would complete homeworks after a tandrum and at least 2 weeks late. He would even had trouble talking about faithfulness and values

He was "just tell me what to do" I did! Lets talk about what you did, let's define what being faithful is

I accused the therapist of being biased, because therapy bacame a session to determine why I was refusing to move on
"Let him drive and see where it takes you"
I fight against it and I should have listened to my instincts. I finally started trying to embrace him and try to live without fear and see what happened.
Last session therapist ended ith 'call me if you need me'
I took it as we graduated! I was wrong, again
It seems to me now therapist surrendered on me, he didn't want to deal with me anymore.

H wanted just to forget about it and just make amendments that had nothing to do with thet issue
Doing more lundry and taking me out every Thursday on date night is not dealing with the issue!!!

Sorry, little venting there I guess.

I can not go back to RN, because I am not ready to listen to the answers to my questions, that will have to wait
I did give H the link, he said thank you. That is it

Believer, it is your comment the one I am unsure I understood



Is that a good thing or a bad thing?