Need advice:

While on a business trip, my wife's coworker made an advance and kissed her. My wife was shocked and said that couldn't happen again. But later that night, the man came to her room uninvited, and managed to convince her to let him in, to "talk". But shortly thereafter he pushed her up against the wall and began kissing and touching her. She pulled away and went over to the sofa, confused about what was happening. He followed her, pushed her back on the sofa and continued kissing her and removed her shorts and underwear. For about 5-10 seconds he engaged in intercourse until she more forcibly said, No we have to stop!!!

All this info came to my attention becuase my wife told me everything. She is an emotional wreck and we're undergoing therapy for it.

My question is: can I tell the man's wife about this, or do I risk getting pulled into a civil suit or something by him if I go into these details?

Am I protected from a civil suit in this case?

Thanks!

Tell his wife.

And I think your wife is CYA on her part blaming him for "rape".

She ain't tellin the truth.

If in fact this occurred, your wife should be more than willing to 1) report it to the police, and 2) report it to her employer's Human Resources Department.

This is scary. My instinct would be to call the police. If he forced himself on your wife, then he may have harmed other women too. Also, this is sexual harassment. My advice would be to continue with counseling, but seek the assistance of an atty that deals with employment/harassment issues. This man is definitely unstable and needs to be outed.

Most women are victimized by men that they know or have some type of contact with. Could be family member, clergy, co-worker, neighbor, etc. That's why I recommend contacting an atty. He or she will have valuable info on what steps need to be taken next.

Jewel

I am retired law enforcement.
Some things about your story...or should I say your wifes story..do not add up.
How did he remove her panties and shorts??? Did she resist in anyway??? How? Was she returning his kisses?
Did he stop having intercourse with her when told to do so??? Did she willingly touch him?

What doesn't add up here is if these things happened as your wife said...there would be no question this was rape....so either, you get to the police immediately...or get the rest of the story out here so that we can offer you advice.

In addition to my time as a police officer...I work on a daily basis with sexual abuse vistims and there is much here that is not adding up.

Medc, in what capacity do you work with sexual abuse victims?

Agree with the others here. IF this happened the way your wife claims, then she is a victim of rape and should report it to the proper authorities.

Who

What he said...

You should tell OM's wife, your wife's HR department, and possibly the authorities if you continue to press her and she insists she was raped.

I agree with the other posters. This story doesnt add up. IF it did happen as your W is saying, then call the police.

However, the OM's W needs to know, as does HR for the company.

Thanks for the info so far... it is helpful.

To clarify a bit about the story, my wife and I have been going to a therapist for several months, and the therapist agrees that this was at least clinically a case of acquaintence rape. The therapist explains that it is possible for the man to remove her clothes unwillingly, because rather than have the flight-or-flight response, my wife had a "freeze" response, which is the third type of response.

Below is an email my wife wrote to the co-worker several weeks ago...

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(Name removed),

I really didn't want to bring this up again and would rather forget about it, but I can't. I just need to say a few things to let you know where I stand, and then I don't ever want to talk to you about this again. I've been seeing a therapist for the last few months to try and deal with what happened in (Place Removed). After a lot of reflection, basically I just need you to know that I've come to feel extremely taken advantage of by you. I wasn't ready or equipped to deal with what you were initiating in my hotel room, both that morning and later that night. I wanted it to stop and yet I felt frozen or unable...once it started I didn't know what to do because I trusted you and thought we were friends. I felt totally OK and unguarded hanging out with you alone before that because we're both married and nothing would ever happen...

I purposely didn't go to your room when we all got back from dinner because I didn't feel comfortable hanging out with you alone anymore. And yet you showed up to my room uninvited later that night. I didn't want to let you in, but felt pressured to...and I certainly didn't let you in to have sex with me...I hadn't even thought of that as something that could happen. And a few times I let you know that I wanted it to stop...but you persisted. Despite what happened earlier that day, I don't recall giving you permission to remove my clothes and start having intercourse with me. Even though I didn't forcibly stop it, this is where I feel you crossed the line. I know you probably think that this was mutual...and that I'm just regretting it now... but that's not the case. The way I behaved that night was me freezing and not knowing what to do. Although I don't think you would do this again, you should be really careful in the future on trips with female coworkers...

I just needed you to hear this. I feel really taken advantage of, manipulated and in some ways even assaulted and now I need to get past this which I'm really struggling with....

Please don't write me any emails, call me, or to talk to me when I'm at [work]...unless it's work related and absolutely necessary. This is just how things have to be now so I can move on...

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By the way, the thing I'm really wanting to get answered is; if I tell the wife what happened, am I at any risk for him trying to sue me in a civil law suit? Should I not send the wife a letter, which could possibly show up as some sort of evidence in court?

Thanks everyone!

Forward her email to HR and get that SOB fired. Do not let that SOB get away with it. Then you need to sit down with your wife and therapist to discuss boundaries with men.

I am wondering how you got hold of this email and exactly when your wife wrote it/sent it. Did you find it by accident? Did she offer to show it to you?
Mulan

If he can't DISPROVE your allegations (i.e. he had a tape recorder with him and your wife told him it was okay to have sex with him), then you are at no risk of losing a lawsuit.

If anything, you should sue him and the company for sexual harassment.

Hurt,

Does your wife not want to press charges? Or let HR or the other guy's wife know about it?

But told you about the occurrence?

Have you ever had reason to suspect that she has been unfaithful?

I am asking because you have posted to a infidelity forum.

Thanks,

kirk

After all this talk with the therapist, and it appeared more like an acquaintance rape scenario... I asked my wife to send him an email, so that he would know how she viewed this incident.

She composed the email, showed it to me, and then sent it.

Kirk,

Please realize that this has been very traumatic for my wife, and the very thought that there could be more drama further victimizes her. She would rather put it behind her and deal with just the two of us, and get him out of our lives. I realize that as much as I'd like to go to the police or to the work HR department, a formal investigation is only going to further traumatize her.

At the same time I really want to tell this guy's wife - but I'm only hesitant because I don't want him coming after me (financially, or otherwise) if his wife leaves him and wants a divorce.

Is it okay with your wife for him to do this to the new girl that was hired who is only 20?????? Is it okay for your wife for him to do this to the nice older lady who's husband just passed away??? Is it okay for him to do this with .......the next time he........because no one ever stopped him????

Are you absolutely certain that this email was sent?

Mrs. W