Quit being a chicken and give OM what he deserves. He can't sue you, and if he attacks you, he'll be in jail where he belongs. Most likely, he won't do a [email]d@mn[/email] thing, but call your wife a liar.

I don't see how stopping this guy from going on with his life and possibly doing this again victimizes your wife...Sure, I understand that she wishes this would just all go away, but that is not reality...it is NEVER healthy not to deal with reality...that will not help her heal...

Mrs. W

If your wife isn't going to HR, she should find another job so she has NC with OM for life.

Mrs Wondering: Yes I know the email was sent, because she showed me the email in her SENT folder of her email account.


And as far as getting another job: this man has left the research study he was working on with her, making a benign excuse to get off the study. He seems remorseful and/or nervous... as he should. He is also planning on moving to California in December to do his post-doc work there, undoubtedly to try and get away from this before his wife finds out.

Post deleted by mkeverydaycnt

HBJ...

I just called my husband, Mr. W, he is an attorney and has the ability to see things from all sides...He had some interesting thoughts that he will share with you in a post in a bit...Because you are on an infidelity board, it is sometimes hard for all of us to get outside of that realm and see things differently...I think Mr. W can do that...I am hopeful that what he has to say may help your situation...

Mrs. W

I think I have the answers I wanted... I will be telling his wife via a letter, about how the whole thing happened. (I guess I was just being cautious that he could turn around and sue me when his wife wants a divorce!)

And yes, I'd like to take this guy to the police, but I wa told that in a he-said-she-said case like this, it can be hard to prove and be traumatic for the victim. That's why we're not doing that.

Thanks for everyone's advice!

Thanks Mrs. W:

I'll look for his reply!

Your Wife either willingly participated in this sexcapade or you should file charges against the idiot for rape, turn him into the HR department, file a sexual harassment claim against the OM and company, and go over to his house...well I will stop there.

I'm not sure that I believe your wife's story in all of this. Do you? Would she take a lie detector test to prove her tale and to set up case against OM.

Someone asked in what capacity I work with sexual abuse survivors. The short answer would be counseling and advocacy.

Medc, I asked because I consider your responses at odds with an advocacy position. Perhaps, I misunderstood. Is this in a professional capacity or an informal one? What, if any formal training have you had in your counseling and advocacy of sexual assualt victims?

Assuming everything you've written above is true I'd say OM doesn't have any basis upon which to sue you for anything. There is nothing slanderous about telling the truth.

HOWEVER, that doesn't mean he won't sue you.

Anyone can sue anyone for anything.

Because only your wife and him were in that room he can maintain denials and sue for slander. He certainly MAY just do that to make plausible his denials to his wife when you expose him for, at the least, his infidelity.

What to do.

I say...right now you MAY have the opportunity to get something in writing from him. ANY email response to your emails will help. Even a non-response is a response. Meaning....your wife just sent him that email basically accusing him of date rape and telling him to stay away. If it's true...he will likely ignore it. If NOT true...he SHOULD go ballastic with the denials. Think about it...how would YOU respond to an email accusing you of such behavior.

So...assuming she sent that email this morning. By Wednesday morning I think YOU should send an email to the guy. Something well thought out and planned by posting it herein. Perhaps send it as though your wife doesn't know you are sending it. Kinda really accusing him of the behavior your wife described in her email and indicating that his failure to respond demonstrate his guilt and how appalled you are. Then asking for his apology and you make the claim "if you apologize to me and my wife, I won't take this any further". Make your promise as believable as possible so he incriminates himself with a response.

Finally, try again on Thursday with a more direct attack.

If he fails to respond to all three emails...such failure to respond will certainly, in itself, make him appear pretty guilty. It's not like he's going to tell his wife about the letters/emails. He won't forewarn his wife as long as YOU don't give him any reason, in your emails, to suspect you may tell his wife, boss or anyone.

I think, to avoid the he said, she said of the situation getting ANYTHING from him would behoove you. It would also make your disclosure to OM's wife believable. Preemptive exposure to her is useless if OM can simply deny his way out of it.

Thus, my advice...strike the documentation route first before he lawyers up and gets wise to you. Getting anything from him gives you ammunition in any case he MAY file against. With such "evidence" you make it very unlikely he will sue. No OM ever wants to step in court and announce to the world their immoraility but it takes real evidence to make denials impossible.

Gotta run,

Mr. Wondering

Your Wife either willingly participated in this sexcapade or you should file charges against the idiot for rape, turn him into the HR department, file a sexual harassment claim against the OM and company, and go over to his house

__________________

sometimes its just not as simple as either/or.

i have been in a similar situation as hbjoe's wife. I got along w/ the guy..i enjoyed his company....i was even attracted to him and i am ashamed to say even flirted ...but, i was never interested in contact and i knew how to keep distance.
'till 1 time when we out and i was angry at my H and found myself alone w/ this man and discussing my marital issues and my H's IB and the next thing i knew he was leaned forward and kissed me...he went on to make some sexual remarks and tried to get me to "touch" him. I was shocked. i shouldn't have been but i was...i knew this mans wife and would never have expected him to make such a bold move....in all honesty, my marriage was troubled at the time and i was a bit flattered....but, KNEW that was silly and i was mostly confused....i tried to difuse the situation and still make nice w/ him but he didn't want to hear it.....part of me actually wanted to get back at my H...but, because i knew and cared about this mans wife i forced myself to put a stop to it and get up and walk away........if i had not had the wife in my mind i can see where i may have 'froze' a few minutes longer and something might have happened.

I have had extensive training in the counseling area. Advocacy is something that no one has ever accused me of being in conflict with. I actually find that pretty funny.
It is a professional capacity at this point. Advocacy does not mean that I will not call a person on a story that doesn't make sense. I do not believe that a person should be wrongly accused of something...........which happens quite often with charges of sexual assault....
I also do not believe that a person should be on an infidelity forum seeking advice as to whether he should do something against his wife's rapist. Although sex crimes are both under and over reported...tell a H that you were raped and in the vast majority of the cases...he doesn't need to be convinced to do something...he needs to be convinced to not kill the person.

Knewbetter...what qualifications do you have in this arena?

I have had probably logged a hundred plus hours with WOAR in the last 20 years...plus my involvement with them in the police academy. I also have been trained to deal with adult victims of childhood sexual assault. When coupled with my police experience, I would say that I have a good handle on sex assault cases.

And that's where BOUNDARIES save marriages...

Had Nia17 and Joe's wife both had better boundaries, that might have helped them both avoid the situation they were in.

Nia...did this event cause you to re-evaluate and re-establish your boundaries for how you deal with men outside of your marriage? NOT condemning you here...I'm curious if this helped you see the risks. Hindsight is always 20/20.

Nia...did this event cause you to re-evaluate and re-establish your boundaries for how you deal with men outside of your marriage? NOT condemning you here...I'm curious if this helped you see the risks. Hindsight is always 20/20.

______________

thank you for not condemning me.....i really have a difficult time w/ that myself...i know i was at fault here.
i don't blame myself entirely but i am sure some people would and know that i own some of it.

I still struggle w/ that and i know MY H would blame ME if I had let something happen that night,....and i KNOW I had poor boundaries (didn't understand that real well then)
but,
i swear i didn't mean that i WANTED to have any type of sex w/ that man....however, if he had been stronger or i had been weaker...it MIGHT have happened.

AND, yes...it did help me see the risks of men outside of marriage. I have kept my distance ever since...and that was not easy for me as I am by nature very social and flirtatious.
I used to think it was innocent...NOT anymore.

I still struggle w/ boundaries IN my marriage, but that's another story.
I HOPE HJjoe's wife is telling him the whole truth and that they do the right thing here. i am not sure WHAT exactly that is, but...I hope something good comes from the situation.

as much as I have disagreed with this poster in the past I see where he's going and agree with him.... something is horribly amiss with all of this.... If my wife was 'raped' in her hotel room I would expect that there was a broken door....

Accordingly, until such time that it doesn't look, smell, taste and act like...... it's.......

I agree Send Me

something is horribly amiss with all of this.... If my wife was 'raped' in her hotel room I would expect that there was a broken door....
_________________

i agree that something is amiss in the marriage....perhaps has been for awhile....like myself, joe's W could have Boundary issues, but, what exactly are you saying?
Do you believe that just because this happened and the door was not broken down that she invited him in, had sex w/ him and is now trying to cry rape?

you don't believe it could have happened the way she explained it? why not?

I would agree that its possible she's lying.

She may have been willing and encouraging...but then realized the consequences of her actions, and the only way to avoid taking responsibility for her part in things is to cry rape. It happens.

I don't know the truth in the matter...either story is very possible.