Ok I am going to post this here because I think this is the right place

Okay, here’s my story. Married 19 years with 18 year old daughter. About a year and a half ago my wife started to go through we thought was a mid life crisis. Then her father was diagnosed with cancer. A month later her mother was diagnosed with cancer. The next month we had to have her sister put into a hospital by court order for Bi polar. In the mean time her drinking had increased. About the same time she starting doing fun activities with a young friend from work who eventually started dating my daughter. They broke up but the friendship with my wife continued. I never had a problem with this guy, he’s a good fun loving kid. Other family members started to really have a problem with this and then I finally said I wasn’t comfortable with all of the time they were spending together and asked for some moderation and to meet my needs. She had slowly been distancing herself from me. She was upset being this was the one day a week that she didn’t have to deal with her problems. So she ended it and has resented me since.

A couple of months later she started spending more time with another young guy at work and we’re back in the same situation. Only now a couple of things have changed. Her father has died and she has taken it very badly and they have also found a lump in her breast.

She spends a lot of time on the phone with her new friend and has all but quit talking to me (we used to spend 3-4 hours a day talking up until the last couple of months) She assures me nothing is going on and just wants some space to deal with all of her issues.

Please advise, I am broken hearted and frustrated.

It certainly sounds like you have reason to be concerned.

Are you ever invited to go out with this group? If not obviously there is something to hide... You need to find out what that is. Listen to your gut, it won't lie to you.

We've all been at that place. "I can't believe I didn't see that sooner". So many signs overlooked because we didn't want to believe this could happen to us.

Actually, my wife has asked if he could come over. Also, she tells me that she can't wait for him to find a girlfriend so we can hang out like a normal couple.

The problem is I don't know if I should give her more space (I have given a lot allready) or press the issue of us working on the marriage. Plus the timing of her fathers death certainly doesn't help anything.

Also, I could contact this guy? She seems to be confiding in him. I just want to do the right thing.

She shouldn't be spending significant time with anyone of the opposite sex. If she isn't already in an affair with this guy, she will be soon.

Should I approach the guy? He has said he doesn't want to cause any problems in our family. Am I being made a fool of?

Hopefully not yet.....

SNOOP, SNOOP and SNOOP some more...No kidding...You have a right to know what is going on with your wife...You are supposed to be concerned, this IS a BIG DEAL...Go to Radio Shack and get a voice activated digital recorder and put it in her car...Put a keylogger on her computer if she communicates with him in this way...How much cell phone time has she been burning with this guy? Lots of text messages? Mulitple text messages are almost a sure guarantee of an affair...

Mrs. W

I would approach him and tell him you are uncomfortable with him hanging around your wife. His reaction and your wife's will be telling.

Then you should get "Fall in love, stay in love" by Dr Harley and start working on your marriage. Read it together.

How much younger is this guy than your wife?

Mrs. W

Ditto MrsW

My wife is 39, he is 24. Real geeky deep thinking type.

What about all of the alcohol? And the death of her father? What do I deal with first?

Okay, first I am 38, I would have NO interest whatsoever in hanging out with a 24 year old BOY...Something is amiss there...count on it...

Personally I would wish to KNOW what was going on behind my back, so I recommend that you SNOOP as I stated earlier...Knowledge is power afterall...

I think your wife is definitely using unhealthy outlets to deal with her grief...that only EXPLAINS it, it does NOT excuse it...

Is this the only time in her life that she has used alcohol as an escape? Is your wife an alcoholic?

Mrs. W

Jim...

How often is she using her cell phone to communicate with this guy? How many text messages?

Mrs. W

At the very minimum she is having an EA.

It is unhealthy. Any time a spouse feels this way about another person something is wrong.

Snoop and hopefully you can stop it before it is too late.

The two of you need to be spending 15 hours a week doing fun things together. Start inviting her places with you. See if she will go.

So how do you stop an EA? She just started back to work after 4 months of being off and I work from home, so it get's kind of old.

Also, it seems like the more I pursue the further she runs, it's only when I start doing more things on my own that she shows the slightest bit of interest. She has mentioned several times that she knows this is killing me but she's just trying to get her issues resolved.

Please keep commenting

Jim...

You act the same with an EA as you would with a PA-You expose the affair to all that could have influence over your wife and/or OM-affairs thrive in secrecy...you must expose it to the light of day in order to hasten it's death...You need to SNOOP to have something to expose though-As it stands she will continue to say they are "just friends" and this is her way of dealing with grief-which is total baloney-clearly this relationship is causing problems in your marriage-who clings to a friendship that does that? No one EXCEPT those involved in affairs...Snooping also may uncover that this is indeed a PA...at the least it is an EA-equally as devastating of course...No matter what you need to know...

So, have you started snooping yet? If so, what have you done so far? If not, why not, and are you willing to? Also, I am still curious about her cell phone usage, can you address that for me please?

Mrs. W

she keeps telling me she needs space to grieve and I'm not giving it to her. Do you ask without hard evidence? I've danced around the subject before and it just turns into a fight. She saying that I'm just being insecure. Please hang in there with me.

oh yeah, and she is openly on the phone with him. When I ask, she tells me and asks if she wants me get her off. I say no.

Not sure I understood that, but if you're suggesting that she's asking you if you want her to get off, why did you reply "No"? Don't you want NC? A better response would have been "Yes, and I prefer that you cease to have any further contact with the OM because it disturbs me greatly".