This is my first post(2nd try, reposting due to suggestion), so I would appreciate any help with abbreviations or anything else I need to know about posting. Thank you!

I found out about my husband's affair September 1st. Many photos on his computer over a 2 month span. What a kick to the gut. I confronted him the next day. I tried to get him to admit on his own, but he completely denied everything, so I brought up the images.

It has been a rollercoaster of up and down. At first he didn't want to work it out. Then he did. But then I found out he wasn't going to give up Monday nights at the bar with co-workers.
He and the woman(what is the abbr?) he had the affair with work together. My husband refuses to quit or transfer because he worked too hard to get where he is and he won't get paid the same anywhere else. She goes to Monday nights too.
I asked him not to come back to our home till he can commit fully to me. He has stopped sleeping with her, but I am worried she is filling his emotional need of recreation. She see's him more than I do!
We work opposite shifts and rarely see each other. We have 2 children, 5 years and 1 year, so it is difficult for me to drop everything and go our to the bar. Plus, she will be there. (Oh yeah, she has a fiancee. Their relationship is rocky.)
We had a fight a few days ago when he still refused to give up Monday nights. It seems like he is trying to finish this off. I don't want to. We haven't mentioned the D word, but I'm scared he will.
He doesn't love her, he doesn't see a future with her He loves me, he loves our family. I still see hope, but I don't know how to turn this around. It's only been a few weeks, but I feel like I'm being forced into plan B. Should I stick to plan A and allow him to go out Monday nights? I don't want to let him in our home, because he's slowly been moving out and taking all his favorite things with him. I feel like he may not have a reason or want to come back.
I still have to see him everyday before work so I can give him our 5 year old for kindergarten. We are going to talk this Saturday(a day after my 26th birthday) to talk again about finances. He says he's cashing out all his PTO since we're not going on our anniversary vacation this October.
I would appreciate any questions or help. I am so overwhelmed. Thank you!
*Update*
This morning we talked briefly as we met for him to get our daughter.
I told him things are rocky. We are bound to have our ups and downs. I still have hope for our marriage. I still do NOT agree with Monday nights. I am willing to negotiate.

He is willing to talk about it. I don't know how to get him to stop this insanity! I'm thinking I'll say that I'll come with him every other Monday. Maybe he will agree to having friends over or doing something else the other Mondays.
I am so overwhelmed and lost. I just want to get our lives back. This feels like I'm in a nightmare and I just want to wake up. I do believe we can be happier than before now that I have all the books. But I need to get him away from her first.
Thank you so much for any help.

Secure your finances so that he can't blow all of the family money on the OW (other woman). Be sure to inform her fiance what is going on.

Sadly, they cannot ever again work together. That is going to have to be a boundary you enforce.

Also you must expose the affair to family and friends, and let them know that you love your husband and ask their help in protecting your marriage.

Stop trying to play let's make a deal with a WS! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

Do NOT stoop to his level. He meets you at the right level for a family or he is out.

He doesn't love you. He loves himself and the A. In fact, he doesn't really love anyone because as a WS, they are NOT capable of true love just lust.

Go read Surviving an Affair and secure your finances. He is about to blow his PTO $$$ on the A. Is that what your family needs?

L.

hope4happiness

Sorry to hear about your situation.


OW Other Woman or OP Other Person. You can find other abbreviations at the top fo the Just Found Out ... board.


Plan B is most effective after a good Plan A. IMHO you can't Plan A if he's not at home. How is he going to experience you as the preferred alternative if he's not there? If you decide to let him back in the house, I would calmly announce that he has to look after the kids next Monday because you are going out. Why should you support his affair?


Yes you do. That is the whole purpose of Plan A and Plan B. I think that you really need to read about Plan A and try to map that onto yourself and your daily behaviour. Exposure is the most powerful weapon at your disposal to kill the affair but it has to be done correctly and you have to be prepared for the backlash. Don't try to spare your WH's feelings (or your own for that matter). Your WH seems to value his position at work but still chooses to risk it, exposure there will therefore have a dramatic effect.

Here is a good place to start:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...part=1&vc=1

Good luck to you!

Does her fiancee know about the A?

Believer~
Thank you. I have changed the passwords on my bank account. He has a portion of his paycheck direct deposited into it each week. He was in charge of all of the finances previous to this. Now I am trying to pick up the peices. He has blown a lot of money these past few months. I don't spend any money on recreation, so now I'm trying to catch up on all of the overdue bills.
I am going to try to set what little money I can aside for an emergency, but right now I'm playing catch up.
I work part time so I don't make a lot of money. I am paranoid about everything with money. I have absolutely no trust right now, so I'm acting as such.
Thank you again.

Orchid~
I am not really sure how to make a deal. He gets angry when I try to negotiate with him. I have told him I want him to stop Monday nights until we can get our relationship back on track. Should I just stick to this argument? So far I have kicked him out of the house until he can make a commitment, but I feel like this has pushed him farther away.
I feel like I'm in over my head. Everything I do seems to push him away, but I am sticking to my values.
I have read surviving an affair. I gave it to him to read. I told him that was the first step, I wanted him to read it. He has not yet.
Thank you for your help.

ManInMotion~
No he doesn't. I know him only as an aquaitance. The 2 of them come to our family parties and events all the time. That's why I was completely blown away when I found out. The funny thing is I had that weird feeling around her, but I thought since she was engaged... I guess no one is safe.

I have no idea how to find him. Or how to speak with him privately without the OW finding out. I've tried reading through the forums, but there is so much information I feel overwhelmed. Overwhelmed with everything in my life right now. lol

MindWarped~
I have decided to expose. His family doesn't live close, but I get along well with his brother and his Dad. I was thinking of calling them. I'm scared. Everyone seems to think it's for the best, but it's going to be really hard.

I'm right now trying to track down the OPF (other person's fiancee), but I'm having difficulty. Should I bring the images and a laptop with to show him?

I think the easiest thing will be going to his work and seeing if I can get in touch with human resources. I'm going to try to do a little research on all of this, but I would appreciate any suggestions or helpful links.
Thank you so much!

Why should you care if the OW finds out? That's her mess to deal with, not yours.

Exercise the telephone. Someone, likely a common acquaintance, should know who he is. And he deserves to know the type of person he's planning to get married to, before they actually tie the knot.

No need for a face-to-face meeting. Call him, ask for his e-mail address, then forward the images and e-mail to him.

Just remember: your focus is on saving your M, not having revenge against the OW.

ManInMotion~
I'm not sure they have a computer. I didn't see one when I went to their apartment. I was thinking of checking the buzzer list on their building to see if I could find their apartment number as I don't remember it. I'll ask my neighbors, who work at the same place as my husband, if they can help me get his phone number. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Thank you again for your help. I would be so lost right now if it weren't for MB.

A suggestion: Print out the pictures and other incriminating evidence. Once you've got in contact with him, simply indicate that you are certain about the A between his fiancee and your H, you are letting him know because you want to want to save your M and he has a right to know what his fiancee has been up to, and if he wants evidence, either give him the envelope in person (if it's a face to face meeting), or ask for an address where you can sent the envelope to without risk of it being intercepted by the fiancee.

ManInMotion~
Guess what?! I have the OW's fiancee's phone number! I got a friend to call the OW's phone number and pretend to be someone who knew the OWF but misplaced his cell #.

I am thrilled and hestitant. I feel like this is a big win, a big step at getting our marriage back. At the same time, I'm terrified of the backlash.

But what have I got to lose.

I'll keep you updated on the details.