Anyone know if a WS is more likely to re offend once he or she has firts affair?

My wife has had only one (that I know of) in 18 years. Now I worry that she might do the same thing again if not with OM but maybe someone else at a later date.

Maybe just insecurity as my WS chose someone who was the complete opposite of me.

From my experience, yes.

I don't know what the statistics are, but the WS is likely to have a repeat affair if the problems that led to the first affair are not addressed and resolved. Have you affair proofed your marriage and resolved the problems that led to the affair? Has your W ended ALL contact with her affair partner?

well, and yes from my experience, but in my case and I would assume in many others where there were repeats its because the first was not dealt with.

Little did I know back then I had implemented a plan A and Plan B, but let my boundries down at some point that I was not aware of until recently.

Did the WS get smarter?

I know now that I am making it tough and it will get tougher if H does. I have my boundries, I know my needs, I say them now.

And I am banking on that I am not the same person, I have learned and so has H

Does something feel not right for you?

IMHO, you can deal with all the problems in the M that you find, but if the FWS is unable or unwilling to deal with the issues about themselves that led them to CHOOSE to have an A, then they're likely to be a repeat offender.

I guess that what is really bothering me with my M recovery at the moment. I see very little sign from my FWW that she even wants to touch that issue. Yes, she tells me now that she won't get involved in an A again, but she told me that the first time too <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />.

Harlequin and similar publishers of that certain genre make a ton of money focusing on the need in women for romance. By story structure, the normal focus is on the beginning phase of a relationship. This happens to coincide with that time period where Phenylethylalamine (PEA), with a little help from dopamine, dominates the thought process in both men and women.

Women "tend" to be more addicted than men to this methlike mind altering chemical. Women also "tend" to reject the explanation out of hand, preferring that romance stay in the "Natural and mystic" order of things. "If" you can get a woman to accept the explanation AND what precursors lead to PEA dominated brains, the battle is nearly won.

The problem with PEA is that it goes away after some period of time that varies from a few days up to a few years. No romance after that? PEA can see temporary rekindling through concentrated effort like date nights or chance meeting at a high school reunion with an old lover. Mostly, people must make due with a different value set that sees us appreciate our mates because of who they really are instead of the fog of mind altering, druglike, temporary addiction.

This is why those who choose betrayal and adultery are most in need of understanding; conscious effort to learn and an adoption of a life style that produces trust instead of doubt both with their mate and more importantly, within themselves.

Just my opinion.

Larry

From my personal experience the answer is both yes and no:

I was married to a serial adulterer who although he would promise it would never happen again, it would. And my willingness (and much effort) to improve the marriage, to 'affair-proof' it, had zero effect on his straying.

On the other hand, I did have one brief PA, and one EA during our 25 year marriage. The PA happened on a business trip, after years of my WH fooling around plus flirting with women right in front of me. The night I strayed he was at a party with coworkers, in the hot tub with another woman (he claimed in their underwear - not what coworkers said). He insisted that I transfer into the department that would require me to travel (yelled at me and made fun of me when I almost didn't because I was afraid to travel alone and to even talk in front of a group). Then he fooled around whenever I traveled and complained to female friends, relatives and coworkers about me traveling... Of course anytime I complained about his behavior: my coming home from work to find the girl the apt. complex hired to water flowers sitting on our livingroom floor watching him play guitar... him going out to lunch with the wife of a close friend... skipping work to go help that friend's wife move furniture and hang pictures... basically dumping me at every social gathering to dote on, get drinks for, tell jokes to, flirt with, go out on the balcony to 'talk' to... other women, refusing the company-paid option to come visit me over the weekend if I was on a two-week trip, had time to go out to lunch with female coworkers (except me)... I complained, was told I had a 'jealousy problem', and 'learned' to shut up and put up. Oh and at the same time all this was going on he ignored me (except for criticizing me). He never wanted to spend any time alone with me, never flirted with me anymore, and was making it clear he had lost interest in me in every way. Coworkers and neighbors were trying to tell me that he was fooling around but at that point I had no concrete evidence of a full-blown PA and everything I did know he claimed was OK and chastised me for being 'jealous'.

The PA I had was somewhere between a one-night-stand and an typical PA (sex twice on two different business trips, went out to a restaurant togehter one time, two phone calls and three letters in between over a course of three months) with an employee at a company I visited on a business trip. This guy was treating ME the way I had seen my WH treat OW in front of me. I was very flattered and absolutely STARVED for attention. Still, I was aware that I was making a choice, a wrong choice, maybe partly for revenge. In fact, I didn't even bother using the one-thing-led-to-another excuse. Because it's not only A CHOICE but in reality a sequence of mini-choices even with a one-night-stand. (It's OK to go out dancing with him after the whole group goes out to dinner, others were invited they just didn't want to go too...It's ok to let him come into the hotel lobby with me... the hotel room...)

I ended it, I confessed it, I realize I loved my WH instead of OM, and I suggested we go to MC and fix the problems in our marriage to ensure it never happened again. WH said he didn't care, it was no big deal, everybody does it! (But then he complained to OW and his sisters about it and used it as an excuse to get even more involved with the wife of a friend) I even quit my job (for a while - WH wanted me to take it back because he said he wanted the money for us to buy a house - then he said he felt more 'trapped' because we had made such a major purchase together...BTW WH feeling 'trapped' was a comaplaint he had started expressing before my PA) The problems in the marriage were never addressed by WH but I NEVER strayed again even though WH was most certainly NOT even trying to meet my needs and continued to give OW what
I wanted and needed from him right under my nose.

The EA was probably not even an EA because I NEVER contacted the OM privately, my WH was present every time I saw him or talked to him. It was a friend of WH that I think (never confirmed) had a crush on me. My WH saw him a lot, mostly they went out together to bars (to try to pick up women according to other friends) whenever I was out of town on business. I only saw him a few times per year actually but over many years. At some point I started suspecting that he had a crush on me. He was giving me lots of attention, sort of flirting, and complementing me... All this was done in front of my WH who never complained once (maybe because he did the same thing with OW in front of me?). But after a while I told my WH that I thought this guy liked me and that therefore I was going to avoid him and not respond to his attention. I ALSO told my WH that I was starting to feel tempted to give in to and return this man's attention because I was not getting that sort of attention from my husband AND because I was having to watch my husband give that sort of attention to OW. My WH didn't care that this OM was flirting with me, didn't care that my needs weren't being met inside the marriage, and once again called me 'jealous' for complaining about his interactions with OW... (but years later I did find out he had complained to his sisters about my supposed involvement with this OW! and was using it as an excuse for his foolingf around!) The OM noticed my change in behavior and even acted sort of upset with me for a while. But again I never discussed anything with the OM so whatever it was it just ended. We eventually moved away and only saw him a couple of times after that. So it was more an EA opportunity that I ended before anything happened.

So the answer to your ? is yes and no, yes it is likely to happen again if the WS doesn't address why it happened and take measures to ensure it does not happen again... and vice versa.

Larry, I've spent a lot of time listening to my FWW relate things, and I can tell you that her As had little to do with romance at all.

She told me that she had the first PA just to find out what it was like (having SF - it was her first time). When she came home, she wanted to have SF with me that very night - this, after telling me that she wanted to wait until we were M'd, so I knew something was up immediately. In fact, I've only found out recently that she actually had SF with OM#1 for the last time within 24 hours of propositioning me.

For her second A, she and the OM (one of her staff) spent most of their time discussing work issues. There was no "romance" involved, at least not in the way you and I would think of romance - not even when the A got hot'n'heavy. He just kissed her one day, she liked it, and things went on from there. The OM never took her out, gave her gifts, cards or anything that even remotely suggested that he was "in love" with her. In fact, it turned out that he was just curious to find out what it would be like to be with her, and she wanted a distraction from the daily grind, or that's what she told me. She knew he was engaged, she suspected that he was seeing another OW, but she engaged in SF with him anyway. Not the stuff of romance novels, is it?

My view: my FWW did her As simply because it felt good and she thought she could get away with them.

There is an old truism: if you want to know what your wife would be like, look at her mother. And I can tell you that is so, so true in my case. Her mum is exactly the kind of person that would not hesitate to do something wrong for her own benefit if she thought she could get away with it. When I first observed that many years ago, I thought it quaint. Now, I know better <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />.

I felt guilty asking this one as I know it drags up us BS deepest fears. I cant change what happened but if I knew it would never happen again it would definitly help.

In my case I know my wife is very unlikely to go back to OM because the nature of the A was very casual and all conducted in one place (a particular bar) at set times (twice a month).

If they had been seeing or contacting each other outside of these times I would be a little more uneasy. It was a game to her. An ego trip. She was trying to get the man that alot of the other women were after.

But it was a trip that went too far and when OM stopped playing and put her on the spot then in her words;

'I had grown fond of him by then and I just let him...'

In my case I think I have pretty much identified all of the reasons.

No, my wife has not really addressed all of these issues yet but we are working on them.

What does come through all of this though is that she doesn't seem to have much respect for me other than being a provider for her family and a nice guy.

I am trying to be more confident and attractive for her but I never will be more than just A 'nice guy' and sometimes - for her at least- it would seem that is obviously not enough.

Oh yeah, do I know that feeling. I'm addressing it at the moment by not accepting any sort of disrespectful behaviour from her at all. It's amazing in fact when I think of the things I used to let her get away with in our M - no wonder I started feeling like a piece of furniture. No wonder she felt comfortable inviting the OM into our home.



Here's where you and I differ. I'm trying to be more confident and attractive, period. I'm doing it for me, not her.



Well, there is the saying "nice guys finish last". In my case, if something like this happens again, I can guarantee I will no longer be the "nice guy" in her life.

I forgot to add, if I was in your situation, I would be MORE worried that your W would be a repeat offender, not with that OM, but with others, precisely because of the casual nature of her A.



In this regard, I think my FWW's A was a bit similar. The OM in question did seem to attract W like flies. It meant something to her that he chose her over the others. She just didn't consider the possibility that he actually chose her AND the others, and had at least three relationships going at the same time - this A stuff really turns people into complete idiots, doesn't it?

Speaking from experience- I would say yes. If the problems that caused the first affair are not addressed and resolved then chances are it will happen again. My first EA happened after 12 years together- I never thought this would happen to us. But as I'm learning now from this site and Harleys books- His needs/her needs, Love Busters, and learning about the "love bank",the giver and taker, policy of joint agreement I realized that we didn't affair proof our marriage. We never had problems before kids but afterwards our needs changed and we never addressed these issues. You have to answer the WHY questions and work on the root of the problem otherwise you could be facing more A's in the future.