I'm actually an oldie in disguise. I feel so embarrassed that I have to be here in the BW capacity again. I just found out that my WH has been having an EA, with his OW from just over 15 years ago, for the past year. I am SO crushed by this, hence my screen name. I have had to put on the happy face for work(I teach preschoolers ages 3 and 4 years old) and at church and for our kids. I have an appointment with a recommended Christian counselor, since there are none associated with MB in my area, on Thursday afternoon. I guess I just need to know that I can make it, and we can make our M better than it ever was before. I have many issues, but just noticed the time and I REALLY have to get myself to work. I will write again soon. And, since I am an old pro(other login name is from Oct of 2000) I don't need help with the abbreviations or that stuff, just with dealing with my emotions and such. I'll probably write more details on what I need help with this afternoon. Thanks for reading my introduction.

yikes, ow, what has H said? I am so sorry.

crushed9147

I just wanted to let you know that I read your introduction and that I'm feeling with you.................

hugs
bb

sorry to post and run, or so to speak. I've been busy with my new job, kids, and my appointment which was today and wonderful. I am still in a lot of pain. My WH is working overtime to make things up to me. I am seeing that and letting him know that I see that. One of the major things he's done is promised me any emails he gets at work will be forwarded to me. Unfortunately, I cannot go to his "boss" as he's in the military and only 11 months from retiring. I don't want to ruin that for our future. He has been true to letting me know of anything that's happened, which is 2 emails and one phone call that he hung up on her. Here's a little history. He sent a NC email and BCC to me that basically said to not contact ever again, that I have the info on a flash drive and will use it to make sure the "relationship" ends now. She sent one VERY short email yesterday, and then tried to call him today. When he hung up, she emailed him that she couldn't believe he'd hung up on her, and that she was now angry at him, and that she would expect something like that from me, but not him(need that vomit emoicon here). Her history is that she WILL try to contact him again. I even told him she would do what she's done these past 2 days.

She is the typical OW scorned, not taking any of the blame and feeling entitled to some sympathy! Yah, right!!!! In this case, it was ONLY and EA, but if I hadn't found the stuff when I did, it could have easily gone to the PA with her trying to plan a trip to our area!!!! From her latest email, I'd say she hasn't told her current hubby(#3), and she doesn't realize the true power I hold over her at this moment. I have information that I could easily get to her H with out a problem(ie home phone number) I am not that vindictive, and will protect my kids and our future and therefore won't use my ammo with out just cause. Now, I did tell my WH that if she continues to email and try to call, I may give her a warning from the email addy I found and now have total control over, that I do have the info and will willingly share with her poor hubby if she does not stop. I will also keep any and all emails that are forwarded to me by my WH. In fact, I have been sending them to that extra account.

As for on the home front, things are running on par with recovery. Many tears. I have opened up a lot(one of the issues we have is we both avoid conflict) and also told him that he HAS to be radically honest with me, even if he thinks it will hurt me more. I told him that right now I have a gaping wound, but if I find things on my own that I've already questioned him about it rips it open further, whereas if he shares with me, when asked(don't need any MORE pictures on my mind), and he is totally honest with me, it's more like a shot of pain killer, cause he's showing that he does love me enough to let me know what I need to know. Did that make sense? Anyway, he's already done that quite a few times, one of which was showing me where he has all her phone numbers stored.

I know, unfortunately, that we have a very long road ahead of us, but I know that if we are both working together, we can make it. We've already taken some huge steps in that direction. I do know that many times you end up taking steps back, which is why we will be continuing at my therapist each week for me for about a month and then bring my WH in to the office with me.

I never imagined I'd be on this board in this position, but I"m glad that I have a place to get everything out, especially when my 4 friends who know aren't available at the moment and WH is stuck at work till tomorrow afternoon <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

Thank you for reading, and the support(even though I had posted and then sorta disappeared.) MB has always been great for us, but if we had added the counseling back in the beginning, maybe we wouldn't have to be where we are today. Hind sight sucks sometimes, huh? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Crushed

nice to hear from you <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I think that it would really help if you did tell OW's husband about her trying to contact your husband...........
this has nothing to do with being vindictive or not.........
He has a right to know what is going on. Then you let them deal with her actions.

I'd even consider a "NO MORE CONTACT" letter and I'd make sure to send it to her home address and I'd make sure that her husband gets the letter personally. I'd also put in copies of the emails she sent to your husband. This might sound mean but it's not meant to be.
It's a way to send OW and her husband the message that there was an affair going on and it's over and OW has to stop all contact because it is not appreciated.

Of course she'll be mad and raging but that's her problem and if she wants to stay out of further problems, she can simply stop and leave you all alone.

Communicate with your husband about this and listen to what your gut tells you. From what I have experienced, I know that it was the best thing ever, that I contacted OWH immediately. This gave me a safer feeling and she had someone that was watching her actions very carefully.


BTW: just a question............where did your husband store all of the OW's numbers???? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/ooo.gif" alt="" /> (if others read this, it might help a little <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />) and I'm abit curious myself.

take care
bb

I will not be online until next week.........just in case you read this and don't hear from me anymore. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I wish you the best.

bb,

Thanks for the quick reply. I hear you about letting the OWH know, but I will have to think on it for a while. They are all military, and I don't want to mess ANYTHING up for our future with my WH 11 months from retiring. I will, however, see what he thinks about the possibility.

As for the phone numbers, well, you can save them in most email address books. Hers were saved in the account that I found and changed his password before he could do anything with it(not that I think he would have done anything NOW, but at the time of discovery, I wasn't so certain). He showed me right where they were after I signed on.

I hope you have a great weekend. I'm praying that mine will be better than last weekend!

crushed

Crushed I feel for you. I'm glad your H is cooperating with you. I'm sorry the OW is not.

Question, is she calling your WH on his cell? or a work landline? If cell why not change the #. And close the email accounts she uses to contact your H.

I hope you have a good weekend.

Unfortunately, my WH is stationed on a ship so the only way to stop the phone calls is to do something drastic. Although, as far as I know, and I do believe him, she's only called once. I don't know if she has his cell number, but she does have our home number, which I don't think she's called, or at least while I was home, and since last Friday, we haven't had any hang up calls or stuff like that. As for the emails, same thing, she emails him on his work address, which he can't close because it's a military address. He could change it, but that's how she's found him periodically over the years. I have been thinking of a way to call her H and let her know that our intentions are that we want to be left alone, and that he needs to be watching what she's doing. I know that he can't do that while she's at work, but still. I haven't talked to my WH since last night(major stuff happening on the ship) but he himself said that I could call and talk to the OWH. I just am afraid of what might happen to our retirement, kwim? I hated sleeping alone last night, but I know where my WH was/is, and why he had to be there(every 6 days, it sucks!). We are praying that the ships deployment is delayed for about 3 months, cause then they would leave him behind due to his retiring. Oh well, that's not going to be decided for a bit so we will just enjoy this time we currently have together.

If anyone has any possible dialogue that I could use with OWH, I'd love some advice. I really do feel sorry for him, as he has no idea, or at least I don't think he does.

Thanks for letting me vent and "think out loud" here. MB has always been the greatest!

crushed

I got something I would want to say to her! but, I know this is a decent message board and I will keep my nasty talk to myself.

I am not sure but, your H did not contact OW right? If not, are ya thinking that maybe H did not know really what to do or say being caught off guard?

I know that happened here about 10 yrs ago, and since my H was so flustered by the call that he just didn't know what to say, I know my H left OW to wonder if he was going to call her back, to this day she may still be waiting.

crushed9147

everything ok?

bb

BB, thanks for asking! Things are really going good-great right now. Not to worry, as I am still on my guard to having the rug pulled out from under us. We are just working on our relationship together and with God. He has been honest with me many different times about things I hadn't even thought about. To the point of sharing some information that lead me to find some things that I've "taken care of". I told him what I found and what I did with it, and he was fine with it. I also told him to expect contact from her again(it's just her mo) and now, close to a week later, she sent 2 emails which he forwarded to me. She is such the typical OW scorned. She sorta tried to take her part of the blame, the the emails were all about her hurt and the things were "hers"! Um, NO, they are NOT for her, and therefore she no longer has possession of them. They are forever lost to her! The funny thing is she acts as if she "knows" my WH, but I know HER so much better! I know how she thinks. I even told WH in an email this morning that it should be the end of it, but that she just might call tonight, as he has to be on the ship tonight. She knows his schedule(I've thought of asking it to be changed so she wouldn't know, but with the size of the crew, they kinda need to keep the supervisor people right where they are), and might think this would be the perfect chance to talk to him. Even though the last time he hung up on her after only 5 words(actually 10, but he couldn't hear her the first time so asked her to repeat and he realized who it was and hung up)

So, here's how it's gone, I find these "things" and delete them from her account(after WH gives me the password). She finally goes on(nearly a week after the fact), to look at these things, sees that they are gone, and says that HE won't leave HER alone! It's all about HER pain and HER suffering. BUT, she does admit in one of the 2 emails that SHE pursued MY H!!!! I still hold a TON of power, but will never use it unless I absolutely HAVE to. I've been tempted to email her, but that would just make her think she has permission to keep up the contact.

Anyway, now she's changed the password, which is good for me, cause now I won't be checking her stuff any more <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> and my WH has been good at forwarding any emails he gets to me. So, we will continue to work together. I have another counseling appointment tomorrow afternoon, and soon we will have my H come in with me as well. I will keep you updated if and when more things happen. Thank you for your concern and support.

Crushed(but getting back to where I need to be)

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> nice to hear from you and I'm happy for you that things are working out.

hugs
bb