Sort of a spin off of several posts. What are your absolute requirements in a potential date? And what are you willing to compromise on? My list is pretty short (so far - may add to it as I go).

Absolute Requirements:

1. Previously married
2. Owns his own house
3. Employed

Things I prefer but would consider if not met:

1. Has kids
2. Large age difference from me (I'd consider this to a point)
3. Has no dietary restrictions (long story behind this)

I'm sure I'm missing some key elements but I'm still pretty new at this. What are yours?

For a date, my requirements were: No a player, not married, not a "Bad Boy" type, and reasonably intelligent with good social skills.

That left a lot open, but not as much as you'd think.

For a relationship, I went with

Responsible
Sense of humor, even about himself
Ability to control his temper
A willingness to make adjustments
Must like my kids and pets
Must know and accept that there will be times he takes second place to the children
Must respect me

At the time I started dating M, I was really uncertain about a NMNK (Never Married, No Kids). NMNK don't have the same experiences we do. However, it proved a much smaller obstacle than I thought.

Now that M and I are (gulp) joining forces, so to speak, I'm a little concerned that he doesn't know what he's getting into. No one who's never been married knows what they're getting into.

But, if I had refused to date him because he hadn't been married, I'd really have missed out. M's a really good partner/spouse for me.

Hmmm, completely forgot about my pets. That's ok because they are such a part of me that no animal hater would have the slightest interest in me to start with.

I also haven't gotten so far as to think about relationships. I suspect the criteria for this will be a little more vague as there is a huge chemistry factor that is difficult to pre-screen for.

Anybody else?

My pet is a HUGE factor as she is so exotic and needy*.

*(destructive and loud)

Hi - this will be fun for me - because I did this list when I first dove back into the dating scene:

Requirements
1. Has to be my age or older;
2. Has to have been married before;
3. Has to be taller than me and weigh more than me (my ex was my exact height and I weighed more than him - little bitty guy);
4. Has to understand my love of animals - because my passion is animal rescue/nature/wildlife, etc. I don't expect him to share the passion - but has to understand mine;
5. Has to have passions/outside interests of his own - I so do NOT want a needy guy;
6. Has to be living on his own (you'd be surprised how many divorced men have moved back in with their parents);
7. Older kids preferred (I LOVE kids, never had my own, so it's easier for me to relate to older ones)
8. Doesn't bad mouth his ex-spouse.....

That's pretty much what I came up with 3 years ago......

Laura

I’ve had my list since 2003.

1. Man with strong Christian belief. (My XWH was agnostic)
2. Man who is older than me, but not 10 years older.
3. Man with the same values and morals.
4. I prefer no children, but willing to accept if children were in the picture.
5. Man with a great sense of humor.

I met my M online in a chat room. We didn’t chat very long the first time, maybe 30 minutes. The second night I asked him questions after questions and thought to myself, “This guy is too good to be true!” When we finally met, he was what I had expected, if not more. It’s been almost 3 years and I’m still pinching myself.

Pariah, your pet is a parrot, right?

I adore parrots, although I've never lived with one. I hear parrots are picky about with whom they associate. Anyway, I can see why that would be on the lsit.

Yeah, she's a cockatoo.

She mourned the loss of her favorite flock mate (my wife who actually hated her) for months. The move was terrible on her. She clung to the door of my truck screaming trying to get out though the glass to get to my wife as I drove away. I will never put my beloved pet through that ever again.

Is she feeling better now?

I remember when my grandfather died, his Siamese cat, Ping, mourned and mourned. Loudly. Siamese resemble crying infants. Ping got into the closet and dragged out GRandfather's clothes. It was too much for my grandmother who was broken-hearted. She had to give the cat away.

And that was a cat. I can only imagine how your pet is taking it.

Hmm. I'm thinking a requirement could be to pledge ever-lasting faith to not just your spouse, but the spouse's bird as well. Especially since the bird may outlive you.

Oh, one more parrot story. My mother was talking about an acquaintance who's a bit odd. This acquaintance announced that her husband had died and she had replaced him with a macaw. My YD was listening to this story, and interpretted this to mean the woman married her macaw! As much as I say otherwise, M is convinced this is the case. And she may be closer to the truth than I know.

PS: Tabby, sorry for the total and complete threadjack.

I understand.....my parrots (quaker and conure) are attached to ONLY me - and they are absolutely unconsolable when I leave the house for any length of time.....the pet sitter can't even get near them - she takes her life in her own hands just to get them fed when I'm away.....they are such emotional creatures - but the most loving of pets.....

I require:
Personality - I dont want to talk to a rock.
shorter than myself (5'11")
lighter or equal to my weight (165)
younger or equal to my age (24)

Absolute requirements:
1. Honesty!!!
2. Christian
3. Ambitious

Willing to compromise with:
- Height (ideally, I'd like a man who is 6'1" or taller) BUT the man I recently am dating is more like 5'7";
- Age. I'd prefer a man who is no more than 5 years older than me but the man I am dating is 8 years older.

This all goes to show that I shouldn't limit myself to such strict requirements when it comes to physical attributes and age.

I want to be swept off my feet like I was with XWH before he became wayward. I haven't found that yet but I know my prince charming is out there.

Very interesting question...

Similiar interests
Previously married
Kids
near 6 ft.
honest
sense of humor

I like a guy who has been previously married and has children. I just find that it's easier with a guy who has had the experience of having kids in the house. I have found that they are much more forgiving if a date is ended early or delayed because of the kids. In addition, they don't expect you to drop everything and run at their beck and call. They seem to take time to plan.

Right now I am dating a guy who has primary placement of his 12 year old son. His ex has visitation every other weekend. He's the primary parent in his son's life and it's really great to see how he handles those situations that have been typically left up to the women. He's kind and caring and a really great father as well as filling those mother shoes as well. I know we have only been dating a month, but I am really excited to see where this relationship will go...

Ok, I'm just curious as to the reason that a couple of you said "must have been previously married." Why is that important to you? Again, just curious what your thinking is.

Interesting criteria...

Gives me pause for thought. I'm pretty open-minded about most things, but if I were to be brutally honest with myself (and I need to be) - I don't know if I could be OK with a man with kids. Both men I've been involved with since my M ended, do not have kids. The first man had been married briefly some 10 years earlier, the man I'm with now is NMNK, but he has had a couple of long-term relationships, and one had a DD.

It may sound horrible - but I don't think I could love anyone else's kids as much as my own - and I don't think that would be fair to the kids. When XH's GF lived with him, I had some interactions with his GF's DD - and she was a cute kid, very affectionate, and I can honestly say I loved her... (of course that's different than being involved with a man with kids!)... but knowing myself I don't think I could love another's children as they deserve.

I'd rather be honest about that, than short-change kids who have likely already been through enough junk. That's only fair. That's not set in stone, but it's something I definitely consider.

And this may sound like a double standard... but any man I would be with must be OK with the knowledge that my kids will always be first to me. I don't expect him to love my kids like 'his own'... nor do I expect my kids to love him as a 'father' - but there needs to be mutual respect and friendship there. If not, the relationship is dead in the water from the word go. My kids have a say - if I were to date somebody and they didn't like him, that would likely be the end of the relationship right there. If they aren't happy, I'm not happy.

Both men are younger than me. First one is 5 years younger, B is 3 years younger (less one day!) Age is not as important as maturity, IMO. The first man I was involved with lacked maturity, and financial responsibility - and that was one of the major reasons why it didn't work out. The man I'm seeing now, so far seems more mature than XH is/was - and XH is 2 1/2 years older than me. I think a +/- of 5 years is OK, and anything more than that would really depend on the individual.

Responsible... *has* to be able to manage his own life. XH couldn't handle his own checking account or pay his own bills on time (I did all that during the M)... I don't want to have to mother somebody. He has to be gainfully employed and independent and be able to look after himself.

I don't *need* anybody to take care of me - I can take care of myself, but someone who is thoughtful and helpful is definitely a plus. B is that way - very considerate but not pushy. I don't want to be smothered, nor do I want to smother.

Physical attributes aren't as important to me as perhaps to some. Of course physical attraction has to come into play, but I don't have a set "profile" that I am attracted to. XH was about my height, and over the years who was heavier kind of waffled back and forth <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> (We both gained! I gained more, then I lost.. I think he's about the same now). I *like* taller than me (I'm about 5'7") but I wouldn't rule out someone just because of their stature.

I'm partial to facial hair - neatly trimmed. XH, and both of the men I've been involved with post M, have all had beards <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> Again - it's not something that would be a 'must' but it is attractive to me.

As for other physical characteristics... as I mentioned, XH was about my height. The man I was involved with before, was 6'2" and weighed ~300 lbs. The man I'm with now, is 6'1" and maybe 180-ish lbs. So I guess you could say I'm not terribly picky about that sort of thing - but I like the man I'm with to be well groomed and tidy about himself. That speaks more to character than height, weight etc.

I'm more interested in the *person* than the *container* <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> We all have to work with what God gave us in that department, so looks and such aren't as important to me as who the person is.

He doesn't have to make bags of money - I'm not a 'stuff' person. But he has to have a job - staying at a job long-term demonstrates stability to me. I'm more interested in a person who is happy at what he does, versus the numbers on the paycheck. He has to live within his means - that demonstrates responsibility. B is the first man I've met that clips coupons and looks for deals! Just like me! Sounds lame but that's attractive! Not a cheapskate - just careful. That shows me that he knows value.

That's all I can think of for now... I'm sure there's more but I look forward to reading more responses.

JinGA

The loss of my M is by far the most traumatic thing that has ever happened to me (and I haven't exactly led a sheltered life). I will never be the same person I was before it happened. Even basic communication with friends who have never been married has been difficult. There are just some things they can't understand. I feel an automatic "kinship" with other divorced/separated people, both male and female, and I know that at least for the first little while, I need that feeling if I'm going to establish any kind of connection. Maybe down the road it will change, but for now it is my #1 absolute requirement.

I should say as well that these "absolute requirements" are meant more for screening than anything. In other words, if I meet somebody new, I will consider a date if they meet this list. That is why it doesn't really include all the qualities which make up a persons character (e.g. values) because those are things that take time to learn about a person. Right now, I don't want to learn about anyone that doesn't meet at least these few criteria.

On the flipside (and I'm only playing devil's advocate here - so no flames please <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> )... I have not dated anyone who is (recently) divorced or has kids.. as I mentioned the last gentleman I was involved with was married briefly (2 years)and divorced 10 years (no kids - clean break)... but I digress...

What I mean to say is - if a potential dating partner is divorced, it would sort of make me wonder what's "wrong" with him? I know that may sound hypocritical... after all I'm divorced ergo there must be something wrong with me (and there is/was, and I'm working on it!). Just as affair partners often re-write history to paint themselves as victims, I might find myself wondering if a potential dating partner was doing the same, so as not to show his issues.

Even the man I'm dating now - he's had a couple of fairly long-term relationships - and while he's spoken respectfully of his ex-GFs, he's told me that one relationship ended because the GF had a problem with alcohol. I've no cause to doubt that - but at the same time, being cautious as I am, I still have my eyes open to see what *else* may have been wrong (ie from his end)... if that makes any sense.

Just like it says in my sig line that I filed for divorce because XH's depression and behavior were out of control (and that's true)... doesn't mean I don't own my own fair share of what went wrong... and I do own that (and to an extent I always did, but I've come to learn the whys and wherefores now). While many of us grow and learn from our broken marriages, many do not (my father was a serial cheater - he's been married 3 times now!)... so I guess my guard would be up around a divorced man in case "he" was the reason...(or the primary one) if that makes any sense.

I guess the bottom line is, at this point in life - no matter what your chronological age, having been through a marriage and a divorce, it changes one's perspective and *hopefully* puts one more in tune with what one sees as an "ideal" partner. We know more about how to be with ourselves, more about things to consider red flags, things that we consider desirable...

There's someone for everyone - I do believe that - and clearly from this discussion, our points of view and ways of looking at things are vastly different, based on our own opinions, perceptions and experiences.

Good discussion <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

JinGA

You raise some good points JinGA. My initial gut reaction to my own predicament wrt getting out into the dating world was that nobody would want me since I must have something wrong with me. After all, I have 2 failed marriages, not just one. And despite that, it's pretty easy for me to initially wonder why somebody else failed at their marriage (in a not so flattering way). But over these last few months I've talked to many separated and divorced people and learned a lot about marriage failure in general. So I'm far less judgemental than I was, though I think if a man were married multiple times, I would be vary wary.

There are still a few potential negative aspects to dating a divorced man. His ex could be a nutcase (I have a friend in this situation). He could still be doing battle with her over various issues (kids, money etc.). Though I'm inclined to prefer one who has kids, the kids themselves take time and attention and have their own emergencies that will trump me as a date. He will still carry responsibilities to the family he had with his ex no matter how well we get along and how far anything between us goes.

But despite those shortcomings, I still feel I would prefer a divorced man and maybe, just maybe, feel even more comfortable if he had kids. I feel more able to relate to this type of man than if he had never married. I still have a lot of issues in my own head and I don't know how I would explain that to someone who has never been through it. These issues are a part of me so I can't ignore them either. So for me, it's worth risking a psycho-ex, needy kids, or someone who has something wrong with them that they can't stay married.

The flip side of all this is that if he's never been married, is it because nobody wanted him? At least one person wanted the divorced guy at one time - more than all the other guys around and that was probably when they were younger and there were more fish in the pool.

Having thought a lot about this discussion, last night B and I were talking, and the conversation got sort of serious (not in a bad way)... and I sort of asked him why no woman had ever put a ring on his finger *g*. His answer was thoughtful, and IMO honest based on what I know of him...he *is* independent, and he has not really seen himself marrying and having kids. He was engaged once - I asked him about that, and he pretty much said he was 'encouraged' into it, but even at the time he knew it wasn't going to get to the altar...and it didn't.

He hasn't said he'll never marry - he does not have a desire to have children - but he's fine with children being in the picture. He's got two younger half-brothers, one is my DS' age and the other a few years older than my DD... he said they have been like 'his' kids - he was there when they were born, and since their father has passed, I get the sense that he has assumed the 'father' role to them. I actually admire that.

At this point I don't know that I'll ever look to get married again. Maybe I will, maybe I won't. I guess I'll know when I get there <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> I'm not asking B these questions to see if that's where it's going or not - it's far too soon to think that way, but I am interested in his take on things.

He has said that this relationship has started much differently than any other relationship he's had - and he said it's a positive thing. I did ask him "in what way"... but he wasn't quite able to define it and I didn't push him for answers - I don't want to do that. I'm taking things one day at a time and stopping myself from thinking too far ahead.

We've both talked about coming into relationships from a place of need - we've both done that - and neither of us is doing that *this time*. We've both stated that we were just fine on our own before we started dating - and if things didn't work out, we'd both be fine on our own afterward. Not to sound negative - but IMO that's a big positive - neither of us is needy or clingy. That's a new thing for me, and from what B has indicated, it might be a new thing for him too.

Before B ever asked me out, I'd decided to be OK on my own for a while - I knew I could be, but I hadn't really tested myself - and I am OK. I needed time to learn and grow - and I'm still doing that. Coming into a relationship as a choice, not as a need, is a big difference. We *want* to spend time together, but our mood for the day doesn't hinge on it. Takes a lot of pressure off both people IMO.

Married/never married - there are pros and cons to both, to be sure. FWIW shortly after XH and I parted company, I had a "thing" for somebody (can't really call it a relationship - more like a rebound crush)... he'd been married 5 times!!! (I didn't know that right away but that was a HUGE red flag when I learned of it...and why it never became a relationship!)... I suppose that's the opposite end of the extreme, eh?

The way I see it, a never-married person (man or woman) of 35-45 may just not have found "the one". One of my best girlfriends married when she was 34. She was a virgin til she was 29. Even after waiting so long, she and her H still have some issues...but I think if she'd married younger, she and her H may not have had the maturity to work things out each day as they come. I rather admire her for being a whole and independent person *before* settling down and getting married. They now have their first child, just over a year old.... while I admire her waiting to get married, I can't imagine starting a family at "our" age - she's 2 years younger than me.

I suppose I'm rambling again <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

JinGA