My husband started out our marriage with a horrific gambling problem. His family knew about his problem yet still strongly encouraged us to get married anyway. I had no clue. During this time, he would lie constantly and every time I would catch him in a lie it would break my heart and the trust and respect I had for him slowly diminished.

About 9 months into our marriage, the verbal and physical abuse started. There have been a total of 5 physical abuse episodes to date, ranging from a punch in the face with much blood involved to throwing me on the ground and strangling me until I could not breathe. Every time he's done this as well as the "big" verbal abuse rants, there is a period of calm. He never really apologies or shows remorse for what he's done, but at least during these times I don't have to be controlled by him. During our entire relationship he has controlled everything. If he doesn't like something, we don't do it. If he thinks I use a word wrong, he degrades me for it. When he tells me to speak I better speak or there are consequences. I have to agree with everything he says or he gets angry. I've stood up for myself a few times when I've just had enough and these are the times he has hurt me.

He has convinced me that everything is my fault. If I would be a better wife he wouldn't get upset. This is the same thing he would tell me everytime he went gambling. He has also downplayed each episode that has happened which leads me to believe it's not a big deal. The last physical episode happened a few weeks ago. Someone at the gas station we were at called the police. I lied and said everything was ok. I was too afraid of what might happen if I charged him and they let him go. I finally told a few people about our situations and they were very concerned. They said that what is happening very serious and something drastic needs to me done.

I am a Christian and do not believe in divorce. However, I am completely torn because I do not trust my husband and since he refuses to acknowledge that he has a problem, he won't get help. I'm afraid of what he is capable of. How can I gaurantee that it won't happen again? We have an 11 month old daughter. He has never hurt her and he shows love to her, but he did hurt me when I was 8 months pregnant with her and if she ever was in the way when he became violent towards me I would never forgive myself. I keep thinking that there is something that I can do to save this marriage, but on the other hand, I'm so afraid of him that I'm not sure I will ever be able to trust him again. My family wants me to get a divorce. I have been going to counseling at a domestic violence shelter and although the decision is up to me, they have indicated that there is very little hope of turnaround - once an abuser, always an abuser. Does anyone have any thoughts? Has anyone been in this situation?

Welcome to MB. Dr.Harley says the first and most critical step in abusive situations is to ensure safety. It is possible that your husband could change his behavior if he wants to and gets help. However, most abusive people only decide to change when they're about to lose everything. This is also the time that abusive people are the most dangerous.

You know it's only a matter of time before you are seriously injured or even killed. It may be only a matter of time before your child is physically injured. And if you don't get out of this situation, your child will definately be emotionally injured.

So, what do you do? First you need to be very careful. Contact a helpline or shelter, but do not use your home phone or cell phone. If you use your home computer, delete the history, the cookies and the temporary files. If your husband finds out you are planning on leaving, he's very likely to become violent.

Follow the advice of the shelter.

After you're safely out of the house and where he cannot harm you, then you can start to address his abusive behavior. At bare minimum, he needs extensive anger management therapy, and probably a lot of individual counseling.

Also, I think being apart will give you time to decide if this is a marriage you want to stay in. Living in fear tends to stymie the brain. You're so busy worrying about how to survive, you can't be well-reasoned decisions. Time away from him will clear your head, so you can decide what you want and what's best for your child.

IMHO, When one spouse tries to strangle the other, I'd say you get a pass to divorce or annulment. That behavior is way beyond violating "Love, honor and cherish." That's attempted murder.

Take it from a surviving domestic abuse spouse.

Get away while you are still alive.

ANYTHING is better than abused.

ForMaddie,

I have been physically abused by my father a few times...many years ago. But Thank The Lord...my husband has never hurt me to the point of leaving bruises, blood, etc. You are in my prayers sweet heart. My husband has abused my son for years though. And although I am trying so hard to "fix things" now...I will never be able to forgive myself. I too was raised to not believe in divorce. That word was never spoken in my parents home. But when abuse is involved...what do you do? I am in your shoes...in some ways...between a rock & a hard place. I have had so many tell me the same thing..."Once an abuser, always an abuser." My husband refuses to see anything wrong, on his end...too. And refuses a divorce anyway. You are NOT alone. Lifting you up.

I have dealt with some abuse in my marriage but not at the level you are at. Your relationship is past the point of counseling or reform. He has attempted to KILL you once already. You need to get out of this marriage as soon as possible. If you continue the abuse will end but I fear it will be at the cost of your life.

You need to get yourself a plan for escape. Listen to your friends and family. Use the advice of the counslers and from other abuse survivors to get a plan together to get out of this.

You must do this very carefully though. It is all about control with abusers. If he feels he has completely lost it, he will be very dangerous. Get help from your family and GET OUT. Don't tell him what you are doing. Just leave.

I would talk to your domestic violence counselor about getting a restraining order. It is not an easy process but worth doing.

Just a note. If you do take the steps to get yourself out. He is probably going to pull the old cry, beg, and I'm so sorry act. Don't fall for it. He will tell you what you need to hear to come back and then after the honeymoon phase wears off things will get much worse. Think about your future and your child's future. Do you really want to have her growing up seeing this level of violence?

Your h has serious problems. The fact that he behaves this way and has a serious gambling addiction leads me to believe he probably has mental illness such as borderline personality disorder or bipolar. You should do some research on them and see if he fits any of the criteria.

Good luck to you and be safe.

I once had your problem.

I can't tell you what to do because I know to well the pain, the sadness, walking around in a state of shock, the struggle with everything you believe becoming shattered, the feeling of not knowing how you and your child will survive on your own, wandering if he'll let you even live if you leave him, but most of all giving up your belief, it's the part that still saddens me at times, but I can tell you that for me, I am divorced now, I finally made that decision. I have been divorced since 2002. I am strong physically, mentally and emotionally now and I know my choice was right, I look back and wonder what in the world was I thinking when I thought I should stay with him because I couldn't go against my religion, and I wander how in the world could I take the risk of my children seeing what kind of man he can be when he is so angry, the damage that would have done to them.

I am sad tonight for the deep pain I know you are going through now. I hope you find peace and strength with your decision, and my prayers will be with you.

Anna

ForMaddie,

You're post sent chills down my spine and I felt weak in my stomach.

I could have written your post 22 years ago. The only difference is I had a 2 year old son, and a 9 mth old daughter when my world really came to a screaching halt.

I have not posted regularly on MB in a long time, and I really think I've been drawn over here to find this post.

This has a horrible horrible outcome. I know every single emotion you're feeling... BTDT...got the t-shirt and LITERALLY the scars to show for it.

I can let you know how horrible things got...and the rest of the story...22 years later.

My xH is on wife #4, child #7, foreclosure #2, probation #7... and he most recently got arrested for identity theft of his own brother. A gambling addiction is devastating, and I dreaded superbowl season...because that's when I seemed to get the worst of it.

I left in August of 1987...I hid everything that had gone on in my life during this time. The first year of marriage were either really really good, or he'd been on a winning streak, or I was as naive as they come. The second year went downhill really really fast and my son's first christmas was the beginning of the end.

This is no joke. This is a disaster waiting to happen.

Please get all the help you can to protect yourself, and your child from this.

It doesn't get better...it only gets worse from where you are sitting now.

Thanks to all of your on this thread for your advice, encouragement, and prayers. I'm waiting anxiously and very nervous for my husband to be served the divorce papers. There are days when I'm so focused on the future and know that I need to get out of this marriage to have one. There are other days when I mourn the loss of my husband and wonder if it would just be better to stay. I'm in stag mode right now...waiting for the lawyer...praying that I'll survive the next few months as the divorce begins...trying to plan a party for my 1st baby's 1st birthday, not knowing where we'll be in a few weeks...knowing the divorce petition to be filed is only the first step of a long road ahead...

Oh I went round and round on this, I still do. My suggestion is to DIVORCE HIM NOW before you have more second thoughts. My dad was dying of cancer when I left my ex and I didn't feel I could handle both, death and divorce. My best friend who's been divorced told me to divorce him then while I was really upset and mad, she did that, and if she hadn't with time passing she didn't think she could have proceeded. I've been in limbo for almost three years, separated, my ex lives in another state so I don't feel the pressure to finish the divorce, but I wish it was over a long time ago. He comes to see his boy, now 3-1/2 every month or so for a weekend, and it just goes on and on, the pain with no closure.

My ex used to push me around, I went to a series of counselors about it and his response like most guys who do this - look at what you made me do, it's not my fault, I didn't do anything... like a little boy. I can't respect a man who hurts his wife, even if I yelled at him no one deserved to be smashed around. Just the other day I hired help in my office, I dusted off an old computer before one came in the mail... I forgot about the keyboard, it was missing keys, it was a bit emotional for me to see it. I remember how he came into my home office, my boy was 8 months old, I was upset at him for not helping me with the baby, for sitting in the basement drinking every night, and I'd yelled at him. He came after me, smashed my keyboard, threw me from my chair into the wall, just missing the baby in his little seat. I should have quietly left, he was a liar and a cheater, I too came from a Christian background and didn't believe in divorce. But it only got worse, within a week we had our final fight and I took the baby, put enough boxes in the truck and never looked back, oh I got my stuff about a year later, threw most of it out.

I remember my baby's first birthday. It was sad, he was traveling with me for business. I knew he wouldn't remember but still it was a very difficult year. I went from a 600k house to a little apartment. I started out with a blow up mattress and a coffee table from the thrift store that I put a small tv on, I bought a beanbag chair too, and I ran my small company off a cardboard table with a foldup chair for months. I had plastic silverware, paper plates and you know what, it was fine. I had to rebuild my life and now my boy and I have a beatiful duplex, we are renting but I hope to buy in about a year. He has everything a boy could want, too many toys, we have nice furniture again, but it took a long time.

Still I dont' regret having left, my boy was young enough, he wouldn't remember the fights - that's why people on this site said to leave then - I can't even imagine the impact on such fights with his dad at this age, with him being three, it would scar him for life. Yet still my mind plays tricks with me. It's something about the healing process that you remember the good and the bad starts to fade with time. I wish there was a magic way for my boy to have his dad and a family, but I know it won't work. Running into the keyboard the other day was a reminder of how awful it really was. I used to be so scared, he used to threaten me with custody battles and when I quit letting him know I was worried was when he lost power over me. Now I always act like I care less on the phone and around him, a shrink said to do this, so long as I'm even "acting" like I have everything under control he can't control me. Whatever you do, don't let this man see you cry or whine, try to me unemotional when dealing with him. Otherwise he'll start manipulating all over again. Limit your interaction with him, if he calls tell hiim if it's not urgent and if it's not about your child, you have other things to do. Don't open the door to discussions about much else. When he tries to get back with you have a plan an stick to it - what you'll say, how you'll always be busy, gotta go, etc....

Best wishes, we are all praying for you...

The most dangerous time is when a woman is leaving the person battering her. Get expert help from a shelter. You need to have a place to go and protection from him.

By the way, battering that includes strangling is more likely to lead to murder. Please take care of yourself so you can take care of your daughter.

If he does it again, call the police and put him in jail.

If you change your mind now, we will hunt you down and drag you to one of those centers that treats victims of cults and brainwashing . We want you alive and safe, and that means you need to get as far away from this man who claims to be your husband as you can.

I know you mourn the loss of a "husband" but, sweetie, this man wasn't one. Real husbands don't scare their wives, they don't physicially attack their wives, and they don't try to kill their wives. This man's behavior doesn't even raise him to the level of bad husband.

And yes, he may have some good points. People say Adolf Hitler loved his dog. That doesn't mean he is safe to be around.

Post here any time you feel you're softening, provided you can do so without him finding out.

Be extremely careful. Have 911 on your cell and keep it charged up and on your body. Probably, you won't need it, but if you do... it will be there.