I am a new here, though I have been lurking for a while now.
I have been married for 6 yrs and together for 7. I have a DD8 from a prev marriage. I have a baby on the way.
My WH had A 3 yrs ago. We "recovered" though it was hard and it was before I found this site. Anyway, we moved 2yrs ago due to new assignments in our jobs. His job puts him in contact with a lot of young people and he has been acting immature since coming out here.

I started getting suspicious when he started coming home late then saying that we have "grown apart" and he wasn't sure if he wanted this anymore.

Then I found out I was pregnant.

He freaked out and really didn't want anything to do with it. We had been trying for 6 yrs and had gone through infertily treatments! I moved out because I couldn't take his coming home late and drunk and his total disreguard for me and my daughter. I knew he was having another A but could get no proof.

I moved out for 2 months and we decided it was best for me to move back and give it a shot. I am moving the rest of my stuff in this weekend. I really don't have anywhere else to go but now I found out there may really be an A with a young (20yr old) girl and he is now being investigated in his job for it. I am not sure what to do. I know I am too emotional right now to make a rational decision, but now I have to go back to the house and face this when I had already had an apartment and my dd and I were doing well. I am not sure that I can do this again and I need some advise on how to keep my cool. What do I do in order to keep my stress level down? I am 5 months pregnant!
TIA

Just want to encourage you to take care of yourself and your baby. I know that is VERY hard right now. But I have been through high risk pregnancies and I know the effects stress can cause.

Keep eating even though you probably don't feel like it. Get plenty of rest. Try to rest with your feet up some each day. Is there something that helps you relax? Music? Massage? Exercise? Walking? If you can find something that helps you that way, make sure you do it often.

Do you have a friend or family member that can be your support system? I have found that my support system has pulled me through when I didn't think I could do it anymore. This needs to be someone who wants what is in YOUR and your children's best interest.

I am sure you will hear from some great people here. I haven't been here long enough to say too much. I just want to encourage you to really focus on taking care of yourself.

Hey there.
I can relate, if nothing else. DDay for me was when I was 7 months pregnant. On my side, though, he wants EVERYTHING to do with the baby and nothing with me. My eldest daughter is also 8, too, so from my experience expect a lot of questions.

I don't know how I dealt with the stress other than the mantra to blame none of this on myself and focus on the kids. Your DD and your new baby need you in one piece and that involves you taking care of yourself. I wouldn't even involve myself in WS's drama if you can help it.

Thank you for the words of encouragement. Things seem hopeless right now. He begs me to trust him, but at this point, I don't think that I ever can. I know that I cannot bring him to this sight. he will not seek help and he will never admit to this second A,.
I don't have a support system here. We have moved away from all of our family and friends. I have plenty of people who talk to me daily on the phone while I sort out this mess, but it is a big mess.

SS,

OK, you have been lurking for awhile so you know about plan B?

What you do is move yourself back into YOUR house and then tell him to get out.

If he is having an A with a 20 year old and if his work is investigating it, then plan on him being fired in the near future.

He is freaking out about being a daddy and acting immature so he is in no mental condition to be supportive of you.

So get him out of the house and go to a dark plan B, with the plan B letter to your childish husband letting him know in no uncertain terms that playtime is OVER!!

You do not want any contact from him AT ALL, until he come to his senses, grows up, and will take full responsibility of HIS FAMILY.

No contact from him will smooth out your emotions and help you concentrate fully on your baby.

IMHO

kirk

""he will not seek help and he will never admit to this second A,.""

When he gets fired from his job because of the A then maybe he will admit it and seek help.

But if he is totally immature he will still not admit it and blame the company that fired him as being out to get him. It will be everybody's fault but HIS.

Kirk-
I know about plan B but should I not try plan A first?

I know that he will not actually get fired from his job, but they will take him away from what he is doing and he is pretty much done as far as promotions and payraises. I know that he will blame everyone else for his shortcomings. He already told me they were just out to get him.

Did I mention we work for the same people? This makes it extremely difficult.

I guess what I am saying is is it worth fighting for if things have been so bad? If he is a serial cheater, there really is no hope for recovery is there?

Star

Star - did you have an affair with him when you were in your first marriage?

Big Kahuna,

I was married when I met him. I had actually been seperated from my first husband for sometime and in NC there is a 1 year separation. So technically yes I was married. My first husband had already moved in with his OW who is now his current wife when WH and I met.

SS,

My plan B post was in answer to your post of the following:

"" I am not sure that I can do this again and I need some advise on how to keep my cool. What do I do in order to keep my stress level down? I am 5 months pregnant! ""

A plan B with him at arms length would keep your stress level down, yes?

""guess what I am saying is is it worth fighting for if things have been so bad? If he is a serial cheater, there really is no hope for recovery is there?""

Fighting or thinking about all of this will NOT keep your stress level down.

PLAN B WILL KEEP YOUR STRESS LEVEL DOWN!!!

You are five months pregnant. Your main concern is with your unborn child and your already born child. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Your WH is an immature jerk, thinking only of himself.

Your life with him not in it, at least for the next 4 months, will be much less stressful.

Has he changed his thoughts on the new baby or is he still freaking out?

IMHO

kirk

Kirk,
Now that he is under investigation, he has suddenly "seen the light" and his family means more to him than anything. He does not want to miss out on the pregnancy and his SD.

Our work is now telling me that there are holes in the OW story, but there are holes in his too...I am sure that even if there was no sex, there is enough to say that there is an inappropriate relationship.

I am not mad right now, but I have a lot of anxiety. I am thinking of taking off for a couple of days. Work is letting me go due to circumstances. I am thinking about calling my Dr and seeing if there are safe antidepressants to take while pregnant. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

He keeps telling me to believe in him and stand by him, for the kids. But where was he for the last two months?

So it looks like there was something going on. I have taken off work for the next couple of days to sort things out.
He still maintains his innocence.

I am so hurt right now and am waiting for his confession which I know will come very soon.

SS,

""He still maintains his innocence.""

"I did not have sex with that woman!" W.J. Clinton.

Our wonderful president left us such a legacy!

What really bothers me is that I told him that I would still stand by him if he just told me the truth. I know that WS lie. But he really has nothing to lose by telling me what happened.

I guess I am just confused and hurt. I love him, but my hope for my marriage is fading, just when he seems to want to work things out. I guess since he is about to lose his position and will not be considered for further promotion, I am all he has. He may actually lose his job in all of this and I worry how he will support the baby.

Too much to think about right now.

Hi Star,

My WH left me for the OW when I was 6 months pregnant so I can really relate to what you're feeling.

I REPEATEDLY asked my WH whether or not he had SF with the OW and he lied to me every time. He eventually told me, but on his own terms after I unknowingly made him feel guilty with my plan A activities.

I really did believed him when he lied because I thought that he didn't have any reason to lie to me either. I guess WS's think they have a reason to lie and so they will, it doesn't matter what you tell them.

I hope that you are doing ok and I'm sorry that you are going through this. It's really hard have your WH do this to you during such a vulnerable time.

Sara,
I am doing ok for now. I think that he will come around and tell me the truth. I am waiting.

For now I am in plan A. He has been extremely nice and understanding. We are doing a lot of huggung and a little talking, but I explained that I cannot be intimate with him until he gets checked for STDs. He said he would, but there was no reason to. Another WS lie I am sure.

I am doing the best I can to continue eating and taking care of myself. It has been tough and I have not gotten a lot of sleep. I remember the first time I found out about his A back in 2005, I had lost 20 lbs in a month. I cannot afford to do that with this baby.

Thanks to everyone for their support and advice. I wish I had this on my first DDay.

The weekend went pretty good for us. Still waiting for him to tell me the truth. In the meantime I am concentrating on not LBing and taking care of myself.

He mentioned that I seem to be holding up well considering the situation. I just told him that I am going to be fine no matter what happens.