Hi all,
I've been reading this site for the past week, and have decided I could use some input from those who will give it to me straight.

October will mark my 12 year wedding anniversary. We do not have children. On 11/29/06 I found out my husband had been having an affair. I had to use his cell phone because mine wasn't working. There was a msg there that I listened to and it was the ow. So, big blowout that lasted a few weeks.

He was very remorseful, however I don't once recall seeing him shed a tear. Said he was at a bar one night and she came up and kissed him, and one thing led to another. Said he only saw her (for sex) once a month or so, but acknowledged they did talk on the phone a lot.

I immediately went online to print his entire phone records. He called her every morning on his way to work. And several other times throughout the day. The only reason I believe he could possibly have been telling the truth about how often they see eachother is that she lives an hour away, and his work schedule would hardly have allowed for him to get away to be with her.

I shared the information with a couple of my close friends, but nobody else. BIG mistake. I should have told everyone I know about it! Three weeks ago I came home late from work and he was sleeping. For whatever reason, I snooped through his cell phone. I had stopped doing that some time ago, but something told me I needed to look. Well, what'dya know...there was a text from him to her that very morning. Saying, 'how are you, what's up'. Very ironic that I caught it the very same day he initiated contact again, but thank God I caught it in time.

Upon confronting him this time I asked WTH he would do this to me again. His response? Stress. Money has been a huge issue for us for many years, and he says she used to be his escape from the stress of his every day life. He claims he does not love her, and "absolutely not" does he want to be with her. He claims over and over that he loves me and he wants to be with me forever. BUT he doesn't want to do what I ask of him (counseling).

Now I realize I was an IDIOT to not demand counseling the first time around. I can see quite clearly how I should have handled things. He wanted to brush it under the rug and forget about it, and I guess in a way I did too. It was too painful to think about it day in and day out, and in time I learned to forgive and I tried to forget. I began to trust him again, and just when I did...BAM...I got hit again.

He initially refused counseling. Says he doesn't believe in them. Well, really, I think he is just a chicken, thinking he will be attacked. We did marriage counseling 5 years ago for a couple of sessions...he was not keeping down a job and I got fed up and moved out. Went to counseling and worked things out, and he changed dramatically for the better. Things were going great. We finally were able to purchase a beautiful home 3 years ago. I thought things were going so great. But anyway...

My question is how to proceed from here. I know looking at it on paper, the answer seems an obvious LEAVE HIM! (especially since we don't have children). But it's so much easier said than done. I love him. Obviously I do or I would have left already. I told his Mom, who he is very close to. She was very supportive of me and gave him a big talking to, and his dad did the same. They do not approve of his actions, and the will support me in whatever I decide to do. I haven't told my family though. I know for certain they would never be able to forgive him, and right now that's more drama that I am prepared to deal with.

Reading Dr. Harley's book (SAA) was helpful, but I am struggling with the Plan A and Plan B. Although I see the validity of it, I'm not prepared to move out once I get to plan B. If I move out, it's for good. I'm not going down the separation road again. Or, if he's claiming he wants to stay and 'be with me forever', then are we in R? Honestly I know recovery only works if we BOTH work on the marriage. So, I guess I don't know where we are at right now!

I've scheduled a counseling appt on my own for next week, and he hasn't responded yet if he will join me. Ultimately I know in my heart if he refuses, there is no hope to save this marriage. I am the caretaker in this relationship, and I don't want to fix us on my own. I need him to give a little too, ya know?

If you're still reading, I thank you. I'm sure you know I could go on and on, but I'm trying to keep it short and to the point. Thanks in advance for any input you may have.

Kate

Kate, Sorry you find yourself here, but welcome.

It's very possible he could dump the OW easily, without emotionally painful withdrawls. But if thats the case, why hasn't that already occured? In otherwords "If he doesn't Love this woman" and remains in contact. He obviously doesn't value your feeling too much?

I believe your first challege is to verify your H's commitment to your M.

Now is the time for you to set the rules which he either follows, or losses you.

The following would be a great start:

1. NO Contact - None, Nadda, ZIP. You need to make him write a NO Contact Letter from him to OW (that you read, and approve), YOU mail it "signature required".

2. Change cell number(s), email addee's, anything that can be changed to avoid contact from her.

3. Your WH must live life an open book in order to remove any doubts you may have. Online access to his cellphone, email, etc. He should be happy to provide you whatever you need to remove doubt.

Moving may not "fix" your problems, but if an option it might assist in starting fresh, and also put some distance between your WH and potential contact.

You might also consider moving your post over to the General Questions II forum. It gets alot more attention. As result you will see more responses.

Continue to read this site.

Thanks so much for your input, as well as the advice to move the post!

What do you know about this OW? I would try to attack there if possible. Is she married? Expose to her husband.

I think you may possibly be fooling yourself about the opportunities for contact. Just because she lives an hour away and your H could not get there does not mean that she is not coming to him.

In order for things to get better between you and your H the A has to stop. Of course it is preferable that it stop by his choice, but that hasn't happened. Which leaves you with no other option but to get medieval on his [censored]! I'd start digging for dirt on this OW. Hopefully, she is married.