My husband is an alcholic, never abusive, but it has gotten worse this past year. We have been unhappy, but it always seemed like we kept our heads up. We have been together 10 years, and married 9 with 2 children.

Almost 2 months ago, my husband stopped drinking. Imagine my joy, unfortunately within the week I knew something was up. One week later, he hadnt told me he loved me once during the previous week, something that had never happened. After much poking and prodding he admitted he wasnt even sure he loved me.I was absolutely devastated.

He kept saying it was because he had stopped drinking and it made him confused. I looked up some stuff on the internet and sure enough that was common. So the next day I told him I was willing to wait, and that I understood. He promised there was no one else. Meanwhile he started spending ALOT of time on a computer program that involves chatting. I let him, I mean, he was overcoming an addiction.

One month after he stopped drinking, I came up behind him and saw and I love you from someone. I screamed and yelled and he looked at me blankly. I knew then. For the 1st time ever in our marriage, I walked out in a fight. I did come back later but I knew.

The next morning he told me he didnt feel like he could stay, I said I understood, I think we need to separate. I cried all day but kept under control. Later that night we had a nice talk but the result was still the same. The next night he was awful, saying things like I could have prevented this if i would have listened and blah blah. Monday when I woke up I knew he was leaving but suddenly I realized it wasnt going to be around here. He wouldnt tell me where he was going. I went to work anyway.

He was gone when I got home and there was a scribble on a piece of paper. "work gave me off a week with pay, I will call or email you" you know what I picked out of that? The email part! He was going to someone, someone with a computer. That night I tore the computer apart. I was desparate to find out where he went and I found her. Well kinda. I knew who it was. She had in her profile, "only one man knows what I need...." then I realized it was my husband.

That whole week, I completely spring cleaned the house, ate right and was so calm about everything. I realized how many things I had done wrong myself in the marriage and that this was the end result.

He finally called me 4 days after he left. Said he was sorry, and that he missed me and the kids but knows he screwed up so much. I told him I still loved him and that I had realized how much I had done wrong too. He told me where he was which was 1000 miles away! He said he was coming home and he did.

He came back and the first day was bad at first. we were fighting, then I told him I didnt want to fight, I wanted to heal. He agreed and we ended up having these great talks all week. She did keep coming up though, he kept saying I dont understand why she has a hold on me. Finally the best talk was on a Friday night, we layed it all out and I thought we had a major break through. I saw my husband in this mans eyes finally.

THEN Saturday morning he told me he had to leave, why I asked, because you are stronger then her. WTH!>? I am your wife. I kept thinking no he wont do it, he will turn around half way. But he left and I was devasted AGAIN. Once he got there he started emailing me, and then last week (he had been there 4 days) he said he really wants to work things out because all he is doing is making both me and the OW miserable because he keeps thinking of me. I told him that I am still willing to work at this, and it ended like he was coming home.

The next day I got an email saying that he had flat tires and needed to get them fixed before traveling. Then Sunday he was on deleting his account from the program, a sign that he is leaving her behind and wont be contacting her. Since then I hadnt heard anything until I emailed him again last night. He said that he is still there waiting for tires?


I am so pissed, I am trying not to email him and tell him to just stay there. I am so scared that no matter what I do, it wont be enough. I know he loves me, even though I dont think that is enough, he needs to show me more. I know alot of things about their relationship, things I am sure she wouldnt appreciate. I order a bunch of books from here when I thought he was coming straight home. Now all I can do is think that he is in this fog and cant leave her.

Help me. SOrry so long

Hi Adroif...

My husband decided to have an affair after 9 years of marriage and 2 children. Like your husband, mine is also an alcoholic.

I am now 6 years into recovery with my husband.

Your story is not hopeless, but let me caution you that the alcoholism adds complexity. You can't cure his addiction to booze or to the OW - and BOTH are addictions, make no mistake.

The best thing you can do right now, today, is get the Harley book called Surviving an Affair, and, look up the local Al-Anon organization in your area and go to the first meeting you can find.

Adirolf,

You are fortunate to have one of the best on the boards posting to you. She also has experience with alcoholism and you would be very wise to heed all of her advice.

Thanks, BR....and I have one suggestion for Adi. Please edit your post and put hard returns between paragraphs.

It makes it easier for us with tired eyes to read and reply.

Thanks,
Ace

How is that Ace?

Bramble, I just got done reading all of your past threads, and I do feel a connection to you. One thing that my husband seems to have going for him (I think) is that he does admit he is an alcoholic. It has been 2 months since he had a drink,and while he isnt cured and wont be, I am proud of that.

I have also been looking for an Al Anon meeting, actually I was looking before he left, and gave up when he was gone. I have ordered all the recommended books on the site, including surviving an affair.

Bramble, I also feel a connection to you about the depression, I did the same thing and really wondered if Social Services were going to be called on me.

Thank you for listening and giving me advice.

So much better, Adi, thanks!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

My heart goes out to you. Hang in there and realize that your have just begun the fight of your life. If you could add a sig line (click on My Home at the top and edit the My page section with your brief timeline)....that would help even more.

Read all the books when they get to you, post often and ask questions, remembering posters are sharing similar circumstances. Some of us can't post as often as others, but that's why you'll need to be patient.

Best wishes, Adi,

Ace

Adi ~

I hope your husband is in AA - it seems to me that he has simply exchanged one addiction for another...

Alcoholism is a deeply damaging disease, both physically, emotionally and spiritually. It's effects do not just vanish with the physical bottle of booze.

You can't work a program for him, but you can work a program for yourself.

After 10 years of living in close proximity to an active alcoholic, my own thinking was actually more twisted and distorted than his was.

They live through the chaos they create with their drinking with a nice cloud of numbness surrounding them.

As spouses, we live through the chaos stone cold sober - without that protective padding.

You need a program to recover from the effects of his drinking as much as he does.

My husband still drinks, but I can promise you that it was MY OWN changes by working MY OWN program that helped turn our marriage and our lives around.

My husband is not in AA. It is something that I have been encouraging before he left. I am however going to start Al Anon this week. Thank you for your advice, it made perfect sense.

Hi Adirolf,

Glad you're starting Al Anon. How's it going today?

Ace