I know it probably sounds crazy, but I need as many people as I can to tell me to get out, because I lack so much confidence in what I'm doing right now.

I do need to say a few more things to get them off my heart...

The first time my husband ever strangled me, we had a very rough day. He was on my case about everything. It was Christmas Eve and I don't remember all that happened but it ended with him not wanting me to go to my parent's house the next day so much so that he took all the car keys away and said I couldn't leave. It got to the point where I was crying hysterically and he was yelling all sorts of verbal abuse on me. When I was younger and my sister and I fought, she would fight with words and I would fight with physical threats. I never hurt her but I was a lot bigger than her so she was afraid of what I would do and that would usually get her to stop yelling at me. I'm sure it was all just normal kid stuff, but my point is, when my husband was verbally abusing me and took the keys away I got very angry and I slapped him on the face. I didn't know this at the time, but I guess he is very sensative about his nose because it has been broken several times and he snapped. At that point, he grabbed me by the arm, through me down on the ground, and started strangling me. The blood vessels in my eyes popped and eventually blood started dripping out of my nose. When he saw the blood hit the carpet he let go.

The next instance of physical abuse was when he punched me in the face because he didn't like my opinion about something. He claims that I hit him first. I don't recall doing that at all, but for the sake of being completely fair, let's say I slapped him in the face first. I do remember however that after the first time he ever hurt me he said he would have never hit me if I didn't touch his nose. Regardless of whether he thinks I hit him first in this instance or not, I KNOW I did not hit him in the nose. I'm not that stupid - I felt what he did the first time.

ALSO, a few weeks ago when the last instance of physical abuse took place, as he was choking me and pulling my hair out by the chunkfuls, I did bite him once. I didn't bite him to make it hurt...I bit him to make him stop. He just kept choking me and pulling my hair and it hurt so much I was trying to make him stop. I would keep yelling hoping someone would hear, and he didn't stop so I bit him. I saw the bite on him a week after this happened. It was black and blue and you could still see the teeth marks. And according to him it was a lot worse before I saw it. My point...it wasn't a bite that said "Oh, I'm going to hurt you like you're hurting me". It was a bite that said "I am fearing for my life" It scared me when I saw it. I've never been capable of hurting anyone and to know I did that to him scared me. Because you never remember what it felt like after it happens. It's like child birth. I know it hurt a lot, but I don't remember the feeling so you forget how serious it is. The bite on his arm reminded me how serious it was.

I tell you this because I want to be fair to him. He throws this in my face all the time. He says that I'm not innocent and that I have inflicted just as much pain on him as he has me. The other two physical instances he just blows off if they come up. His defense is that they were complete misunderstandings. I called the police one of those times and they came before he could do much more. In fact, one of instances he laughs about if it comes up.

Do you all still feel like I should leave? I want you to know that I did slap his face the first time. I am not denying that. Am I just as dangerous?