Hello....I'm in the middle of a divorce. My H's A was discovered in April. He immediately filed but ended up stopping the process a couple of weeks before we were scheduled to go to court. He has left the house once-this is my second time I leave the house and take our son with me. We have been separated for almost 1 month and he has made no attempt to see if we need anything. He has filed again for divorce and custody-however, he sends me text messages and e-mails telling me how much he loves me, needs me and our son, how he wished all this would be a dream. I don't understand---why all these mixed signals? Is he just playing with my emotions and wants to make sure I'm still there? He says and says how much he loves me but once I go back home, he won't change a thing---he treats me like I'm nothing. Why all this? any advise? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

There's a good Christian book Hope for the Separated, it starts out saying what you describe is typical. People can change their emotions and their thoughts daily when separated. One day they want a divorce, another day they don't. One day we might remember only the bad, another day the good. It's a serious crisis and you don't have to rush to get a divorce if you think there's hope, I don't know your story. I don't think he's playing with your emotions as much as he's experiencing as much pain as you are even if he's the one filing. An attorney once told me it's when couples file that they begin to think seriously about divorce, it becomes real, not just threats. In my state at least thirty percent of divorced are dismissed, people didn't get divorced meaning. How does he treat you like you are nothing by the way?

We've lost so much money in attorney's, I don't see this as crazy anymore. I know what I want, I want for him to stop the A and committ to his family. But by the things he does, it doesn't seem like that is the case. He treats me bad on certain days as I'm not worth one thing, then other days he treats like a queen and tells me how much he needs me. I am used to that already---his sweet words make me go back to him, but once I'm back at the house, he goes his way and I go mine. I guess he is scared of losing his family but at the same time wants to be with the OW. We have court in about two weeks- I wish he could stop all the paper work, but I'm not going to beg as I used to. I might as well wait to see what the judge says. He is trying to stay with everything and have full custody of the child, however, he has 2 dui's, doesn't make enough money and has tons of bills that would not make him capable of supplying for our child. He says our 9 month old son is his life but yet does not provide anything for him since we left nor does he ask where we are staying at. Deep down inside me I still love this man, but I know he is going through too much drama in his life since the OW arrived and probably is enjoying every single moment of it. I can't do anything on my end but wait for court dates and just show him that I'm strong.

Good luck on your court date, sorry you are going through all of this. It seems as though he wants his cake and to eat it too, life doesn't work that way and there are consequences for behavior. If he's had a record of drinking that should be held against him in custody issues. Is he an alcoholic? Alcoholics are known to be cheaters, can't keep jobs, lie, etc. It might be losing his family will get him to wake up and quit if that's the case. He sounds very immature at the very least.

He is not an alcoholic, but right now that he is having fun with the OW, he has gotten out of hand. Everything is coming down for him, but apparently he is not asking for any help at all. (well at least maybe from him). To set a good example, yesterday he sent me a "so called romantic note" e-mail saying i was the love of his life. Today that we took our son to his regular check-up, he was totally ignoring me and would answer in a rude tone when I was asking him to help me fill out a questonnaire about the baby. At one point he even responded very rudly. I told him to calm down and that we needed to act civilized---for our son's well being. What is wrong with this person?

I experienced some of that as well. Now, I taken away any chance of ex coming home. I told him that I want to divorce him now. My ex ping ponged back and forth as well. One of my kids counselors told me that men, quite often do not realize what the stand to lose until it's gone. It could very well be that he's going through much of the same thing right now.

Good luck!

By the way, I would keep all of those emails and take them to court with you. If you don't wish to divorce, show them to the judge. He could put the proceedings on hold for a bit and give you some breathing room.

Deep down inside me I still love this man and am willing to give our marriage another chance, but he only says things but doesn't take actions and do something about the problems we are both having. He makes things even much more difficult than what they really are. On the weekend, he called like ten times and left messages---being all romantic (he was drunk). I don't know why it takes several beers for him to be romantic to me. My family got involved because they are tired of seeing him walk all over me and he called them saying to leave him alone. He also e-mailed me and told me to leave him alone-how he wishes the divorce would be over so that he could start a new life. I got hurt when I read this-does he actually feel this, when two days ago he said he was willing to do anything to save his marriage? I feel that as time passes by, the hope will be fading away more and more. Has anyone spent time separated for a couple of months and has helped them restore the marriage? Does time alone from wife and kids help a man see what they have lost? I hope so! But then again, I lose hope and feel that things will never be the same and he will end up staying with OW.

He just told me he misses his family-our son and I,yet he will not ask us to return home(there is too much pain caused on both ends and we need time). I don't know how much of that to believe is true. What if he just wants to keep me on the side in case his A doesn't last very long? yes, its true, both of us have caused each other too much pain, but isn't he worried that when he is ready to commit to his family, it will be too late? He says he misses us, the house is too lonely without a family, he misses the trips to the stores, eating out together. If he misses all that, why not prove it by doing things instead of just sitting around? Any one gone through this?

Yes,,,it's been over two years (1.5 years since he filed for D). He asks me if I miss him - I say of course and then he says "you're just saying that". He wants to be friends, likes seeing my parents, calls me at 10PM to tell me about his sister's roommate who's in the hospital.

I don't know. Just now I'm starting to feel lonely and want to start thinking about having another relationship. But I don't want to do that while I'm still married. I text him this AM and said "have you changed your mind about the divorce - if not, have you completed the paperwork?".

The Harleys say don't give up for two years. Well it's been two years and so now I think I want to move one and finish up the divorce even thought it makes me sad.

As the days go by, I feel that I’m losing hope. I want to gain strength so that I can go forward with all this. I don’t want for him to know that I still deeply love him and want him back. If he is so sure of my love, he will then take advantage of the situation and do whatever he wants with me as he has done so in the past year. I want to get strong and have power so that I he won’t use me as a floor mat but instead know that I became a strong woman. We have court date in three weeks, half of me wishes he could do things to prove he wants his family back so that we won’t go through with the court, but the other half of me wants a response from court and wishes I could leave very, very far. Who knows what will happen? All I know is that he could care less right now. He is probably too attached to the OW that he doesn’t stop to think about losing his family.

Who knows when all these games will finally end? My H is just playing games with me and my mind. One day he literaly tells me he loves me, the next he will cuss me off. What is wrong with this man? Court date is less than 3 weeks away, well will see what happens next? Should I just ignore him every time he e-mails or tries to talk to me when I go and drop off/pick up our son? Maybe I should be a b&*^%, then that way he will have something to be upset about....any ideas?

Ignore him.

Court date is within 2 weeks, this time I believe it is going through! We have court scheduled for child custody, visitation, property and apparently he is going to go through with it. Last time, he begged and begged to stop the court before the scheduled date. This time, it is near. I don't know what is in his mind, he is showing me that he wants to go to court, but yet he sends me text messages and e-mails telling me how much he loves me and misses me. When he sees me the days we exchange our child, he tries to hug me and kiss me. What is wrong with this individual. I just wish things would be over with now. If it is ment for us to get divorced, then might as well get it over with. Any one goes through similar situation?

8 days left till court date! I'm pretty nervous especially when I think of all the things he is going to come up with to try and take our DS away from me. I don't seem to understand, he is 2 weeks away from having our home reposessed, along with his car, basically he is going to lose EVERYTHING! He e-mails me and tells me he is not happy right now without his family however, he is not doing anything to win his family back. What might be going through his mind? Is he still under FOG?

GUESS WHAT??????????????????????????????????
I am more disappointed than every, I had a second slap to the face. Remember how I had been indicating that he would send e-mails saying how much he loved me and wanted his family back? Well, he used those e-mails against me in court. He filed for joint custody (he wanted full custody before) He told the court that he had been trying to save his marriage and those were e-mails to prove it. I asked for his help once when my car broke down and he twisted everything around to make it seem that I was bothering him, even when he clearly wrote in the e-mails that if I ever needed anything, he would be there to help me out. Now that I see things, all those kind words, were a bunch of lies, he took advantage of my kindness. I couldn't stop crying all last night. I had hope of saving our marriage but this is a message from God telling me to snap out of it. why go through all this?

Had court yesterday.....and what happened? he didn't show up! instead he had his attorney represent him there...That really got me sad, he says he cares so much about our DS, why not go to court and fight for him? We got dates for mediation and our next court date. Today he e-mailed me and asked if i could join him to church! What is he thinking? why is he bringing God into this? that is nothing to be playing around with? He knows that I'm a religious person, but that is no reason to do those things! What is he going to come up with next?

Cal,

He doesn't want to go to church with you this is just another email for court. Either ignore or respond to his email that you would like nothing more that to go to church as a family but you fear that this is another email lie for court and to stop playing with your emotions that this is very hard on you and your son.

cub

You REALLY need to get the pastor to write him an e-mail explaining to him that fornication and adultery is really a NON-Christian and irresponsible act and he needs to repent and recognize that he has destroyed his family.

THAT will negate any further attempts to bring religion into it or to garner supporters from the church.

Do it now because my wifey went about finding cheerleaders and sympathizers within my church by telling outright lies and emailing everyone. However I did use the lies from the emails aginst her in court as I had never threatened her or ever harmed her in any way.

However the sympathizers won and I was asked not to return, even though I am innocent and she is the adulterer.

Haven't been on this thread for a while..UPDATE since October 2007

WH still is acting like a BIG JERK! Doesn't stop to think twice before saying stuff. I'm staying at a co-workers house renting a room while he stayed with the house. Don't know if the OW is living at the house, by what I was told, she is but am not 100% sure. I wanted my M to work, but my WH doesn't show any signs of wanting to work things out. He says it once in a while, but then refrains back to saying, " I want my family back, BUT NOT NOW". I'm tired of waiting, big time. It's been six months since I left the house and nothing has seemed to change. The things he used to tell me before would punch holes into my heart, now, I take them as something minor. Every time we talk, he has to say something mean to me to try and put me down. D is hard, especially when you have a one year old and no family living in the same state. But life goes and and we have to move on as well.