Less than a year out from my husbands A I feel that you always have to be with your guard up. When do you get to relax and just be happy. I'm sure the lack of trust {in time I hope I have more trust} plays a part in my ability to "relax". But then I also read how many men 5 years after working on the relationship go back to the A. So does that mean that you really do not get to relax ever again. Prior to the A I trusted my H. I felt relaxed in the belief that he loved me and had my best interest at heart. Does that ever happen again or do you have to be on guard forever?

Relax in my mind does not mean that you don't work on the relationship just that you can believe in it again.

Thanks
DTR

You know, I don't think you ever relax and trust like you did before the affair. I'm divorced, and find that I have a very difficult time trusting even the new men in my life.

The mindless trust days are gone. But if your husband is working on the relationship and willing to figure out what went wrong, you can have a much better marriage than before.

But no, the innocense is gone.

DTR - Figure on 2-5 years. 1 year is still very recent. As your husband continually builds trust and your marriage is more loving, you will feel more secure but it takes lots of time. You should never have blind trus again however. It does get much better.

Believer,
Thanks for your response. Many days I go back and forth in my mind if I am making the right decision in staying in the marriage. The lack of trust and feeling special make me question so much. In my mind we had a good marriage prior to the A. My H feels that once we had kids, he was no longer a big part of the family, the kids were. He was not the center of attention and I was no longer giving him my total attention. I feel like that is part of growing up. He would admit that he was a selfish person and very self focused. This is not to say he was a bad father, person or husband in my eyes. I truly felt we had a good marriage and a happy family. He was a jerk at different times and I put up with it. Not any more!!! I get so confused in how to prevent another A when even he says it wasn't what I did or didn't do it was him. I do think there were things I could have done better.

It is sad to me that the unquestionable trust and feeling special part will be forever gone. My H and I met in college. I had prior boyfriends but nothing serious. My H is the only one I've ever had sex with and that part just hurts so much. I would love to hear from other in that situatin 2-5 years down the road and how they feel now. I feel that I will be just a body from now on and that I am only special to God and myself. I think that in a relationship there really isn't a certain special person but many that could fill that position. Very sad!!

My H is working on being a better person, husband and father and feels that he knows what to watch for now in preventing another A. I appreciate that and think the marriage will be better for him now that he has open eyes to his behavior and what is important. I think that my life can be easier in the day to day activities now as well because he is taking on more responsibility and being more interested in something other than himself. So to some maybe that is a better marriage. I think many days I would go back to making all the meals and doing all the carpooling to feel that I was special and loved again.