I found out about my husband's affair 6 weeks ago today. We agreed to him moving out. Th OW is in another state. He says he doesn't think he wants a divorce, but after 6 weeks he still doesn't really 'know what he wants'. The OW is still trying to call him. When he moved out he agreed that we would try to work on our marriage. So far, I feel like I am the only one 'trying.' We talk on the phone, but any time I suggest spending some time together, he has an excuse not to. We have at least moved past 'I don't think it is a good idea yet' though. We see each other to exchange the kids, and he is very warm to me. We have been married for 14 1/2 years. I never dreamed I would want to work through something like this, but I love him and can't imagine living without him. I truly believe that we could work through this. He says he just doesn't think he is 'in love' with me anymore. He says I am the perfect wife and mother. He says he doesn't know why he is unhappy. His job takes him out of town for weeks at a time sometimes. This is how the affair started. It was someone he was having to contact for business purposes. I feel like I am going crazy sometimes. What do I do?

Hi SoHeartbroken,

Welcome to MB! You've found a great place to learn.

I'm sorry that you find the need to come here. The good thing is that there have been many people just like you that have followed the MB principles and rebuilt their marriages.

I understand the pain that you're feeling. It's quite a shock when we find out the one person in the world that we've trusted our lives to, can wound us so deeply. I suspect that you feel that you will never be able to trust your H again and that rebuilding your marriage seems hopeless...

These feelings are very 'normal'. Start out by reading the articles here on the MB web site and read some of the threads in the General Questions II forum (the GQII forum has more traffic).

You will need to come up with a plan to rebuild your M and there are lots of great people here that have been exactly where you are right now that can help you.

I wish you all the best as you start out on your journy to rebuild your marriage!

Semper Fi,

RIF

Welcome to the right place to be despite the injustice of your situation. I'm not a veteran of these boards, have only been here a few months, but I've learned a lot and see the same old ****** being replayed by your WH. First, get a copy of SAA to read (and re-read). Read everything on this site relating to infidelity.

Your WH doesn't know what he wants, he is torn. This is good for you, because you have an opportunity to get him back. But the only way that can happen is to end the A. You probably need to start implementing Plan A to end the A. Since he has moved out, engaging in Plan A will be much more difficult. Find Bugsmom's Plan A thread to get some ideas. Some posters may recommend engaging in a 180 and lovingly detach. If you WH starts to wonder about you, it could pull him back. If you are a Christian, read Dr. Dobson's 'Love Must Be Tough' to understand the concept of how pulling away can actually bring a WS back.

Some of the advice may seem backwards, but that's because affairs are not rational or logical and make no sense. So you cannot fight them with logic or common sense. Notice how he says you are 'the perfect wife and mother' but he's not sure if he loves you and wanted to move out. Does that make any sense? The confusing, illogical nature of WS leaves many BS confused and hurt. Try not to take it personally, because it's not. You will need to ignore many of his words because they are simply fog-babble. Pay attention to actions, not words.

Here are a few specific recommendations I would give based on what you wrote:

Don't ask your WH questions about the future like 'Do you think you want a divorce? Are you still in love with me? Where do you want to be in X years?' Really, you shouldn't even bring up the A or the M. Give your WH a glimpse of what a happy, great, forgiving marriage you will have once he recommits rather than one where you're going to nag him all the time about how he feels and ask for long-ranging commitments.

You should request calmly but firmly that he end all contact with the OW. That condition must be met above all others or there is no chance of successful reconciliation.

Do not LB under any circumstances. It might feel good at the time to let out your anger, but it won't save your marriage.

Agreeing to him moving out was probably a mistake, but we've all made mistakes in this process, so don't beat yourself up over it. He's the one that's to blame for this situation, not you. WSs always want to move out 'just to figure things out on my own.' This is textbook. They want to be free to continue their A with the OP while not being under the watchful eye of their BS. See how his moving out hasn't led to him knowing what he wants? My WW has said the exact same things, that she 'just needs space' or 'just needs time' to figure things out. It's basically a stalling tactic, subconscious more than malicious. WSs have no plan and are generally very indecisive and torn, so they stall for as long as they can before having to make a decision. And once they've made a decision, they often change their minds and flip back.

Your feeling that you are the only one 'trying to work on the marriage' is correct. What ACTIONS has he taken to work on the marriage? My WW has said the exact same thing about how she's been 'trying really hard' to work on the marriage. When I asked her what ACTIONS she has taken to work on the marriage, she replied that 'I haven't left' (which is actually INaction). Since your WH has moved out, he is doing even less to work on the marriage, which is zero.

If you have money, I would recommend calling the Harleys for a phone session. If you don't, I would recommend calling their radio show. Dr. Harley gave me personal advice both on- and off-air and it was very helpful. Maybe you could even convince your WH to talk with them. This is one action he could take to 'try and work on the marriage.' Just do not tell him about these boards and that you're getting advice from us here. You are fighting a battle for your marriage and your WH is the enemy right now until he's out of the fog.

Here's an idea. Don't let him take the kids to his place (he can still see them if he wants to visit them at your marital dwellling), file for legal separation, and get him on the hook for alimony and child support while you win primary custody because he moved out, and watch how quickly he gives up OW and comes back home.

Thanks for the feedback. I need all the help I can get. He takes the kids every other weekend for 1 night. I go out with friends this night. As for alimony/support, I am a stay at home mom and he is still supporting us 100%. He hasn't told me I need to figure out how to support the kids on my own. He seems perfectly fine still supporting us. Of course, this is killing us financially. He has agreed to seeing me and spending some time together just the 2 of us Sunday though. I think this is a good sign. Also, tonight he is finally going to and event that will force him to face all of his friends and family for the first time since this all happened. I am thinking these are good signs. That maybe he is ready to start trying to move past all of this. I know it will take some time but I am trying to remain optimistic.

Does his family and friends know the "real" reason why he moved out of the house? Did anybody inform them that he is having an admitted affair, or do they just think you two are "having problems"? One of the first things that needs to happen is that the affair should be exposed to everybody that can help influence his decision to end the affair.

Is the OW married? Her husband needs to know also...sooner rather than later. That can also help bring an end to the affair. If you don't know who she is then you must find out and expose the affair to her husband as well.

Have you exposed to his job? He is having an affair with someone who is a business contact and he has left his wife and children because of it. You need to write a letter (sent certified) to HR and the VP or Pres of company explaining that your husband used company time and resources to fuel an affair with a business contact and that you want to know what they intend to do about it...

Yes his family knows. They have been there to support me. I could not have made it this long without them. The OW is not married. His boss is his cousin and they have not sent him back to a job in the town the OW lives in or even close. They all think he is crazy. He came by tonight and we ended up in bed but he asked me before we did if it could be just sex. Of course I agreed because if it is going to be just sex I would prefer it be with me rather than someone else. Also, I feel like it will help us start reconnecting on some level. Is this wrong? I wanted it just as much as he did. I also know that a week ago he would not have been willing to do that. Could this be viewed as a start to progress of moving forward?

SH,

I really think that you need to try and get of your emotions right now and come up with a plan of attack to end his affair. Right now your WH feels that he is in control, is free to pursue OW, and that you will be there waiting for him if things don't work out. He will continue to fence-sit and keep you in limbo land as long as you allow him to. You need to take back the control. File for legal separation, get money taken directly out of his paycheck to support you, go for FULL custody of the children, and go to plan B (don't have any contact with him whatsoever). He'll go bitching and moaning for a little while, but watch him come running back with his tail between his legs before too long. Sometimes when you have a fence-sitting husband, you need to knock him off onto the other side, let him stew a little on the other side by himself, and then he will hop back to your side on his own. I fully expect that to be the case in your situation if you do as I recommend.

On a side note, if you read my story, you'll realize that my WW didn't agree to NC until I finally stood up, kicked her out, cut her off financially, and was about to cancel her car and health insurance. She agreed to NC the same day. Mind you her affair had been going on for three months up to that point, and I had been placating her the whole time.

It has been a while since I have visited this board so let me give you a update. It has been 9 weeks! He still says he doesn't know what he wants! Wouldn't you know if you wanted a divorce after 9 weeks? He and I have spent some time together in the last 3 weeks. We even spent time as a family last Saturday! Everything seems to go REALLY good when we are together. He is loving and kind. Last Saturday when he left he gave me a kiss and I told him I love him. Something I don't say often to him anymore. Usually if I say it I get "Ok.' or he just looks at me or looks away. This time he looked at me a second and said "Love you." It sounded almost like it just hit him! Yet he still doesn't know what he wants! I have confirmation that it is over with the OW. He is out of town on a job for the next 5-6 weeks. I have told him that he has to have a decision made when he gets back from the job. Told him the kids and I can't keep living like this. I talked to his friend, the one that he is living with, and he told me that my H has been acting and sounding really depressed this week. Maybe he has finally hit rock bottom. I am trying to find a job, but in our community they are few and far between. I having been substituting at the schools in the meantime. I think if I wanted a divorce, it wouldn't take me 9 weeks to figure it out. Why would he have said "love you" this time when he never had before? It was after spending family time together. And, he looked so sad to be leaving that night. I still want to make our marriage work. When he is here, or we are together, he seems so happy and relaxed. Can't figure him out. Why all the mixed signals? Could it be that he just hasn't figured out how to forgive his self or how to deal with the whole ordeal his self? I know he has to deal with it and get past it as much as I do.

Hi SoHeartbroken,

Your H is torn between you and the OW... Have you read about Plan-A? If not, please do so and come up with a plan of action to implement a great Plan-A.

I sense that you are feeling very hopeless with your situation... that is a very 'normal' feeling. Your statements of "Do you think..." "Could this mean..." are very valid questions. A good Plan-A will show you specific ACTIONS that you can do so that you will not focus so much on the "what if" questions...

You DO have more 'control' than you think, and that is what a good Plan-A is all about... Read up on it here on the MB site and ask away with any questions that you may have.

I suspect that if you come up with a good Plan-A, and follow it, that your H will realize just how much he is about to lose, and will come to his senses...

Semper Fi,

RIF